So I was bored one day at work and this story was born, I love trying new perspectives and well, I'm giving this type of Self-Insert a go, please tell me what you think of it and I might be persuaded to continue it ;)

Alex.

Ps. I think there's a little too much of swearing here, you have been warned.

1981-1991.

Mr. & Mrs. Potter loved their little girl very much. So much that they actually dabbled in the Dark Arts to protect her instead of getting on a fucking plane to fucking Australia and leaving the Wizarding World behind. No, they had to 'hide' in the worst place ever and get fucking killed, with James Potter it was almost forgivable, he had been a pure-blood, but Lily Evans had been a muggleborn, she should have known better.

Alas, it was not important, because whatever they had done to protect Haley Potter hadn't worked, or it had, just not the way they wanted to... And what was the deal with Haley anyways, wasn't it supposed to be a Harry Potter? Harrison Potter? Harman Potter? Harvest Potter? Something Male Potter? I mean I was not complaining, adding gender dysphoria to an already shitty situation would have been worse. But yeah, apparently Harry Potter was a girl, and thankfully not one named Harriet or Henrietta or something dreadful like that, but rather Haley, which was quite nice and pronounced Hayley and not Hally, not the name I would chose for a child, but a nice name.

So anyways, where was I? Ah yes... Idiots with good intentions, James and Lily, poor kids, but hey they were dead now and nothing could hurt them, they weren't the ones shipped off to live in a cupboard under some stairs until Dumblefuck thought it was the perfect time to die, at this pace I was going to end up as Dark Lady Haley. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, James and Lily Potter, they didn't save their daughter, no, they pulled some misguided soul from another universe (me) into Haley's corpse, which was not a corpse anymore, weird.

I was probably at the face of some cosmic joke, or I was the joke. I couldn't really tell. Sad thing was that being a girl, and a cute one at that didn't save me from Petunia Pettyness Dursley and her cupboard under the stairs. No, as long as the woman had found me on her porch she shoved me under the stairs, the bitch. Vernon was no better than Petunia, often complaining about having another mouth to feed, like, yes I got it children were expensive, but a little human decency went a long way, and I was supposed to be the freak here, if they only knew.

The first few days after me being dumped with the Dursleys were weird to say the least, but hey, I got let out of the cupboard sometimes and I could tumble freely around the house, at least until Petunia shoved me back in. And you know those fics in which Harriet Potter is suddenly a carbon copy of Lily? Ha! No, I was a black haired, green-eyed child, probably a girl version of James Potter, with Lily's eyes, oh the sentiment. So yeah, Petunia was an A-Grade bitch and Vernon was an asshole. Dudley was just a fat spoiled child, at the moment.

Days passed and things didn't change, as I really wasn't a toddler I tended to get bored easily and irritated as Dudley cried a lot. Petunia being Petunia often tried to pin it on me, which is why I often escaped to the small backyard, I couldn't be blamed for Dudley if I was not in sight. Of course the first time I had been locked outside for the night had been rude, and I had nightmares as my emotions tended to be rather childish.

When I turned two, or rather when Hayley turned two, which was basically the same thing as I was Haley now. Petunia had handed me a rag and told me to scrub the floors clean, I refrained myself from glaring at her and took the rag, at this pace I was going to be called Potterella in just a few months, but I needed to remember that at the moment I was defenseless, I was the egg, the Dursleys the rock, so I took it like a champ and did everything they told me to without complaint... Oh the joys of child slavery, Kony had nothing on the Dursleys.

Of course not everything sucked... Who was I trying to kid, everything sucked specially the cupboard, specifically the fucking cupboard under the motherfucking stairs, I was going to end up with claustrophobia and many other illnesses by the time or if I managed to reach five, freaking spiders. Me being me, I managed to suck it up at the best of my abilities and keep going, although one day, one day I was going to blow the damned thing up.

"Pay attention girl!" Said Petunia hitting my head with a plastic ruler, I looked up at her and glared, the 'go fuck yourself' went unheard but I'm sure that she knew.

I was five now, four years of my own personal hell. I hated Petunia, I hated Vernon, Dudley, despised Marge and her hellish dogs, and I was a dog person but those beasts couldn't be called dogs, dogs were awesome, Marge's pugatory spawns were not. But hey she had said it herself, if there was a problem with the bitch there was going to be problems with the pups.

Now a beneficial thing about Harry actually being Hayley was that Petunia couldn't dress me in Dudley's old clothes, so she actually had to buy things for me, granted not pretty things and mostly second handed things, but they fit well enough.

"Girl" Petunia warned me, but I rolled my eyes and continued with my musings, if I ignored the tramp she usually went away, anytime now... "Haley Potter!" Ha! I looked up at her innocently, or as innocently as I could.

"Do you have a problem Aunty?" I asked, my sweet childish voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Is your turn to make breakfast" Petunia said, I kept staring at her.

"But Miss Paulson says that we shouldn't be around the stoves or fires, is dangerous, I asked her yesterday" I said, the picture of pure innocence, Petunia glared at me, face morphing with anger, I had to fight the smile off my face.

She stormed off several minutes later leaving me to the book I was reading, ah Dickens tell me more about misguided orphans. While it was true that Petunia didn't really feed me much, just scraps and what she thought was food, and she probably stunted my growth, I had learned to manipulate her enough so that she left me alone, and Miss Paulson, the primary teacher was a really cool old lady who loaned me books so I could read, since she thought I was some sort of prodigy, no ma'am just a twenty four year old in a kid's body, ain't that wicked?

Of course Petunia and Vernon hated my perfect grades as opposed to Dudley's horrifying ones, it made it even much more amusing getting them. Downside was that at primary school I didn't have many friends, not really, since Dudley was a bully that loved making my life hell, not that I cared much as I didn't have patience for children.

"Haley wouldn't you like to spend recess outside?" Had asked Miss Paulson once, I had looked up from the battered copy of the Silmarillion and snorted.

"I'd rather not" I had answered and I had been left to my own devices.

I of course was a well behaved child, teachers loved me and there was nothing the Dursleys could do about it, Petunia couldn't slander my name with the neighbors as on the weekends I helped Mrs. Number Seven with her flowers, and Mrs. Number Nine with her poodle. I was generally well liked in Privet Drive and thus Petunia had to put up the nice aunty front whenever there were people close by. It filled me with glee seeing her face distort as if she was permanently chewing on a lemon whenever someone complimented the well behaved Potter girl that lived on number 4.

When I turned nine, while I was still sleeping in the fucking cupboard my general life was not bad, I mean at least I was not doing a rendition of Potterella anymore, which was awesome. I had my own books, which were safely hidden, in said cupboard and a flashlight that Miss Anabelle, my first grade teacher had given me. The clothing still sucked, the food was still shit and the Dursleys were still the Dursleys but we had come to an agreement.

"I am a magical child" I had declared one Saturday afternoon while Duddley was out with his friends, Petunia and Vernon had been horrified by the statement, Vernon had turned a nice puce color and Petunia had paled.

"We have squished the freakiness out of you" said Vernon and I laughed.

"You haven't, in fact you two have been so caught up trying to squish the so called freakishness out of me that you have become freaks yourselves, what would my grandmother say of you Petunia inciting child slavery with your own niece, I wonder what child services would say of the Grunnings director that keeps his poor orphaned niece in the cupboard under the stairs, poor thing" I said, a smirk on my face.

"You ungrateful little brat, we have clothed and fed you, we put a roof over your head" said Vernon, I rolled my eyes.

"Oh woe is me, you fed me the scraps of your table, clothed me with second handed thing and tossed me into a fucking cupboard, and you call me ungrateful, I should be calling the cops on you for child abuse, but hey at least once I turn eleven I'll be out of your hair and I'll tell my very magical teachers of how you treated me" I teased, Vernon turned even more purple while Petunia kept paling.

Of course the next thing happened too fast, Vernon moved to strike me and ended up pinned against the wall, me glaring at him and my burst of accidental magic, or maybe not so accidental, keeping him in place.

"Let me tell you a little something Vernon, I am not nice and whatever chance you and Petunia had to make me love or even like the two of you and the bleached whale you call son went out of the fucking window years ago, so I'll warn you, you try to lay a hand on me and I will fucking end you, am I understood?" I asked forcing a little bit of my magic to choke Vernon a bit, he nodded slowly and I let go of him "Now I will move my books to the guest bedroom, do not bother me"

After that small episode the Dursleys were terrified of me, I briefly wondered if I was becoming another Voldemort and shrugged it away, little ol' Moldyshorts was plain evil, while I had an actual reason for lashing out. The next year and half proved to be interesting as I started being treated as a 'guest' instead of a pest, Vernon particularly turned a lovely shade of purple whenever I made the plates float during dinner, or whenever a knife hovered a little too close to him, I ended up with migraines after forcing my magic like that, but it was so fucking worth it.

My eleventh birthday came without much fanfare, I was glad that I had talked myself out of going to the zoo for Duddykins birthday, as if I wanted to spend time with the Dursleys, but that morning I received my Hogwarts letter, addressed to Privet Drive's guest room, I walked into the kitchen with the tawny owl perched in my hand and sat on the table so I could write my reply, asking for professor McGonagall to kindly escort me as my aunt was indisposed.