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Imagine when the one thing you love , your passion , your dream .. Is also the one thing you cannot have .
Imagine when that dream requires something that you , of all people , do not have - because of your health - .
Singing is your passion .
But you can't even say a single word without panting like you had just ran miles and miles .
Nonetheless , you fought hard against your own health . Because that is your dream . And you are not just about to give up on it . Even if it kills you .
Your story widely spread throughout the whole world , overwhelming everyone .
You invented your own style , Something even more fragile than slow . And when people listen to you sing or watch you perform , it's enough to send them into a fit of tears . Because even when it takes an abnormally long time to catch a single word , They watch , feel , and touch your pain , passion , and determination . They taste your struggle , and you .. at long last - even in tears - success . .
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A/N
Okay , everyone . This is a very short ver of the rough idea . If I get inspiration for the full fic , I may post it . The spark of this came with a price .
During my midterms in 2017 , my health deteriorated , in the least of terms . Anxiety attack , stress , exhaustion , a harsh cold , sensitive chest and possible asthma in its early stages .. panting , high blood pressure , breath coming out like a muffled whistle , accelerated heart beat at the smallest of efforts .. you name it .. I was a mess until I went to the doctor and started taking my medications . An asthma inhaler and lots of others .
I was forbidden from exhausting any effort , even ascending the stairs .
I have never experienced an anxiety attack until that time and if you are wondering how it felt like , well , one moment I was sleeping , the next I woke up panting , feeling dizzy , like I was about to collapse even though I was already lying on bed .. My vision darkened slowly and I started to panic . I could feel my heartbeat accelerating like crazy and knew my blood pressure was either too high or too low .
You know what's the worst thing ? The next day I had an exam . When I went downstairs to tell my parents , my mother thought it would be better if I didn't attend but I couldn't .. so I decided to attend the exam the following day . I don't recall the exact events but I forced myself to endure . then I went with my friend to her home and there I nearly fainted in the kitchen , first time ever . My vision swam and before I could hit the floor , I rushed outside and instantly collapsed on the couch . I closed my eyes for a few seconds and then she helped me to the living room . The whole time I felt my chest constricting and heart beating fast .
After a while , my brother came to pick me up and parked near a pharmacy so I could check my blood pressure . we just crossed the street , a very small distance . The pharmacist thought we walked a long way judging by my fast heartbeat . So when we told him we just crossed the street , he got alarmed . He even told me " I'm sure you can feel it . your heart is beating so fast it's worrying . You really should go see a doctor . "
And yea .. We did go ( After going back home and informing my parents ) . During The ride to hospital , mother kept telling me to calm down but I couldn't . I wanted to . but I couldn't . I knew I shouldn't panic because that in return accelerated my heartbeat . It was like a loop . I would panic over my fast heartbeat and that in return felt as if it made my heart panic as well , causing it to beat insanely fast .
Thank God I managed to stand it until the doctor examined me . he said it was a harsh cold and a sensitive chest that triggered the near asthma . After prescribing the medications , he said I would take an injection and breathe by the help of a ventilator for 15 or 20 minutes , can't recall the exact time . It was very refreshing , that much I can tell you .
I remember that time we had to rush because the exam was about to start but I couldn't run , much less walk fast when even a slow pace made me pant as If I had just ran miles . My friend was helping me walk but I felt bad for making her late so I said it was fine if she went to her own classroom . it was an exam after all . it felt so bad to need help and even worse to know I might be a burden , making her late .
There was that time I pushed my luck during a revision lecture . I couldn't breathe and I guess I didn't have my inhaler yet or maybe I did , but it wasn't with me . In any case , I should have excused myself at that time but I knew there was no other way for me to revise that subject , especially because the exam was on the following day … the guy sitting next to me asked if I was okay because my breathing was loud and heavy ..
Sighs * I couldn't wait for the lecture to end . Actually , I think that day , before we even filed inside the classroom , a colleague of mine told me "what's wrong ? you look so pale . How are you going to attend that way ? You better go back home . "
But guess what , I couldn't .
That shitty situation happened another time too , with a different subject , the instructor noticed my state and said it was totally fine if I wanted to excuse myself and that he would explain it later to me but that wasn't an option ( because the other days clashed with my schedule ) so once again , I forced myself to endure .
Man .. it really was a terrible experience . I thought the lectures were never going to end ( probably because I couldn't wait for that to happen . )
I don't remember how long it took me to recover but I know one thing , as a person who spent her whole life healthy , it was rather overwhelming for me - feeling incapable of doing what I normally could or what other people could - . And the idea of being unable to even breathe .. felt so pathetic .. it made me wonder .. what if .. what about those people whose dream and passion involve and require something , the only thing they do not have .. health .. This story is meant to inspire , not just writers but everyone , to start fighting for what they love , regardless of all else .
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2017 wasn't kind to me health-wise . Actually , it wasn't kind regarding another issue too . But for now let's focus on the greatest gift of all , health . I never thought another critical condition would hit me but it did happen . After my finals , I got ill and was bedridden for over a month but that's a story for another time .
Writing this still feels foreign to me . I never imagined I would use the words " fainted " or " bedridden " to describe myself . I never imagined I would use an inhaler for some time .. that any strong smell or dust could trigger my possible asthma . That even laughing made me cough at some point … Well , at least I don't use the inhaler anymore . I don't take medications on a daily basis . So I'm grateful . Both experiences were a phase , something temporary . I don't think I could tolerate such being my lifestyle .
2017 nearly destroyed me * uneasy chuckle *
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