"This is a terrible idea."

"Shut your mouth zombiekita this is a fantastic idea."

"For the last time—"

"Sh-sh-shut the fuck up someone's coming!"

The Demon King and the First Division's Captain both duck into the bush for cover. A few moments later, another bush rustles, perfectly naturally in time with the wind. Nobunaga waits one second, two seconds, three seconds, fishes out a musket-

"What are you looking at?" asks the Archer next to her.

Nobu screams. Okita screams. Robin sighs and stuffs leaves into both their mouths. When the shock passes, Nobunaga spits the perfidious green out of her mouth and claps Robin Hood on the shoulder. "Well done, green man! Were you anyone else I'd have set you ablaze but it can't be helped! Have you done it?"

"Trap is set," the Archer nods. He holds up an empty bag of dog treats and wiggles it. "I even set a more obvious one to bait him into the trap."

"Hm. He is a canny one. He might not fall for it."

"Which is why I set another one in case he fails to trigger the second trap, with more explosive results."

"Mm yes! Well done, Green Archer! When the revolution rises, you shall burn separately from the Gods!"

Robin grunts. He does not even know why he is doing this, but it is a reasonable way to pass the time. Maybe he'll even get to go shoot things in a micro-singularity next time.

Okita finally coughs out her bloodstained leaves and shakes Nobu by the shoulders. "Get down, get down! Someone's coming!"

The three of them duck back into cover. Lancer soon walks by with Rider, carrying a bag of snacks while the gorgon listens disinterestedly with a book in hand. "And then I stabbed it in the neck!" He says.

"I don't see how you couldn't," Rider shrugs with a hairflip. "Lamia have fairly long necks, after all."

"Yeah you'd know, wouldn't you?"

"In much the same way you know how dog treats taste, yes."

"Now why you gotta be like that, Rider?" The trap catches Lancer's eye and he frowns. "Oh come on, someone actually left dog treats on the ground!"

"Maybe they knew you were coming," Rider comments idly, her eyes never leaving her book.

"Well maybe they've got another thing coming!"

True on both counts, cackles Nobunaga. Mentally, of course. Can't ruin the surprise!

With a scoff Lancer goes to toss aside the treats, but stops just short of picking it up. He stands straight again, one hand on his hip. "Wait, hold on, something's not right. What if it's a trap hiding another trap?"

"No one would use that much effort for you, Lancer."

With a nod, Nobu claps Robin's shoulder.

"...Yeah, you right. Imma just stab it."

With baited breath, Nobunaga and Robin look on. Seconds stretch into minutes stretch into hours as they wait for the trap to be sprung and their day to be made.

"How much longer?"

"Soon," Nobu replies with a mad grin.

"Soon how?"

"Very soon!"

"Do you mean like in the next minute orrrr-"

"Right now!"

"Okay," nods Kana. She pats Nobu on the head and then bonks her with the flat side of Asriel. She rises out of the bush, holding Robin and Okita up by their collars as Nobu cries and clutches at her head. "Thanks for the help, Lancer! Enjoy your date!"

"No problem!" Lancer shouts back. He leans to Rider. "How long was she there?"

"She always was. For a legendary hero you're not very sharp."

They wander off shortly thereafter, and then Kana holds the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven up by the neck. "And what do you have to say for yourself, hm?"

"I-I am pure evil, I burn the monkmen and the monkwomen and the monkchildren-"

And that was as far as Nobu got before Kana tossed her up, grabbed her by the ankles, and swung her at Robin like an axe - or a rusty chainsaw, considering the colour schemes involved. "AND YOU!" Kana shrieks, while Robin sighs and takes the beating like a man, "WHY ARE YOU BECOMING LIKE THIS?!"

"Frankly speaking, Master, I'm just really bored. There's nothing to do."

"THERE'S EVERYTHING TO DO ROBIN COME FIND ME!"

"Haha, Master, that's a sex thing-OW OW OW OW OW NO IRON CLAW NOBU!"

"MAXIMUM IRON CLAW FOR NOBU!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

So while Kana starts squeezing Nobunaga's head like a melon ready to burst and Robin laments the decisions that brought him to this point, Okita Souji is already on her knees, haori slightly open, katana drawn and ready to disembowel herself. "I-I'm entirely innocent," she says in not-hysterics. "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING THE BOMBS WERE NOBU'S IDEA!"

"ZOMBIEKITA YOU FAIL ME FOR THE LAST TIME-AAAAAAAAAH NO MY SKULL!"

A part of Kana sighs, for this has rapidly become her daily routine. The rest of her squeezes Nobu's head tighter, for nobody calls her Okita a zombie and gets away with it.

Then a clockwork raven wearing a classy red muffler lands on her head and suddenly all of Kana screams, in the exact same pitch as one Demon King of the Sixth Heaven, moments before ornate red pillars fall down from the sky and trap her together with her trio of incredibly stupid servants.

"Tut tut, Miss Tohsaka," a dignified british gentlemen growls, before he exhales a puff of cigar smoke. The former Lord El-Melloi II, ex-Lord of Modern Magecraft, taps his cigar against one of the pillars of his noble phantasm and scowls at the redhead behind the red bars. "Tut. Tut."

"...In my defense, Nobu was gonna blow up my boy Lancer," Kana replies in a small voice.

Waver says nothing. His glare remains as unyielding as the end of ages, the scourge of dynasties and the fall of kingdoms. There is no such thing as sympathy for the wicked in the stone sentinel maze of a man who scared off an army with a sick string solo. She whimpers and submits to her fate.

The El-Melloi Class is in session - has been for over an hour by now - and she's attending, whether she wants to be in it or not.

In 2026, humanity is obliterated (!)

Incinerated (!)

Annihilated (!)

Eradicated (!)

And so on and so forth-ed (!)

Point is they dead and now Chaldea's all that is left

Now it seeks to fix everything and right the wrongs in the snarls of time

But the slight problem is that the last two Masters are semi-trained wizards, one more semi- than the other

And the only magus that can teach them, despite being the best teacher alive, is also exasperated (!)

Irritated (!)

Aggravated (!)

Agitated (!)

Exacerbated (!) - wait no that one's wrong (!)

A dictionary and more can probably be found in…

FATE/SUNNY ORDER

"...Should I even ask?"

"Nobu was going to blow Cu up with Robin's help. I decided to intervene."

Ritsuka Tohsaka, for once not wearing his Chaldean uniform but rather a t-shirt and pants over some long johns, plus glasses, frowns at his twin sister currently wearing a dunce cap. "Did he really need the help, though?"

"Rider was with him," Kana replies, like that explains anything.

"You're just trying to get out of class."

"Well can you blame me?!"

There is a crack and a yelp as Kana crumples off her chair, followed shortly by powdered chalk. Across from Ritsuka, Mashu grimaces as Ritsuka clicks his tongue. For all of Kana's academic talent - somehow making the top ten in Homurahara for their finals - she's never been great at classroom etiquette. And two rows behind them, D'Eon takes additional notes that they'll claim are for class but which Ritsuka knows are actually for his dossier. At least D'Eon is polite in being relentless.

"Class is finally in session, Miss Tohsaka, so settle down," says the former Lord El-Melloi II, "Or shall I render unto Kana that which is Kana's, like you rendered unto Nobunaga that which is Nobunaga's?"

Kana and Ritsuka both shudder. They are skilled, but all pale in comparison to the originator of the Iron Claw Technique. "M-Mercy…"

Waver sighs and shakes his head. Troublesome students are a dime a dozen, but rarely has he had to deal with trouble due to a lack of motivation. "Your element is unusual but hardly a millstone around your neck, so it is only a matter of paradigms. And that is the crux of today's lesson, Kana Tohsaka."

She clambers back onto her chair and grunts. "What, how to fix bad fundamentals?"

Waver affixes her with a significant look. "The fundamentals that matter to you are already solid enough for our purposes, and the rest are either matters of personal outlook or will require the work of years that we do not have - I doubt you will ever need to establish your own workshop, for instance, nor do you have the slightest inclination towards thaumaturgical development or ritual casting. Building upon them will be the subject of another lesson. No, today we shall tackle the matter of elements and how they shape one's understanding of natural forces and how to manipulate them."

Kana can parse that, but she does not bother to. "U-Uh," Mashu starts, before she can be rude, "Caster, could you elaborate?"

Waver nods. "In short, today I will be teaching Kana how to sword. Mindset is key when it comes to matters of magecraft, and she is no exception." He addresses each of the four students currently in the classroom. "Ritsuka, as an Average One, has an affinity for all five of the classical elements and thus has great potential. Provided he applies five times the effort of any other magus, he may become one of the greats of the Clocktower like his mother before him."

Ritsuka blinks and frowns, while Kana groans and presses her face against her desk. "But mom's just a Brand, though," he says. "Professor, she only maybe gives a guest lecture once a year. What do you mean she's a great?"

"...I'll leave you to deal with your family's legacy after the Grand Order, but suffice to say your mother has been a Grand of the Clocktower for over a decade at this point."

"W-What. Since when?!"

"Moving on," Waver states curtly, "Miss Kyrielight's element is currently unknown, but due to her current status likely aligns with the property of defense, protection, possibly self-sacrifice. Likely Ether by my deduction, if not something more esoteric." He frowns. "But any magecraft she performs will by nature be inferior to her own abilities as a Demi-Servant, so this lesson is largely wasted on her until she masters her own powers, after which it may have marginal benefit in expanding her own abilities based on that foundation."

"But the theory is interesting either way!" Mashu chirps.

"Fou fou," the fluffy cat-puppy on her head yips lazily.

"And Saber Le Chevalier d'Eon at the back is a Heroic Spirit and does not actually need this lesson," Waver adds wryly, to which the Servant merely shrugs in agreement, "Which brings us to the most relevant party in this room, who has up to this point avoided all her lessons as a matter of teenage rebellion. Kana." He points at her with the knuckle of one hand, the other arm folded behind his back. "What is a sword?"

She blinks. She looks at him. "Huh? I thought you were going to tell me."

He flicks another piece of chalk at her and it zips past her head and explodes against the wall to the back of the classroom some forty meters away. She squeaks and pulls her dunce cap over her ears. "I just told you it was all a matter of paradigm. Mindset is key when it comes to matters of magecraft, whether it is dogged determination, actual talent, or the simple question of what something means to you. So I ask again: What is a sword?"

An awkward silence settles over the room. Only the sounds of Fou snoring softly and the quiet hum of the air conditioning help break the monotony - but do nothing to alleviate the pressure.

"A weapon of nobility, likened as a tool of justice and a symbol of the peerage since time-" Ritsuka pauses, noticing Waver's look, and nods. "Right, sorry Caster." He frowns at his sister with concern. "There's no such thing as a wrong answer here, Kana. You just need to think on it a bit."

Kana swallows. This will be a very long lesson.

"That. Was a six hour lesson." Waver Velvet, the former Lord El-Melloi II, Professor of the El-Melloi Class and now-and-forever Lady Reines El-Melloi Archisortie's man-bitch, sighs heavily and then takes a long sip from a piping hot cup of earl grey, a cup so hot his glasses fog over immediately and a sip so long that the King of Britain next to him has enough time to finish her cup of green tea and pour a new one before he's finished.

It was a rather large cup he had. And he has many grievances to air. Mostly about her charge and goddaughter.

Arturia Pendragon, an experienced hand at managing such dramatic bitchery, does not bat an eyelid as she takes the earl grey teapot and refills his cup for him. "That bad, huh? I can sympathise. I tried to teach that girl English composition for three years."

"She at least thinks English is an important life skill. Her English is comprehensible - for a Japanese girl."

"You woefully underestimate how much she wants to be a magical superhero, and you greatly overestimate how much effort it took to teach her the difference between 'your' and 'you're'." Saber takes a long sip from her teacup this time, though it is not as long as the Professor's. She's not nearly so dramatic, after all. "And her English is impeccable how dare you." Arturia sniffs. "She even has a slight British accent."

"...A strange thing to be proud of, but okay." Waver Velvet looks at his reflection in the tea, and his sigh causes ripples in its surface. "She understands so much on the surface level. She has a good memory and strong cognitive abilities, but she struggles when it comes to the metaphorical. Which, when concerning mystical matters, is a problem."

"It can't be that bad."

"She told me that swords were sharp metal objects used as weapons by various cultures that may or may not have been adapted from farming implements, and were objectively speaking the best sort of weapon because they couldn't be used for other purposes. Which, besides being objectively false, shows a stunning lack of depth to her thought process."

Saber sucks on her teeth. "That is quite bad. But in my experience, you need to adjust your own paradigms when it comes to Kana. She struggles when given her own framework because she's so solidly talented in most regards… which teaches her a lot of easy shortcuts which undermine the actual learning outcomes. Most likely, Kana has already internalised the basics of magecraft, which affect her ability to wrap her mind around the more esoteric mindset that she needs to invent new magecraft for herself."

Waver looks at her. He nods, and in a matter of moments has a pen and notebook out, scribbled with notes. Saber hums as he writes everything down, pleased as an educator to help another - and smug as a King to have gotten one up over Rider's Master. "Mm… So I will need to break her preconceptions somehow before I can teach her. Tiresome, but necessary. Why is it always the prodigies who give the most trouble?"

"Because you only teach prodigies, Lord El-Melloi II."

"Saber, please. I relinquished that title ten years ago."

"Perhaps," the King of Britain says. "But to those you've touched, you will always be Lord El-Melloi II. How many of your students still call you that?"

"...More than a few." A little bitter, the Professor looks at Saber's tea. "How can you stand drinking that bitter swill?"

Arturia groans. "We are not having this conversation again, Waver Velvet. Green Tea has antioxidant properties. It is healthy."

"So is Earl Grey. It aids in digestion. Though I suppose your stomach needs no assistance."

Saber's tummy roars like a dragon. The King herself is unbowed, though she twitches in place as blood rushes to her cheeks. But only for a moment. "It is dinnertime, Waver Velvet. There is no shame in feeling hungry at dinnertime."

"I've seen you eat. There is much to be shameful of."

"You dare."

"Settle down. Food is here." Archer arrives, as ever an angel of comforts and mediation, and sets down a grill platter before Saber's eyes. A small robot like a clockpunk roomba slides over with fish and chips for the Professor not long after, before any protest can be made. The King, her hunger answered, digs in with dignity. The joy on her face with every bite turns infectious; everyone eating can't help but feel satisfied with their meal.

Now, watching from a distance, Waver Velvet cannot help but think of another student of his. An assistant with a heavy burden to bear, one she struggles to carry even now. And because of the King next to him, intentionally or not. He sighs, thinking back to their own adventures, solving magical mishaps like the office gopher, always thinking back to the 'whydunnit'.

...The why, huh?

"Archer." The Counter Guardian looks over with a blank expression. "Tell me, why do you think Kana insists on avoiding her magic?"

Archer nods, catching on quickly. "The image of her spellcasting is ultimately me. Which is stupid. I am the opposite of the ideal magus." He raises an eyebrow. "Do you want my help in shattering her preconceptions? Pardon my intrusion, but I overheard your conversation with Saber."

Waver shakes his head. "It would be of great benefit to her. She needs to understand that her paradigm, the whydunnit of her magecraft, is flawed - and only then can she create something properly suited for her."

Archer nods. "Then I shall come tomorrow."

"Excellent. You have my thanks, Archer."

Saber, feeling competitive, huffs. "And yet, without my insight into her learning mindset, you would have never come to this conclusion at all. So where are my thanks, Waver Velvet?"

He sighs.

"I will begin my thesis thusly: Swords are stupid. They have no inherent meaning. All they do is kill and kill and kill. They are worthless tools whose only purpose is to destroy. That is all they are. That is all they will ever be. All meaning ascribed to the sword is virtual, as meaningless as broken promises. They are the weapon equivalent of a one-trick pony with no redeeming qualities save for how thoroughly they debase themselves in trying to perform their singular trick."

As Archer continues his spiel, his expression never changing yet his presence growing more severe, Waver cannot help but wonder if he's made a mistake. Ritsuka, who has been slowly inching away since the start of this makeup lesson, is already at the door. Mashu, who is not so wise, is listening with rapt attention and growing horror. D'Eon has already dematerialised and left. And Kana, the focus of today's lesson, has the sort of expression one would make after losing all the joy in their life.

...That is to say, Archer's expression.

"A-Archer, what about… What about Excalibur? It's a sword with lots of meaning!"

He gives her an unreadable look. "Ask Saber what Excalibur does on its own, and she will tell you it kills. Whether a man or a fortress, it simply destroys. That is all."

"B-But you're a sword!" She sobs.

"And I'm stupid." He tilts his head. "I thought that was clear. Swords are stupid, Kana. They have no meaning. So-"

Kana screams and breaks down, sobbing inconsolably. Ritsuka, whose hand was already on the doorknob and ready to make a break for it, rushes over to comfort her while Mashu runs out to get something nice, like ice cream.

"-You need to make your own meaning, because nothing matters, so you have to make it matter." Archer blinks. "Was it something I said?"

"YES!" Ritsuka roars. "God dammit Archer she's crying! Get out!"

Archer pauses. "I'm sorry I'm stupid."

"I'M SORRY I'M STUPID!" Kana wails.

"I SAID GET OUT!"

He bows and dematerialises. Waver sighs.

Well, hopefully it teaches her something.

"So Kana told me she's giving up on magecraft entirely," Saber tells him later at night. A kebab skewer in hand, she looks at Waver significantly before taking a bite. "What did Archer tell her?"

"Swords are stupid and meaningless, apparently."

"Mm. That's not good. I was actually expecting him to bribe her." Saber takes another skewer and regards it briefly, meat juices dripping down the stick, before shoving the whole thing down her throat. She doesn't even chew, just swallow. This is the one fated to save his homeland in its time of need. "You need to restore her faith in magic. Failing that, you need to terrify her into understanding that magic is the only thing that can help her now. I recommend bringing up the Kaleidosticks."

"...The Wizard Marshall's failed project?" Waver shakes his head. "That's just cruel and unusual."

"Mm." Saber says nothing, for she feasts. "Well, then this is out of my dollhouse, as they say."

Well, that's helpful.

"I've been extremely helpful. What do you mean?" Saber tut-tuts at Waver. "Alas, if you truly are lost, I can talk to her."

This might end poorly as well, Waver thinks. But what the hell, everything might. "Please do."

"Teacher, I'm sorry… I just… I need a moment. I'll be fine! I-I'll… I'll be fine soon, don't worry about me…"

"Gray…"

"T-They… They thought I was… T-That she was… I was with them the whole morning, a-and they didn't know, didn't even ask… A-Are we the same? Teacher?"

"..."

"...I'm sorry, Teacher. I-I'll be taking a leave of absence f-for a few days. Please don't look for me."

"...Okay."

Waver exhales harshly as an old memory crosses his mind. Leaned back in a couch in his workshop, nursing a headache with a pot of coffee and a feathered fan to supplement the air conditioning, eyes shut so he can ignore the material world for just a few more minutes. The prevailing theory was quite insistent that most Pseudo-Servants would struggle to retain their ego barrier, let alone after something as traumatic as the Human Incineration. He should barely remember anything. So why does he have to remember everything?

Being chosen by the Sleeping Dragon is once again a blessing and a curse. He is saved and allowed to serve - and that just lets him suffer again. Oh, to be foolish. And if he's to follow in his King's footsteps, he can't well deviate, can he?

He hears a few knocks on the door, feels the reactive curses he placed on it trigger and be completely ignored. He sighs; what good is it to finally have some usable magecraft, only for it to be useless against just about everyone in this place? "I'm here," he growls. Waver sits upright and neatens himself up; no sense being untidy with visitors around.

The door opens and the King of Britain enters, wearing a furred mantle over her battle dress. She lingers by the door after she closes it behind them, her lips a strained line which casts a brooding shadow over her delicate, doll-like features. Even if the girl herself is anything but delicate. Waver glances aside at the door ornament over her head. Even now, even decades on from that first reunion and semi-regular correspondence, Waver struggles to look at her.

That face brings bad memories. It is only two degrees of separation away from his King's death at the hands of the King of Heroes, and just reminds him about everything concerning that failed attempt at teenage rebellion.

Arturia Pendragon seems to notice and throws up her mantle's hood over her head. Now Waver can't look at her for a different reason. She notices that too. "I guess there's just no way for us to meet on neutral terms, Professor El-Melloi II."

"I thought you went to talk to our Master," Waver states, unexpectedly irritated.

"I considered it, but then I decided to give her some time first. So instead, I followed a… let's call it a hunch." She touches her cheek thoughtfully, an eye on Waver's expression. "How is she?"

"Gray is alright. Assisting Reines is as much of a promotion as I can give her." He raises an eyebrow. "Though it can't compare to getting adopted by the House of Windsor."

"Unofficially, Professor," Saber sighs, "Unofficially. Elizabeth was insistent on that. Says that the royal family can't afford that sort of incident in this political climate. But at least she'll be taken care of by the closest thing she has to family." She shakes her head. "Besides myself and yourself. And that cult."

"The best thing you can do for her, Saber, is to stay away." There is some heat in that statement, Waver realises, but no malice. It is the simple truth in his eyes. Gray Pendragon could have lived a normal life as a village girl, but due to the whims of fate and the cult that groomed her, must now be the vessel of King Arthur.

That King Arthur was incarnated separately does not change the fact that, the night she was summoned to fight in the Fifth War, she changed and lost another thing that she can never get back, hair dye and contacts be damned.

"...We talked that day, Waver Velvet. I remember it clearly. You asked me to fetch some reports and coffee."

"And then you told me to man up and fetch them myself." Waver scoffs. "I recall that incident too. It was a great shock."

Saber shakes her head. "You thought it finally happened. That I'd possessed her. What were you trying to do when you started a conversation?"

"See if anything remained of a village girl who wanted a quiet life. A girl whose face I cannot bear to look at - and who has been a great comfort to my work… and my life." He pinches his eyes shut and lets out a shuddering breath. "Why are you really here, Saber?"

The King of Knights smiles, now. "To tell you the truth. I've failed Gray."

"A shock."

"I knew what she was from the moment I met her, when Shirou and Rin brought her to your apartment once they found out about the accidental swap. I had hoped to make amends by showing her compassion and, perhaps, familial closeness. But perhaps I should have given her a chance to prove herself. What she yearned for wasn't affection, but meaning." She looks up at the ceiling with a bitter laugh. "Once again, I was unable to know the hearts of my people."

"...You haven't answered my question, Saber."

"I suppose not," Saber nods. She pulls back her hood now and instead crosses her arms. "I saw Kana earlier. I meant to speak to her, but I see Gray's expression on her. She has the same face as when she left you to wander London alone, after that day. And I'm just as lost about what to do now as I was then." She nods with a grunt. "I come to ask you how you gave her hope again."

"...I didn't. I simply went to fetch her that evening, from the cemetery."

Saber frowns, then she realises and nods. She then shakes her head. "Unfortunately, Kana is single but not ready to mingle, as they say."

"What?"

"Nevermind. It's not important. I'll have to figure something else out." Only now does Saber walk over and sit down on one of Waver's chairs. With a curious frown, Waver pours her a cup of coffee, which she graciously accepts. "But that can wait. Please, tell me more about her adventures with you. Elizabeth never talked much about Gray."

Waver's lower lip quivers. He groans and pulls out a cigar. "I suppose… She has helped me see many cases through, and saved my life more times than I can count."

"Ah. I wonder which branch of the family she came from. Gareth, perhaps?"

"Mm. We shall start with the Incident on Rail Zeppelin, with the theft of Iskandar's mantle…"

She swings. Her sword blurs. The target is split in half. She pivots, reverses her slash, and cuts the next one's head off. Again and again she swings, tossing about flecks of sweat with every motion. Each movement has purpose, getting into range of her target, moving out of range of the next, defense and attack in the same motion. Control of the battlefield, boiled down to one girl against the world.

When the sixth virtual opponent falls, the simulation ends and her score is displayed. Kana doesn't even look at it. "Restart. Raise the intensity."

[MASTER GUDAKO, YOU HAVE BEEN TRAINING FOR THREE HOURS.]

"Restart," she repeats curtly. "Raise the intensity."

[ACKNOWLEDGED. LOADING…]

She twirls her blade and exhales, still fuming as she takes up a proper posture again. Kana knows she should work on bajiquan soon, but Archer did say that splitting her focus was the problem…

She shakes her head to try and get rid of those thoughts. She's just going to get angrier. Swords are useless, huh? Well, tough. She's a sword.

"Ara? Working hard, Master? Is it a makeup class, or are you finally pulling your weight?"

Kana scowls and gets her breathing under control. "End simulation." She turns about on her heels and points her sword, just inches from poking Stheno's throat. The Goddess doesn't flinch. She just smirks in an irritating manner.

"Not that there's anything wrong with that," she says with a sing-song voice, "Just that, you have a lot of weight to pull."

"Why are you here?"

"I heard a rumor that a girl got told she was stupid and cried, and simply had to see for myself," she says with a sneer, before crossing her arms. "So far, I'm not impressed. I was hoping for a show, but just got a tantrum."

Kana suppresses a growl. She feels the back of her right hand itch, but no; even if they regenerate, Command Seals aren't for petty feuds. Even if it would be super satisfying. "Congrats, I'm a disappointment. Now go away, I'm training."

Kana turns to go, but Stheno stays put. "Tell me," the eldest Gorgon says, "Why don't you just give your command seals to the other idiot I call Master? You're just slowing him down, after all." She faux-gasps. "He might even be motivated if you-"

Her temper, which was already boiling, explodes. Kana throws her sword right at Stheno and the air snaps in its passage. The Assassin doesn't even step aside; the training blade lands too far to the right and clatters loudly against the floor, where it rests with a noticeable bend to the blade. "Give me one good reason I shouldn't just suicide command seal you right now."

Stheno claps, but she does not smile. "Bravo, Master. You're just debasing yourself further. One setback and you're threatening me? How privileged! And as a Goddess, I know privilege."

"You don't know a thing about me," Kana hisses. She holds up her right hand. "Five seconds. I'm not screwing around."

"Because then you'd lose, Master."

"You think I care about losing?!"

"Obviously you do. You're sulking here, instead of understanding what Archer was trying when he broke you down and tried building you back up. Ara," she says, pretending to be embarrassed about letting slip a secret, "How careless of me, I've given away the answer. Whatever will I do?"

Kana says nothing for several long seconds, just quietly fuming as she wonders just what to say to that. "Stheno," she finally says, right fist clenched. "...Just get out."

The Gorgon chuckles as she dematerialises. "As you insist, Master…"

She waits for one second, two seconds… She sets off her circuits and blasts a hole in the wall with a bolt of Gandr. Stheno snickers as she leaves in spiritual form, and finally Kana is alone. She wipes the sweat off her forehead and then shouts as she punches the floor. The floor does not budge; her hand screams in pain. Kana winces and cradles her aching fist.

"...Fuck you, Stheno," she murmurs, and gets up.

"So yeah that's my bugbear. Anything You can help me with?"

Medea of Colchis, the legendary Witch of Betrayal who aided Jason the Argonaut acquire the Golden Fleece and was later betrayed by him, then later betrayed him, says nothing at first. She blinks slowly, eyes clenched tightly shut before opening again. Behind, amidst the dragon tooth warriors sweeping the floors, wiping the surfaces with a rag and rearranging brightly coloured potions on the shelves and racks, Altera the Hun pokes her head into and subsequently falls into an empty cauldron with a clang.

Kana rubs her eyes. That… did not just happen. Oh no, it happened. "Altera, you okay?"

"M'okay, Master," her Saber calls out from the cauldron with a slightly tinny voice. Kana hears the sound of breathing, and then a louder clang, which makes Medea jump in her seat. "...Still okay."

"Sabers," Medea says with a roll of her eyes. "That being said, Master… I'm not sure how much I can help? Magecraft is a matter of paradigm, and your element is unique, which makes education… a challenge. That being said, Mystic Codes are a viable workaround."

Hearing this, Kana sticks her tongue out. "Eurgh, no thanks. I like travelling light." Not to mention, Medea would probably charge ridiculous prices for anything. She is not attending a dumb photoshoot just for some stupid magic lamp.

"...No doubt," Medea says carefully. "Which leaves us with the second option: What is a sword to you?"

Hearing this, Kana immediately went to knead her temples. "Oh my god I don't wanna go over that again. Swords are swords, that's all! I can't put it into words! Isn't there a third option?"

"That's actually a good start, Master. Swords are swords to you, and you're invested in their material properties - so emulate them. The sharpness of a sword's edge, the toughness of steel… Things like that. I am not one for swords, myself, so unfortunately I cannot elucidate on their virtues so well."

"Oh oh!" Altera pokes her head out of her cauldron, eyes peering from the rim with a coolly intrigued expression. "Sword of Mars is shiny, is like a rainbow, and lets Altera do Photon Ray!"

"...We weren't talking about that sort of thing, Altera, and I don't think I can replicate the Sword of Mars. Sorry."

"Oh. Okay." Altera deflates slightly and goes back into her cauldron, in a way that makes Kana feel bad but also kind of contemplative.

"...In any case, what's the point?" Kana sighs and curls up on the stool, wrapping her arms around her knees. "It's true. Swords are only good for killing."

"As opposed to Rule Breaker, which is useless as a weapon but can shatter magecraft with ease?" Medea asks evenly.

"...Huh." Kana drums her fingers. "Wait, but it's a dagger."

"And it's part of Archer's arsenal in Unlimited Blade Works, so it counts." Medea smiles and pats Kana's hand. "Caliburn is also a sword, but was mostly only important because it revealed Saber to be the King of Knights."

"...Didn't Aunt Saber still fire big lasers from it?"

"Ultimately irrelevant, dear," Caster explains. "I think what Archer really meant was that the meaning humans ascribe to killing weapons matters just as much."

"...Ohhhh."

"For instance, take Rule Breaker, which I used to chop up my brother into tiny pieces in a fit of divinely-induced mad love. It's 'just' a knife, but by investing it with the blasphemy of my fratricide-"

"N-No, Caster, you had a good thing going-"

"What I'm saying is that your actions speak louder than what people think, dear." Caster stops for a moment, smiles, and places her other hand over Kana's as well. "And that you may have to cut Ritsuka. Just a bit."

A beat.

"I'm kidding, of course."

Kana does not think she's kidding at all.

There is a buzzing in the air, like every molecule vibrated at once. All the bone janitor warriors go stiff for a moment before going back to work. Altera sticks her head out of the cauldron again. "Master. Caster. Master Ritsuka's looking for Master Kana."

Kana sighs. "He probably wants to talk about my meltdown. Ugh, brothers," she says with a good-natured eye roll. "Thanks for the talk, Caster. I'm gonna go cut my brother a little bit right now."

"Bye-bye Master," says Altera from inside her cauldron, fiercely resisting the attempts of a group of dragon tooth warriors to try and shake her out.

"Take care, Master." A dragon tooth warrior comes over with a tincture of some sort, which Medea takes, and she waves her off. "The photoshoot will be tomorrow. You'll do a duo piece with Rider."

"Wh-Oh come on! I just came for some advice!"

"The basis of all Magecraft is equivalent exchange, Master. At least be thankful that your psychological care is affordable in your day and age~"

Kana doesn't even know the worst part about that statement: the implication that ancient Colchis had better mental health, or how wrong she is about modern Japan.

"...So you doing alright?"

"I've been better," Kana admits. "Could we not do a long serious chat or whatever? I just got done with two of them, and Aunt Saber's probably gonna find me soon, so could we instead of talk just-"

"-Potato for a couple hours?" Ritsuka nods and pulls out a small pouch filled with crystals. "Don't worry about it. We'll summon a bit and then we'll go play Overcooked with Mashu and Dr Roman. Sound good?"

Kana was already hugging him the moment he said 'worry'. "You're a real bro, bro."

"Someone has to be," he remarks with a sigh. "Alright, get off of me, you're heavy. And we're only getting CEs today, so if you summon anyone I will end you."

Kana opens her mouth. She closes it. "Should I go back to Caster and get Rule Breaker, then? Because I might have to cut you."

"...I'm not even going to respond to that."

"I'm going to cut you."

"But I didn't summon anyone!" Kana whines.

"THEN WHAT THE HECK IS THIS?!" Ritsuka shrieks as he points a copy of the Jeweled Sword Zelretch at the woman who summoned it. "DO YOU REALISE WHAT THIS IS?!"

"...It's definitely not the Jeweled Sword, Rits, because you haven't accidentally turned yourself into a girl yet."

"THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!"

"I mean are you sure? Because mom might have written a paper on it, but you definitely haven't-He-Hey! Hey! Put down the weapon, Rits, you can't even handle it properly!"

"I'LL HANDLE YOU PROPERLY!"

"And that's why we're late for Overcooked." Ritsuka rubs the back of his head while Kana massages her knuckles. "Sorry."

"It's not the Jeweled Sword, by the way," Kana pipes up as smugly as she can, which makes Ritsuka bristle like a porcupine. "It's just a Craft Essence! I think it gives Servants free Noble Phantasm uses!"

Mashu Kyrielight frowns at them, but ultimately shrugs. "It's fine, senpai. I couldn't figure out how to set up the Xbox either, so I guess we're even."

"...Yeah that's fair."

"Plus the Doctor pulled out suddenly, so we might have just found the next Singularity." With an excited hop, Mashu holds her hands together. "I hope it's like Rome! Boudica was such a nice person!"

Ritsuka and Kana exchange looks. They then share worried frowns. "...We're definitely not bringing Aunt Saber along," Ritsuka decides.

"Ayep," Kana agrees. "You'll probably threaten her anyways."

"Only if she brings a Grail along again." A beat. "I'm double checking the Grails later. Mashu, you free?"

"It sounds important!" Mashu says, with enough enthusiasm that it might even be true. "That means I'm obligated to come along, senpai!"

It doesn't, but no one would really say no to the company, least of all Ritsuka. "Thank you, Mashu. Sorry for the trouble." He turns to Kana and nods. Kana nods back.

Welp. Looks like she's running interference tonight.

"So yeah in conclusion swords aren't stupid, but they are made for killing - and therefore they are good at killing specific things." Kana folds her arms triumphantly at that realisation and nods proudly. "Mmhm, like you know how rapiers are like super stabby? Kind of like that, but not french."

Le Chevalier d'Eon, who uses a rapier, does not comment. In his aspect as a dragoon and a spy he keeps his tongue and simply adds to his dossier on Kana Tohsaka, chaos personified. Waver Velvet is a bit more impressed; none of this is substantiated by theory and is frankly wildly ambitious by just about every metric, and even with her ridiculous circuit count it's unlikely she'll ever really make the full use of her paradigm, purely because she's not a researcher by temperament. But it's workable. And considering her mindset and mentality, she's more likely to wind up as a spellcaster more than a magus anyways - but one who is going to benefit greatly from familial connections, unlike most magi who follow that lifestyle. "Right," Waver nods. "This is progress. Very good, Miss Tohsaka."

Kana preens, while on her left Ritsuka sighs in relief and on her right Mashu claps her hands together. Behind Mashu, some four rows back, Arturia Pendragon nods firmly and adjusts her spectacles, looking very much like the teacher she was for several years in Fuyuki - except instead of a smart blouse and cardigan she's wearing magic plate armour and a fur cape. Waver still can't see her as a teacher; but then, she probably couldn't see him from the Fourth War as a teacher, either. Which is fair enough.

"Now then," Waver says, eager to finally get this lesson going, "We shall discuss the fundamentals of magecraft. There is little time to do more than the basics, but the basics are more than enough for your needs as a Master; your Servants will do the rest. So, Miss Tohsaka, what magecraft do you know?"

Kana blinks. She looks like a deer in the headlights. Waver's brow sinks beneath the waves, all hands lost on the HMS Why This. Ritsuka, who is slowly sinking towards the ground, has a similar expression. "Uh…"

"Your Element might not be perfectly compatible with your family Magecraft, but your circuits are still well suited for it. What has your mother taught you, Kana?"

"...I mean, I've been struggling with knowing I'll never be a good wizard for over twelve years at this point?" Kana says, smiling the widest, brightest grimace she has ever worn. "So, I mean… I know a little?"

"Yes, but what do you know?"

"...Reinforcement?"

The scream that threatens to escape Waver's lips is quiet, monotonous, and is actually his soul leaving his body. "Ritsuka, does she at least know gemcraft?"

"A-A little," he admits, just barely peeking over the table with haggard eyes, "Plus some basic healing… She can charge gems and make them explode? A-And close wounds? And - well actually she's actually really good at Reinforcement, so we can probably actually get started with that…"

"And she has a fighter's instinct," Arturia nods proudly. "A strong nerve to stay cool and collected in all circumstances - when she wants to be," she adds with an accusatory look.

"...So she can't make familiars to scout, establish bounded fields to make safe bases, or use the good gemcraft."

"...Wait, Rits. Can you make familiars?"

Ritsuka, by now face down on the floor, rummaged through his pockets and flicked out a small piece of quartz. It landed on the table as a small rocky beetle that watched her intently. The beetle nodded, then raised two legs and waved them about before collapsing back into a chunk of dimmed crystal.

"...Okay why didn't you do that in France?"

"I did. You just never noticed."

"He made a few birds," Mashu confirms with a nod.

"Huh." Kana frowns. "...Oh," she says with sinking horror. "Oh god I've hamstrung myself, haven't I?"

And so, Waver Velvet thanks whatever god cares to listen that the two idiots in front of him have to go resolve the next Singularity before he has to teach the daughter of Rin Tohsaka everything she hasn't learned in eighteen years.

- End Chapter Fourteen -

At the bar again, Ritsuka and Saber sit next to one another as they wait for their food. With a bit of time on his hands for once, he thought to have some actual food for once.

"...So, Aunt Saber." Arturia looks up, quietly slurping a noodle into her mouth. "When did mom make Grand?"

"Oh, she ended the Sixth Holy Grail War and purified the Grail of the corrupted mud of Angra Mainyu by herself. There was something about dimensional diffraction and the nature of the land, I don't quite understand the arcane theory behind it. Lord El-Melloi II, Lord Maris-Billy Animusphere, and I believe Lady Luviagelita Edelfelt backed her bid for the rank of Grand… although she never actually wanted the rank."

"...Wait mom did what? There was a Sixth Holy Grail War?!"

"Ah." Saber sips her green tea. "This is one of the things I'm not supposed to tell you."

"There's more?!" Ritsuka folds his arms. "Aunt Saber, tell me."

"No. It's not my place to say."

"Oh please, I need to know this!"

"That's quite debatable," Saber replies.

Outraged and indignant, Ritsuka starts to retort when his food appears suddenly. Ritsuka then looks at Archer with slightly crazy eyes. "Archer! My parents are keeping secrets from me!"

"Obviously." The Counter Guardian puts his hands on his hips, still wearing his shockingly pink apron. "Is there a problem?"

"Yes!" Ritsuka raves, and raises his hands above his head. "I'm supposed to be the heir! I need to know these things! Why wouldn't they tell me?"

"...Because you're eighteen and impressionable and stupid," Archer replies frankly, to which Saber winces. "Your parents trust you, they just don't want to overload you. I'm sure you already know plenty of secrets, like how your godmother is King Arthur, how I'm what your father could have turned into, how your aunt Taiga is actually a yakuza princess, and the fact that there are guns under the floorboards."

"...I do know those things, but how do you know I know those things?"

"I asked your aunt Saber," he says flatly. "There's so much you don't need to know, and plenty more you don't want to know. So trust your parents, Ritsuka. They'll tell you when they can." He shrugs. "Not that they can right now. Your parents are dead."

Ritsuka goes quiet all of a sudden. He looks at his food, a bowl of cold soba. He sniffs.

Archer blinks. He glances at Saber, sees her disappointed frown, and shakes his head. "I'm sorry I'm stupid," he says.

"I'm sorry I'm stupid," Ritsuka lifelessly echoes.

The rest of the night is deafeningly silent. Until Gilgamesh appears suddenly, is socked in the face by Saber, and spends the rest of the evening loudly complaining about his parents over dinner.

Because only Gilgamesh would distract someone from their dead parents by talking about his dead parents.