The Past Won't Rest

I took a deep breath and did my best to steady my nerves. I thought this mission wouldn't be all that complicated. It seemed simple enough. It was just Diggle, Thea and myself. Felicity was in the bunker working comms so we could all communicate without being obvious. We'd been trying to stop Cayden James for a while now and Felicity believed the first step to doing that was this mission. Apparently, there was some tech that she needed to be able to get into his computers to see what his plans were. I wasn't sure I understood how exactly because she'd used a lot of tech language but I trust her; and as she says nearly everyday 'computers never lie'. So, here we were.

I was nervous because this piece of tech was so invaluable that the Kord Industries CEO refused to take it off her person. Rather than just breaking into to the lab and trying to get to the CEO there, which would have been next to impossible with their security, we opted for an old fashioned undercover luck would have it, Miss. Daniels, Kord's CEO, was throwing a fundraiser of some kind and I was invited. And because God has a twisted sense of humor, the fundraiser was on a yacht.

"You ready, Ollie?" Thea asked from beside me.

"Yeah." It was a lie. I was nowhere near ready. I'd been on boats after the Gambit but this felt different.

I swallowed his emotions and started towards the yacht. This was a mission and emotions have no place here. The mission comes first.

"Alright, you guys all set." Felicity asked through the comms. Just hearing her voice soothed my nerves some.

"Yeah, Overwatch. Just tell us when to make our move." I all but whispered.

"Aye-aye, Captain." she replied. I heard Thea giggle to herself and fought the urge to smile.

Once we boarded the ship, I felt my nerves subside. It was easy to forget that I was on a massive boat when i wasn't looking at. I'd also started my mantra of reminders. This isn't then. The Gambit went down because Malcolm put a bomb on it. I'm stronger now than I was then. I'm not alone here. It was helping, especially the bomb part.

"Mr. Mayor, I'm so glad you could make it tonight." I heard someone speak. I pulled myself out my head and turned to find who was addressing me.

"Miss. Daniels, I'm glad to be a part of this. This is a wonderful party." I hate small talk.

"I honestly didn't think you'd be here." She stated with an understanding smile.

"I don't know what you mean?" My confusion must have shown on my face because she began to elaborate.

"Well, I just mean that after what happened the a few years ago, it would be reasonable if you didn't do boats anymore."

I felt the blood leave my face. I hate when people mention it. It was different if it was someone close to me but strangers. I couldn't help but feel they had no right to remind me of that night. That's not unreasonable, right? People don't walk up to strangers and remind them of their traumas but because everyone knows about mine they want to tell me they're sorry or they understand. But they don't. They don't even know me.

John must have heard the conversation and saw my expression because it only took him a few seconds to be at my side.

"Mr. Queen, you have a phone call." John lied.

"I'm sorry, Miss. Daniels. I need to take this." I lied as I excused myself from the conversation.

"Of course." She said, turning her attention to her other guests.

"You alright?" John asked once we'd reached a place that was a reasonable distance from the party goers.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. Thanks for the save." I reassured.

"3….2….1….The storms getting closer, Ollie."

"That's not very scientific, Sara."

I closed my eyes and did my best to push the memory down. This isn't then, I told myself for the millionth time tonight. In an effort to think of anything else, I turned my mind back to the mission.

"We need to get Miss. Daniels away from all these people somehow." I stated.

"How?" I heard Thea ask through the comms.

"I don't know." I should have known. It wasn't all that complicated of a mission. My mind is just not working.

"Thea, maybe you could spill something on your dress? That seems to work in movies." Felicity suggested.

"I'll give it a try." She replied.

I watched as Thea approached Miss. Daniels and began to engage her in conversation. Then came the sound that sent my heart flying straight to the floor. Thunder. It ripped through the air like fighter jet. No, please no.

"Overwatch, let me know as soon as she gets her alone. I'll get the tech so we get the hell out of here." I barked over the comms.

Felicity must have heard something in my voice because the next time she spoke it was only to me.

"Oliver, we're on a seperate channel. It's just me. Are you okay?" She asked. I could feel the tension in her voice.

"I'm gonna go to the restroom." I told John.

Once I found the restroom and locked the door, I spoke, "No."

"What's wrong? Is it the mission? Is something going wrong?" Felicity asked.

"Yes and no." I could feel all the emotions I had swallowed before coming up the back of my throat.

The thunder clapped through the air again and with it brought a downpour of rain. I could hear the party guests upstairs exclaim at the suddenness of it.

Then the dam I'd built earlier tonight with my mantra, broke. All the memories I'd try to seal out of my mind came pouring in. I couldn't control it. I couldn't stop it. I slid to the bathroom floor as the image of Sara being ripped away from me for the first time replayed. Next came the feeling of the water, being sucked down into the cold darkness and the first time I felt death had come for me. The water had been so cold that merely seconds after it hit me, I went numb. The realization that Sara was gone was what made me feel again. I wish it hadn't. She was dead because she cared for me. That was the first hit.

"Oliver, talk to me." Felicity called. I tried but the words wouldn't come. I felt as though my emotions we stealing my words before they could even form. I tried to think of something else, to focus on the mission but I couldn't.

"Oliver, please say something. Anything." Felicity pled.

"Fe-lic-ity." I said her name like it was a prayer. Honestly, it was.

She must have switched back over to the other channel because the next time she spoke it wasn't to me.

"Abort. Guys, someone needs to get to Oliver. Now." Felicity ordered. I tired to speak, to tell them it was okay. To tell them to focus on the mission.

"What's wrong?" Thea asked, fear in her voice.

"We're idiots. That's what's wrong. Just get to, Oliver and get the hell out of there." Felicity ordered again.

I lost all sense after that. I wasn't on the yacht anymore, at least not in my mind. Instead, I was on that life raft, drifting on the water. I could feel my father's presence next to me. I could feel the ache in my stomach from hunger. The dryness in my throat from thirst. The burn of being cold for far too long.

"You can survive this. Make it home. Make it better. Right my wrongs. But you gotta live through this first. You hear me, Ollie. You hear me, son."

"Just rest, dad."

"No."

I could feel the raft swaying on the water. I could hear my father's words as though he were sitting next to me now. He was wrong. I couldn't right his wrongs. I couldn't stop any of it from happening. I was too weak. He died so that I could live and I couldn't even honor his last request. It should have been me.

Gunshot. Why was the there gunshots? We're on the ocean.

"Dad!"

He looked at me, determination in his eyes and said his last words, "Survive".

Nothing. That's what I feel now.

"Oliver, you okay in there?" I heard John ask from the other side of the door.

"Ollie?" Thea called.

"Speedy, I'm sorry." I apologized. I don't know why but in that moment I realized that I'd never told her how sorry I was that our dad was gone because of me.

I heard the sound of someone messing with the door knob and then it opened.

Thea came rushing inside while John stood watch. She stopped at the sight of me, a crumpled mess on the floor. She didn't say anything, just lowered herself to the floor beside me. She reached over and took my hand in her own smaller one.

"Just breathe, Ollie." She encouraged. I did. I focused on that. My lungs filling with air and then deflating, over and over. When that faltered in helping, I would focus on the feeling of Thea's small hand. I'd find memories of her, John, Felicity and William and use them to anchor myself to now.

"Oliver?" Felicity called out, softly.

"I'm good." I reassured not only her but Thea and John as well.

"You sure?" Thea asked from beside me.

"Yeah, I just need to get off this boat."

Getting off the boat was simple enough thanks to the rain, most of the guests were leaving anyway. I was thankful that John offered to drive me home and that the ride was quick and silent. I always feel completely exhausted after these episodes. All I want to do right now is sleep.

"I'm sorry about the mission." I apologized before moving to get out of the car.

"We can always try again, Ollie. You're more important." Thea reassured in a way that made me feel warm.

"She's right. Rest easy, brother. We'll regroup tomorrow." John added with a smile.

"Thank you." I said before leaving the car and heading inside the building.

Upon opening the door to our home, I'd expected to find Felicity and William playing video games as they often did in the evenings. Instead, I found Felicity sitting on the couch. She was staring off into the distance. She must be lost in thought because she didn't notice me opening the door or walking to sit across from her.

"Where's Will?" I asked, looking around the room and finding him nowhere.

"He's in his room. He had a rough day and said he just wanted to read." She explained.

"Oh, is he okay?" I asked. I felt like shit for hoping he didn't need me but I just don't have any energy left.

"Yeah, kids are mean. We talked and he seemed fine, just drained." Felicity reasoned. Like father, like son.

"Good." I replied.

The sudden feeling of complete exhaustion took hold and the idea of staying awake a moment longer seemed impossible.

"I'm gonna go to bed." I announced. I walked over to kiss her goodnight before heading to our bed. The exhaustion I felt must be real because I couldn't be bothered with showering. Hell, I couldn't even be bothered to take off my suit. I just laid down and began to drift to sleep. I awoke quickly a few moments later. I instantly started looking for the threat.

"It's just me, honey." I heard Felicity say from somewhere in the dark room.

"What are you doing?" I asked when I felt her messing with my clothes.

"I was trying to at least get your shoes and suit jacket off, without waking you up. Which I would have, if you weren't so bulky." I laughed to myself.

"It's okay. I was just confused."

"But it's not okay." Felicity spoke so softly, I wasn't sure she'd said anything.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm sorry. I should have thought about what sending you there would do. It never even entered my mind that it would hurt you. I suck." She confided, moving to sit beside me.

I sat up at this admission. I didn't think this was what she was thinking about when I came home.

"Felicity, you don't suck. I should have told you that it was making me nervous." I admitted. In hindsight, I should have been honest about how the idea of the mission made me feel.

"Don't. I should have thought about it."

"I love you and we are beyond done with this conversation but I'm exhausted, honey."

She gave me an understanding nod and leaned forward till our lips met. When she pulled back she spoke, "at least take your jacket off before you go back to sleep".

I smiled and did as she asked.

I lay back down and onto my side. I felt sleep pulling me down at the same time I felt tiny arms wrap around me and Felicity's tiny frame press into my back. She was placing small kiss on my shoulder.

The last thing I heard before I gave in and let sleep take me was her soft voice, "I love you too"