Surrender

By: Musketeer Adventure

Summary: Events finally coming to a head has Shaun wondering if surrendering his dreams of being a good doctor is the only way to gain his independence. This is a missing scene for episode ten, 'Sacrifice'.

Everything was exploding…..or was it imploding? Fragmented thoughts, feelings and emotions – shattered around him like glass. He could practically see it all splintering and smashing to pieces down around his feet. Images of words cut in half; his heart breaking….. cracked beneath his shoes.

The brightly lit lobby with immaculately shiny, clean floors, spun around him in nauseous, wavering circles. Colors began blending together – melting into a sort of soupy, unpleasant concoction. He could barely breathe.

His brain was on fire and the lights in this wide open space bombarded his sight and reduced his vision to uncomfortable, painful flashes of lightning strikes. He blinked rapidly to compensate for the dazzling display, which only served to increase the stingy sensation of salty sweat burning in his eyes.

Dr. Glassman stood somewhere within the light, but he couldn't quite make him out.

Shaun smacked his head…..hard; just wanting to bring the lobby – this situation back into focus. But it didn't work; so he hit himself again….harder this time. He just wanted to live his own life….smack. Be a good doctor…..smack. Be the best surgeon he could be….smack. But the lobby continued to spin; the lights getting brighter by the second; the hum of the space droned on even noisier.

Switching tactics, he rubbed his head, and began to pace. He didn't want much – didn't need much. To own a seventy inch smart television; to listen to the magical voice of his talkative neighbor; and to feed the wayward cat who liked to perch silently on his balcony, delicately licking his paws…is what he wanted.

He stopped pacing and searched around; irrationally wanting Steve here to tell him with certainty that he was the smart one…..and could be whatever it was he wanted to be.

Instead, it was all spinning out of control. His life, the way he saw it, the way he had envisioned it – methodically planned it out; was disintegrating. And now that Aaron….no, Dr. Glassman, no longer believed in him, trusted in his abilities; it meant his dreams were to disappear as well.

What was he going to do?

Why was Aaron doing this? What had changed? Had he missed something? What made him think that he could make such a life altering decision for him? Press demands on him that he didn't want?

His answer had been no; emphatically no. Didn't he say that he could just say no? That it was childish to hide. Why couldn't Dr. Glassman hear him? Should he say it louder?

Over the humming noise he screamed, "No", and felt the word reverberate, bounce off the walls and pierce his ear drums. The pain was immense, but coving his ears only made it worse as his muffled yells of protests were trapped within the well of his ears alongside Dr. Glassman's anguished, urgent pleas.

The sounds, the bright lights, people talking in the lobby, Dr. Glassman reaching out – the thought of a stranger sitting in his home; at his kitchen table; in his personal space – where she didn't belong was all too much.

His heart beat fast….pounding hard in his chest. Sweat trickled down his back and he knew that if he didn't get away soon, the bile at the back of throat would erupt. And then Dr. Glassman was touching him – the frost of it causing an aching agony of cold to enter his veins. He pulled away to escape the pain.

Then it all went to hell.

Running for the door he could feel the sting of his strike still humming in the palm of his hand; but he couldn't stop – turn and say, "I'm sorry…I didn't mean it ….I'm scared"; because his feet were moving too fast and his inner voice yelled for him to "go quick before he captures you and takes it all away."

Didn't Bobby say, "Don't let anyone make you do what you don't want to do." Shaun liked Bobby and Bobby gave excellent advice. Bobby knew how to make a decision and stick to it. Bobby knew about living his own life on his own terms….no matter what anyone else thought about it.

And just as he left the building, and felt the cool air brush against his heated skin, the bus stopped; the door opened and he was heading home…knowing that he could no longer stay. No longer take this familiar route; or call St. Bonaventure his haven.

Sitting in his usual seat; feeling the cracked vinyl beneath him; sensing the soothing rhythm of wheels on pavement; watching billboards careen by settled his heart rate, his stomach and his mind. He began to rock back and forth, tousle his hair and think….his back pack a soft, protective cushion to the thump, thump, thump that slowly bought him some focus to a plan formulating in his mind.

"Think", he said aloud and held his hands tightly together in a death grip.

Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes and asked himself, "What would Steve do?" and when he opened them visualized a sequence of scenarios; steps to take; possible outcomes; obstacles; forks in the road and where they might lead. With determination he pulled out his phone and took step number one.

And when the bus made its final stop on his street, he had devised his plan, seen it all just as clearly as he had imagined the inner workings of the human body; illusive conditions and impossible diagnoses in his mind's eye – splayed out in high definition technicolor.

Stepping from the bus, he ran to his building – knowing he had to move fast. Dr. Glassman would be on his heels…no doubt with that intrusive therapist in tow.

Racing through his apartment, he grabbed for his suitcase; threw in all his clothes; snatched up the photo of he and Steve – frozen in a brief happy moment – threw in some apples and then closed the door behind him.

Standing outside Lea's door – his heart skipped a beat; but he couldn't knock; couldn't stop here. If he stopped to say good bye – he might not leave. She might say, "Stay. Don't go. Maybe you misunderstood." And he would stay – if she said to. Because she was nice to him, listened to him; let him come in and be himself. She asked nothing of him, but to be Shaun Murphy.

So he turned away and swiftly left the building.

And just as he stepped out onto the sidewalk – his Lyft was there ready to take him away to wherever he wanted to go, to do whatever he wanted to do; when he wanted to do it…to be just who he wanted to be.

But he couldn't open the door; sighed and sent the ride away. Standing awkwardly by the curb; hunched under the weight of his back pack; suitcase at his feet he wondered aloud, "What should I do now?" He could not stay and was afraid to go.

And then suddenly Lea was at his side in her slippers and pink matching housecoat; hair askew; hands buried deep in pockets; sleepy eyes squinting up at him. "I heard you at the door", she croaked out – and looking down at his suitcase ;with deft perception asked nonchalantly, "Are you going somewhere?"

Looking to a point over her shoulder; squeezing his hands tightly together, he drew in a shuddered breath and whispered back, "No one can tell me what I can or can't do."

Lea studied Shaun carefully and thought…something terrible must have happened; then nodded in agreement. "That's right", she said and picked up the suitcase. "Let's go inside and talk about this."

Watching her retreat and enter the building, Shaun looked up and down the empty street; studied the cloudless, starless sky – stroked his hair softly and decided to follow her in.

Thank you for reading this. Please leave a review and let me know what you think. Thoughts are most welcomed. I am eagerly awaiting the next episode!