The Warper News Network (the series)
December 2018
(Minor Trigger Warning)
(Cues: Z-TV Techno Song)
The logo flashes with three letters, "WNN", the Warper News Network. WNN is one of the three major news networks among reality warpers.
"WNN, the place that's not fake-conservative Fox, idiotically liberal MSNBC, and more classy than Nude News Network. We're the Warper News Network bringing you our neutral outlook! And here's Caulifla and Kale!" The announcer said as the footage rolls but reveals Caulifla and Kale operating from Capsule Corp.
There's a Christmas party in the background as Caulifla and Kale are in festive wear, but with grim moods. They made their introduction before moving up to an empty room with the cameraman to give the news.
"In tragic news, we sadly announce the passing of Stan Lee and Stephen Hillenburg, two who brought laughs in the hearts of many. We will continue to proudly make memes from your work in your honor." Kale said raising a glass of wine up for them before drinking.
"Hey…am I interrupting?" Stan Lee said coming in through the door.
"Yes, you got your cameo. Now go back to the party and let me mourn." Kale said as Stan left.
"Moving on. Tragedy struck as the universe home to the team famous for ending the Blackthorn-Frost rivalry is sadly falling apart and growing unstable. The Crystal Squadron has all escaped and are accounted for. Despite this, there is still plans for the wedding between the "Jaded Gemslayer" and the "Warrior of Ice and Fire" with rumors of a multi wedding in the mix." Caulifla said moving over to less depressing topics.
"It's no surprise it fell apart. Worlds related to Steven Universe, RWBY, and several other shows has been either purged, attacks, or their cores were growing unstable. There's also another problem, the Tumblr purge. Apparently, all adult content is being completely cut on site." Kale said as Caulifla went bug-eyed.
"WHAT?! I have people I follow there! It was the reason I joined that dumphole in the first place! Why the hell would they do this?!" Caulifla said enraged.
"It's too combat child porn and pedo rings!" Kale argued.
"While fucking over everyone else, how's thing going to help? Any discussion of sex and sexuality will be banned too." Caulifla said pointing out.
"You can find someplace else to do that!" Kale said as Caulifla got up her cup of hot cocoa.
"Why the fuck do you think most of the artists joined Tumblr in the first place?!" Caulifla said throwing the mug on the desk after downing the cocoa. "It's bullshit!"
"Besides Tumblr's long since guilty of hosting underage shit since the beginning and they let the problem grow out of control. Now sex workers are getting fucked out of a platform who are legally able to do so. Artists and writers are out now of a platform to communicate with others. The crit crew is doomed because viewers won't tolerate Tumblr bullshit!" Caulifla ranted. "And the NSFW community is screwed, but the Nazis are still free to spread their hate speech! Innocent posts are being flagged by Tumblr Staff's incompetent bots. All being done close to Christmas and on International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers."
Caulifla took a breath and slumped in her chair as Kale looked frightened.
"So, this is it…I fear the fate of the oracles. They're screwed…just like those Article 13 victims." Caulifla said as her phone rang. "Huh…it seems we have footage from Whis and Vado who are on the ground on Tumblr Beta. Let's switch to them."
The footage swapped to the two angels and the planet was falling apart as artists and oracles were fleeing the dying planet.
"It seems that Tumblr's host planets are starting their purging early. Tumblr Bots are attacking, and it seems that Neo-Nazis and "TERFs" have joined in the slaughter." Vados said as a lone Sapphire was running dodging laser blasts.
She ran into a Bot which knocked her to the ground.
"You were flagged and now must be purged." The Bot said charging his plasma rifle.
"Oh, that's bullsh-" Sapphire said as a blade of water slashed it in two revealing a version of Lapis in modern clothes. "Thanks. Where's the others?"
"Escaping. Mirai's leading the charge. By the way, he wants to apologize to you before this planet blows." Lapis said bitter at the situation. "He and those from Dragon Ball fandom are fighting off the stans, bots, and Nazis."
"Excuse me, miss? Can you give some words to you fearing for your lives?" Vados asked nicely.
"We're sorry, but we're busy trying not to get fried!" Sapphire said adjusting her robes. "Excuse us, please!"
Lapis formed her water wings and flew Sapphire away right as more bots were being destroyed by a familiar oracle with black hair.
"Mirai Yoshi? Care to give some words?" Vados asked as the camera turned to the oracle in battle.
"I can't…I…oh crap, they're nuking the planet!" Mirai said slashing through another as he looked up to see one of the heads of Tumblr forming a massive planet-destroying Supernova. "Kira! Grab the portal gun and let's go!"
The footage cut out as it happened to Caulifla and Kale. Kale looked sheepishly and Caulifla glared at Kale.
"Let's just move to politics…." Kale said trying to change the mood as Caulifla got up.
"I'm done. This year has been a shitshow, and I'm ending it before I hear one more disappointment." Caulifla said about to leave.
"There's a Mario Brothers movie coming out soon!" Kale said trying to get to stay.
"Which studio?" Caulifla asked.
"Illumination…." Kale said awkwardly.
"You're sleeping on the couch, Kale." Caulifla said leaving slamming the door behind her.
"Well, I guess that's a wrap."
The camera turned around to reveal Sharpner.
"On behalf of the Warper News Network, we wish you the best of Hanukkahs and the merriest of Christmases!" Sharpner said cheerfully as the footage cut out.
(A/N: And it's all wrapped up! 2018 is done for the year, and I'm happy I kept this up for so long. Thank you for following it and reviews! See you all next year!)