Isn't She Lovely

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. This is an AU story.

Chapter Two: Fragmented Data

The moment he walked through the door, she knew. It was plain in his face, the too-neutral expression, the eyes that showed nothing, not even the warmth that usually came into them when he saw her. "Oh, Data...again?"

He looked at her again with those expressionless eyes. "I had no choice."

"Data, you can't keep doing this to yourself." She sighed, sliding to one side of the couch and opening her arms to him. "Come here," she said, her voice much softer. "The longer you wait, the worse it's going to be."

"I know." He sat down next to her, bringing his head to her shoulder. "I am ready."

Tasha swallowed hard, bracing herself for what she knew was coming. "I'm right here."

A small twitch of his head, and then, all at once, he just crumbled. His head dropped from her shoulder to her lap as he sobbed uncontrollably, so hard he couldn't have spoken if he tried. Tasha rubbed his back with one hand, running the other through his hair, quickly losing the battle against her own tears. "It's okay. Let it out now. It's okay."

It seemed like an eternity before Data's helpless crying finally slowed. He sat up slowly, wiping his face with his sleeve. "I am...sorry."

She didn't comment on his apology. "How long this time?"

"Four hours, eighteen minutes, forty-seven seconds."

She heard his precise calculations, but after the first measurement, the rest seemed to become meaningless. "Four hours? Data!"

"I had no choice."

"Yes, you did. You just don't want to explore alternatives. And I let you handle this your way because I thought it would help you heal. But it's been three weeks since the first incident, and you're not getting any better. I mean it, Data. You can't keep doing this."

"What are you going to do?" he asked sharply. "Refuse to be available to me? It will change nothing."

"Of course not, Data," she replied, refusing to rise to the bait. "I'm always here for you, you know that. But I can't sit by and watch you do this to yourself anymore. You need to talk to the Captain, find an alternative. And if you don't talk to the Captain, I will. And that's not a threat I make lightly or often." Indeed, she thought, it was a threat she'd flat-out refused to make more than once. But this was different. "You're hurting yourself with this routine, Data, can't you see that? And if you won't help yourself...I have to."

xxxxxxxxx

"Come!"

Tasha swallowed hard as she walked into the ready room. What is it with me and this room lately? "Captain...I need to talk to you about something."

He took in her expression, the tone in her voice. "It's that serious?"

"It might be." She drew a deep breath, considering her next words. Despite his indignation, she hadn't expected her husband to actually test her ultimatum. But he had, and so here she was. "It's – it's about Data."

He could see that she was struggling to get the words out. "Take a moment. Sit down. Would you like something? Tea, perhaps?"

"No, thank you." Between nerves and the perpetual nausea from the pregnancy, her stomach was already churning. She did take the seat, a welcome offer. "I'm – I don't like having to do this, Captain, but I don't know what else to do."

He reached for her hand across his desk. "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

"The beginning. Right. Well – he's not handling B4s death as well as he makes it seem. He's in a lot of pain still, Captain. Much more than he wants anyone to know about."

"I know that. All of us who know him well can tell that he's not himself."

"I know you can. But what you don't know is – well, the day B4 died, he pretty much fell apart while he was helping Geordi in engineering."

"Understandable."

"I agree. But he doesn't. He was horribly embarrassed that he broke down like that in public, and furious with himself for not being able to hold it together until we were safe. And I'm afraid that my own breakdown on the Admiral's ship only compounded his feelings – specifically, the fact that it didn't happen until after we were off the Enterprise. For him, it only emphasizes the idea that he should have been able to wait." She shook her head slowly, sadly. "I tried to tell him that it wasn't the same, that he had a lot more pent-up emotion, that what happened with me was just a release of tension and that's why it happened when it did – but he still feels like he failed."

"So you're here because...you need me to tell him he didn't? I could try, but –"

"No, not exactly. I'm here because of what came next."

"And that would be...?"

She drew a deep breath to steady herself. "Captain, you need to know...what I'm about to tell you is something Data shared with me in absolute confidence, and breaking that confidence is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. If I thought there was any alternative, I wouldn't be here."

He could see the tears in her eyes, and he squeezed her hand, hoping the gesture would be comforting. "I understand. Go ahead."

"The thing is...Data's terrified of even the possibility having another breakdown on duty. He'd hate the idea even with our old bridge crew, and with all these new faces – he knows they don't quite have a handle on all little the ins and outs of his programming yet. Like any human, he's afraid to show weakness in front of people he's supposed to be commanding, but he's also afraid that it won't be read in the same way a human breakdown would, and as much as he's afraid of showing weakness, he's even more afraid that they might get the idea that it's a malfunction. He's afraid he'll lose their trust if they get the idea that his programming is erratic in some way." She paused, gripping Picard's hand tightly for support, knowing she was at the moment where she could no longer delay the inevitable. "He's decided that the only way to prevent problems is to – to shut down his emotion chip every time he feels close to the edge."

He processed for a moment. "This is the big problem? Data can function with his chip off, we both know that. It may not be the best coping mechanism, but I'm not sure it's as bad as –"

"You're wrong, Captain. It is that bad, and worse." Now that she'd begun, the words seemed to tumble out of her. "I don't know why, but this is different than all the times before. With this, it doesn't go away, not permanently. Turning off the chip gives him control in the moment, but he pays a terrible price for the delay. Instead of going away, the emotions intensify while the chip is deactivated." Her eyes were filling with tears again just at the memory. "It's brutal, Captain. By the time he's able to return to our quarters and turn the chip back on, the amount of emotion that's built up is more than anyone could be expected to bear. I'm not sure any human could bear it without losing his mind, and even with Data – even Data may have a breaking point. And if he does, he could be dangerously close to it."

"Merde," Picard whispered. A moment earlier, he had thought his Chief of Security might have been overreacting; now it was plain to him exactly why she was so desperate. "How often has this been happening?"

"Twelve incidents since we left spacedock. The last one was two days ago."

"Twelve times in under a month?" he repeated incredulously.

Tasha nodded, squeezing her eyes shut to try and hold back her tears. "At first, I went along with it because I thought it would help. I thought that if I supported him through it, I could get him to a point where it would no longer be necessary. I didn't realize that – that it would end up like this. That instead of helping him, every breakdown would take a little bit more out of him. When I realized, I tried to get him to stop, but he insists it's the only way." She was crying now, helpless to stop the tears. "I can't watch him torture himself like this anymore. After the last incident, I told him that if he didn't come and talk to you, I'd do it for him. I didn't want to, but if he won't listen to me, the only thing left is the chain of command."

Picard walked around from behind his desk to take Tasha in his arms, letting her sob into his shoulder. "It's all right. You did the right thing coming to me."

"He's going to be incensed at me for this," she whispered brokenly. "But I'd be even angrier at myself if I allowed this to go on."

"He'll forgive you," Picard said reassuringly. "Maybe not right away, but if I know Data at all, he'll eventually come to realize how bad of a state he was in. And when he does, he'll know why you did it, and he'll forgive you."

"I'm sorry, Captain," she said after a moment. "I guess I'm not really myself right now."

"It's all right. Even if it weren't for the baby, your tears would be understandable. It's hard to see someone you love in pain, and what you had to do today was no small thing. But it will be all right. I'll take care of Data now."

"Thank you, Captain."

"Now...would you like me to have you transported to your quarters?"

"What? Oh." She blushed a bit as she realized the state she must have been in. "No, Captain. I appreciate the offer, but I'm still on duty. Just let me clean up quickly, and I'll go back to my station."

"If you're sure – "

"I am."

"Very well." He stepped back from her, knowing that this was something she needed to do on her own. He stood by without speaking as she replicated a damp towel and wiped her face, and nodded a silent reply to her equally silent expression. It wasn't until she had left the room that he broke his silence, cuing up the comm. "Commander Data, report to the Captain's Ready Room."

xxxxxxxxx

Tasha glanced around the walls of her quarters again, resisting the urge to pace. She had known it was unlikely that Data would come home after his shift given what had happened, but somehow, actually facing the reality of that was far worse than anything she had expected.

The sound of the doorbell jarred her from her thoughts, and for a single, desperate moment, she hoped that it might be Data. But even as the thought occurred to her, she knew how unlikely it was. Data would have no reason to ring the bell instead of just walking in. "Yes, come in!"

As expected, her hopes were dashed as soon as the door opened. But she still smiled when she saw who was there. If it couldn't be Data – "Geordi! This is a surprise."

"I'm sorry to bother you."

"You're not," she assured him. "What can I do for you?"

"It's about Data."

The concerned expression on Geordi's face sent Tasha's heart racing. "What about him? Is he okay?"

"Well...that's what I wanted to talk to you about. The thing is, he came into Engineering a little while ago behaving very erratically, not making a lot of sense."

"Oh, God," she whispered, feeling the blood drain from her face."What...what was he doing?"

"Well..." Geordi hesitated.

And then it clicked. Not what I was afraid of, but almost as bad. "He said something about me, didn't he?"

"Yes," the engineer admitted. "He was ranting that you – well, that you betrayed him. Multiple times, in different turns of phrase, like I've never seen him. I left him in my office to run a self-diagnostic, and I came here to see if you had any idea what might be going on."

For what felt like the millionth time that day, Tasha felt tears spring to her eyes. Unable to look at Geordi anymore, to see his horribly misplaced certainty that Data had to be mistaken, she turned towards the window, staring out into space instead. "He's...not wrong. Not entirely."

She had expected Geordi to react in shock, maybe even anger. But the shake in her voice must have clued him in that the situation was anything but simple. "What happened? What did you do?"

She swallowed hard, trying not to cry. "I told the Captain something about Data. Something I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone."

"Why?"

"I can't – I can't explain everything. Not without doing the exact thing Data's angry about all over again. But...the short version is, Data needs help right now. Help he wasn't getting because he refuses to even admit he has a problem. I gave him every chance to do it himself. When he wouldn't..."

A pair of hands came to rest on her shoulders. "When he wouldn't, you went to the one person he has no choice but to listen to."

Astonished, she turned to face him. "You understand? I was sure you wouldn't."

"Of course I understand." He closed the small distance between them and wrapped her in his arms. "I dated you for three years, remember? I know what kind of person you are."

"And what kind of person is that?"

"The kind who would never break a promise unless the consequences of not doing so were too severe to contemplate. Am I on the right track so far?"

"Yes." She sniffed, trying not to cry. "I only hope it works. But even if it does, Data's going to need you. You're the only one who can support him now."

"And what about what his wife needs?" he asked gently.

"No, Geordi. I never wanted to drag you into the middle of this. Data needs you more than I do right now, and to expect you to support both of us, while we're fighting with each other? I could never ask that of you."

"You're not. I'm offering." He tightened his embrace. "Data may be my best friend, but as far as I'm concerned, you're second only to him...and not by much. If Data wants to be in a snit and not talk to you, that's his prerogative. But it doesn't mean I have to follow his lead."

"But -"

"No. Listen. If this had happened a couple of months ago, I might have done what you're suggesting. Focused on Data, and let you find someone else. But we both know who it would've been then."

"Deanna," she choked out. "Or Will."

"Exactly. So tell me, if I did what you suggest, who would you go to now?"

"I – I don't know." It was the only thing she could say. She and Beverly might be friends, but they weren't especially close. And the Captain...no, she needed to keep her distance from him just now. If Data was as irrational about all this as Geordi had suggested, he might take any conversation between his wife and the Captain as a sign of further betrayal, and that would complicate the Captain's efforts to help Data.

"That's what I thought. And that's why I'm not leaving you alone right now. I'm all you've got." He felt the hitch in her shoulders. "It's all right. Let go. I've got you."

It was those soft words that were her undoing. The next thing she knew, she was sobbing into Geordi's shoulder. He held her gently, rubbing her back, not saying a word. He knew nothing he could say would make a difference.

After a few minutes, she managed to stop her tears and lifted her head from his shoulder. "You should get back to Engineering. Data's probably wondering where you went."

"All right," he said. "But I'll check in on you later."

"Geordi?"

He stopped and turned just short of the door. "Yes."

"I know you've ruled out the malfunction you expected, but...you might want to run a systems check on Data anyway."

"Okay...what am I looking for?"

"I'm...well, I'm not sure. Signs of some kind of overload, maybe. But if you're asking me where to start...any system that interfaces with his emotional program."

"I understand." He paused for a second. "I think. I'll take a look."

xxxxxxxxx

"You have been gone for quite a while, Geordi," the android commented as the engineer walked back into his office.

"Sorry. My...checks took longer than I expected." He decided not to tell Data exactly what it was he'd been checking. "What have your self-diagnostics turned up?"

"My memory subroutines are functioning normally. There is no indication of a malfunction."

"I'd like to take a look, just to be sure. Humor me, Data," he added when it looked like his friend was going to protest. "I know your self-diagnostic system is usually all we need, but even you know it's missed things before. The activation of your dream program, for instance."

"All right, Geordi. Proceed."

For a few moments, they exchanged idle chatter as Geordi examined the wiring in Data's head. But then Geordi saw something that made him stop dead in the middle of a sentence. "My God, Data!"

The android turned towards Geordi, giving the engineer a perplexed and slightly frightened look. "Is something wrong?"

The engineer drew a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He hadn't intended to frighten his friend. "Nothing serious. I didn't mean to worry you. But what have you been doing with your emotion chip?"

"My chip?" he repeated. Then, to Geordi's surprise, Data's expression shifted from puzzlement to anger, and he abruptly got to his feet. "Who have you been talking to?"

"What? Data, what are you talking about?"

"Oh, very good. For a moment, I almost believed you. So, who was it? The Captain? Tasha? Did they convince you I'm on the verge of falling to pieces? Tell you to invent some complication to scare me?"

"Data, I don't know what you're talking about. Fine, if you must know, yes, I talked to your wife." He emphasized the last two words, trying to remind Data of a few more details of the situation. "But she didn't give me any details. The only thing I know is what I'm seeing with my own eyes. There's evidence of power surging in the circuits connected to your emotion chip. Right now, it's minor, but a more serious surge could cause permanent damage, even cascade failure."

The android sank back into the chair, eyes going wide. "You are serious about this."

"Yes, Data. Dead serious. But my God. If this is related to whatever happened between you and Tasha, then I'm glad she went over your head." He closed the panel carefully and stepped around Data, pulling another chair over and sitting to meet the android at eye level. "She didn't tell me any details. But she did say you need help. And based on what I've just seen, she's right. Data – we both know Tasha's no engineer. She wouldn't have noticed a power surge in and of itself. That tells me that either you told her – which, given your reaction, I think is unlikely – or there's something more going on, something with external manifestations. It's related to your emotion program, isn't it?"

For a moment, Data remained still, unresponsive. Then, just as Geordi was about to ask again, the android nodded very slightly. "Yes."

Geordi slowly reached out, watching his friend for any negative reaction. When none was forthcoming, he gently laid his hand on top of Data's. "What's going on, Data? Talk to me."

Data looked down at his lap, his eyes fixing on Geordi's hand where it lay over his own. It was a long moment before he spoke, and then only in a whisper. "It hurts, Geordi."

The engineer's fingers tightened slightly over his friend's pale hand. "What hurts, Data?"

The android looked up again, his golden eyes filled with pain and looking to be on the verge of tears. "I only knew him for two days...but he was my brother."

"B-4?" It wasn't really a question; the statement didn't fit any other scenario. "Of course it does, Data. We all know how much you loved him."

But Data only shook his head forcefully. "I cannot afford this. Not while I am working. I know that you would understand...Tasha...the Captain...but there are so many new officers, all looking to see what their first officer is, to use a colloquialism, made of."

"Data, you lost your brother," Geordi pointed out gently. "I doubt anyone would hold your grief against you."

Data shook his head again, this time almost sadly. "I cannot be certain of that. If I were human, then I would have no doubt of the truth of your statement. But as an android, I can never be certain how people will react when I express emotion."

Unfortunately, Geordi knew that was likely true. Data's status in the eyes of his fellow officers had risen by leaps and bounds since the days when his superiors had chosen to all but forget him in a records office, but there were still those who seemed uncertain of what to make of this android officer. He decided to let the statement stand and move on. "What about taking some leave time? God knows you have it to spare."

"The problem is similar. I do not wish toleave the Enterprise, and if I remained here but was not on duty, the same questions would arise. Before I came to the Enterprise, it was standard for me to work nearly every shift; it was only Captain Picard who insisted that I receive the standard allotment of time off-duty. There are still many who believe that because I do not physically require rest, that standard allotment is excessive, to say nothing of taking complete leave."

"Data –" He broke off, shaking his head. He would have liked to say Data was just being paranoid, but he couldn't be sure it was true. "So what have you been doing? Holding it all back? I suppose that could account for the damage, but I'd think Doctor Soong would have put in some kind of safeguard for that. He must have been aware that people aren't always free to express emotions when they feel them."

But Data was shaking his head. "I wish that I could do that. But I cannot, I do not know how. The last time I tried to suppress my emotions in this way, the result was –" He broke off, shuddering slightly.

Geordi reached his free hand out to clasp Data's shoulder, squeezing gently. "It wasn't your fault, Data. We should've realized you were hurting – I should've realized you were hurting, but instead all I saw was the obvious."

"It is not your fault, Geordi," he replied. "I did not want you to see. I did not want to reveal what had happened to me. I was so ashamed."

"I know. I remember." That was an understatement. That conversation was burned into his mind. That his friend had been so horribly used had been bad enough, but it had been when Data had told him that he had kept the secret out of shame that Geordi had lost his battle to keep the tears at bay. But even as he remembered the pain, something else occurred to him. "Data, you still haven't answered my question. What have you been doing?"

Data's eyes flickered to the side almost nervously. "I – I turn it off."

"Turn –" Geordi's eyes went wide. "Your chip? You turn your emotion chip off?"

Data nodded, now staring at the floor. "That is correct."

Geordi paused for a moment. He was getting closer, he had no doubt of that, but things still weren't quite clicking. Which meant... "Data, what aren't you telling me?"

"What?"

"I'm still missing something. A connection. I haven't missed a word you've said, so it has to be something you're leaving out. What is it, Data?" he pressed. "What's the missing piece?"

"I turn it off," he repeated. "But not indefinitely. Only until my shift is over. I turn it on when I return to my quarters."

Very close, now. He still couldn't define what he was looking for, but he was sure he knew where he'd find it."And when you turn it back on?"

"The first time, I thought that when I reactivated the chip, the pain would have subsided." His voice was nearly a whisper. "But it did not. Instead, it was worse. Much worse. As though it had continued to increase while the chip was deactivated, even though I could not feel it."

"And the other times?"

"The other times I knew what to expect."

"But it was still the same? Worse when you finally felt it?"

"The exact level of intensity varied based on the length of time between the deactivation and reactivation. Apart from that, yes."

"My God, Data." Geordi sighed audibly, running his hands over his face. He had no doubt that his friend's words were a massive understatement, and it broke his heart to think of how bad it must really be. "Data –"

"It has never happened before." There was a hint of defensiveness in his tone, but mostly he sounded confused and even scared now. "I have turned off my chip many times in situations where emotions might be detrimental, and I have never suffered ill effects. I believed the same thing would happen. I do not understand why the opposite occurred instead."

"I do," Geordi replied softly as the answer came to him. "Data, all of those situations, all of those emotions, were contained to a particular point in time. If you turn off your emotion chip to walk into a scary situation, and then turn it on when the situation is over, there's no reason for you to feel fear anymore. But the impetus for your grief isn't going anywhere. You're just putting it in the buffer. It's still there when you come back to it."

"But why should it be worse?"

"Well...I'd have to run some tests and simulations to be sure, but if I'm right, it has to do with how fast your brain processes information. You see, Data, when we lose someone...well, in the beginning, it's like everything reminds you of them. It was like that for me when I lost my mother. I could barely walk down the hallway without being reminded of her at least three times over. And every time it happens, you feel a tiny bit of grief. Not necessarily enough for it to show, but it's there."

"But if it is only a small amount –"

"I'm not finished yet," Geordi interrupted gently. "The thing with you, Data...your chip gives you the ability to experience human emotions, but that doesn't mean you feel nothing without it. You felt things in your own way long before you got it, and you do it now when the chip is off. You still miss B-4, don't you? Even without the chip?"

"Yes."

"So you'd still be collecting all those little reminders. You wouldn't feel the impact of them, but being you, you'd notice more than any of us would and you'd remember them all. At the same time, you're still thinking about how much you miss him. When you turn your chip back on, you feel not only what you were feeling the moment you turned it off, but also the emotional impact of all those little thoughts and moments. You're trying to process hours' worth of grief in the space of a few milliseconds. It's no wonder it's so painful."

"Yes, Geordi," the android said after a split-second pause that would have been unremarkable had it come from anyone else, but was more than a little noteworthy coming from him. "I suppose that does make sense."

Geordi reached forward and pulled his friend into a hug. "I'm sorry, Data. I know this isn't easy for you, and I know you don't necessarily have a great option here. But you have to stop doing what you've been doing. These surges of emotion are overloading your circuits. They are physically hurting you. There is no option worse than that."

"I did not realize -" Data whispered, his voice muffled by Geordi's shoulder. "I knew it was not ideal emotionally, but I was unaware that this sort of damage was possible."

"I know, Data." Geordi rubbed his friend's back lightly. "I know."

Okay...wow. I am really sorry about this. I thought I'd have it done months ago, then I just hit a wall with the last half of the last scene.

Check out the new cover image for this story! It's actually a shot from the TNG set of Brent and Denise kind of goofing around with a prop, and I know the uniforms are a tad out of date, but when I saw it I couldn't resist.

Please review!