Deep in the lands of Zaron, the humans of Kupa Keep struggle to stay alive as they are attacked by the wicked Drow Elves of Larnion. Darkness falls as the humans beg their King to save them. A noble King, known only as the Grand Wizard. For a thousand years, the battle has been waged, with only the bravery of the Grand Wizard to protect his human followers. But even though the Wizard King is so undeniably cool, the Drow Elf armies continue their attacks. They seek the human's most treasured relic – the Stick of Truth. But the tides of war are soon to change, as news of a 'new' kid spreads throughout the land. In order to save the humans, the Grand Wizard must get to the new kid before the Drow Elves can manipulate her mind and USE her, to take the sacred relic from human hands. Even though girls are lame, she is the one who can save us. For whomever controls the Stick…controls the universe…"

SOUTH PARK

THE QUEST

FOR THE

PRINCESS

The Grand Wizard Cartman and his faithful Paladin Butters watched from Kupa Keep as the new kids moved into the red house two doors down. The parents were boring, both in ordinary clothes with boring hairstyles and even more boring faces. Their kid, however, was not like her parents. She jumped out of their dark green car and sighed deeply. She had long pale blonde hair tied into a high ponytail, her bangs framed her pale face nicely and brought out the shine of her blue eyes. She wasn't nicely dressed and ordinary like her parents. She wore a large white hooded jumper and black jeans and shoes. Good, she wasn't a girly girl like the girls at school.

"She looks pretty!" Butters said cheerfully. He was happy to see a new face, even if it was a girl. Cartman told him girls were gross but she looked nice "we should invite her to play with us!"

Cartman turned to glare at him "are you fucking stupid Butters! We don't play with girls, they're gross and only wanna play with fucken Barbie dolls!" he shouted as the fairest maiden in all the lands, Princess Kenny, climbed up the ladder of the tower to see what they were shouting at.

He looked at the new kid who was watching her parents and movers boredly and smiled "mm hmm mmphmm mph."

Cartman turned to him "of course she's hot Kenny! That doesn't mean she can play with us!"

"But the prophecy my liege!" Butters cried out "it was prophesised that a new kid would come to save us from the Drow Elves!"

"Mmmhmm!" Kenny agreed. Whilst he was the most beautiful woman in all the land, the new kid was nice to look at.

Cartman growled and shook his head "fine! She can play with us, go get her Butters!" he shouted whilst climbing down the ladder.

"Of course my liege!" Butters replied happily as he followed his King down the ladder, he couldn't wait to play with the new kid! This was gonna be fun!

"Well, I think that's everything," the new father in South Park said in relief as he grabbed the last box.

The new mother nodded enthusiastically "we did it, hon, we're really moved in!" they embraced each other lovingly.

"It's a new beginning for us. Things are finally going to be good!"

The mother looked up their stairs with hope in her eyes "do you really think it will be better for…her?" she was worried, her husband could tell.

"They won't look for her here. We just need to make sure she doesn't attract any attention. Come on, let's see how she's doing" they walked upstairs and headed to the first door on the right.

The mother knocked whilst speaking "sweetie? Hon, you all dressed?" when they heard nothing they opened the door and peered inside.

"Hey, champ. How do you like your new room?" her father asked her.

She remained silent and stared at the bare room, the only thing in it was a single green sheeted bed and a black cat she called Shadow sleeping on top of it. You see, the new kid didn't like to talk, she saw no reason to use her voice. The silence was easier. She did like the room though, it was bigger than the last house they lived in. Her last room was a closet that they turned into a room. She felt like Harry Potter.

"I know it's a big change for all of us, but…princess, do you REMEMBER why we moved to this quiet little mountain town?" her father asked hesitantly, when he realized his daughter wasn't going to answer he leaned over to his wife and whispered, "she doesn't remember."

"She doesn't remember at all" his wife replied.

"That's good. That's good she doesn't remember" they leaned away from each other.

The mother clasped her hands in front of her chest "uh, sweetie, we want you to have lots of fun here. Why don't you go out and make some friends?"

"Right, get outside and PLAY, princess. Like…like normal kids."

"We've got some money for you on the kitchen counter, sweetie. Just….be back before it gets dark."

They were answered with more silence. Getting annoyed, her father rolled his eyes "yeah, we love you, too" they both stormed out. Sure they were used to her silence, doesn't mean they liked it. Their baby girl had the sweetest voice that they longed to hear again. The reason behind moving had caused so much stress on their little princess. They just wanted her to be happy, make friends, be a normal girl and grow up and get married and have as many children as she wants.

The new kid stood still for a moment, she didn't want to go outside, she just wanted to set up her tv and console and play games until she died. Was that too much to ask? Maybe going out and making friends will be fun, she's never had friends before. She and her parents have been on the run for so long that she could never make any long-lasting connections, not like she tried to. Now that she's able to settle down she could try to get some friends.

With that in mind, she traipsed downstairs and out the house once she grabbed the 2$ her mother left on the counter.

"Ah, help!" the new kid cocked her head to the side when she heard a little boy scream. Now curious, she turned to the right and saw a boy in an elf costume beating up a blonde haired boy with a wooden stick. She hurried to the elf boy and punched him in the back of his head. "Hey, no fair. That's cheating. I'm gonna tell my mom!" the elf shouted as he ran away. The new kid walked over to the blonde haired kid with a hammer and helped him to his feet.

The kid smiled at her "thanks, kid. I didn't realize he had a health potion" ah, so they were playing a game. If she was to guess it was probably a fantasy game. "my- my name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a Paladin. I live right next door to you! We should be friends!" well, that was a lot easier than she thought it would be. Then again, she had a special gift that made it impossibly easy to make friends. "The Wizard King asked me to come get you. He's been talking about your arrival! The Wizard lives this way. In the green house, over there" the new kid followed the cute Paladin silently as he led her to this Wizard King. "hey, where are you from?" he asked, he got nothing in reply but he didn't care "where did you live before moving here? Do you like Colorado?" the incessant questions came to an end when he knocked on the door to the green house. A fat boy in a Wizards costume was revealed once the door opened "all hail the Grand Wizard!" he cheered loudly, the new kid winced at his loud voice.

The fat boy looked at the hot chick up and down, "so, you are the new kid. Your coming was foretold by a Coldwell Banker. I am the Wizard King. But the time to talk is not nigh. Let me show you my kingdom" the new kid nodded and followed the fat boy through his house.

"Oh who's your new friend, Eric?" the fat boy's mom asked, she sounded like a sweet lady.

"Shut up mom, not now" that was rather rude, the new kid would never talk to her mom like that. Then again, she doesn't talk to her mom at all. They walked outside by the kitchen slide door and stared at the image before them. "welcome…to the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!" it wasn't the greatest kingdom, better than her backyard at least. It had a castle made out of cardboard and had a tent in the middle. Beside the tend was a…girl? The new kid couldn't tell. She was pretty though, a wig that looked like it was spun from gold sat on top of an orange parka that covered all but the kid's eyes. She wore a really nice looking dress that no doubt swayed in the wind. That must be a Princess.

Closer to a new kid was a stable with a cat and a kid with his tongue sticking out in it and a boy with a sword at an armory. There was also a rock of insanity but it looked like a normal rock and an above ground pool. Off to the side was a training area with training dummies. It was a nice backyard. Eric walked over to the armory and motioned to the boy with a helmet, blue cape, red shirt with scissors and grey pants. "Our weapon shop here is tended by Clyde, a level 14 warrior." Clyde waved to the new kid whilst Eric walked over to the other kid and cat. "Here you can see our massive stables. Overseen by the level 9 ranger Scott Malkinson, who has the power of diabetes." Oh, so that's why he had his tongue out. The fatty waddled over the beautiful dame. "And here, of course, is the breathtaking and lovely Princess Kenny. The fairest maiden in all the kingdom" he walked over to the new kid to muttered to her "don't ask why Kenny wanted to be a chick. It's just how he seems to be rolling right now…" they looked back over to the boy who was twirling a lock of his golden locks and staring flirtatiously at the new kid. The new kid smiled and winked back. She digged a boy who was comfortable and confident enough to dress as a chick and looked good doing so. She looked back at Eric when he began talking again "you have been sought out, new kid because humans everywhere are in great danger. I need something from you and in return, I am prepared to allow you into my kingdom even though you're a girl and we don't play with girls. But you're hot so it's kewl."

"Mph mph!" Kenny muttered angrily.

Cartman turned to the Princess "you're much prettier Kenny but she's a real girl, she can get more men to join our army!" he shouted back before turning to the new kid. "I know you are very excited. Its time for your first quest, but first – please tell us thy name." she merely blinked "you-you're not…are you mute?" she blinked "huh…ok, we'll just call you…Douchebag."

"M-my king, she's a girl. Girls can't be called D-douchebags" Butters protested.

"This kingdom believes in equality Butters, just like I call you a bitch, I will call the new kid Douchebag. Now, you will now choose a class" he pulled out four cards, each with a unique image "there is, Fighter, Mage, Thief, or Jew." Jew? I thought Jew was a religion, not a class. Or was that race, she had no idea. All she knew was that Jews controlled Hollywood.

She looked down at the cards, they all looked cool…except for the Jew class. After a short moment of silent deliberating she poked the thief card "huh…a white thief? Never heard of one, but interesting…you look sneaky enough to be a thief." Cartman smiled "we welcome you to our kingdom Douchebag the Thief!"

"Hooray!" Butters cheered as he jumped up and down.

"Now, please go and visit the weapons shop. Procure yourself a weapon and we shall teach you to fight!" she quickly got a wooden dagger and a black hooded cloak that went over the top of her white hood that she pulled over her head after she untied her ponytail. She looked like a low-level rogue that you see in the world of Warcraft game. She wished it was like WOW, in that game she bought every heirloom and upgraded it to 110 so she could wear them forever. She wanted to have really cool looking armor that would level up as she leveled. She didn't think Cartman would let her wear something like that unless she made it herself which she was too lazy to do, perhaps her mom would make her something.

"Ah! You have procured a weapon" Cartman said as he walked over to her and Clyde "Nice, it is now the time to teach you how to fight. I want you to take your new weapon, and, with the bravery of a noble knight…beat up Clyde."

"What?"

"Kick Clyde's ass, new kid."

"What did I do?" Clyde asked.

"I'm the KING, Clyde, and the King wishes to be amused. Go on, new kid, kick his ass."

They went to the jousting arena, which was just in the middle of the Kingdom, and faced each other. She saw how rogues fought in games so she would base her attacks off that. The King told her this was a turn-based system, meaning she would take a shot then Clyde would. The fight would end when one of the fighters fell unconscious.

South Park is a strange town, when Cartman told her to use her backslash ability, she actually did the backslash. What does that mean? Well, she disappeared into a grey smoke and reappeared behind Clyde. It was like their imaginations could manifest. The new kid didn't know what to think so she just rolled with it.

Soon the battle was done and Clyde was laying on the floor, bleeding and unable to fight "ha ha haaa! Dude that was awesome! You were all like BRAMMGMG! And Clyde was like AHGHG NOO! Ha ha aha!" the new kid ignored the Kings laughter and helped the warrior up, he thanked her and drank a potion which stopped his bleeding and healed all his wounds. He wasn't happy that he had been bested by the new kid who was a girl. "okay, okay. You've proved yourself worthy, Douchebag. Now, come inside the war tent and I shall let you see the relic." She nodded to Clyde and followed the fat King into the castle, ignoring the Princesses giggling.

Once inside, the new kid blinked at all the stuff crammed within. The throne was nice, it was an ordinary couch but had different gardening tools like a shovel and rake taped to the back of the couch so it looked like the Game of Thrones throne in Kings landing. "Well, here it is. The reason why humans and elves are locked in a never-ending war. The relic for which human and elf are willing to die for…The Stick of Truth." she looked at the pillar that held the famed relic…it was just a stick…and it wasn't a bedazzled or jeweled stick painted in gold or silver, it was just an ordinary…stick…what a letdown. "looks awesome, doesn't it? Just two days ago, we took the Stick back from the elves. Our kingdom was dying, but now it thrives. For whoever controls the Stick, controls the universe." He shielded his eyes and cried out loudly "don't gaze at it for too long! For its power is too much for mere mortals to look at!" he turned the new kid away "now that you have seen the Stick of Truth, let's discuss your duties. Being a member of my kingdom costs nine ninety give for the first week, four dollars of which is tax deductible-"

"ALARM! ALARM! ALARM!" they heard Butters shouting, Cartman's eyes widened.

"Someone has sounded the alarm!" Butters ran in, still shouting alarm "what is it?"

"The elves are attacking!" he cried fearfully.

"Oh my god! Defensive positions!" he shouted to his kingdom as he pulled the new kid outside "man the gate! Don't let them through!" it was too late, the elves were already upon them.

"Give us the Stick, humans!" the main elf shouted angrily.

"Fuck you, Drow elf! Come and get it!" Cartman shouted back. "CLYDE! GUARD THE STICK OF TRUTH WHILE WE DEFEND THE FORTRESS!"

"Aye Aye!" the warrior shouted as he ran into the castle.

"Aye Aye? We're not playing PIRATES, Clyde!" the fatty turned to the new kid "Douchebag, this is your chance to prove you are better than the girls of this Kingdom. HOLD OFF THESE ASSHOLE ELVES AT ALL COSTS!"

She nodded and joined the battle, it was rather easy. These elves were using simple attacks that did not hurt her. The elven archers were new but were easy to take down once they got rid of the melee elves. Sometimes she shot arrows from her own bow that Cartman gave her, she was a surprisingly good shot…the wonders of imagination.

She helped her fellow companions who were being overrun. Cartman stood still and laughed at her beating up the kids whilst Kenny giggled and cheered for her. She guessed in this world Princesses were not allowed to fight. Was she Cartman's daughter in this world or just a random Princess…who knows.

Cartman laughed evilly once the fight was done "YES! Awesome, dude! TAKE THAT, YOU ASSHOLE ELVES! Better luck next time! NA NA NA NAAAA NA! WE STILL CONTROL THE UNIVERSE! HA HA HA HA HAAAA HA!"

Clyde waddled up and frowned at the King "it's gone"

"What?"

"The Stick of Truth. The elves took it."

It was silent for a moment before Cartman exploded "THAT WAS YOUR ONE GOD DAMNED JOB CLYDE! TO GUARD THE STUCK OF FUCKING TRUTH!" he calmed down slightly but still looked mad "Clyde…you are hereby BANISHED FROM SPACE AND TIME!"

The warrior looked at his King in rage "what? NO! You can't do that!"

"Yes, I can! You're banished and lost in time and space!"

"Yeah, go home Clyde!" Butters cheered happily, he was just glad to be part of the group.

Clyde stormed off whilst Cartman turned to the new kid "you fought bravely on the battlefield, Douchebag."

The diabetic ranger nodded "yeah, this new kid may be a douchebag but she sure can fight!"

"Shut up, Scott, nobody cares what you think. Anyways, we have a bigger problem now! The Stick of Truth has been stolen and we must assemble our ENTIRE army in order to get it back."

Butter protested "but our three best warriors still haven't reported for duty, my King!"

"Our newest member can take care of that! Douchebag, I want you to go out into the neighborhood and find my greatest warriors. Token, Tweek, and Craig. I am texting their pictures to your personal inventory device now…" phone, he means phone "but beware…the lands outside are full of marauding Drow elves, monsters and sixth graders. Be sure you are well equipped. Now, go! And send my warriors here!"

"I will follow you Douchebag!" Butters cheered "my Paladin abilities will be valuable to your mission!" the new kid nodded and walked off, well, not before blowing a kiss to the fair maiden who giggled and blushed back.