...
...
...
Screw the Literature Club.
Screw the Festival...
I just... lost my best friend...
Someone I grew up with.
She's gone forever, now.
Nothing I do can bring her back.
This isn't some game where I can reset and try something different.
I had only one chance, and I wasn't careful enough.
And now I'll carry this guilt with me, until I die.
Nothing in my life is worth more than her's...
But I still couldn't do what she needed from me.
And now...
I can never take it back.
Never.
Never.
Never.
Never...
... Never... ... ... . . .
...
It's been a whole day, hasn't it? I don't really care...
Sitting there, in the same room as it happened in with her body having been removed by the cops from the home, I can't get myself to care.
They tried to move me.
They said they could help me.
No they can't... I'm no moron.
... No, I am... But I know they can't help me...
Nothing will ever be okay again...
Just sitting there in the corner of the room they failed to move me from, I probably have reddened, darkly circled eyes and half-dried tears all over my face. Tears. Sweat. Moisture. Whatever. I don't care...
I haven't bathed. I don't care.
I haven't slept. I don't care.
I haven't eaten. I don't care.
I haven't even gotten up to get some water... I just don't care.
Why should I care about anything like that... when she's no longer here?
My irreplaceable best friend... Gone...
She's gone forever.
... I've been looking at her favorite plushy for a while. The moo cow... I do care about that, I guess.
... I got this for her on the day of one of her birthdays, because she never gave up on a useless waste of space like me: the guy that needed to be pushed into getting into almost everything...
I can't believe I'm going to admit this, but she really was like my own personal ray of light...
... Now, there's just clouds.
...I think I finally realize what she meant by them, now... Maybe that means I'm sharing in what's left of her depression...
...?
I draw my left hand away from the plushy. A crumpled up piece of paper taped to the cutesy thing is what I see...
... The poem she wrote...? No, wait. It's not. I tossed that on my way out of the classroom trying to... reach her...
I turn the cow over in my hands and take the taped paper from it's back, letting it fall haphazardly onto it's front side afterwards.
... It's a poem I've never seen nor read before... Did she write this before she...?
My One, My Only
My one, my only.
He lit up my world, even when the clouds wouldn't let the sun in.
For me, he IS the sun.
My one, my only.
My head lies and my heart aches.
But my soul? She knows.
She knows more than anyone else what a beautiful person he is.
People tell me I can do better.
They tell me I'm wasting my time.
I know they're wrong, because my soul knows more than anyone.
My one, my only.
I know what's going to happen...
But as long as my one and only can be happy, then I'm not worried where I go.
I love my one and only.
My one. My only. My best friend.
[Player], turn it over.
My eyes widen ever so slightly at the last line.
"Sayori...?"
I quickly turn the sheet of paper over in my hand...
... Tears start to flow again at what I read as my sobs escape... I'm staining the page with tears...
Hey, [Player]!
I'm really sorry... I tried... I'm being selfish again and leaving for good, this time...
I know you said you love me, but... I don't think it'll ever be enough... I'm too selfish for my own good and someone like that isn't good enough to be with you... Not good enough to have such amazing friends... I'd rather you be happy with Natsuki... or Yuri... or...
You get it, right? Haha. I know. I'm really not good at this at all... Wow, I'm self-centered...
That really doesn't matter. I don't matter. The one who matters is you, like my poem said! ... I want to tell you to forget about me, but that's scary... I love being in your memories. See? There I am! And there! And there, too~!
... I'm being dumb...
Please don't stop reading, yet. I'll get to the point. See, you're the one I always thought was so cool to me. You didn't have any fear, you didn't worry about anything, you did what you wanted to. I could never live like that. I dreaded doing anything and everything, because I was so afraid. Afraid it would make the people around me look bad, afraid I wasn't good enough even when I thought I did a really good job and afraid I'd always feel... broken...
And I guess that's right... I am never gonna be okay. I don't know what to do or what's missing... It really just feels like something super heavy is crushing down on me and forcing me into a bed of nails... I know how messed up that sounds, but it's the truth... And it really... really hurts... I really didn't want to let it win, but... I'm just not the strong person you are...
So... I'm running out of room... I guess this is it... I can't think anymore. It's crowding all but you out... I'm so sorry... I love you so much... I never wanted to say goodbye to you like this... but I can't wait until school ends... It's killing me, already... I love you... I love you... I love you so much that it hurts... I love you, [Player]...
Goodbye...
... I'm a sobbing, wailing mess of tears at this point.
I hug the half soaked piece of paper in my arms so tight that it somewhat tears the side and crinckles it up...
"I-I...! I loved you, too! ... Say-y-..ori-hi! C-come b-ack...! Come baaaack! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa-a-aaah!"
I devolve into tears and scream as loud as my lungs could let me, sobbing brokenly as I curled up to myself in the corner...
Sayori's poem and letter had left me even worse.
At this point, what the hell is the use in going on...?
She left with everything.
Mind, heart and soul...
I was crushed...
...
A knock on the front door came later that day... It didn't matter...
Nothing matters anymore...
But then the knocks came again. This time, it's accompanied by a voice... Natsuki's...
"[Playerrrr]! ... A-are you still here?!"
Of course, she can't hear me crying. My throat is raw and my vocal cords are shot from all the screaming. It goes back to sitting there and staring at nothing, curled up like the pathetic whelp I am...
"[Playerrrr]? ... ... ... I-It's been a whole day, stu-...! I-I mean, are you okay in there?!"
I'm not about to try and answer. I have no reason to try...
"...Ugh... I-I'm coming in!"
True to her claim, not a second later, the door in the front can be heard creaking open, then shutting again soon after.
I hear shoes against the floor outside the room growing closer and closer... until they stop when I see a shadow right beneath the door frame out of the corner of my eye.
I don't react to it, nor do I react to the knocking on the door itself.
And then, she speaks.
"Uhm... [Player]...? [P-Player]! ... C-come on. I know you have to still be in there. I already checked your house... Aren'tcha gonna come out...?"
... There is no reason to respond. Even if I try, it won't be strong enough.
Still, involuntarily, I sniffle. My nose is running... It's gross, but would you be able to help yourself? I doubt it...
"... I-I'm coming in, like it or not! S-so... brace yourself, b-buddy!"
That was a sorry attempt. Doesn't matter. Why should it?
And why should I brace myself? I've already been introduced to my hell...
The door clicks as the knob turns, then slowly drifts open as a pair of nervous pink eyes peer cautiously inside. And then, the door swings all the way open, revealing the cute, pink-haired girl with red ribbon tied pig tails and bang. She's still wearing her school uniform. She hasn't gone home yet. She should have. Why bother with a loser like me...?
I don't even look at her and that seems to make her furrow her brows and frown, even as she isn't the most verbally delicate person... usually.
"[Player]... A-are you alright...?"
Her cautiousness causes her to step gingerly in her approach toward me, the gentle clacks of her shoes resounding off of the wood floor.
My eyes are totally bloodshot and the tears on my face have not been wiped. I couldn't look more miserable if I tried with this frown glued to my face. I'm pathetic...
She kneels down to me and notices that right off the bat. Who wouldn't?
"Y-your eyes are red... And... Mgh!"
She nearly falls over as her eyes grow wide. Pinching her nose, she looks even more worried than she did before.
"H-habe you bathed?! ... Have you eben mobed brom this sbot zince yetterday...?"
... I didn't even answer, barely even reacting as I fixed my curled position, then slowly blinked, looking off from her direction and at the wall.
She stopped plugging her nose. She probably sensed that her comments weren't helping, even if I was gross as she said at the moment.
"[Player]..."
She reached out to me and put a hand on my shoulder.
"C-come on, please. Say SOMETHING."
... I didn't see the point, but I opened my mouth and tried to make enough noise with the gutteral remains of my vocal cords.
"What do you want...?"
She almost gasped when I did, but she went right back to frowning when she heard the shell of a voice I had left.
"I-I... I came.. to check on you... Tomake sure that, you know... you're okay...?"
My eyes slowly moved to look at her...
"... ... ... I'll never be 'okay' ever again. You're better off letting me rot like I deserve to..."
That line made her half-way glare at me, shaking her head in denial.
"No! You don't deserve that, dummy- th-this isn't your fault!"
She gasped at her tone with wide eyes and a gaping mouth.
Immediately, the frown returned and she looked off from me.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap... I-I..."
Her eyes water up and she bites her lip.
That face... It makes me feel incredible pain and guilt.
I ended up looking away.
"I'm sorry... I'm really... not someone you should be around right now, Natsuki..."
She looked at me and shook her head before scooting in closer.
"Stop it. I don't care. I'm here right now because I want to help. "
Without thinking, my mouth talks for me.
"You're here because you were told to come here."
And she winced a bit, seeming stunned...
"H-huh?"
I look away and at the cow plushy on the floor.
"So, I'm right."
She quickly shakes her head and frowns.
"No! I-I was just taken by sur-"
"Don't lie to my face, please..."
She grows quiet for a moment...
That's all my head needs to think I'm right. And I know that I am.
"Monika sent you to check on me."
She bowed her head, closing her eyes...
"... I would have come even if she didn't..."
I shrugged strengthlessly.
"It's okay. I know. I'm not worth the time of someone as good as you..."
"SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT!"
*PAH!*
The action was so swift. A slap right to my face resounded through the room and left me with eyes wide.
I couldn't stop my hand from going up to my face and rubbing the reddening mark of a hand print across it. I touched a long, thin cut... and realized her nails had left a big scratch...
My thoughts were blank as I took my hand from my face and noticed the thin blood on my finger. It was my own...
I looked up at Natsuki, who had her teeth grit, her eyes shut tight and tears beginning to fall down her cheeks...
I didn't know what to feel. And then, she spoke.
"You stupid... I am not gonna let you sit there and throw that shit in my face! I came because I care! And it may have been her idea, but I told her I would go! Because I don't trust someone else to tell you what you need to hear!"
My surprise continued, but I just couldn't stop her in her speech.
"It sucks! This whole thing sucks! I miss my friend, god damnit! I miss her and I want her back, but she's not coming back! And having you blame yourself for it is even worse! How will that help, now? What would she think of you for being this little pathetic loser?!"
That makes me think of exactly what she would say, making it hurt even worse that I messed up twice.
She would have said, "Why are you killing yourself like this? Don't let me drag you down with me, please. That's not what I said I wanted!"
... This... isn't what she wants... but...
"What do I do, then...?"
I said that asking the one who isn't here anymore...
"Wake the hell up, for starters!"
... I slowly look up at Natsuki... before she throws herself onto me in a hug, leaving me gaping and stunned...
She's crying into my chest and this is possibly the tightest I've ever been hugged...
"You i-idiot! ... We're s-sti-ill here...! What the hell is w-wrong with you!? I-I do-don't know you as-s much as her, but... DAMNIT! She wanted you to join our stupid clu-ub!"
"She saw something in you- I-I saw it, too...! Don't you... DARE-RE! ... go away, too... I... I don't... have anyone else like you and the guys... And I-I'm so- *sniff*-so scared... If someone else goes- I might... I...!"
...
... I can't...
I can't let someone else suffer...
I can't let this happen again...
I'm being pathetic and I know it...
She's right... Waiting here for the release of a slow, painful death...?
What the hell will that do?
I can't be that selfish and hopeless...
I'm still alive. I still have friends.
I can't do that to them. I won't.
Gathering the most strength I could with what was left of my energy, I return Natsuki's hug as best I can.
My arms are still shaky and weak from sleep deprivation and nutritional deprivation. Couple that together with everything I felt before and right now and I was a massive wreck...
But this wreck still works... somehow.
"... I.. won't give up... I'm sorry for being so... absolutely pathetic..."
I felt the burning, still. The burning of my emotions trying to explode. If this is what depression feels like... screw it. I can take it... I'll take that punishment and get over it... eventually.
I could feel Natsuki quivering in my arms, but she was slowly calming. Her sobs weren't as hard.
"*sniff* ... I h-hope so... I'll hit you harder, if I find you like this again..."
I hate myself for what I let Sayori do all thanks to my non-existant memory and self-centered bullshit, but I couldn't let it destroy me and have someone I cared about curse me for being the hypocrite...
Here's my last attempt to be a decent human being. I plan to be good enough or better.
"*sniff* ... You really should... go bathe... You're really gross, right now..."
"... Right."
She slowly pulls herself from me and I allow her to slip from my grasp and stand up, wiping off her face...
She offers me a hand, which I take and allow to help me up onto my feet... My legs are a bit numb, but they work well enough.
Drying my own face of the mess of dry and wet tears, I take a deep breath or two and rub my eyes.
They feel like glass under my lids. I must look awful.
"... Please come to school, tomorrow. Everyone misses you. And I miss you, too..."
I open my eyes in my middle of my rubbing and stare at Natsuki's face.
She's blushing and seemed to be looking at me with only her eyes, face turned away. She almost looks angry, but I know she isn't used to being like this.
Taking my hand from my eyes, I nod...
"Alright..."
Thinking about things for a moment, I honestly wonder this aloud.
"I'm... really surprised you all care for the new guy so much when he messed up so bad and you just met him."
She shakes her head and sighs.
"I'm only gonna say it one more time. This isn't your fault. Don't MAKE me repeat myself again..."
"Right..."
Her cheeks flush before she speaks again, a pout on her face.
"I-I'm not leaving until you've had a bath and I see you eat and drink something. S-so get you're butt moving, already."
I nod... but thinking about where we are again makes me sweat at the idea of doing this here.
"I should... really do that at my own house, though."
She makes her usual "Gah!" as her eyes widen and her mouth gapes. And then, she takes an anime-ish approach to this and starts pushing and poking me out of the room.
"That's what I meant for you to do, dummy! Go! Get moving!"
I almost feel myself smiling at this reaction, doing as she says and walking the chalk back to my own house with her.
Still...
Why does this feel like...
Am I forgetting something...?
This bad feeling in the back of my head... Where's it coming from?
Hello, all you fantastic folks~!
Well! After I played up to the end of this game, I wrote this on a whim.
SPOILERS, but I wondered to myself how it would have gone if events continued to unfold after witnessing Sayori's suicide.
Obviously, I loved Sayori quite a bit. Writing a story where she is not killed and instead lives out her days happily with MC seems more likely from me, right? Well, if you know me, then you must know... that I like to make myself suffer! ... T-T
But no, really. I did this to follow the Act as best as I thought possible. Even though I don't want Sayori to die, that's what happened.
I don't know if I'll continue with this, but if the urge hits me, I'll definitely slam out another chapter! We'll see how this goes, yeah?
I hope I did well and made you feel for this... deplorable human being. -u-; Because we know he's a sh!t, at times. And yeah. There's cursing. Not earth shattering if you know the game.
Welp. I'm out!
-Edit: I have been hunting down any grammer/spelling errors that I failed to see. I think I got most of them, but please. Tell me if any survived the cleanse. :3