A/N: This story is a direct sequel to both Shattered Memberries and Dorito Elect, so read those first if you haven't already. Crystal Rick (getting finished next week, trying to figure out the ending) is an optional read.

I wanted to do something a little different with this one. While I was writing Dorito Elect, I realized I was really unhappy with how I handled the character arcs and whatnot, and now I see why. Every chapter sort of blended together because they were all basically about the same things. On top of that, in both Memberries AND Dorito, a lot of fun secondary characters didn't get any love because of the nature of the story. So THIS time, I decided to impose a little challenge on myself.

Every chapter of this story, while adding to an overall arc, is going to follow a different "theme". This'll allow me to get a little more creative with the individual conflicts, and it'll let me write for new characters more often. First up? Tweek and Craig.

Obviously.

The sun rose over the Colorado Rockies, signaling the dawn of a new day in the quiet little mountain town of South Park. A fresh blanket of snow coated the ground. Winter was fast-approaching—not that it mattered, as South Park was basically covered in snow all of the time. The children of South Park, predictably, were all getting ready for school.

Craig Tucker was South Park's resident homosexual child. His homosexuality was one of the purest beacons of light in all of Park County. Everyone told him so constantly. Everyone looked up to him because of his homosexuality.

Craig knew, however, that with great homosexuality comes great responsibility, and right now, his homosexual responsibility was to get ready for school so that he could get a good homosexual education. He was almost ready—his gay clothes were on, his gay hat was pulled tight over his messy gay black hair, and his gay boots were sitting by the door, ready for a gay day at school.

His similarly homosexual boyfriend Tweek Tweak was likely waiting outside for him. They liked to walk to school together. It made Tweek feel safe, especially with all of the distracted drivers in South Park. With that thought in mind, he slipped his boots on and opened the door, on the other side of which, as predicted, Tweek was standing, looking slightly more stressed out than usual.

"Hey babe, what's going on?" Craig asked, his voice flat and emotionless as usual.

Tweek twitched. "Nngh! C-can I talk to you inside for a minute?"

"Sure, come on in," Craig replied, opening the door wide for his boyfriend. "What's up?"

Tweek entered the house and sighed. He remained silent for a minute. "I think somebody's following me."

Craig raised his eyebrows. "You're being followed?"

"There's this woman," Tweek explained, "kind of tall, wears a dress—totally barefoot. I've never seen her in town before."

"And you think she's stalking you."

"I know it sounds like I'm being paranoid," Tweek said, "but I saw her like nineteen times on the way to your house! It's stressing me out, man!"

Craig held out his hand. "Well, now you're with me. So if she's stalking you, she'll stop, if she knows what's good for her."

Tweek glanced down at Craig's hand, then back up at Craig's face, and closed his eyes. That did manage to calm him down a bit. Smiling slightly, he held Craig's hand. "Thanks, Craig."

"Now come on, we're gonna be late."

"Right."

Hand in hand, Tweek and Craig left Craig's house and started on their way to school. Immediately, Tweek's blood pressure shot up. "AGH!" he yelled.

"What? What is it?" Craig asked, shooting Tweek a concerned stare. Tweek pointed across the street, and Craig followed his gaze.

"That's her!" Tweek said in a hushed tone, pointing at a woman on the other end of the road, standing just in front of Heidi Turner's house. She was tall, wore a long flowing dress, was barefoot, and… had blue skin and hair.

"Well, that's new," Craig said dully. She was just… staring at them. "What the hell does she want?"

"I don't know!"

Suddenly, a car drove by, obscuring her from their view. When it passed, she was gone.

Craig glared and rolled his eyes. "Oh, great, she's the mysterious type."

"Nng!" Tweek twitched. "Are you shitting me right now?! What if she's a crazy psychopath who chops children up and steals their underwear to get off?!"

"Calm down, Tweek," Craig said reassuringly. "All we have to do is get to school and everything will be okay. But we can't do that if we're freaking out about it. Okay?"

"Right. Okay. Alright." Tweek and Craig continued on their way to school. As they passed Bebe Stevens' house, they once again saw the mysterious woman.

"God damn it," Craig muttered. "Just ignore her, Tweek, she's going to get bored of this eventually."

"O-okay."

Tweek and Craig moved a little faster now. They saw the woman a few more times—behind buildings, in crowds, hiding in trees—but largely ignored her. Tweek was starting to panic.

"Nngh! This is freaking me out, man!" Tweek yelled. He started running as he saw the woman yet again.

"Tweek. Tweek! Hold on!" Craig yelled, running after his boyfriend. They ran and ran, encountering the woman several more times, Tweek getting more and more freaked out with each encounter. They ran between houses, around people, through backyards. Finally, they made it to South Park Elementary—and she was waiting for them.

"AGH! Christ!" Tweek yelled as he skidded to a halt just before bumping into the mysterious lady. Craig ran in front of Tweek, short on breath and glaring at the lady.

"What's your fuckin' problem, lady?!" Craig yelled, suddenly losing his cool. "You've been following my boyfriend all morning, and you're starting to piss me off! If you're not gonna fuck off, then at LEAST tell me what your deal is!" he shouted. "Huh?! Spit it out! What do you want?!"

The woman was silent for a moment, her blank expression unmoving. Suddenly, she raised her eyebrows and spoke up. "I need relationship advice."

This caught Craig off-guard. "What?"

"A friend and I had a fight, and I took our barn and ran away to space, and I don't know if it was the right thing to do."

"You want relationship advice."

"She doesn't know I'm back on Earth yet," the woman sighed. "I wanted to make sure I knew EXACTLY what to do before I did it, so I've been wandering the planet, trying to find the humans most qualified to help. You and this kid seem to have it all figured out, so I thought you could help me."

Craig stared at the woman, his stare now becoming blank. Without saying another word, he grabbed Tweek's hand and led him into the school. The woman blinked.

"Kid? Hello?" Tweek and Craig ignored her. "Are you going to help me or not?" Still ignoring her, Tweek and Craig entered the school. "We aren't done talking, are we?" The woman glanced around as other kids poured into the school. One kid with a nasally voice approached her.

"Why is your hair blue? That's dumb," he said, before entering the building.

The entire student body of South Park Elementary gathered into the gym for an assembly that had been called by PC Principal and Vice Principal Strong Woman. Tweek and Craig sat down together near Jimmy Valmer and Token Black.

"Alright everyone, listen up," PC Principal said as everyone got settled in. "This week, South Park Elementary will be hosting a fundraiser for the Jerome McElroy Memorial Foundation, a non-profit charity organization which recruits world-class chefs to cook Christmas dinners for those who otherwise can't afford to enjoy the holidays, Kenny."

Kenny McCormick raised an eyebrow and glared at PC Principal.

"Here to explain a little more about this foundation, and how it will help Kenny's family, is Vice Principal Strong Woman." PC Principal stepped back and allowed Strong Woman to take the stage.

"Alright everyone, listen up," she addressed the student body. "The Jerome McElroy Foundation was created in part to honor the memory of the school's former Chef, whose tragic and untimely death left a mark on all who knew him. Chef believed that no child should go hungry, and always made sure that Kenny had a meal at lunch time, even when he couldn't afford it."

Kenny continued to glare at PC Principal and Strong Woman while they inadvertently ragged on him for being poor. Cartman wouldn't let him hear the end of it.

Tweek raised his eyebrows. "Hey, Craig. Did we get a new teacher or something?"

Craig looked at where Tweek was looking. "What? I don't see what you're—"

The blue woman was standing on the other side of the gymnasium, staring.

Craig glared. "God, damn it!"

"We all need to work together to—Craig you shut your fuckin' mouth!" PC Principal shouted, glaring at Tweek and Craig. "If we're having a fucking issue I will remove you from this gymnasium!"

"Fuck you, dude!" Craig yelled back. "There's a strange woman in the building and she's freaking everyone out, maybe you should remove HER from the gym!"

PC Principal turned around to look at where Craig was pointing—but the woman was gone. He turned back around, now unbelievably pissed off. "Do you think this is funny?!"

"No, it's—" Craig let out a frustrated sigh. "She's gone now."

"That is a SERIOUS subject, not something to be joked about!" PC Principal lectured. "How would you like to go to the counselor's office?!"

"How would you like to suck my balls?"

"What did you say?!"

Craig stood up. "Oh, hold on, I'm sorry."

"What are you doing?" Tweek asked nervously as his boyfriend marched down the steps and walked towards PC Principal.

"What I meant to say was…" Craig began once he reached PC Principal. "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, PC PRINCIPAL?!" he shouted at the top of his lungs, totally losing control of his emotions.

Eric Cartman watched the scene unfold. "Wow. Dude, overkill much?"

Tweek and Craig sat in Mr. Mackey's office. Mackey glared at the two children, and although Craig had regained his usually stoic demeanor, he was still really pissed off. Mackey could tell. He's been dealing with Craig since the boy was in the third grade.

"What the hell was that, m'kay?" Mackey asked. "Why did you get up in front of all of your peers and ask PC Principal if he wanted to, m'kay, fellatiate your testicles?"

Craig sighed. "Well, Mr. Mackey, it wasn't an actual proposition, if that's what you're asking."

"Do you think this is funny? Do you two think, m'kay, that just because you're gay, you can tell tall tales and disrespect the faculty?"

"It wasn't a tall tale!" Tweek defended. "There really was a strange woman in the gymnasium!" He held Craig's hand as he told Mackey what he saw. "She was tall, and she had blue hair, and blue skin, and she wore a blue dress and was barefoot!"

"M'kay, and you expect me to believe that a six foot Smurf is walking around the school?" Mackey asked. "How dumb do you think I am?"

"Well, Mr. Mackey, she wasn't exactly six feet, I think she was actually five-nine or something," Craig corrected.

Tweek shook his head. "No way, dude, she was, like, five-eleven, at least."

"She was shorter than PC Principal, we know that much."

"But how tall is PC Principal?"

"Now I have heard enough of these stories!" Mr. Mackey interrupted. He glared between Tweek and Craig. What he didn't notice, however, was that the blue woman had returned. Tweek started to freak out once he saw that she was standing outside the window. "Do you two want to become the little gay boys who cried wolf? Because that's what you'll be if you keep this up, m'kay!"

"Nngh! Mr. Mackey!" Tweek tried to direct Mackey's attention to the window.

"Now I want you two to head on back to class and quit being so disruptive!" Mackey dismissed. "If I see you two in here again, I'll have to call your parents, m'kay?"

"Mr. Mackey, if you would just look out the window—" Craig tried to warn Mr. Mackey, but he wasn't having it.

"That is enough!" he scolded. "There isn't a predatory Smurf roaming the school!" Mackey glanced out the window. The woman was gone. "I don't want to hear another word about this, m'kay?"

"But—"

"M'kay?!"

Tweek and Craig stared at each other and sighed. "M'kay, Mr. Mackey," they said in unison, before standing up and leaving.

"This is bullshit," Craig muttered. "Mr. Mackey is such an asshole."

"Nngh!" Tweek twitched. "What if that woman keeps coming after us?!"

"Okay, great, we're alone," the woman said, having suddenly shown up at Tweek's side.

"AGH!" he shouted, jumping back and staring up at her. "Jesus! Leave us alone!"

"I think we got off on the wrong foot," the woman apologized. "My name is Lapis Lazuli. You have to help me."

"Nope. Not getting involved," Craig said. "Come on, Tweek, let's go."

"Please, I don't—I don't know how I'm going to face my friend!" Lapis Lazuli begged. "I don't know what to say to her. What she's going to say to me. What if I've hurt her so bad she refuses to talk to me?"

"Not our problem." Tweek and Craig approached their classrooms, where they unfortunately had to separate. "I'll see you at lunch, okay babe?" Craig said, trying to ignore Lapis Lazuli.

"Okay. See you then," Tweek replied. He entered Mr. Bart's fourth grade classroom, while Craig entered Ms. Nelson's.

Lapis stared at the rooms for a bit, before glaring. "Rats!"

The kid from earlier approached her. "Your hair's still blue, that's still dumb." He walked into Mr. Bart's classroom as well.

Eventually, lunch time arrived, and several of South Park Elementary's boys sat down together and ate their meals. Kenny glared at his packed lunch while Eric Cartman made fun of him.

"Hey everyone, look," Cartman pointed out. "Kenny brought lunch from home because he's too poor to afford school food." Cartman reached into the pathetic brown paper bag that Kenny called a lunch box and pulled out a ham sandwich. "This is all that's in it," he said. "Just two pieces of bread and some ham. What, your family couldn't afford cheese, Kenny?" Cartman then noticed how unusually long the bag was. "Kenny, this bag looks like it came from the liquor store on Fuller Street. Did you pack your lunch with your dad's beer bags, Kenny?"

Stan Marsh just stared at Cartman. "Cartman, you're on the reduced price meal program."

Cartman glanced down at his food, then up at Stan. "No, see, that's because I have special dietary needs because of my blood sugar."

"Uh huh. Okay."

Craig and Tweek approached the table with their lunches and sat down. "Hey guys," Craig greeted.

Stan ate a stale french fry and raised an eyebrow. "Hey, Craig. Tweek. What the hell was that about earlier?"

Craig rolled his eyes. "PC Principal's an asshole, that's what that was about."

"We saw this blue lady in the gym today!" Tweek exclaimed. "She's been following us all day. Didn't you guys see her?"

"Honestly, I just kind of tune these assemblies out now," Stan replied. "All I saw was you and PC Principal get into a screaming match."

"Look, it's behind us now, so let's just..." Craig trailed off as his eyes drifted to the cafeteria entrance. A very bored look came over his face.

Lapis was back.

Tweek groaned and put his face in his arms. "Not again," he muttered, his voice muffled.

"Doesn't this school have any security?" Craig asked nobody in particular.

Lapis walked over to the lunch table. "Hello there, children."

The kids all stared at her.

"How's it going?"

"Bad," Craig replied.

"Why bad?"

"Because you won't leave us alone." Craig crossed his arms. "See guys? This is exactly what I'm talking about. She keeps following us around and asking for relationship advice. What kind of advice am I supposed to give her? I'm NINE."

"Don't be ridiculous," Lapis dismissed. "You're way shorter than nine feet."

Craig shot Lapis a half-lidded glare. "Can't you just go away?"

"But I NEED your help!"

Stan raised an eyebrow. "Hey, wait a second, haven't I seen you before?"

Butters Stotch smiled and waved. "Oh, heya, Lapis!"

"You guys know her?" Tweek asked.

"Sure we do!" Butters responded. "She helped us save the world one time! Everyone remember that?"

Stan snapped his fingers. "Oh, yeah! That's right, that was when Beach City was overrun by Member Berries and monsters, or something. Remember that one, guys?"

Jimmy Valmer shook his head. "I d-don't remember that one very much."

"No, you weren't there, Jimmy," Stan dismissed. "But Craig, you were… oh, wait, you weren't there."

"It was just us, dude," Cartman corrected. "You, me, Kenny, Butters, and—"

Kyle Broflovski finally arrived with his lunch. "Hey guys!" he greeted. Suddenly, everyone adopted a bored stare, like they didn't want to be talking to him.

"Oh, hey Kyle, what's going on?" Stan said, not making eye contact with Kyle.

Kyle noticed immediately that everybody seemed upset with him. "Uh… what are you guys up to?"

"Nothing, just talking to Lapis Lazuli," Stan said, giving an impatient sigh. Kyle looked up at Lapis, who waved.

"Okay, well… I just got the new Wolfenstein DLC. You guys wanna… come to my house and play it later?"

"A game about nuclear war?" Stan asked, glaring. "Really Kyle, you think that's appropriate right now?"

Kyle rolled his eyes. "Ugh." He left to go sit somewhere else. After he was gone for a moment, Stan looked back at everyone else.

"Nobody talk to him, okay? We're still pissed off at him."

"What did he do?" Lapis asked.

"He got the President to nuke Canada."

"Oh, I don't care about that." Lapis returned her attention to Tweek and Craig and sat down at the table. "So like I was saying, I need relationship advice—"

"Why are you sitting down?" Craig asked. "Why is she sitting down, guys?"

"We don't HAVE advice for you!" Tweek said, pulling on his hair. "Just go away, go bother somebody else!"

Craig stood up. "Lady, you need to go."

"But I—"

"Look, you want some advice?" Craig asked. "Here's our advice. Ask somebody else. SURELY there's somebody in South Park more qualified than US to help you."

Lapis glanced at Stan. "Stan?"

"Nope. Not touching that one with a ten-foot pole."

"Seriously, ask anyone, ANYONE else," Craig commanded. "Tweek and I aren't the only ones in a relationship. THEY'LL be able to help you."

Lapis wrote that piece of advice down in a notepad. "'Ask… somebody… else…'" She clicked her pen and smiled. "Alright, thanks guys!" Satisfied, Lapis left the building.

"Thank god that's over with," Craig muttered.

Tweek finally started to eat his food. "I hope she gets the help she needs."

"Oh, she'll be fine."

As soon as she set foot outside South Park Elementary, Lapis began her epic quest… to get relationship advice. The first door she knocked on was answered by a man she'd learned went by the name Mr. Slave.

"Hi there, Mr… uh, Slave," she greeted. "I need relationship advice and I'm going around town asking people. Can I come in?"

"Sure!" Mr. Slave allowed Lapis to enter. "You came to the right place. Big Gay Al and I have been married for twelve years, now!"

"Oh, great!" Lapis said. Craig was right. She DID find someone more qualified.

"Al, we have company! Jesus Christ."

The man who Lapis assumed to be Big Gay Al entered the living room. "Company? I haven't had time to tidy up, you big silly!" Big Gay Al sat down next to Mr. Slave and held out a hand. "Nice to meet you, Miss…?"

"Lapis Lazuli," Lapis said, shaking Big Gay Al's hand. "How are you today?"

"I'm super, thanks for asking!"

"Lapis Lazuli here wants relationship advice," Mr. Slave explained.

Lapis nodded, and explained her situation. Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave listened intently. When she finished her story, Mr. Slave nodded as well.

"Oh, Jesus, that really is quite the story," he said. "You know, Lapis, being in a relationship is a 50/50 deal."

"Really?"

"Absolutely, silly!" Big Gay Al agreed. "It sounds to me like you both hurt each other a lot. If you really want to make it work, you both have to put work into it, okay?"

"Yeah, that makes sense," Lapis said, writing the advice down. "So, now I have a question for Mr. Slave."

"Lay it on me."

"So I heard this rumor," Lapis began, "that you used to know the President. What caused that relationship to end?"

Mr. Slave's eyes widened. "Ooh, Jesus Christ," he muttered. "Listen, sister, you don't really want to go there."

"Why not?"

"Mr. Garrison is another animal entirely," Mr. Slave explained, now no longer making eye contact with Lapis. "Trust me, what I had with him, you do NOT want with this girl. I didn't even vote for him."

Lapis blinked. "Huh. When Peridot ran for Mayor, I didn't vote for her, either…" she muttered, thinking back to her friend's Mayoral campaign several months ago.

"Maybe that's a sign," Mr. Slave said. "I-I'm not touching that with a fifteen-foot pole."

"Well, I also didn't vote, period, because at the time I wasn't a citizen."

Big Gay Al sighed. "I'm sorry. Mr. Garrison is still a sore subject in this house."

"I understand. You two have been a big help, regardless." Lapis again shook their hands and stood up to leave.

"Lapis?" Big Gay Al said as Lapis raised her hand to the doorknob. She turned around. "Don't forget. If you both want to make it work, it will."

Lapis nodded. "Thank you." With that, she left, and crossed "Big Gay Al & Mr. Slave" off of her list of South Park residents to ask. "Alright, Lapis," she muttered to herself. "Time to get acquainted with the townspeople." Pen and paper in hand, she marched off to ask everyone in town. If her adventures were, say, sequenced into a montage for TV, she imagined the montage would have been set to "Queen of Hearts" by Juice Newton.

Lapis met with several different South Park residents. First, she visited Randy and Sharon Marsh. Sharon told her that even if your partner is a little more "eccentric" than most, you can still make it work if you try hard enough, which seemed to directly conflict with Al and Slave's advice that a relationship is 50/50.

Next, she met with Bebe Stevens' mom, who told her that she needed to rely on her looks act like a total whore so she could marry a rich guy. Lapis was confused, because she wasn't in a fight with Greg right now.

Also, she didn't think she was that pretty in the first place.

Next, she visited the Donovans. Roger explained that, before his wife died, they agreed to stay married because they didn't want to traumatize their son, Clyde, with a divorce. When Lapis asked how Betsy died, he said Clyde did it. This, of course, brought Lapis to the conclusion that Clyde was only half human, like Steven, and that his mother gave up her physical form to create him.

She went back to South Park Elementary, where she and PC Principal discussed the importance of affirmative consent. He then handed her a sample consent form, and told her she could photocopy it to use whenever she needed consent from a partner to "crush puss".

She visited so many South Park parents. The Stotches told her to just ignore her problems altogether. The Broflovskis told her to respect her partner's privacy. The Testaburgers seemed like the most 'normal' couple in South Park, besides Mr. Slave and Big Gay Al, but even they were unhelpful. Eventually, Lapis managed to acquire an old video tape of South Park Elementary's former Chef, and found that he, too, had an interesting posthumous bit of advice.

"I'm gonna make love to you woman," Chef sang. "Gonna lay you down by the fire. And caress your womanly body, make ya moan and perspire."

"'Make her moan and perspire…'" Lapis muttered as she wrote in her notebook. "...what does that mean?"

Finally, Lapis had visited everyone in South Park, with one exception. Now that school was out, the kids were all at home, so Lapis rang the doorbell of the Turner residence, where a little fourth-grade girl opened the door.

"Hi, are you Heidi Turner?" Lapis asked the little girl, who wore a cute little pink hat.

"I am. And you are?"

"I'm Lapis Lazuli," Lapis responded. "I've been going around South Park asking for relationship advice."

Heidi raised her eyebrows. "And you think I'd be able to help? I just got out of a bad relationship."

"You did?"

"Yeah, with Eric Cartman," Heidi explained. "What did you want to know?"

"Well, see, I had a falling out with a friend," Lapis explained. "I was afraid that our home planet was going to attack, so I wanted to leave Earth. But she decided to stay behind."

"So she didn't respect your feelings," Heidi said flatly.

"...well, I think that's an oversimplification of the—"

"Dump her."

"...what?"

Heidi closed her eyes. "If the relationship isn't working right now, it'll never work. You might as well save yourself the heartache and just let it go. I had to learn that the hard way."

"That seems… a bit extreme."

"If you'd dated Eric Cartman, you'd be an extremist, too."

"Okay, well, Peridot isn't like that—"

"Does she have a hair-trigger temper?" Heidi asked.

"Well, yeah, but—"

"Does she have a superiority complex?"

"Sometimes, but that's because—"

"Is she racist?"

"No, she's not—" Oh, wait, Lapis remembered. Pearl. "She's a little racist."

"She's like Eric Cartman," Heidi concluded. "Glad I could settle this for you. Goodbye." She began to close the door, but Lapis held it open.

"You don't understand," Lapis said. "I think I—"

"You think you love her?" Heidi scoffed. "Yeah. I loved Eric Cartman, too. Doesn't mean he wasn't a toxic influence, and that doesn't mean she's actually what's best for you."

"Do you still love him?"

Heidi raised her eyebrows and glanced around. "I'm not touching that with a twenty-foot pole," she said quickly as she closed the door.

Lapis blinked. "Sheesh, THAT kid has some issues."

Tweak Bros. Coffee was bustling with customers, as it often was. School was over, and that meant Tweek had to be put to work to make sure his family's business wouldn't go under. Fortunately, these days he had help.

"Thanks for helping me out today, Craig," Tweek said, smiling. "Big Donut's about to open a franchise in Shi Tpa Town, so my parents are having me work twice as hard to keep up with the competition."

"It's no problem at all, Tweek," Craig said dully. He really did enjoy helping Tweek with his problems, even if his tone didn't really convey it. He knew Tweek knew that. "I'm going to go outside and see how many customers you guys are getting, okay? Stay right here and try not to stress out too much."

"Got it."

Craig peeked outside and surveyed the crowd. A lot of people needed coffee in the afternoon, it seemed. "Jesus Christ, that's a lot of people. We've got a lot of—son of a bitch."

"What?"

"She's here."

Lapis Lazuli had entered Tweak Bros. Coffee, and she didn't look very happy. She marched up to Mr. Tweak.

"Good afternoon," he said. "Welcome to Tweak Bros. Coffee. Our coffee is all freshly brewed and—"

"Are Tweek and Craig here?" Lapis interrupted.

"Why sure, they're in the back," Mr. Tweak answered. "I see no problem in enclosing you in a small room with two nine year-olds, as you don't look like a priest, so I'll just show you to them."

"God damn it!" Craig yelled. "Your asshole dad is ratting us out."

"Aw, what does she want NOW?!" Tweek complained. He slammed his apron down angrily and marched over to the door, where he was greeted by Lapis Lazuli. "What?! We told you to go away, what the hell do you want?!"

"You told me that I could get help from ANYBODY in town besides you," Lapis moaned, "so I spoke to EVERYONE in South Park."

"Jesus, everyone?" Craig asked. "We thought you'd give up after, like, three of them."

"Well, I didn't, and all they did was make me even less sure of myself!" Lapis complained. "So I'm back to you. You're the ONLY ones who haven't given me advice."

"We don't WANT to give you advice!" Tweek yelled. "Jesus Christ, don't you ever quit? Dad! DAD!"

Mr. Tweak entered the room. "What is it, Tweek?"

"This lady's a psycho bitch!" Tweek yelled. "She's been following Craig and I around all day! I think she's a child molestor or something."

"Don't be ridiculous, Tweek," Mr. Tweak dismissed. "She's not even a priest, let alone a child molestor."

"I don't know what he's talking about," Lapis argued.

"See? She doesn't even know what a child molestor IS," Mr. Tweak explained. "If she says so, it must be true. Why would a child molestor lie about being a child molestor? Innocent until proven guilty, Tweek."

Tweek stopped twitching and simply glared at his father.

"Now I want you to stop making things up about strangers," Mr. Tweak continued. "You don't want to be like the little gay boy who cried wolf, do you?"

"I'm not CRYING WOLF!" Tweek yelled. "This woman is a stalker! Nngh!" he marched past his father and exited the room. Craig looked on in concern and followed.

"Tweek. Tweek, wait!"

Craig exited Tweak Bros. Coffee and looked around for his boyfriend. He saw Tweek walking down the street, in the direction of the movie theater, although he continued past it. Craig followed.

"Tweek, hold on! You need to calm down!"

"I CAN'T calm down, Craig!" Tweek said, turning around and yelling. "As long as Lapis Lazuli keeps bugging us, I just CAN'T calm down!" He turned back and crossed the road.

Lapis left the coffee shop. She looked around for Tweek and Craig, and saw Tweek crossing the road. Just ahead…

A man and his wife were driving down the road. The woman was looking at Twitter on her phone. "Oh boy, the President's been tweeting again," she muttered.

"Let me see!" her husband yelled excitedly, taking his eyes completely off of the road to read the tweet.

Those beady-eyes igloo-dwellers don't scare me. Justin Trudeau probably does coke like the mayor of Toronto did. Blame Canada!

The woman looked up briefly, and her eyes widened. "INNOCENT CHILD!" she shouted.

Tweek looked up and saw the car approach him. He barely had time to react—that car was going to kill him in less than a second and there was nowhere to run. He didn't even have time to register it as a threat—just something he saw.

"TWEEK!" Craig yelled, horrified. Suddenly, he saw a flash of blue—something had flown past him, quick. Tweek was pulled away from the street, just before the car collided with his face.

"AGH!" he yelled. "Jesus Christ, what's going on?!" He rolled into the snow nearby, and realized that he was being held. He looked up.

Lapis Lazuli was cradling him protectively, looking back down at him. "Are you okay?" she asked, a look of genuine concern in her eyes.

Tweek started to calm down. He looked across the road. Craig looked so relieved—he looked like he was trying to hide tears by wiping them away. He looked over at the car that nearly hit him. His would-be killers had braked, hard, and stepped out of the car.

"Kid!" the man yelled. "Kid, are you okay?!"

"Y-yeah…" Tweek muttered. He looked back up at Lapis. "Thanks…"

Upon verifying Tweek was okay, Lapis put him down and stood back up. Craig crossed the street and approached them.

"Tweek." He said, a tinge of fear in his usually flat voice. "Don't ever scare me like that again. Are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine, Craig," Tweek said, standing up. "Thanks to…"

Lapis was starting to walk away. Where was she going? Craig yelled after her. "Hey! Lapis Lazuli!"

"I'm sorry for bothering you," Lapis muttered without turning around. "That seems to be what I'm good at. You don't have to tell me again. I'm leaving now."

"Wait!" Craig yelled. "Hold on. I have something to say to you."

Lapis turned around slightly as Craig approached her. "What?"

"Thank you for saving Tweek," Craig said. "If I'd lost him, I don't know what I'd do."

"You don't sound sincere."

"I don't do sincere-sounding. I'm Craig. But I AM thankful." Tweek approached Craig's side, and they held hands. "Tweek's one of the only people in South Park I feel like I can trust. He's the only one I care about."

"Huh. Sounds familiar," Lapis muttered. "Anyway. Later."

"Wait, I'm not done," Craig said. "We can't help you with your relationship problems. But it's not because we don't want to. The truth is, nobody can help you."

"So I'm blown?" Lapis asked.

"No, you aren't blown," Craig argued. "The reason nobody can help you is because… We can't handle your relationship dramas FOR you," he explained. "That's up to you, and the other girl. Every relationship is different, and what works for us might not work for you, because you're a different person than Tweek or I. It's up to YOU to learn how to deal with it, because at the end of the day, your experiences are what will help you become a better person—not hearing about other people's experiences.

"Everyone in South Park has a different story going on, and only THEY can influence those stories. The same thing applies to you. Does that make sense?" Craig asked.

Lapis thought about it for a bit. That DID make sense. All this time, she was relying on other people to help her, but she never even tried to help herself. Craig was wrong on one front, though. He claimed that nobody could help her but herself. That was wrong. Tweek and Craig DID help her, just now—not in the way she'd asked or expected, but in the way she needed.

Lapis smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Craig. And thank you, Tweek. You've given me a lot to think about."

"So are you going to go back to her?" Tweek asked.

"...no. I know now that I need to help myself… But I don't know HOW to help myself, yet." Lapis pondered for a moment before shaking her head. "I'll figure it out, somehow. But until then, I can't face her." Despite her bleak words, Lapis continued to smile. "But I will eventually, thanks to you. Goodbye, Tweek and Craig. I need to be off, now."

"I hope you can work things out," Tweek said, smiling. "Good luck, Lapis Lazuli."

Lapis flared her water wings, which surprised Tweek and Craig. She turned around one more time, smiled, waved, and flew off. Tweek and Craig stared up at the sky, trying to process what the hell just happened.

"Dude, what the fuck?" Craig muttered.

"Did you know she could fly? I didn't know she could fly," Tweek said.

"Fuck this," Craig said, shaking his head. "Let's just go play the new Wolfenstein DLC."