Hyrule Castle loomed ominously over the entire land of Hyrule. In every direction from it for several miles there was no sign of civilization: only destruction from the guardians. People all throughout the World of Breath of the Wild were completely unaware of the new, particularly impotent threat that had just moved into the Castle.

"Uggggh…"

Jim Sterling slammed his several thousand dollar gaming PC onto Zelda's desk, sending journals and papers clattering to the door. The room had almost been completely cleared of the Breath of the Wild's Princess belongings and replaced with Jim's own. A large row of foot long dildos lined the wall, within hand's reach from his bed, where he regularly sat and masturbated as he argued with gamers online about social justice.

"What a boring open world." Jim said to himself, chuckling, as he booted up his computer. "It would be a shame if… someone were to let everyone know that."

Truly, I wish I could say I understood what all the critics were raving about in their onslaught of 10/10 reviews, but I don't. I see too many things getting in the way of the brilliance, too much repetitive busywork and full-on dick moves for me to say this is even close to my favorite Zelda game, much less in the top five.

Close, but no Triforce.

Jim smiled to himself as his eyes roamed over his unopened copy of Breath of the Wild and onto another unopened game in a blue box.

"Soon, my sweet…." He purred, as he reached forward and stroked soon. "Soon people will know the name Aloy…"

The computer on his desk began to beep. Jim turned back to it and pressed a button. The face of the head of Playstation. If you don't know or care about who that is, don't worry. No one else does either.

"Oh…"

Jim pushed himself back and kneeled at the ground. He bent his head awkwardly.

"What is thy bidding, Master?"

"Mr. Sterling." The voice boomed out from the speakers. "I trust that your people are doing everything they can."

Jim nodded.

"Good." The man said slowly. "The Nintendo NX cannot be allowed to become successful. The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild must fail."

"My female friend Laura Kate Dale has been promoting every fake Nintendo leak in existence." Jim said. "We have promised the Nintendo fanboys the moon and beyond. When they do not get what they are expecting, they will once again riot… and Nintendo will continue to decay."

"Nintendo cannot be allowed to continue making consoles." The talking head boomed. "They must fail. By any means necessary."

Jim Sterling bowed his head.

"It will be done, my Master…"

…

"WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO?"

Zelda was panicking. She had not gone so long without Link since she had met him, and was finding herself in a bit of a crisis. Having no one to fondle during important military meetings and no one to satisfy her urges, Zelda found herself staying up entire nights, trying to calm down her increasingly jittery nerves with fresh brewed tea and particularly raunchy romance novels.

However, despite her increasingly poor mood, the war was escalating. The Gerudo had betrayed them and run them out into the desert. Ganondorf had, she had realized, wanted Link for himself and had only entertained her to try to get at him. Now she and her Warriors were staving off Gerudo Raiders in between bouts with Cia.

"FUCK."

Impa bent her head hopelessly as Lana's eyes perked up. Despite her personal feelings towards Link's departure, she took great pleasure in hearing that bitch Zelda suffer.

Morale was at an all time low: None of the women of the Army could bring themselves to really defend themselves against the endless onslaught. Things were looking grim, and the loss of Link was taking its toll.

"FUCK." Malon moaned, as she flopped on top of her cow. "I want Link so badly right now…"

"I know!" Midna exclaimed, outraged. "Where the fuck is he?"

Impa turned back to Zelda, her eyes narrowed. In spite of her own primal longings, she knew that this could continue no longer. "Princess, if you do not pull yourself together soon, you and everyone else will die."

"Better dead than going on without Link." Zelda said darkly, she she raised a bottle of Chateau Romani to her lips. Impa glowered at her.

"Princess-"

"Zeeeeelda-"

Impa stiffened as a familiar green figure pushed into the tent. Young Linkle blinked owlishly as she stared at the increasingly drunk Zelda.

"Wow, you look terrible." She commented. "Has anyone seen Link? I want to see his sword."

Zelda looked up at her with red eyes. "His Sword?" She repeated, swaying a little. "You mean his-"

Impa intervened before things escalated. "Now is not a good time, Linkle." She said smoothly, as she wrapped her arm around her. "Link isn't here right now, and Zelda misses him, so-"

"Link's gone?" Linkle repeated, her mouth falling open. "What-"

Impa led her out of the tent, shaking her head. "Try not to panic." She said, already having a vague feeling that this was going to end very, very badly. "He'll be back soon, until then you will be provided with smutty romance novels and homoerotic fanfiction written by teenage girls-"

"But where is Link?" Linkle asked, bemused, as they came to a stop beside a girl crying into a discarded, bright green hat. "I don't-"

"We're not sure." Impa told her quickly. "But he will return soon. I'm sure we will see him soon enough…"

The words had barely even left her mouth before she was struck with an idea.

"Fuck off bitch, he's mine!"

The hat girl cried out in pain and fear as Impa viciously lashed out with a kick, sending her sprawling. She scrambled back, desperately trying to claw for the hat, before Impa reached down for her.

Impa hissed at her, like a cat. The girl hissed back, and then turned tail and left.

"What-"

Impa quickly reached down and picked up the hat and held it before Linkle.

"Until Link's return we will need a new hero to stand by Zelda's side." Impa said quickly, in a rush. "Legends speak of a hero garbed in green… they never specified gender, so…. I suppose you will do. For now."

She reached down and tugged the hat onto Linkle's head.

"H-hey…" Linkle complained. "You're saying that I'm the…. Hero?"

"Yes, yes." Impa said quickly. "You are the legendary hero of Hyrule. Your princess needs you, Linkle. Now go!"

"Okay." Linkle said, extremely pleased as she adjusted the hat and walked off. So it had finally happened. She had finally been accepted as the Hero her Grandmother had always told her she could be! Her heart was soaring as she made her way back to Zelda.

She barely registered the longing, predatory glances that were shot her way as she walked through the camp. Completely oblivious, she stepped back into Zelda's tent and saluted.

"Linkle, Hero of Hyrule reporting for duty!"

…

Link…

Open your eyes…

No thanks. Link thought to himself as he sat back, enjoying the warm feeling of the grass and sun on his skin. Everything was so nice and peaceful here…

Link…

Open your eyes…

Who was bothering him? Zelda usually scared off anyone that came near him while he was exhausted. And if he was in danger his instincts would have kicked in.

I am Zelda, you stupid idiot!

Link's eyes fluttered open to face the bright blue sky.

"No you aren't." He said, blinking owlishly.

There was a very awkward pause.

Who the fuck are you?

"I could ask you the same question."

Hang on, let me project my image…

Suddenly a burst of light surrounded his vision, and suddenly he was looking down on the image of a young, blonde haired girl staring down at him.

"You're not Link!"

"You're not Zelda!"

There was a very awkward pause.

"This can't be right." Not Zelda murmured to herself, as she turned around to face the horizon. "My calculations indicated that I would only be able to communicate with Link following the Calamity…"

"I am Link." Link told her plainly, but firmly. "Who are you?"

"I'm Zelda, the Princess of Hyrule."

"No you aren't." Link told her. "That white, pasty skin…that baby face… your slumping, nerdy posture… you look like Zelda."

"Why I never-"

"And you're pretty fat too." Link went on, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "And kind of annoying…"

"I am not annoying!" Not Zelda reprimanded him. "And I am very much the Princess of this great land!"

Link looked around the field, his eyes narrowed. "This isn't Hyrule." He commented. It looked far too…. Open.

"Yes it is!" The girl insisted, as she pressed himself closer to him. Link pulled away- he could sense a strong sense of revulsion towards her that he did not normally feel towards young women. "This is… or was… the land of Hyrule."

"Was?"

Zelda nodded, bobbing her head. "The Calamity has claimed this entire land." She said, her voice gloomy. "I, being the Princess, have been locked in with this century long struggle holding back the Calamity from the rest of the world while my Hero, Link, is resurrected."

Link scratched his cheek, thinking deeply. "Hero Link….?" He repeated. "I'm a Hero named Link…"

Zelda stared at him. "You do somewhat resemble him." She admitted. "But you are not quite the same." She looked him up and down, and flushed. "Um, you seem quite a bit… cooler."

Her expression hardened. "Who are you?" She demanded. "Tell me your name." She paused. "Not that I care, or anything."

Oh Gods… she was one of THEM.

"I'm Link." He told her, calmly. "I was fighting a man named Jim Sterling who seems to have brought me here."

"Jim Sterling?"

Zelda wrinkled her nose in disgust. The mere mention of Jim Sterling's name seemed to bother people who had never even heard of him. Link nodded.

"Yeah, he's a feminist-"

"What's that?"

"They're people who think everyone should be like the Gerudo and shun men while not being able to figure out why they can't maintain a functional society or relationship."

"So he's really stupid then." Zelda murmured. "And he sounds dangerous…" She flickered for a moment, her eyes narrowed. "I will search the land for him."

There was a very brief moment of silence.

"THE FAT FUCK MOVED INTO MY ROOM!" She screeched, outraged. Link fell backward, alarmed. "He better not have read my diary…!"

She glared down at Link, her gaze hardened.

"The man is disgracing my beloved Castle was we speak." She sniffed. "Link, Hero of Hyrule, I have a mission of the utmost importance for you. I want you go down there and kick his ass out."

Link got to his feet. "You didn't have to tell me twice." He drawled. "I would have done that anyway-"

"And don't you dare read my diary!" Zelda screeched at him, as she floated after him as he walked away. "I-"

Zelda paused, disappearing entirely. She found herself back to the place where she was restraining the Calamity.

It had become particularly unruly during her absence, and was trying in vain to break free.

"AFTER TEN THOUSAND YEARS I'M FREE. It is TIME TO CONQUER HYRULE-"

Zelda rolled her eyes as she gave the beast another bolt of light, which sent it cowing backward. She was still fuming… the image of Jim Sterling fucking around HER room was still engraved into her very skull.

…

"The Nintendo NX is shaping up to be a disappointment."

Jim Sterling sat, particularly smugly, on his throne. He was sitting among a circle of notable game journalists, each of which was sitting upon a throne of their own. The Ivory Tower of IGN loomed above the clouds themselves- Independent journalists such as Sterling and his other cohorts often rallied here in order to discuss their future endeavors.

"The Playstation 4 has proven itself to be the most successful gaming console of all time." Colin Moriarty was saying. "Until the next Playstation comes out, anyway."

He chuckled. The others soon followed suit.

"The Nintendo NX cannot possibly compete." Colin Moriarty continued. "Nintendo and its franchises are old, worn out, and tired. They cannot compete with the masterpieces that are produced by Playstation and all of its partners."

"It will be nothing more than another underpowered home console. It will sell less units than the Wii U, and… hopefully… lead Nintendo to bankruptcy." Michael Pachter chuckled.

Jim Sterling nodded, biting his lip. He could not wait to go home and masturbate to the thought of Nintendo being doomed. And going by the looks of the other soyboys surrounding the table, he was not the only one.

Nintendo had long been the primary obstacle when it came to game journalists being taken seriously by writers in other fields. Gaming was still seen by the homophobic masses as being primarily for children. Most did not appreciate the nuances and depth of projects like Gone Home, Undertale, or The Last of Us.

"The Wii U was a massive failure." Pachter was saying. "And the 3DS is not far behind. Cell phones have destroyed the handheld market. It will not longer be able to support Nintendo's failing console business."

He smirked.

"The only thing that could possibly save them now is the release of the next Zelda game."

The group broke out into laughter. Zelda had been a joke for years. Ever since Majora's Mask came out and failed to recapture the Ocarina audience, the series had faced a clear decline in popularity. Only a scant few manchildren who had never played any other games in their entire lives still cared about the series.

"Once Zelda fails to sell NX, Nintendo WILL go third party."

The cheers were deafening.

It was up to these brave few to kill Nintendo for good.

"Sterling."

Sterling looked up.

"It will be up to you and your people to control the narrative regarding the NX. Zelda seems to be the only game that is launching on the console for that first year. It should be a simple matter for you to destroy this new platform… no matter what it is."

Jim Sterling smirked.

"My people have been working night and day." He claimed. "Everything about the console will be leaked to the public before Nintendo can make an official announcement. No matter how they spin their new gimmick, the Nintendo NX will be a failure before it even is announced."

"Nintendo's consoles have lost all of their credibility at this point." Colin interrupted. "The only thing left is to destroy the last few relevant Nintendo IPs."

"Mario, The Legend of Zelda… Pokemon." Jim said, nodding. "Well, just Mario and Pokemon at this point. I think the gaming community has realized that titles like Dark Souls, Skyrim, Dragon's Dogma, and especially the Witcher 3 are far better games than any Zelda game that has ever been released."

He shuddered as his mind drifted to his beloved Bloodborne, his all time favorite video game. He imagined himself at home, caressing the case of the game as he stared at its Metacritic score of 92.

"Not only that…" Colin said, as he reached under the table. "There is a similar open world game that will blow Breath of the Wild out of the water.

He set the game on the counter and Jim Sterling could feel his heart start to race.

"You could say." Colin smirked, as his hand traced over the PS4 game case. "That the death of Nintendo is on the Horizon."

…

Link signed as he turned around, staring across the vast expanse of fields in front of him.

"Where the hell do I go?"

He was completely lost. This Hyrule was far bigger and more expansive than his own. Gorgeous green hills surrounded destroyed architecture in every direction. There was no one to ask for directions, no one to ask for help. He could not simply approach someone, press A and be told what to do.

It was strangely liberating. Link thought to himself as he walked through the fields, taking in his surroundings. He had been doing nothing but fighting and sleeping around for so long, he had almost forgotten how much he loved his land of Hyrule. This Zelda may have been a spaz, but the land itself seemed very nice. He wondered what the current situation here was. It certainly seemed a lot more peaceful than his Hyrule…

"Uh, Link 2.0?"

He groaned. It was the Tsundere Zelda again.

"Yeah?"

"I, uh, really have my hands tied here. My Hero is still asleep and I can't really guide you."

"Okay."

"I, uh, certainly COULD help you though." Zelda said quicky. "If you could come rescue me, that is."

She sounded almost suggestive. Link almost rolled her eyes. Kids.

"But Link 2.0, I need to tell you something. You're not the only one that Jim Sterling has brought here."

"Not the only one?" Link repeated, wrinkling his nose. "What do-"

"Greetings, Zelda!"

Link looked up, surprised, at the figure standing on the rocks behind him, before anxiously looking around her to the area around them.

"Zelda?" He repeated blankly. "Where?"

"I'm talking to you, Zelda!" The woman barked, as she raised her bow. "I have come to destroy you, to prove that women are superior to men!"

"Say what now?" Zelda's voice was more confused than Link had ever heard.

"You see Zelda." The figure said, as she slowly slid down the rocks towards them. "My name is Aloy. I am the newest star in the Playstation line-up, and I have come to put you in your place."

She nocked the arrow to the bow and stared him down hungrily. Link stared back, almost completely nonplussed.

"You see Zelda." Aloy said. "You cannot match the processing power of the Playstation 4 Pro. You cannot match the visual fidelity that Guerilla Games has put into my Playstation Exclusive release. You are not realistic, and therefore not even worth talking about among gaming audiences."

"What is she even talking about?"

"I will defeat you." Aloy promised, as she pointed the bow straight at him. "And show everyone that there is a place for female protagonists in video games!"

Link turned and walked past her. She stared at him incredously before skittering down the mountain after him.

"Turn back and fight you coward!"

"Which way to the Castle?" Link asked blankly, as he stared across at the Horizon. Behind him Aloy swung the handle of her bow at the back of his head. He stepped forward, causing it to come whizzing harmlessly past the back of her head.

"For Playstation!"

She leapt at him, teeth bared, and stumbled, pressing her hand against his back for balance. Link turned and offered her his hand. She punched it and stood up straight.

"Fight me like a man, Zelda-"

He pushed her away with his hand and she went stumbling backward with a cry.

"Hey, how dare you hit a woman!" She cried out, as she leapt to her feet.

Link turned to face her blankly. "I'm sorry, didn't you want to fight?"

"I want to BEAT you." Aloy stressed. "Just stand still and let me peg you with arrows."

She raised her bow and drew the string again, pointing it right at Link's face. Link stared at the tip of the arrow an inch away from his face. Aloy smiled as she released the bow string. The string twanged with force- and the arrow shot right past Link's face into the country behind him.

"Are you done?"

"I have more arrows." Aloy snapped, as she fumbled around with her bag. "I'm a strong female protagonist in video games, I know what I'm doing."

"Clearly." Link said dryly, as he turned back around. "Do you know where Jim Sterling is?"

Aloy chuckled. "Master is sitting in his castle, watching cuckold porn." She said. "Of course I know where he is."

"In MY ROOM!" Zelda screamed at him from inside his head.

"Alright, point me in the right direction."

"Never!"

She got into a fighting stance. "You die here, child!"

"I don't think so." Link said casually,

She clutched her hand into a fist as he walked away. "Get back here you- you- you-"

She cried out in rage as she flopped down on her back, completely worn out.

"He's powerful." She murmured to herself angrily, as she checked her weapons. "I will need to level up if I wish to defeat him…"

She pulled out a Playstation Vita and logged onto the Playstation Store. She scrolled through the page, looking for DLC that would give her free experience points as Link walked away from her, not even considering her a threat.

…

"Aloy needs more power." Colin boomed. "What can we do?"

"Why don't we call her the best female protagonist in video games this year?" Jim suggested. "I'm sure that will work to keep her relevant.

"Hm." Colin said. "Come to think of it, I think Aloy might be the best female video game protagonist in history."

…

"Raaaaaaah!"

Aloy gave a jolt in shock and awe as the face of Anita Sarkeesian appeared in her mind's eye. She couldn't just give up here! She was a female video game protagonist! If she lost to a dirty male, that would discredit her entire sex!

"I must defeat men raaaaaaaah!"

She thrust her arms outward.

"I am the greatest female video game character in history!" She cried out. "No man can challenge me!"

"No Man you say?"

Aloy turned around to come face to face with Samus Aran.

"Who are-"

Samus raised the Arm Cannon and smashed it against Aloy's face. She went sprawling into the ground as Samus stepped over her, and removed her helmet.

Aloy gasped in shock and aww as the beautiful Samus Aran stared down at her dispassionately.

"There can be only one!"

Aloy screamed.

…

"The PS4 is the best selling video game console of all time." Colin Moriarty was saying smugly into a microphone. "There is nothing that this Nintendo NX could do to possibly compete with it."

"Uh, Colin?"

"What?"

"Uh, The Nintendo NX has a name now… it's the Nintendo Switch."

"Ha ha ha." Colin said. "The Nintendo Switch? Like, Switch that shit off?" He chuckled at his own joke.

"Its already outsold the Playstation Vita."

He immediately stopped laughing.

"What?"

He stood up and slammed his hands on the table. "But the Switch has no games!" He barked. "Completely unlike the Playstation Vita!"

"It has also outpaced the PS4 sales along the same stretch of time, and is well on its way to way to outselling the PS4 as a whole."

Colin felt his heart seize up.

"No…" He whispered, unable to believe his words. "That's not true… that's IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

…

A/N

This chapter took way too long to put out, and is super super outdated as a result. Does anyone even remember Horizon? Back when I was planning this chapter, people were all up in arms about how Horizon was ''''superior''' to Zelda in every conceivable way. It was a joke. Almost as bad was the talk among game journalists trying to downplay the success of the Switch. Colin Moriarty will STILL do so on twitter. Loser.

Be sure to review.