-Redemption-
There was nothing.
Only the pitch black darkness.
And the dreadful silence that surrounds me in this moment.
Is this the end? I thought to myself.
This doesn't feel like the end.
.
A flickering beat of a heart, a silent whisper from a gust of wind, and a man who was now pondering on his foolish actions…
No.
It wasn't.
And my eyes opened to see the heavy truth hanging, right in front of my face.
I wasn't dead…
And now that sad truth is weighing me down like anvil on my head. With the sheer size of it all, it pushed way all my thoughts that came to mind, only to make room for countless more question, giving me a headache, and a small heartache in the process too. So with a lengthy sigh, I gave out all of my frustrations into one single line.
"God dammit..."
So how did I live you ask?
The answer even surprised me until this very day.
As looking downwards to the gun, still firmly placed in my hand, I can't help but to gave shocking look, but also I can't seem to hold in a small chuckle from escaping my lips. As even how ironic as it looks…
The hammer was jammed half way through.
The silver bulk was choked on the way, as it nearly reached the bronze bullet. It's spring was filled with blacken powder, an evidence of one too many shots fired from before without proper cleaning; and it was fuel for gags for a very lucky bastard, who is now laughing like a crazed maniac on his seat.
I've searched the answers before.
And now, my call was answered!
I continued to laugh, I couldn't stop myself. I laugh at it all, on how the heck did I just survived it all, on how close I was before.. before!
"Before actually putting a bullet through my head…"
And that single statement made me laughed even harder.
It was clear. My time was not up yet.
And it was a miracle so, that I was still here. Laughing away it all.
My lungs are now desperately trying to gasps for air, I nearly choked myself half way through. But whatever I did, I couldn't seem to stop the fit of laughter from escaping my mouth.
"God dammit!" I screeched and slammed my fist on the desk. It rocked the five shells out of their place, and clings and clangs, as they feel down the floor.
"Damm it all!" I screamed in joy.
Thinking back how all of this just happened. Thinking how close I was to nearly kissing death on its lips. I was lucky as hell. I thought to myself.
And it looks like God has other plans for me then. Came my conclusion.
That thought made me smile. A smile I haven't gotten in weeks now.
Am I happy?
Maybe.
But screw it all.
And so I threw away the gun, back to its drawer where it belonged. With a slam to it, I sealed the thing up, away from the world. Away with its lie, and away from its call from death.
.
.
.
Even with my escape from death, it doesn't really help me to be any more comfortable, as the following days still dragged on rather slowly, however. There was something that was still weighing heavy on my head. And I knew exactly what it was.
But the question remains, it was clear as day; as it weaved itself into my mind and it was nagging my patience ever since.
Am I ready to deal with it?
Am I ready to confront it all?
.
I gulped down a knot on my throat at those thoughts...
.
What's even more ironic about the whole thing, was that the answer to my question lays in plain sight right in front of me. Taking it's form in a beautiful maiden's shape.
There was no mistake for those mysterious green eyes, there was also no mistake for that beautiful slim body, and… What the hell am I even thinking right now? Looks like my head was still messed up, but I don't really care.
All I care right now, was the person who is now standing right in front of me in these halls.
There stood the same Emmanuelle Pichon… The very person who I was trying to avoid for days now; And It seems that she is interested in doing the same to me.
Yet with all of my efforts on trying to do so, there was always this lingering guilt that rammed itself in the back of my head, followed by the sinking stones in my stomach every time I do.
I've been running for so long now.
That was a fact, and not a statement.
After all of it, it was time to face the real war, one that was stirring inside me for so, so long now. I needed relief. I needed these nightmares to end for good.
And there was only one way of ending it.
So I made my advance to her.
My legs seem to have moved on its own somehow, seemingly eager with the idea of running towards the freedom for trapped emotions and guilt in me, as they marched with an escalating rhythm. Closer and closer, they moved faster.
Yet every step was taking its toll, as every movement seemed to only become heavier and more sluggish the closer I approached.
Worry, anxious, guilt, yet behind all of it lays small warmth of the sense of relief blooming brighter as the proximity of us tightens. I don't know why, but the air seemed to stir around us, it was getting harder and harder to breath as the closer I stepped to her.
Don't back up now, don't you fucking dar-…
Yet I froze when she looked back at me to my advance, her eyes piercing through my own. And I could see the strange of emotions mix they were carrying.
Her green orbs are still carrying that darken shade of green to them; they were heavy, cloudy tones of color that seems to coat her normally bright emeralds. They looked tired, and she just looked so exhausted at the moment…
But even how tiring they may seem, her gaze was still held a spark of fierce to them. Angst, was what I could make out. And I am certain it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see why they were like so.
"What do you want?..." Her brows knitted closer to each other as she made a grumbled statement.
"Emma, I-" I tried to start slowly.
"Don't even call me that." She spat.
That one phrase shocked me.
"What? Emma, I was just-"
"I said don't call me that!" She screamed at me.
"Do you know what I've been through because of you!?" Her face lit up with anger. And her question soon slammed to the back of my mind. Yes, what have I done.
…
I couldn't answer, I was struck with awe and my mind felt empty. I was speechless, I couldn't say anything, how could I? So silent was all I can give to her.
"That's what I thought…" Venomous words she spoken.
With those words, I ducked my head down in shame.
.
I have made her like this.
.
But how may I resolve this mess?...
.
"I'm sorry…" I said in the lowest tone.
"What?"
"I'm sorry. Ok?"
.
It took a moment for her…
"Now you wanted to apologize?! After all of this?!... Now!? You want to apologize!?" Again, she was furious with every word she says.
"Yes!" I screamed out of frustration. But I soon regretted that…
…
And so followed the lingering silent afterwards...
.
"Look, I know I have been acting up lately. And I will admit to you, I have been facing a lot on my shoulders lately, ok?"
.
She says nothing…
"… But… what I've done. I regretted it… all of it…"
"…"
"And more than anything… I owe you an apology, it's the least I can do…"
"…"
"So please Emma, hear me out. And I hope… I hope, you can forgive me for all of this…"
Those last words finally left my tongue and it felt like a boulder has lifted itself from my shoulders, but still, my breathing was halted, as I waited nervously for her upcoming response.
.
My heart was pounding in my chest. The swirl of emotion soon flooded my thoughts, as the more I waited, the more anxious I become. But she still didn't say anything for all the ticking seconds passing. Those ticks and tocks from the clock behind us, indicates the both of us has been standing still, waiting, for several minutes as it kept being stretched by every counting seconds…
She only turned her back on me as she stood in complete silent, and not even sparing me a glance.
…
I couldn't take this anymore.
"I'm sorry. Ok? I know saying it doesn't fix anything. But I'm sorry."
"God…" That was the last of my response.
But still, no response from her.
She hated me now, didn't she? Who was I kidding? Its plain obvious.
"Who am I kidding…" I thought out loud.
.
.
.
So much for no backing up. Godammit, what was I even thinking!?
.
.
.
It came to my conclusion.
"…You know what? ...Maybe I'll just go. I'm sorry I bothered you in this time."
So I turned to face the door. Eager to just run away from all of this, run away from this mere stupid decision of mine.
Run away from-
"No…"
"Don't go…"
-Her…
She wrapped her arms around my back in a sudden movement, clinging on to my body like her life depended on it.
"Emma?"
She only tightened her embrace on me. Her little hands firmly placed on my torso and her nails digging into them like pillars.
She is crying?
Sobs and light inhales of air rang throughout the empty halls only we fill at the moment.
A mix of surprise and confusion washed over me. What is happening?
But they were topped with a hint of relief.
.
Her crying and sobbing continued to fill the empty halls with "hics" and "haps" as she held me tightly from behind, not letting go. Like a child almost clinging on to her precious, refusing to let loose…
So I looked back at her. And what I saw… changed me forever.
.
There stood our same Emmanuelle Pichon. The team's brightest, the GIGN's pride, the question I've been waiting… Yet now, she lacked her normal cheerfulness, now she lacked her prideful stance, and now… now she looked nothing like the Twitch I know from Rainbow Six.
No, what stood in front of me was something more. What stood in front of me was Emma, a girl, a maiden, a feline, who is now sobbing to my arms as she murmured all of those adorable little curses at me. As she griped and pulled, banged and slammed her tiny hands onto my back while her hiccups rang the halls...
She was not angry I know so, she was just sad, confused as I am right now. And though she looked nothing like the Twitch I knew…. Yet I find her to be… if I even dare say it…
Beautiful.
Her cheeks were covered with a dim shade of rose like color, while her eyes carried a puffy red. Those lids closed to hid away the emeralds underneath them. And her pink lips pressed together in a firm line, while her messy hair left freckles of chestnut brown to cover her face…
If more than anything I wanted to admit, she looked pretty damm cute right now, but that wasn't a thought I was going to dwell into too much.
For already, I was forgetting something… She was hurt because of me...
But what can I do now?...
Nothing.
.
So I can only stand there in utter shock, with the only thing I can think of was to hold on to her also; and we stood there, two bodies clinging on to each other for what felt like hours, as we let the gentle gust of air flow through us…
It was nice.
It was relieving almost.
But in this moment, my relief only been bashed with a new cocktail of emotions and even more questions…
"Emma…"
"I'm so sorry Emma…" I said as my hands instinctively wrapped her frame tighter in an effort to comfort her.
We are soldiers. Cold is what we are meant to be.
But This...
This warmth...
There's nothing like it, there's nothing like This…
It was intoxicating...
And I think she thought so too. As her sobs seem to have gone off to a halt. Her emeralds were still puffy, and her green orbs seem to be hiding through those half lid eyes. Like a child, shying away from embarrassment as she was looking away from my stare down at her.
She's so cute right now…
"Julien…" That snapped me back to reality.
"Yes?..."
"I'm sorry too…"
"No, I should be."
"Yes… You should…" She gave a light giggle.
.
She looked up at me now. Green eyes staring back on to Blues. And by the corner of her mouth there be a slight dimple twitching upwards...
"But it's ok now…"
"…"
"…"
"I'm still sorry." We said in a union.
Now the both eyes widen in awe as we continue to stare at each other and our faces now even more red from the embarrassment of this awkward inception…
.
.
A light chuckle found its way out of my mouth, and soon hers was giggling uncontrollably as well. The sobbing sounds were no longer present. And thus replaced by the sounds of laughter…
And we still stood there, laughing out to our heart's content as we enjoyed the warmth of the other's body. Our hands slid closer, and our embrace seems to only become more tighten.
"Ha-…." She choked the gags out, and soon laying her head on my chest.
"Thank you." Was all she said.
"No. Thank you…"
This was a feeling I was craving for so long now. Just. To hold on to someone's body, to feel the warmth they can give you… It was something I was searching so hard for. And yet now, the first of my discovery just so happens to be with my closest friend…
"This is nice…"
"Qui."
…
It felt weird at first, but after awhile, I couldn't even be physically able to remove myself from her anymore… This warmth, only made me wanted more of it.
"Emma…"
"Julien…"
"I…"
…
…..
"What is it Julien?..."
"I uhh…" I murmured, looking away shyly.
Her emeralds seem to have a spark of curiosity back to them now as she continued to wait for my answer.
"Yes?" she said hopefully.
"I-…"
She continued her stare…
"I think I might have l-"
"Oi lovebirds! What you two been doing!?" A screech came from behind us. Making the both of us jump a bit.
Our heads simultaneously snapped to the intruder's direction, only to find that it was only our green haired Polish friend.
"ELA!" We both screamed.
"Oh? Am I interrupting something?..." She said with a devilish grin plastered to her face.