A/N: I actually wasn't planning to write this story. I was writing a direct sequel to "Shattered Memberries", but I wanted to wait for South Park's 21st season to end before I started releasing chapters, so I did this one for fun. Probably was a good idea, considering I wound up scrapping most of that story's first chapter after it became clear that it directly conflicted with things the show was doing in the second half of the season. So I did this one just as a fun little side project, hence why I decided to set it on Homeworld instead of Earth. Anyway. Chapter 4 will be the last one. Enjoy.

Morty sat at his desk and sipped his drink. He glanced at some paperwork on his desk and smirked. In front of him were several opinion polls. He eyed one in particular, from Ricksmussen Reports. 44% approval. Pretty good, for a Morty. Life was good.

This was not Morty C-131, obviously. This Morty knew what he was doing. What he wanted to do. How he would do it. This Morty had a plan. This Morty had ambitions. This was the Morty that abolished the Shadow Council of Ricks. This Morty was the leader of the free Ricks and Morties.

This Morty was the President of the Citadel.

He sighed and reclined in his seat. His plan required a lot of waiting around. As much as President Morty hated waiting, he knew it was unavoidable. As such, he decided to simply enjoy his luxurious office, for the time being. Peace and quiet was all he needed right now.

Unfortunately, that peace and quiet was quickly interrupted by Condoleezza Rick, the Citadel Secretary of State. "Mr. President, we—" he burped "—we have a problem."

President Morty glared at the Secretary of State briefly, before returning his eyes to his polls. "What is it?"

"A Rick has been compromised, he—he and his Morty have been taken by a hostile alien in his dimension."

"Which one?"

Condoleezza Rick thought for a moment. "C-131, sir. F-Fan Rick."

President Morty shrugged. "Prepare a memorial service for his Beth and Summer. And Jerry, if he's still got one. Better yet, get one of the Rickless Morties and one of the Mortyless Ricks, assign them together, and send them to C-131 to replace the old ones."

"S-sir? He isn't dead yet."

"Ricks die all the time, Rick," President Morty lamented. "Isn't it best to be prepared for that possibility? Likelihood, even?"

"Rick C-131 is like Terror Rick in a lot of ways, Mr. President. He doesn't go easy. But I do think we ought to do something."

"Why waste the resources? There's an infinite number of—"

"An infinite number of Ricks and Morties, yeah, I know," Condoleezza Rick rolled his eyes. "These are special circumstances, Morty."

"I'd advise you to not take that sort of tone with me," President Morty threatened. "You wouldn't want to end up like Ricks Tillerson or Hilldog Rick, would you?"

Condoleezza Rick's eyes widened, and he coughed nervously. "U-uh, what I meant was, uh, Mr. President, was that we might be dealing with more than just a dead Rick here."

"How so?"

"Fan Rick wasn't just captured by any old alien dickhead," Condoleezza Rick explained. "He was captured on one of the most dangerous planets in Dimension C-131."

"Gromflom Prime?"

Condoleezza Rick shook his head. "The Galactic Federation is still a problem in his dimension, but no. We're dealing with a planet far more problematic, both for him and for the Citadel."

"Well, spit it out. Who's got him?"

Condoleezza Rick hesitated. "G-Geminga 7. The Gem Homeworld."

It was President Morty's turn to widen his eyes. "So, they're still a problem for him, too."

"We believe the Great Diamond Authority of C-131 may be close to developing their own portal gun formula. As I'm sure you know, being able to pick a Rick's brains would allow them to complete their formula. Which would compromise the security of the Citadel..."

Condoleezza Rick scratched the back of his head. "Basically, what we're dealing with is this; if that Rick doesn't make a safe getaway, we've got an interdimensional war against an infinite number of nigh-unkillable super soldiers who have perfected cloning to the point that they're so fast, even infinite Super Ricks would still be more finite than infinite super soldiers. It's Infinity War times infinity. Which is still infinity, but, you know, versus slower infinity."

President Morty leaned back in his seat. "So what are our options?"

"Well, when Terror Rick was captured by the Gromflomites from his dimension, the previous administration sent in Seal Team Ricks to assassinate him before they could get any substantive information out of him."

"And look how that turned out," President Morty scoffed. "Anything else?"

"Beyond killing him? No. Not without risking compromising a different Rick."

"You know what? Let's see how this plays out. I want to see if this Rick can get himself out of this mess."

"If you insist, sir. W-we'll keep you updated on the situation." Condoleezza Rick left the room and travelled down the hallway. He turned on his earpiece and addressed several other Ricks and Morties in the cabinet. "President Morty doesn't want us to interfere. It's time for Operation: He's Not The Boss of Us, We'll Do What We Want."

Our Rick and our Morty stared at the new Gem...s? Morty blinked, a dumb look appearing on his face. He saw two faces, but the Gems were conjoined at the hip. Siamese Gems.

Siamese.

Morty met Siamese aliens all the time, so he was immediately bored. Once again, this had turned into a standard adventure and like all standard adventures, Rick was going to take all of the magic out of—

"Holy shit Morty, we're saved!" Rick said.

"What?"

"These two are outcasts, Morty. Gem society, you know, they throw out the weakest links, all of the defective Gems, Morty, they—they're forced to live in hiding!"

"Oh no," one head muttered.

"Are you going to turn us in?" the other asked.

"No!" Morty defended. "No, no, we're on the run too! We're from Earth, and—"

"Earth?" one head asked.

"You better come with us," the other replied.

"We know someone who might want to meet you."

Rick raised one side of his unibrow and retrieved a flask from his coat pocket. "Okay, but—but you aren't going to eat our flesh for sustenance, are you?"

"RICK!"

"I'm just making sure, Morty, a freak is a freak, it doesn't matter what planet they're from."

Morty sighed. "I- I'm really sorry about Rick. He's missing that part of his brain that censors the things he says, you know, like that one really old lady from the Golden Girls."

Rick raised a finger. "Actually Morty, Estelle Getty was a year younger than Bea Arthur. She just plays old really well."

"Well, I mean, you know Rick, they were all old, that was the point of the show."

"Right, but you described Estelle Getty as the oldest."

"I— no I didn't, I just said she played the oldest one, which she did."

"You said 'that one really old lady from the Golden Girls,'" Rick argued. "One could draw two different logical conclusions from that statement, I just happened to draw the one that proves you don't know what you're talking about."

Morty glanced about the cavern they were walking through, which got less and less crowded as they walked. "Yeah, well, you know, it's… Uh… Hey, what are your names?" Morty asked his escort.

"Rutile."

"...both of you?" Morty didn't receive an answer, but he did have more questions. "Hey, what—what are all of these holes for?" Morty asked. "They look—they look like people holes."

"Okay Morty, first of all, don't say 'people holes' again," Rick scolded. "Second of all, they're Gem holes. We're in a Kindergarten."

One Rutile head nodded. "This one was one of the largest on Homeworld."

"Or so we've been told," the other finished.

"Gems, Morty, they're grown like vegetables," Rick explained. "The more perfect the vegetable, the more obedient the warrior."

"That's why we were cast aside," Rutile continued Rick's thought. "We're imperfect. We all were."

"'We all?'" Morty repeated. "There's more of you?"

"You've created an underground society of outcasts," Rick concluded. "And you've been surviving for how long?"

"Oh, we've lost track," one Rutile head answered.

"There's not a whole lot of us," the other continued. "Besides ourselves, there's Fluorite, Rhodonite, Padparadscha, Lars—"

"Okay, I assume Fluorite and Rhodonite are fusions," Rick began, although he knew most of it was flying completely over Morty's head, "but who the hell is 'Lars'? Is that like a nickname or something? What's her gemstone?"

Both Rutile twins hummed. "Hmm. I don't believe Lars has a gemstone. Do most humans have gemstones?"

Morty blinked. "There are other humans on this planet?"

Rick shook his head. "No, no, no, that's impossible. Unless something's changed since the last time I was here—and besides the stricter security, not much is different—the only humans who could have gotten anywhere NEAR Geminga 7 are prisoners who were kidnapped and brought to the Zoo. And a zoo this ain't. I wish it was. This is a very strict bureaucracy and I hate bureaucrats."

"You're here, aren't you?"

There was a beat of silence. Rick just blinked and looked at Rutile with an empty glare.

"Fuck you," Rick said finally after a moment of total silence. Morty groaned and placed a hand over his face. "Fuck you too, Morty, this Gem is trying to pull a fast one on us. She wants to kill us and eat our flesh."

The group entered a large room in the cavern with even more Gem Holes. Every part of the wall had one. Rick had to admit, this WAS the largest Kindergarten he'd ever seen, although, to be fair, he'd only seen three, all of them on Earth; the Prime Kindergarten in West Virginia; the Beta Kindergarten in Arizona; and a third Kindergarten in Colorado. That last one was prepared, but never activated, which was why Rick had memorized its exact location and checked up on it every now and again.

Morty looked about in awe. "Wow… People really came from all of these holes?"

Each Rutile raised its respective hand up to rest its respective finger on its respective chin. "Hmmm. The others should be around here somewhere…"

Suddenly, another Gem jumped out from behind a pillar, startling Morty. "Hey-ooooh, it's me, Beryl!" she shouted; although, to Morty, this Gem sounded like a man. She was tall, had short, buzzed hair, and sported many different shades of blue and green across her body. The most notable thing about her was that her body was covered in hands, which was more than a little disturbing. The second-most notable thing about her, at least in Morty's mind, was that she sounded like a Meeseeks, or Mr. Poopy Butthole, or Noob Noob, or… Somebody Morty saw on Interdimensional Cable.

"That's Beryl," Rutile repeated. "She's one of the newest members of our group."

"You might be wonderin' what's wrong with me!" said Beryl. "It's— so I- you know, I got all these hands. I'm actually… like… a billion gems' worth of hands! Yup! There's some Aquamarine in here… and some Emerald, and… other things. See, back in the kindergarten, I absorbed, like, four or five rows and columns of Gems and it all got mushed together and made me! Ooo-wee! Take a look at my gemstone!"

Beryl raised her right arm and showed Morty. Her gemstone was cylindrical in shape, although unlike most of the Gems Morty had seen thusfar, it was not a neat cut. Lumps could be seen all around, and the gemstone was actually multicolored. In addition, the gemstone actually took the place of her right hand.

"Tragically, I'm actually right-handed, on account of my Gem being on the right side of my body, and all these other hands are left hands." Beryl paused for an awkward moment. "Also, they're vestigial. I can't move these lefties, no sireeee-eeee! So I became an outcast from society, on account of my many left hands I can't use. Only left hands. Yup. No right hands."

Morty blinked. "Hey, you know Rick, that— this Gem doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, Rick."

"Don't think about it too hard, Morty," Rick muttered, shaking his head.

Beryl glanced behind herself. "Hey, everyone, come on out, we got a bunch-a Larses over here!" she shouted. Exactly on cue, Morty saw more Gems exit from places they'd been hiding. At first glance, he only saw two more.

"Everyone!" one of them—the shorter one—exclaimed. "I've got terrific news! The Rutile twins will be approached further up the cavern by two new visitors!"

Morty raised his lower eyelids in confusion. "What?"

"That's Padparadscha," Rutile explained. "She can see into the future! ...but only after the future has become the past."

The taller one's four eyes widened when she saw Rick and Morty, and she brought her four forearms up in shock. "You brought visitors? Why?! Visitors could be bad!"

Morty held his hands up and shook his head. "We're cool! Not hiding any weapons!"

"I'm hiding several," Rick corrected.

"I'm not hiding any weapons!"

"It's alright, Rhodonite," Rutile assured her friend. "They're friendly."

"Relative to everyone on the surface, at least," Rick conceded. "Okay, so we've got a fusion, Siamese Gems, someone with a SUPER delayed reaction time, and Mr. Hands."

"Mr. Left Hands!" Beryl chirped enthusiastically. "And they're all vestigial!"

"Anyone else?" Rick continued. "You mentioned Fluorite? Where's— holy shit," he said, staring up at the large caterpillar-like fusion that was now emerging from behind a pillar.

"Hmmmm…" the fusion hummed slowly. "New… visitors. How peculiar…" she said, slowly.

Rick blinked. "Alright, there's Fluorite. That's, uh… that sure is something. Anyone else?"

"Ow!" Rick heard a nasally voice from behind another pillar. "Your feet are on my face, you insolent lump!"

"Hold still, we're going to fall over!"

"You hold still! I'm trying to—WHOA!" Rick watched as three more Gems fell over, having previously been stacked on top of each other in an attempt to hide.

"Huh, guess there are still some Peridots left," Rick muttered, as the three Peridots in question stood up.

So as to alleviate his own internal confusion, Morty mentally named them based on where their gemstones were placed. He named the one on the left Army, the one on the right Leggy, and the one in the middle… Crotchy.

"When we heard that a Peridot on Earth had betrayed the authority, we knew we had to run!" Crotchy exclaimed.

"Do you know what the penalty for treason is?" Army asked. "Screw that noise! We got out of there as soon as possible."

"Eventually, we met the Off-Colors, and they took us in," Leggy concluded. "For the lumps they are, they helped us a lot, so now we help them any way we can!"

Padparadscha crossed her arms indignantly. "My reactions are not that delayed."

"Right now, they're trying to help us repair an old broken-down spaceship," Rutile explained.

"What for?" Morty asked.

"It's for me," he heard yet another voice respond—this one was male. Rick and Morty looked over at the shadows to greet the new face. Rick's eyes widened as the figure stepped into the light, revealing himself to be a teenaged human boy, with what appeared to be dyed hair and very peachy skin. "We're trying to find a way back to Earth, where the Off Colors can live in peace and I can go back to my day job. ...and maybe get a haircut, or something."

Morty stepped forward. "H-hey, look, Rick, it's another human!" He held out his hand. "I'm Morty. That's my grandfather, Rick."

"Lars," the boy said, shaking Morty's hand. "How'd you get on this planet?"

"Rick tried scamming Gazorpazorpians and we got lost."

"First of all, Morty, I was going to scam TILAPIANS. Gazorpazorp had the toll booth, remember?"

"Oh, right."

"Second of all, we didn't get lost. We were caught in a tractor beam."

"Wait. Wait. Hold up," Lars interrupted. "Tractor beam? You were captured in SPACE? You have a SPACE SHIP?"

"HAD a space ship," Rick corrected. "It was confiscated and probably dismantled." He glanced at all of the Off Colors. "And it definitely wouldn't have fit all of you, so before you ask, no, you can't hitch a ride."

"Ah," Lars groaned, disappointed. "Rats. Thought you guys might be our way off this planet." He shrugged, however, and lowered his head. "Whatever, you guys wanna get back to Earth?"

Rick glared. "Yeah, uh, I thought that part was fairly self-evident. We don't plan on being here very long."

"Alright. Get in my hair."

Beat.

"What-"

"Just put your hand in my hair, you'll see what I mean."

Rick and Morty glanced at each other. Morty shrugged and began to feel Lars's hair—and his hand sunk in, with no resistance at all! "AH! Shit! R-Rick, my hand, Rick!"

Rick's eyes widened. "Holy shit, Morty, this kid's got a motherfuckin' pocket dimension in his HAIR!"

"My hair is connected to the mane of a lion back on Earth," Lars explained as Morty yanked his hand out. "I… died several months ago. My friend was able to bring me back, but not exactly the right way. So now I'm just… this."

"A fruity zombie," Rick concluded.

"Something like that," Lars shrugged. "Anyway, talking about it is bumming me out, so… Do you want to get home or not?"

"Oh hell yeah, let's do it," Rick said as he grabbed Morty. "Alright Morty. Get in this kid's head."

"What?!"

"You heard him Morty, you have to get in this kid's head if you want to live. Come on Morty, just stick your whole foot in this kid's head, Morty," Rick continued to coax as he forced Morty's leg up.

"Rick, that— OW! Rick, that hurts!"

"Come on, Morty, get in this kid's head, you have to do it, Morty, just stick your entire body into this kid's head."

"Rick, hold on! Hold on, Rick!" Morty pushed his grandfather aside and turned to Lars. "You said all of these Gems were trying to get to Earth, too. Why haven't they gone through your hair, yet?"

Crotchy stepped forward. "Simple. Lars cannot travel through his own pocket dimension. We feel it would be… in poor taste to leave poor him here on Homeworld without us."

Fluorite nodded. "Oh… yes…" she confirmed slowly. "You see, Lars here is one of us… We are… family… and that means nobody gets left behind."

Morty smiled. "Aw, gee, Rick, you know, that's—that's kind of sweet, you know?"

"It's kind of stupid is what it is."

"Tell you what," Morty said, reaching into his grandfather's pocket.

"Morty, what are you doing?"

"We-we really have to get back to Earth," Morty said, grabbing Rick's portal gun. "But I don't want to leave without at least trying to help. So, here," he said, handing the gun to Lars.

"What is it?" he asked.

"None of your business, that's what," Rick protested.

"It's a portal gun," Morty ignored Rick. "It can take you between other dimensions, but more importantly, it can take you back to Earth. I-I left it on the setting that takes it back to Earth, and it's on a lock or something, so I don't think you can change it." Morty scratched his neck apprehensively. "It's broken right now, so when you try to use it, it only takes you across the room. But maybe your Peridot friends can figure out how it works and fix it, someday!"

Rick rolled his eyes. "I already told you, Morty, it isn't broken, there's a suppression field on this planet that prevents portaling in and out."

"Whatever. Maybe you can find a way around the suppression field."

"Doubt it."

Lars smiled. "Hey, thanks Morty."

"Don't 'thanks Morty' too eagerly, you can't have it," Rick said, grabbing the portal gun back. "Come on Morty, let's go."

"Rick!" Morty protested. "You've got plenty of those, this might be their only shot at getting home!"

"And if they're captured by the Diamonds? Then what happens, Morty?" Rick glanced over at the Peridot trio. "Better question, what if one of the Peridots over there decides that they can get back in the Authority's good graces by turning over their friends?"

Crotchy placed her hands on her hips. "Excuse you? If we were GOING to do that, we'd have done it FOREVER ago you insolent lump!"

Army nodded, glaring at Rick. "Yeah! We'd do anything for our friends!"

"Yeah, and you'd ALSO do anything to be recognized by your superiors," Rick dismissed. "You're Peridots, you're genetically predispositioned to be total suck-ups."

"Maybe the Peridots YOU'VE seen," Morty retorted, "but NONE of these Gems are 'normal' by the standards of the Authority! They don't abide by your pre-determined prototypes!"

"A Peridot is a Peridot, a Ruby is a Ruby, and a Pearl is a Pearl," Rick concluded. "They're all the same. Only the defective ones are different."

"Then we're defective!" Crotchy responded. "I'm okay with that!"

"Rick, give me the damn gun!" Morty yelled, grabbing the portal gun from Rick—a game of tug-of-war ensued.

"Whoa, Morty, it's fine, we don't need it," Lars said, holding his hands up as Rick and Morty fought over the device.

"Morty, let go of me!"

"Give it up, Rick!"

"You have no clue what you're doing, Morty!"

"NEITHER DO YOU!"

"He's a motherfuckin' Starboy, Morty, didn't you hear that song by The Weeknd? We can't trust them, Morty!"

Rick and Morty continued to wrestle the device from each other. Beryl ran between them, using her many hands to block the two.

"Hey, hey, hey now, why can't we all be friends?" Beryl asked. "Remember, that song? It goes like, 'Why can't weeee be friends, why can't weeee be friends, there's no need to fight over the portal gun, why can't weeeeee be frieeeeends?'"

Suddenly, the group heard a noise they definitely didn't need to hear right now; "Alright, team. Fan out and search the cavern!" Everyone stared fearfully at the cavern entrance.

"Oh, crap!" Lars exclaimed. "They found us again! You two have to get back to Earth, now."

"Wait, this location's been compromised before?" Rick asked. "And you STAYED here?! What's wrong with you?!"

"I didn't think they'd check the same place twice, okay?" Lars said, crossing his arms. "Rubies are REALLY dumb."

"Those didn't sound like Rubies…" Army muttered.

"Yeah," Morty agreed. "They sounded like…" he stared at Rick. "Rick."

"What?" Lars looked over at Rick. "What are you talking about, Rick's right..." he trailed off, staring at the cavern entrance.

Several more humans, exactly identical to Rick, had entered—and they were armed to the teeth.

Padparadscha perked up. "Everyone! Wonderful news! Rick and Morty have a teleportation device!"