So, this one isn't beta'd as it ended up triggering my beta when she read it and I didn't want to put her through that.

So, trigger warning for some self-harm, and dark, depressing thoughts.

I apologize for all the mistakes, I edited myself as best I could but I really wanted to get this out there.

Read the bottom AN please!

Soft, gentle, even breaths. That was the only sound in the otherwise silent room. It should have been peaceful. It should have been a moment that made her happy, one that she would treasure.

Instead, all she felt was a roiling, burning, hateful pit in her stomach. Guilt. That's what it was. It was something she hadn't really felt in a long time. She was well accustomed to self hatred and chastisement. But rarely did she ever feel guilty. Now it felt as though it would eat her alive.

Revan was careful to extract herself, moving with slow, precise movements to ensure the sleeping redhead would not wake, was not disturbed.

Revan rose from the bed, frantically looking for her shirt as a faint ringing entered her ears. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve to stay here. This peace, this warm feeling of contentment was not for her. She shouldn't feel it. She deserved only the guilt, the loathing self hatred and disgust that was burning a hole within her.

She pulled her shirt back on and with a wave of her hand, her armour found its way back to her body, encasing her. For the first time in her life, it didn't make her feel safe. It couldn't protect her from herself. From what she had done.

She hurried from the room, almost punching a hole in the elevator she hit the button so hard. She tried to calm herself, to rationalize. To stop this. But she couldn't. She could only hear the ringing in her ears, that quiet, insidious voice in her head whispering, reminding her what she had done.

She'd taken advantage. Shepard had been severely emotionally compromised. She had been distraught and craved, needed a comfort. She needed a friend. She needed someone to talk to, to take care of her.

Instead of being that, of being a good, decent fucking human being, Revan had been selfish. She'd been weak. So fucking weak.

She wasn't stupid. Part of her knew Shepard had understood what she was asking. That wasn't the problem. The problem was, Revan had given in.

She had wanted to comfort Shepard, to be there for her yes, and maybe if it had been as simple as that then it would be ok. But it wasn't. It was never simple with Shepard.

She had wanted what had happened. She'd wanted Shepard beneath her, writhing in pleasure, calling out her name, begging for more. She'd wanted to bury her face between the redhead's legs until she drank her dry.

Revan wanted Shepard in every way imaginable. She wanted to fuck until they were too sore to move. She wanted to make love until they couldn't keep their eyes open any more. She wanted to wake up and see pine green eyes framed by tousled fiery tresses.

She wanted it and she had taken it. Taken it without permission. Shepard had been asking for help, for comfort. Revan had given it, but she had tried to take something that was never offered. She'd tried to take a peace, a happiness that she had not earned, that she did not deserve.

Revan almost ran out of the elevator when it reached the cargo bay. That ringing in her ears was louder. Yet that fucking voice in her head could still be heard. She barely made it halfway across the room before she fell to her knees.

She screamed, pouring all her frustration, her anger, her sadness, her self hatred into the sound. It was reflex to tear off her gauntlet and slam her fist into the cold metal floor. She felt the bones breaking instantly, through clenched teeth she growled in pain and anger.

She poured what little energy she had left into healing her hand. Even that caused her to see spots for a moment. She couldn't remember the last time her powers had been this exhausted.

That voice in her head still whispered. Told her she was a monster. She was unworthy. How dare she try to take something that wasn't hers to take. The worst part, the one thing that made her eyes shine with tears, that twisted her gut into a knot so painful it almost crippled her. The voice was Meetra's.

Did you really think you would get another chance?

She'd never thought that. Not until…with Shepard…maybe…

Maybe what? Maybe she could love you?

You were nothing more than a warm body.

You don't deserve love.

Didn't she? She'd thought that for so long. But sometimes, when she was with Shepard…when she saw the looks the redhead gave her, when they were close…

She doesn't know what you are. What you really are.

But did her past matter? She was in a different galaxy, a new life, maybe…a chance for…maybe she had another chance.

I loved you.

She'd loved Meetra so much, with all her soul. She didn't think there was ever a chance of loving anyone again. She wasn't sure if she loved Shepard, but maybe-

And you killed me.

Revan couldn't control the sob that left her. Nothing could stop it. When she clenched her eyes closed, all she saw was green and brown eyes staring back at her. All she felt was her very soul being ripped apart. All she heard was the screaming in her mind. Yet she voice still slithered through, still managed to be heard.

I betrayed the Jedi for you.

The Jedi had been wrong…Meetra had agreed.

I sacrificed for you.

She'd never forced those sacrifices….

I killed thousands for you.

It was war…

And still you killed me.

It wasn't…it wasn't supposed to happen.

How long before you do the same to her?

Never. Never again…

How much will you demand from her?

How much will you take?

You already took one thing you wanted.

She had given Shepard what she had needed…

She needed a friend.

She needed to be taken care of.

You took advantage.

She hadn't…

You were weak.

She wasn't…

You are weak!

You are a murderer.

A monster.

She was. How many millions had she killed? How many had died at her word? How many had she corrupted, forced to kill their former friends and family? How many had she betrayed?

All you do is destroy.

Corrupt.

Kill.

That's all you ever do.

All you can ever be.

Shepard woke with a jolt, the voice snapping her out of a dream filled with strong hands and smoldering steel eyes.

"What?" Shepard groaned, blinking away the sleep from her eyes.

"Garrus Vakarian is requesting to speak with you Shepard. Due to your desire to speak with him upon recovery, I felt it prudent to wake you."

"Oh my god yes!" Shepard practically sprang out of bed. "Where is he?"

"He is waiting outside the door."

Shepard was about to yell at EDI to let him in, when she felt the chill on her body. She was naked. Why was-

Holy shit Revan!

Shepard spun back to the bed, finding it empty. She cast a look around the room, finding no trace of the warrior or her clothes. Shepard felt a pang of disappointment resonate inside her, but she shoved it aside for the moment. She hastily pulled on a pair of sweat pants and the first shirt she could find, which wound up being a tanktop.

"Let him in!" She ordered, even as she practically sprinted across the room.

Garrus stepped through the threshold just as she reached it, she almost knocked him on his ass as she slammed into him, both her arms winding tight around his narrow midsection and squeezed with everything she had.

A smile formed unbidden on her lips when she felt his arms around her shoulders, hugging her back just as fiercely.

"Jeez Sheard, you'd think I died or something." There was a teasing lilt in his voice.

It caused Shepard to pull back and immediately throw a not so light punch as his armoured shoulder. She knew it wouldn't hurt him, but it did stagger him back a step. She fixed him with a hard glare.

"You fucking asshole!" She growled, her emotions had begun running rampant in an instant. "Don't. You. Ever. Do. That. Again." She punctuated each word with another punch. Her knuckles were red and slightly scrapped by the end of it, but she didn't care.

"Well if you-"

"Garrus." She knew it was the tone of her voice that cut off his teasing remark. She was aware of how close to breaking, how fucking fragile she sounded. But she didn't care at that moment.

"It's alright Shepard." Before she knew it she was being wrapped up in his arms again. "It's alright. I'm alright."

She released a shaky breath against his chest. She didn't even care about how cold his armour was against her bare skin. He was here. He was safe. He was alive.

"You almost weren't." She choked out, doing her best not to break down completely. She'd done enough of that last night.

"But I am," he reassured her, his voice soft, soothing. "I'm alright Shepard."

She closed her eyes, letting his words relax her. She took several deep breaths, not stopping until they had evened out. Until her heart stopped pounding in her chest. When it did, she took a step back, looking up at him.

His right mandible was covered in bandages still, burn marks peeking out, spreading down his throat and neck. She could see the faint blue glow of the new cybernetics in his ear.

"You look even uglier." She said, forcing a grin, forcing the humour. She needed it. She needed everything to be okay.

"Still prettier than you," He rolled his eyes, a gentle chuckle coming out, which immediately caused him to wince.

"You need some more rest," she spoke softly, her attempts at humour abandoned already.

"I'll get some, I promise." His blue eyes shone with the sincerity of his words, it made her relax ever so slightly. "I just wanted to come see you. Make sure you're alright. And say thanks, for carrying me out of there. I didn't know you had it in you."

"I'm alright," she gave him a shaky smile.

"Good," he smiled back, even though it made him wince again. "You seen Revan? I heard I owe her thanks too."

At the warrior's name, images of the previous hours flashed through the redhead's mind. She immediately felt herself blush at the memory of the warrior between her legs, hovering over her.

"Wait a minute." Garrus narrowed his eyes at her, taking a step back and giving her a long critical look. Shepard felt more exposed than when she was naked.

"Holy shit," the Turian's voice was filled with barely contained astonishment and amusement. "You didn't!"

"Did what?" She went for playing dumb. She knew it was pointless, but no way was she just going to give in.

"You," he pointed an accusing finger at her. "You had sex with Revan!"

This time, Shepard didn't bother denying, she simply crossed her arms defensively and let out a small huff. Stupid cop best friend who could read ridiculous miniscule clues.

"So I almost blow up and you get laid? How is that fair?!" His laughter echoed across the room as he took in her obvious embarrassment.

"I take it back," she grumbled. "I'm not happy you're ok."

"This is so great!" Garrus sounded genuinely excited, his blue eyes sparkled with amusement. "And about damn time!"

"What?" Now she fixed him with a confused look.

"Oh please, you two have been practically drooling over eachother for weeks. Don't even pretend that you don't like her."

Despite her best efforts, Shepard couldn't stop her smile. It was impossible for her not to smile, not to be happy whenever she thought of the warrior.

"I do," she admitted. It felt so fucking good to actually say it out loud. "I really do." Her smile had become so big that it was actually beginning to hurt, but she couldn't care less.

"So, is she still here?"

The words put an end to her euphoria before it really settled in. Reality hit her like a Krogan. She'd fallen asleep with Revan holding her. She'd woken up alone. No Revan. No note. No anything.

"No…she uh…I'm sure she had something to do." It was hard to speak past the lump in her throat. She knew she was trying to convince herself more than Garrus. She also knew he was aware of that.

He smiled gently. "I'm sure she did. She's pretty busy." He glanced at his omni tool, "it's almost time for you're training anyway. So I'll talk to her after." He gave her another reassuring smile and another quick hug before heading back for the elevator. "Try to do some actual training." He threw a wink just as the doors closed.

Shepard barely even noticed as she walked back to her room. She cast a slow glance around, taking in the scattered armour, the carelessly tossed aside undersuit. But there was no trace Revan had ever been here. If it wasn't for the very vivid memories, Shepard would have just thought it was a dream. But no dream could feel that real. Could make her feel that good.

She tried not to dwell on the fact that Revan had left. She remembered passing out enveloped in warm, strong arms, smelling metal and spice. She'd never felt so happy, so fucking content, so…safe, in her entire life.

She took a deep breath. Revan must have had things to do. Garrus was right, she was a busy woman. Probably had never slept in a day on her life. That's all it was.

Shucking off her hastily thrown on clothing, she switched into her workout gear. She was still tired and sore from yesterday, but she didn't want to miss their workout. She wanted-needed to see Revan.

Once she was changed she took the elevator down to the cargo bay, doing her best to ignore the heavy beating of her heart, or the jittery, nervous energy that was humming through her body.

But could anyone really blame her? She'd slept with Revan! Well, technically they'd slept together before. But the preceding orgasms were new.

She'd suspected, hoped, that Revan felt something for her too. But the way Revan had looked at her? Touched her? Held her? Kissed her? There was no doubt in Shepard's mind. Revan had to feel something for her to. It wasn't just her imagination. It couldn't be.

Yet, despite that, there was still that tiny knot of worry coiled in her gut like some immovable stone. Revan should have stayed. What could have been so pressing that-

No. She wasn't going to give into those thoughts. Revan must have had a good reason.

The doors opened, and Shepard strode into the cargo bay, shoving that stupid negative voice down deep enough that it couldn't be heard.

Her eyes immediately found Revan, standing over one of the workbenches, her shoulders slightly hunched as she tinkered with something. She didn't miss the way the warrior tensed, her movements stilling for just a heartbeat as Shepard entered the room.

"Morning!" Shepard called, forcing her voice to be cheerful, shoving that shitty voice away again.

"Good morning Commander." Revan's tone was devoid of any emotion, borderlining on cold.

The words froze Shepard in her tracks. It wasn't just the tone, or the way Revan didn't even give a glance in her direction. It was the word. Commander. Not Shepard.

"Revan?" She asked tentatively, that voice in her head was louder than ever, screaming at her. Something was wrong.

The warrior gave no reply, she simply continued working on…whatever it was.

Shepard swallowed past the lump in her throat. "Are you ready for training?" It wasn't what she wanted to say, but it still served the same purpose.

"I'm busy." The words were curt, spoken in a tone that was colder than Noveria.

"Ok, umm, well how about later?"

"I'll still be busy."

"Well when won't you be busy?" Shepard felt the tiniest bit or irritation creeping up inside her. Was Revan really going to do this?

"Ask Thane to train you."

"I'm asking you." There was more than just a trace of irritation now.

"And I'm telling you I'm busy."

"So that's it?" She growled, her temper was creeping up now, and she didn't think she could control it. "You're just going to pretend like last night never happened?" She was practically snapping by the end, but she didn't care. It was a good cover for the hurt.

"You needed something. I gave it to you. There's nothing more to discuss."

The words cut through her annoyance, her anger like one of the warriors' light sabers. Is that all it had really been to Revan? But if she hadn't felt anything, why would she even do it? Did she really see it as something so…cheap? Had Shepard convinced her that's what it was somehow?

"Revan, last night was-"

"A mistake." The warrior dropped whatever she was working on but didn't turn. She simply walked away.

Shepard felt like someone had just driven a knife in her chest. She'd been shot, burned, cut, stabbed, literally fucking died, but nothing hurt more than that one single word. It was delivered more coldly, more brutal than anything that had tried to kill her.

A mistake. She was a mistake. That's what Revan was saying. Was she really wrong?

Revan paused at the door to her room. "Go train with Thane. He's a better match for you anyway." The last part was whispered and Shepard didn't know if she really heard it.

All she could hear was that one word echoing in her mind, over and over again. A mistake. She was a mistake.

I'm sorry!

If it's any consolation I didn't want to do it either!

But...all aboard the angst train!

I PROMISE this is done for really important reasons!

I also promise that I will not drag this out unecessarily. These two just gotta work out a few things before they can get together.

It was pointed out to me that earlier in the story Revan seemed to get over her hang up with Meetra that prevented her with being with Shepard. All I will say is, Revan thought the same thing.

Thank you all for hanging in there with me!

More to come soon!

Stay classy!