Disclaimer: I do not own Voltron: Legendary Defender

Shiro did not sign up for this shit. Granted, he didn't exactly sign up to save the universe either, but that at least he could appreciate.

He blames both Lance and Keith.

It was a Monday, according to Pidge and Hunk's calculations. The two had somehow come up with a conversion table for keeping track of the dates on Earth that no one understood but took for granted nonetheless. The paladins had just finished some pretty intense training and were slumped at the dining room table, eating lunch. Their armor had long since been discarded and they were in street clothes once again.

"Man, I'm beat," Pidge groaned, stretching her arms above her head. "I'm gonna wash up and then work on my lion. See ya." Lance and Hunk were in deep discussion but nodded at her anyway. Shiro was just focused on his food. Pidge rose and turned to walk away but a gasp from Keith stopped her short.

"Oh my God, Pidge!" he exclaimed, vaulting over the table and grabbing her arm. "What happened?! You're bleeding!" And pandemonium ensued.

"WHAT?!" The other three paladins whipped around to face the two.

Pidge frowned. "No, I'm not. I'm fine, Keith."

"Yeah, I don't see any blood," Lance said as he and Hunk scooched closer. Keith blushed slightly.

"It's on her… her… you know," he said lamely.

"My what?" snapped Pidge, already grumpy and exhausted from training. Lance frowned and looked at the tiny paladin.

"What is he - Oh. OH," he said, eyes wide as he stared at Pidge's lower body. Hunk followed his line of sight. "Ohhhhhh."

"What? What?!" Pidge asked frantically, desperately trying to twist and see her back.

"Don't worry, Pidge, it's nothing," Lance said, placing a friendly hand on her shoulder. "C'mon, let's get you cleaned up." He began steering her towards the door, Hunk following closely behind.

"Nothing to worry about?!" Keith nearly screeched. "Lance, she has blood on her ass!"

Dead silence. And then Shiro sighed softly.

"Keith, calm down," he said. Keith flailed wildly.

"I can't calm down! Pidge is bleeding and none of you seem to care!" Shiro sighed again and tried to placate the boy, knowing he had unofficially adopted Pidge as a younger sister. Pidge, meanwhile, was beet red and mortified.

"Oh my God," she moaned. "Now? Really?!"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, Pidge," Hunk said soothingly. "You're a growing girl and it's perfectly natural." Pidge glared daggers at him.

"Don't you start with me," she growled, and Hunk backed away hastily with his hands up.

"Pidge, chill," Lance said, grabbing the girl before she could maul Hunk. "Seriously, let's go to your room so you can get your stuff, yeah?"

"What stuff?" Pidge grumbled. Lance paused.

"I mean… don't you have…?" he trailed off, unsure how to continue. Pidge blushed even further and turned away with a pout. She mumbled something.

"What?"

"I said, it's my first," she grumbled. "I've… I've never done this before." Both Lance and Hunk gaped before gasping loudly.

"It's your first?! Oh my God! We have to celebrate!" Lance squealed excitedly.

"Ooooh, now I definitely have a good excuse to try out those cocoa-bean-like-thingies we got from that last planet!" Hunk sighed dreamily. Pidge blinked at them both.

"What?" she asked blankly. Lance turned to her with tears in his eyes.

"You are a woman today, Pidge. A full-fledged, bona fide woman!" He wiped away a stray tear.

"Look at our girl," Hunk sniffled. "She's growing up so fast."

"I know, right?" Lance leaned on Hunk rather dramatically. "Remember when we all thought she was a boy?"

"Actually, that was just you, buddy." Lance ignored him.

"Aaand now, she's all grown up! A woman, díos mio." Pidge stomped her foot.

"Will you two cut that out?" she cried, attempting to slap both their arms.

"What the quiznak is going on?" Allura asked as she and Coran came running through the doorway. "Why is everyone shouting? Are we under attack?!"

"No, princess, everything is fine," Shiro soothed, but Keith jumped at the opportunity.

"Pidge is bleeding and everyone just keeps saying it's fine! It's not fine!" he shouted. Allura and Coran paled.

"Bleeding?! Oh dear. Quickly, number five, let's get you into a healing pod straightaway," Coran bounded over to the poor girl, who looked ready to murder everyone in the room. "Training a wee bit too hard, eh?"

"That won't be necessary, Coran," Hunk said, shielding Pidge from the Altean's grabbing hands.

"Yeah guys. Seriously, I'm fine," Pidge looked directly at Keith as she said this.

"But you are bleeding? That means you are hurt somewhere. Perhaps the adrenaline is masking the pain," Allura said, concern in her eyes.

"Oh for - Everyone, calm down!" Lance yelled. He rubbed his temples. "And they call me a drama queen."

"Pidge," he said, grabbing her arm. "You're coming with me. Hunk?"

"Yeah, I'm in," he helpfully grabbed Pidge's other arm.

"I can walk, you know!" Pidge shouted, kicking out at the two boys.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Allura asked worriedly. Lance grinned.

"I can assure you, Pidge is as healthy as a horse. We just gotta pamper her a little today. Oh and Shiro, uh…" Lance eyed the Alteans and still seething Keith. "I'll leave it to you to explain what's going on. Later!" And with that the three paladins disappeared through the doorway, though not before seeing Shiro's look of utter betrayal and hearing Coran ask, "what's a horse?"

Lance and Hunk dragged a protesting Pidge down the castleship's hallways.

"Put me down, you morons! I can walk on my own, thank you very much!" Lance side-eyed her mutinously.

"Are you going to kill us if we let you go?" he asked warily. Pidge glared.

"No shit, Sherlock," she hissed. Lance shrugged.

"Then we're not letting you go." And the boys continued towing her until the trio reached Pidge's room. Pidge was unceremoniously plopped down on the bed.

"Alright, Hunk," Lance said, looking around. "Can you grab some bandages? I'll grab Pidge some clean clothes."

"Roger that," Hunk saluted and ran out of the room. Lance turned to Pidge.

"You, shower. Now." He pointed in the direction of the bathroom.

"Why?" Pidge asked, purely for the sake of being difficult. A shower actually sounded heavenly right now.

"Because you're all gross and sweaty and bloody. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better afterwards. Oh, and give me your dirty clothes." Pidge stared at him.

"What?!"

"So I can wash them, duh," Lance said. Pidge squinted at him.

"And how, exactly, are you going to get all the blood out?" she asked.

"Cold water," Lance said at the same time as Hunk, who had just returned with an armful of bandages. And Hunk had a lot of arm, so there was enough to treat a small army.

"Ooooookay?" Pidge decided to stop arguing and just clean up already. She did feel kind of gross. Hunk handed her a few bandages and instructed her on how to fold it and use it on her underwear.

"Remember, do it nice and tight and use more bandages than you think you'll need. That way you won't leak and a hubbub like today won't happen again. Sadly, we don't have space pads or tampons, so until we can find some you're gonna have to do this," he said.

"Don't forget to change the bandages out every six to eight hours!" Lance called from where he was rummaging through Pidge's closet, trying to find the comfiest clothing possible.

"Right, yeah. That's important, you gotta get clean bandages every few hours." Pidge nodded, a little overwhelmed.

"AHA!" Lance crowed triumphantly, pulling out a pair of what looked like alien sweatpants. "Now I just need to find a comfy shirt to match. Except of course," he gave Pidge the stink eye. "I'm pretty sure you're wearing it right now. So it's dirty."

"Oh, she can borrow one of mine," Hunk offered. "All my shirts are comfy."

"Hmm, yeah I don't think so, buddy. She'll drown in one of your shirts. I'll just give her one of mine, plus this undershirt. In the meantime," Lance pointed at the bathroom again. "Go shower, you dirty woman, you."

"Alright, alright!" Pidge couldn't help but laugh as the boys shoved her into the bathroom, along with bandages and fresh clothing (minus the shirt). The door shut and she turned on the water.

"How do you guys know all this stuff anyway," she called through the bathroom door. "I mean, obviously neither of you experienced it, so…" Lance rolled his eyes.

"I might as well have. I have four sisters, Pidge, two of which are older than me and liked to boss me around." He sniffed. "Periods are, like, old news, man."

"I have two moms. Who sync up. And guess who has to run to the store and buy all the emergency period supplies?" Hunk shrugged. Lance turned to his friend in horror.

"They sync up?!" he exclaimed. "And you're alone? Oh, you poor, poor soul. I at least had other siblings to share my sisters' wrath!" Hunk nodded sagely.

"Yes, it is my burden to bear as an only son," he said solemnly.

"You two are idiots," Pidge said flatly. Ah, the water was finally warm enough.

Pidge took her time, occasionally humming and just letting the warm water clean the sweat and blood off of her body. All too soon she was finished and drying off. Damn it, Lance was right, she did feel better.

She emerged from the bathroom much more relaxed and less murderous than she had been going in. Hunk and Lance were lounging on her bed, arguing about something. They sat up as soon as the bathroom door opened.

"Here ya go, Pidge." Lance tossed a shirt at her which she caught… with her face. She pulled it off and held it up. The green paladin scowled.

"Really, Lance?" She flipped the long-sleeved shirt around to show a picture of the dress meme from way back when. "#TheDress meme? Seriously?"

"Excuse you, but that is a classic. And besides, the dress is totally black and blue, which goes well with your skintone," Lance retorted.

"It's white and gold, Lance," Hunk deadpanned. Lance whirled on his friend.

"No it's not! It's clearly black and blue!" Ah, so that's what they had been arguing about.

"White and gold."

"Black and blue!"

"White and gold!"

"Are you blind?! Black and blue!"

"White and -"

"Enough!" Pidge massaged the bridge of her nose. "This is pointless. Although, the dress was confirmed to be black and blue." Lance shot Hunk a smug look.

"Told you so," he sang. Hunk huffed and looked away. Pidge shook her head and put on the shirt. Oh wow, it was really soft. A little big, though, but no surprise there. She looked up to see Lance and Hunk staring.

"What?" she asked, suddenly self conscious. She was struck by a horrifying thought. "Did I leak through these too?!"

"No no no!" Lance said quickly, waving his hands. "It's just… well…"

"Sweater paws," Hunk whispered in awe. "Oh my God, she's adorable, Lance I can't handle this level of adorableness oh my Goooooooood!" Lance quickly cracked.

"I know right?! Look at her! You'd never know she's actually a demon in disguise!" The two boys continued to squeal over Pidge's adorableness until she'd had enough and rolled the sleeves up to her elbows. Instantly she was met with two sets of puppy dog eyes.

"Awww," they pouted. Pidge snorted.

"God, you two are idiots. But," she looked down and scuffed her feet. "Thanks. For taking care of me like this." She gave the boys a small smile. They blinked, before promptly bursting into tears.

"PIIIIIIIIIDGE!" they wailed, launching themselves at the poor girl. She yelped as they all toppled over in a big heap.

"Guys, what the fuck?!" she cried, squirming underneath the dumbasses clinging to her like a second skin.

"Of course we're gonna take care of you, Pidge!" Lance sobbed. "What are brothers for?!"

"Yeah! Speaking of which," Hunk sat up suddenly. "I'm gonna go see what kinds of chocolatey deliciousness I can whip up." Pidge's eyes widened.

"Chocolate?" she repeated, perking up. Hunk smiled.

"Of course, you can't survive your first period without chocolate," he said warmly. He stood, offering a hand to his friends. "Lance, you coming?"

"Yeah, in a bit. I wanna see if I can find a heating pad. And do you think Alteans have Advil?"

"Not exactly, but I'm sure there's something in the infirmary," Hunk said thoughtfully.

"I'm going with Hunk," Pidge declared, before being hoisted up and dropped on the bed. Again.

"Nope!" Lance popped the p. "You are staying right here and resting. We'll bring you the goods soon."

"Oh my God, you guys, I'm on my period, not dying," Pidge complained.

"But it's your first!" Hunk argued. "It's special. And you're not used to it, so you gotta let your body rest while it acclimates." Pidge scowled.

"I can do that while working on my Lion!" she protested. Lance narrowed his eyes.

"No way. Your ass is gonna stay in this bed for the foreseeable future or so help me, I will chain you to it. Better yet, I'll tell Shiro you refuse to take it easy and he'll give you that disappointed dad look. ¿Comprendes?" Pidge glared but gave in with a huff. She knew that face, it was Lance's "stubborn mule" face.

"Anyway," Hunk said, dragging Lance out the door with him. "You just rest up and chillax for a bit, and we'll be back with chocolatey treats soon."

"And a heating pad and Advil!" Lance reminded him.

"And a heating pad and Advil," Hunk amended. With a final wave, the door shut and Pidge was left alone for the first time in… well, a while actually. She was a little lost at first, not knowing what to do since she had been confined to her bed, but soon shrugged and picked up her tablet.

"I guess I can make plans for the other modifications I'm gonna do to my lion…"

Warning: fairly in-depth explanation of menstruation and human sexuality. Because Alteans are clueless and Keith has been alone for far too long.

Meanwhile…

Allura, Coran, and Keith all turned to Shiro expectantly. He blanched, silently cursing Lance for putting him in this position.

"Is Pidge really going to be okay, Shiro?" Coran asked.

"Yes, Coran," Shiro said tiredly. "She is perfectly fine, this is natural for a girl her age."

"Then what's going on?" Keith demanded. Shiro knew he was itching to follow the others and make sure Pidge was really alright. Part of him was glad that Keith had grown so attached to this patchwork family of theirs, but most of him was just exasperated at his ignorance.

Not that it was Keith's fault. Shiro had totally forgotten about giving his pseudo brother The Talk when he was younger. Oops.

"Um, well it's not something that humans generally talk a lot about, and it's kind of personal so I don't know if Pidge would want me telling you this…" Shiro began, shamelessly attempting to avoid the conversation. Keith gave him a look, as did Allura.

"Be that as it may, anything that concerns the paladins' health must be discussed. We cannot afford to have one paladin down because humans are a private species," Allura said sternly. Her face softened. "I apologize if this makes you uncomfortable, but we really do need to know." Well damn it, how could he refuse now? Shiro took a deep breath.

"Okay, here's the thing. Earth adolescents go through a… maturing process called puberty. The body experiences physical and emotional changes as the adolescent transitions from childhood to adulthood," Shiro explained, his face heating up.

"Oh, I see," Allura nodded. "We had something similar on Altea. It was not pleasant," she grimaced.

"No, Earth puberty isn't really fun either. But male and female humans experience it differently. Pidge is a girl, which means that when she hits puberty, she uh," Shiro cleared his throat. "She experiences a process called menstruation." He was met with three blank stares.

"Men-stru-a-tion?" Coran repeated carefully.

"Yes. It's a process where the uterus - that's one of the main human female reproductive organs - sheds its lining once a month. Then it builds it back up again until the next month." Coran and Allura were puzzled.

"Wait, so this, uterus, sheds its lining why? Wouldn't it be much more efficient to simply build one set of lining and be done with it?" Allura asked. Shiro groaned. This was going to take a while.

"Well, essentially the uterus prepares for pregnancy every month. And if there is no pregnancy, then the uterus has to get rid of the old lining." The Alteans blinked.

"Prepare…? Well, why doesn't it just wait to prepare until the woman is ready?" It was Shiro's turn to blink.

"Um, humans can't control their fertility. Or when they get pregnant. There are some precautions, of course, but they're not foolproof."

"Humans can't control when they reproduce?!" Coran was aghast. "What kind of primitive species are you?!" Shiro chose to ignore that comment.

"But then," Allura looked afraid to ask, but she pressed on. "Why was Pidge bleeding? What exactly is the lining made of?"

"Tissue mostly, and some blood. Which is why Pidge was bleeding." Both Coran and Allura turned white.

"T-tissue?" Allura stammered. "B-blood?"

"It's actually not that much blood. But yeah, menstruation can last anywhere from a couple days to a week."

"S-so human women b-bleed for a week? Every month?" Coran looked ready to pass out. Shiro nodded.

"Yes. And this cycle continued until the woman reaches menopause, which is basically the opposite of menstruation." Allura sat down heavily.

"Your poor people. Doesn't it hurt?" she asked, shell shocked. Shiro grimaced.

"Most women usually suffer from some abdominal pain, called cramps, during menstruation. And there's also PMS, or premenstrual syndrome, where the hormone changes affect their mood and energy levels."

"My word," Coran said faintly as he too sat down. The two traumatized Alteans didn't seem to have any more questions, so Shiro attempted to slide out the door as discretely as possible. Unfortunately, he'd forgotten about Keith.

"So Pidge is in pain, now?" he leveled Shiro with a glare. Shiro sighed. He seemed to be doing that a lot today.

"Maybe, but it's not life threatening. I'm sure Lance and Hunk are taking good care of her, they seemed to know what they were doing," he replied. Keith blinked.

"Okay then… but then what happens if a girl gets pregnant? Does she stop bleeding?" Shiro just stared at him. And stared some more. Keith began to squirm.

"What?" he snapped defensively. "It's just a question!"

"Did… did they… You mean, they never taught this in school at all? Not even in biology?" Shiro asked, slowly realizing that no, the day was not over and it was about to get a whole lot more awkward. Keith threw his hands up.

"No, they always said 'ask your parents' or 'you'll learn when you're older' or some crap like that." Wow, Shiro hadn't realized the education system had failed Keith so spectacularly.

"Okay then," the black paladin said slowly. "So let's start from the top. Do you know how pregnancy works?"

"Uh, women grow babies in their stomachs? Somehow?" Shiro's face fell into his hands with a muffled groan. Oh God, someone kill him now.

Better yet, he was going to kill Lance after this.

"No Keith, women do not grow babies in their stomachs," Shiro moaned. Keith's eyebrows furrowed.

"Then how does it work?" Shiro closed his eyes and sent out a silent plea to Black. Maybe she could lend him strength.

He got back a jolt of surprise, then understanding, then sharp amusement. Apparently Black was going to be no help in this situation.

"Okay, listen," Shiro rubbed the back of his neck in mortification. "Humans reproduce… sexually. That is, they have sexual intercourse in order to get pregnant."

"Oh, Alteans do the same thing!" Coran piped up from where he and Allura had been listening. "Though it's also done purely for pleasure."

"Right. Yeah. Humans too," Shiro said awkwardly. His blush deepened. Oh God, his face was going to be permanently red from now on, wasn't it?

"Anyway," Shiro coughed. "Please tell me you at least know how sex works." Keith blushed but nodded. Oh, thank God.

"Good. So, um, when the man, uh, ejaculates," he was trying to keep this as scientific as possible, for all their sakes. "He is actually releasing sperm, which are little cells that can swim. Like fish." Keith blanched.

"We have fish in our balls?!" Shiro sat down and resisted the urge to slam his face into the table. Repeatedly.

"No, Keith, they're not fish," Shiro corrected. "They're cells. Anyway, the sperm swim up to find one of the woman's eggs -"

"Wait, girls lay eggs?!" Keith interrupted. "I was hatched?!" Momentarily speechless, Shiro watched in growing horror as Keith became more frantic.

"NO! No, Keith, humans do not lay eggs!" he cried.

"But you said -"

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, my boy," Coran patted Keith's shoulder soothingly. "Many species lay eggs. Why, I remember my friend's second cousin mated an Avianese man, and she shifted her physiology so that she could lay eggs like a proper Avianese wife! In fact -"

"ANYWAY," Shiro interrupted loudly. "Humans don't lay eggs, Keith. The egg I'm talking about is a cell, a cell that the sperm fertilizes to create an embryo which eventually grows into a baby." Keith, now reassured he was not going to start sprouting feathers or scales, looked vaguely interested.

"So, it's kind of like forming Voltron? Except with two cells instead of five?"

"Uh, not exactly, but…" Shiro gave up. "Close enough. Anyway, the embryo makes its way to the uterus where it grows for nine months before being born as a baby."

"Fascinating," Allura leaned forward, apparently forgetting the trauma from earlier. "And how many eggs do human females have?" Shiro desperately tried to remember his high school sex ed class.

"Uh, about a million I think. At least, that's how many girls are born with." Keith's eyes widened.

"Woah. So Pidge has, like, a million tiny almost-Voltrons in her body? Cool." Shiro stared at him before deciding that particular fight wasn't worth it.

"Anyway, that's the gist of it. So if you don't mind, I'm going to clean up and then check on Pidge so…" Shiro trailed off, already striding towards the door.

"Wait, Shiro!" Allura caught his arm right as he reached the doorway. Damn, so close. "You've only explained human female reproduction. How does it work on the male's end?" Shiro paled.

He really did not sign up for this shit.

Author's Ramblings: Poor Shiro needs a break but he's so much fun to torture muahahaha. Also, I wrote this mainly because I wanted the Garrison trio to have some quality bonding time, and I totally believe that neither Lance nor Hunk would be phased by periods. Such precious boys. The Talk part kind of got away from me, but clueless Keith and traumatized Alteans are too hard to resist (remember their reactions to milkshakes?).

On a side note, I wrote this all in one sitting so I'm pretty proud of myself. Hooray!