A/N: Big thanks to my awesome beta and friend Aya, I wouldn't be able to finish this without you.

Beta'ed By: Aya Salim, who has her own Icerde fiction which I totally recommend to read.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own them despite how much I wish.

Never Close Your Eyes

For Sarp Yilmaz a lot of things have improved in his life recently.

He was officially a cop now and the whole world knew that. He no longer has to be treated like a criminal or Celal's dog. He could now raise his head among his workmates, he could do his actual job which he loves so much and has waited for so long to officially do. And his mother could finally raise her head up in front of everyone and show how proud she was of her son. Everyone looked at him now with respect and admiration—even jealousy sometimes—for the great achievement he had accomplished by eliminating Celal and his gang. He had been rewarded in a big honorable way, but the most important thing through it all had been finding his little brother.

After long years of living with guilt and sadness, of hanging between daring to hope and drowning in despair. After he literally had been through hell and back in his search for his brother, after he had to suffer silently at the mercy of one word from Coshkun or Celal's mouth. After all the pain and tears, he had finally found Umut.

He had taken him in his arms and everything in the world was alright again. He heard "Abi" coming out from his mouth and his heart's gashing wound seemed to finally heal. He was finally able to keep his promise to their mother and bring Umut home and for the first time in a long time he was able to breathe, sleep and live with relief again.

And despite all of that Sarp wasn't truly happy. He tried to act happy, tried to look happy, but deep inside he really wasn't—couldn't. How could he when his baby brother was locked behind bars? When they didn't even have the chance of enough time together; he had just got him back only to lose him again to jail this time.

It made Sarp feel sick to think of the unfairness of it all. His brother was the victim here; he had been through a lot, he had suffered for so long, he was manipulated by Celal. It was true that he had made some mistakes, but the price he had already paid was more than enough. He wasn't supposed to pay for his father's mistakes or Celal's—the son of a bitch—or anyone else in the entire world for that matter. And the whole mess of it still lay like a ton of bricks over Sarp's chest, preventing him from feeling any kind of joy or happiness.

The worst part for Sarp was the helplessness of it all. He was a cop and he knew Umut had to follow the rules and not uphold the law. He needed to do his time in jail so he could eventually have a life and a future, so he could be with his family without fear or hiding.

But that didn't stop Sarp from doing everything in his hands to help his brother. He had made the necessary arrangements to make sure Umut was as safe as possible in there. He had made sure no one could ever hurt him or even lay a finger on a single hair on his head. He had given absolute and restrict orders that the guards were to keep a close eye on him twenty-four-seven, to protect him from any possible threat before it even had the chance to happen.

These thoughts were running through Sarp's head, increasing his longing for his brother as he headed for the organization station and once he entered the building he found chief Haluk in his face

"Sarp, I was just looking for you and was about to call. Let's go talk in my office, please."

Sarp was taken aback but still followed the chief to his office. After they sat down he asked, "What's going on, Chief?!"

"Sarp, unfortunately I have some bad news that I just received."

Sarp swallowed hard. "About what, Chief?"

"I need you to stay calm, son."

"Well, you actually started to scare me, Chief." Said Sarp, laughing nervously

"It's about Umut."

Sarp tensed immediately. "What about Umut?!"

"Apparently he wasn't feeling very well, caught some fever last night and they transferred him to the hospital so he could be treated properly."

"Oh, my God! What's wrong with him?! Is it serious? He was just fine—"

"Sarp, Sarp, calm down, son. Don't freak out, as I heard we still don't know what's exactly wrong with him but it's probably just a case of flu that went bad or something like that. Don't worry, we sent him to the hospital so he could get the best care available."

Was the Chief actually asking him not to worry? Not to freak out? As if it was even possible! The Second the chief had used the words Umut, not feeling well, and hospital in the same sentence Sarp felt like a big wave of fear clutching at his heart and right now he was so close to losing it. All he wanted to do was run to his brother, to see him with his own eyes, to touch him and take him in his arms and make sure he was fine and safe.

"Sarp, you still with me?"

"Ah, yes, Chief. If you excuse me I have to go to the hospital to check on Umut myself and figure out what's wrong."

"Of course, Sarp that's what I was going to tell you to do anyway. Go and stay by your brother's side and don't worry about a thing. And don't forget to let us know how he is doing."

"Sure, Chief. Thank you!"

Sarp ran directly to his car, speeding to the hospital while million thoughts ran through his head and bad images flashed in front of his eyes. He considered calling his mother and Eylem but he didn't want to worry them, hoping that the case with Umut would be simple as the Chief said and, hopefully, it was just a flu and Umut would get better soon and by the time of his jail visit he would be totally healed and they wouldn't know there was ever anything wrong.

Sarp reached the hospital and immediately showed his police ID, informing them that Umut was his brother and demanded the news about him.

After couple of minutes, the doctor in charge of Umut came and introduced himself before he started to explain Umut's situation.

"He has a high fever that was caused by some infection in his throat but not to worry, it's not a dangerous one. We gave him some antibiotic to fight off the infection and some other medications to reduce the fever. We also provided him with some fluids so he doesn't get dehydrated and we will keep a watchful eye on him."

"So, he is gonna be okay?"

"If the medications work well and there's no more complications, he should be fine in a couple of days."

Sarp let go of a breath he didn't realize he was holding. "Thanks doctor. Can I see him?"

"He is mostly out of it because of the fever and wont wake up for a while but if you want to wait beside him, that's okay. He is in the third room to your left. Oh, and I must warn you he might have some hallucinations due to the fever which is normal in his case. Until the fever gets down we can't do anything about it."

Sarp thanked him again and hurried to the room. Umut was there lying on bed; his cheeks were red from the fever, many wires providing him with medication and fluids were hooked to his hands.

Sarp stepped forward and took Umut's hand in his own and carefully studied his features and sighed."Oh, Umut, how many little heart attacks are you willing to give me?! You love driving your big brother crazy with worry, don't you?"

Umut stayed still and Sarp noticed that he was shivering a little every once in a while and though he knew it was the fever, he couldn't help but to try and tuck the sheets around him in order to provide him with some warmth. His hands found its way to Umut's hair, smoothing it and brushing away the locks of golden hair that fell over his closed eyes.

Sarp hated to just sit there and watch while Umut suffered the effects of the fever, so he went to the room's bathroom to wet a washcloth and put it over his brother's head to help reduce the fever. He wasn't going anywhere until Umut woke up, okay and without any remaining effects of the fever or the damn infection.

Umut started mumbling something and Sarp thought he may be waking up.

"Umut, hey, buddy, can you hear me?"

But his brother, as the doctor had said, was so out of it with his eyes firmly closed. Then Sarp realized it might be the hallucinations the doctor had mentioned and at that moment the mumbling gets louder

"Please, please stop!"

Damn. It seemed like they were really unpleasant hallucinations. Sarp thought.

"Ah! Please, Coshkun! Please stop hurting me, I won't do it again I swear—ahhh."

Sarp suddenly felt like his blood was boiling, realizing in horror that the kid was reliving one of his horrible childhood moments.

"Stop it, Coshkun, stopppp! I swear I will make you regret someday! I swear I will find you!"

Umut said, emotional and physical pain making his voice go hoarse, his body shaking now. Sarp tried to put his hands on him to steady him; he was so heartbroken to witness what his baby brother had to suffer when he was just a poor little child. But in the same time, he couldn't help but feel proud of the kid, of how brave he was, of how he had reacted in the face of pain and Coshkun's torture.

Umut was shaking violently now, head heavily rolling from side to the other, sweat covering his face and he was wrestling with his sheets like he was fighting an invisible enemy.

"No! Melek, NOOOOOO ! Don't hurt her, DON'TTTTT! Come face me instead you coward. MELEKKKKKK!"

There were tears running down his face now.

"Ahhhhhh! I will kill you one day! I will kill you I swear to God. Stoppppppp!"

Sarp's own tears were running freely down his face without even realizing; he felt like he was burning with rage. He wanted to go right now to Coshkun's cell to beat the crap out of him and choke him to death with his own bare hands. He wanted to get Celal out of his grave just to kill him all over again, very painfully and slowly. He wanted to revive his father to punch him in the face. He wanted to burn the whole world. He wanted to go back in time and take his brother from their hands and run very far away to keep him safe and protect him from everyone or any possible harm, Actually, no—he wanted to go back in time to the moment he had closed his eyes only to reopen them and find out that his brother was taken away from him, He wanted to go back and never close them, never let his baby brother out of his sight. He would never close them again if he had to. Ever!

He was bitterly sobbing now; hot tears falling from his eyes and landing on his brother's hospital sheets.

He hated it.

Hated how they hurt his brother, hated how he couldn't do a simple thing about it. He looked at his brother's face, expression twisted in pain and horror, as more tears kept coming out of the tightly closed eyelids. Even at the present moment, he still couldn't do anything about it—he couldn't help his brother, not even protect him from his own horrific thoughts and memories. He could only sit and watch while Umut once more suffered in front of him. God! He hated it. Each one of them is once again suffering in his own world without being able to reach the other. And that fact alone was devastating at so many levels

"Shshshsh, Umut, it's okay. It's okay, kardesim , your abi is here. Can you hear me, Umut? They can't get to you now. They can't. Shshsh, calm down, kardesim, Calm down."

Sarp whispered in his brother's ear, knowing Umut couldn't hear him, that he probably couldn't reach out to him but he didn't care, he just couldn't stand to sit there and watch helplessly. He squeezed Umut's hand and stroked his head, He tried to somehow comfort him and make things less awful.

He couldn't help but think about his brother as just an innocent, little child, standing in the face of Coshkun alone in order to protect Melek, Oh, his poor kids, how much they suffered! And oh, Umut; how brave you are! How selfless! How amazing!

Sarp couldn't understand how wrong he had seen the very same man in front of his eyes before—more accurately, how he hadn't given himself the chance to see him. For him, Mert Karadag was an arrogant bastard—a sarcastic man, who turned out to be a betrayer no less. He had just jumped the gun and judged him without even trying to know him. He never understood how lonely he was—didn't give himself the chance to—how hurt and broken underneath the fake facade Mert constantly put in display, never understood the attitude was just a shell that hid a lot of pain and fragility behind it

Instead of trying to see what his mother and Eylem saw in him he had just rejected him, let himself be annoyed and jealous of how close Mert had managed to get to them. Maybe if he had just taken a moment to ask them he would have seen through the clouds. Maybe he would have somehow figured the connection between them and saved them both the wasted time, but he had let himself be blinded. Once again he had let Umut down.

Once again, it was his entire fault.

The mumbling sounds of his brother brought him back to the present, saving him from his thoughts.

"I didn't mean to, Chief Yusuf, you don't understand! I'm not a bad guy. No, Eylem! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you so much! Please don't go, don't let me be alone again, Abi, Annem, Will you forgive me, Please don't leave me alone, don't leave me, I'm so sorry, don't leave me..."

Umut's tears were falling again, his whole body once more shaking so bad and that was it for Sarp. He slowly raised Umut's upper body and sat carefully at the head of the bed then rested Umut's head on his chest, cradling him in his arms and wiped the tears from his face and for the second time tried to whisper in his ears.

"Umut, I'm here, kardesim! I will never leave you alone, it's okay, you don't have to worry, I will always be here. You will never be alone."

But as before, Sarp wasn't getting much success then a thought hit him. He started to sing a lullaby that he used to sing to Umut when he was young and they were still together. Back then when his brother would go sneaking into his bed on those nights, when lightening cut through the darkness of the night and thunder followed in tow, seeking that safety that was his abi.

And to his surprise, Umut started to relax, tears stopping, mumbling fading to a low whisper, faint shivers replaced the previous tremors wracking his body, and finally his brother gradually calmed down. Sarp kept singing, slowly rocking him—one hand on Umut's hair and the other over his chest, his heart, willing it to heal its wounds and scars, willing it to keep beating, keep being brave. Keep being the fighter he was.

Sarp didn't know when his own eyes started to close. He woke up to find the night had replaced the sunlight, Umut still sleeping in his arms, a lot more peacefully now. He felt his head and found that his fever was finally breaking.

The doctor came after a while, he checked on Umut and assured Sarp that his fever indeed broke and he was doing much better. The infection also starting to fade thanks to the antibiotic and that Umut would wake up soon.

Sarp thanked him and an hour later Umut was awake

"Abi?!"

"Hey! Hello, kardesim, finally deciding to join the land of livings?"

"What happened? Where am I?"

"The hospital. You got a high fever yesterday due to some infection and were transferred here. You were pretty out of it but you are doing much better now, how you feeling?"

"Kinda tired; my head hurts a little and exhausted like I had the most uncomfortable sleep ever but other than that not bad."

"Well, the fever gave you some hard time; do you remember any certain nightmares?"

Sarp felt Umut tensing and he looked at his hands avoiding Sarp's gaze

"Oh, no, not really."

Sarp got close and held Umut's hand, "Hey, look at me."

Umut lifted his face and looked to Sarp in the eyes

"Look, I understand if you don't want to talk now, I know you had been through a lot, I know you had many horrible days, I know you survived hell and that you carry your own scars and I know it's not easy for you to show your weakness but I will always be here. If things were too much, if you ever needed to let it out, I will always be here. Your pain is my pain and we are gonna work through it together. You don't have to face it or anything else alone anymore. You don't have to feel like you are on your own again. You never have to worry about being alone EVER again. And, hey, no one will be able to hurt you in any possible way EVER AGAIN, I promise you, kardesim."

Umut's eyes shined with unshed tears, filling with undying and huge love for his big brother and he might actually, for the first time in his life, let himself believe. Let himself feel safe and protected beside his brother.

"Thanks, abi I know. I love you and you are the first and only person I ever trust this with."

Sarp kissed his head and took him in his arms, holding him and intending to keep his promise no matter what, till the last day of his life.

He would never lose Umut again. He would never close his eyes again.

Abi: big brother

Kardesim: my brother

Annem: my mother