Hey there. How's it going? What's your name?

Actually, you know what? Don't tell me, because I don't fucking care.

…Still, I suppose some introductions are in order.

My name is Lincoln Loud, and I'm in Hell.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about 1216 Franklin Avenue, Royal Woods, Michigan, also known as the "Loud House" – the most miserable, God-forsaken place on Earth. Don't believe me? Grab a seat and a stiff drink, because I'm about to tell you all about this shithole I call home, and all the assholes that live in it…

(…)

It all starts with my parents, Rita and Lynn, Sr. Here's the one big thing about the two of them – they're hardcore Catholics. That means church every Sunday (for a while, it stopped when I was about six), no taking the name of the Lord in vain (yeah, fuck that, too), grace at dinner (about the only thing we can be grateful to God for in this house), and, most importantly, no abortions. None. Nada. Zip. It's murder, and murder is a sin (yeah, the one sin they're not willing to commit).

And that's how they ended up with eleven kids.

Yeah, eleven. Could've just stopped at one, but nooo, they don't believe in contraception, either. So, from what Lori tells me, for the first few years, things were just peachy. First came her, and they could handle her. Then came Leni, and she was goddamn frustrating, but tolerable. But then Luna came along, and things started going downhill, fast. They started arguing, and they haven't stopped since. Dad started leaving on longer and longer "business trips", and he started drinking. (And Dad gets mean when he's drunk.) As the kids just kept coming and coming, Mom eventually just stopped caring about all the shit that happened to or because of us, thinking that there was nothing she could do about it.

And oh, yeah – they don't believe in divorce, either. "For better or for worse", huh?

Well, it does get worse.

Much worse.

Let me give you the rundown on all ten of my sisters.

First, there's Lori, like I said. Yeah, she's hot, but God, what a fucking bitch. No, I don't blame her for what happened to her, but God damn it, Lori, you don't have to take it out on us! I mean, she is rude, bossy, and violent more times than not – always ordering the rest of us around, and cracking the whip if we give her any shit about it. I swear, she gets off on it, sometimes… I think she hates me the most, calling me "fag", "asshole", "little shit" – shit like that, you know. Yeah, feeling's mutual, whore.

And yet, despite all that, she continues to fuck me…

…No, that's not a cool thing, you fucking idiot! You haven't heard the full story yet, so sit the fuck down, and shut the hell up!

It started back when I was eight. It was one of those rare moments when Dad was actually staying home for an extended period of time… and he didn't fail to take notice of how puberty had caused Lori to start blossoming into a beautiful young woman.

I didn't realize what was going on, due to, you know, just being a fucking kid and all; all I noticed was that Lori was crying a lot, and seemed to be really afraid of Dad for some reason. Whenever I tried to help her out, she just snapped at me.

Then, one night, she came to my room.

I asked her what she was doing there. She said she needed to hide from Dad. So, she slipped into my bed.

After a while, she started feeling me up. I asked her what she was doing.

She got up on top of me, and asked if I wanted to have sex.

Being, you know, fucking eight, I didn't even know what sex was. After Lori explained it to me, I thought about it, and I wondered if that was really something that siblings should do. I decided that no, it wasn't (yeah, no shit, right?), so I said no.

And how did Lori respond?

She started fucking strangling me.

No bullshit – she had her hands around my fucking neck, squeezing the fucking life out of me. Part of me wishes that she'd done it, you know? Just fucking killed me, right then and there. But nope – God wasn't finished with me yet, the sick fuck. Lori took her hands off my neck, and I lay there, gasping for breath (until Lori covered my mouth to shut me up, so I had to suck in air through my nose). Then Lori leaned in close and whispered (and I quote):

"Lincoln. Do. You want. To have. Sex?"

That's when I realized that I didn't really have any choice in the matter.

And that's how I got my cherry popped, in the worst way possible.

I swear, Dad must have been out there, outside my door, listening to us fucking (or more accurately, listening to her fucking me), because the next morning, he beat the shit out of me for touching "his" property, while making Lori watch. God, it's not like I had a choice, Dad! Of course, that didn't stop her from continuing to see me so that she wouldn't have to see Dad. (I think she also wants someone she can control…) Doesn't happen so often anymore, though – Dad's "business trips" have been getting longer and longer (I swear, it's only a matter of time until he leaves and just never comes back), and when he does come home, Lori gets out of here. Thank fuck she got herself a boyfriend – her precious "Bobby Boo-Boo Bear". Whenever Dad's home, she stays over at his place.

But whenever she can't go to Bobby, for whatever reason… she comes to me.

Which means I have to put up with more beatings from Dad.

Well, that about sums up Lori. I'm fucking tired of talking about her, anyways…

My next oldest sister is Leni. Leni's into fashion, and… yeah, I'm not gonna beat around the bush, here…

Leni's a fucking retard.

I mean that – I think there was something about her not getting enough oxygen at birth, but whatever the fuck caused it, she thinks zebra is a color. If that's not retarded, I don't know what fucking is…

But you know what? I don't hate her for that. No, I actually fucking don't. Yeah, it's annoying sometimes, but I think it's kinda cute, you know? Helps that she's smoking hot – guess beauty for brains is a fair trade…

Mom and Lori don't think it's cute, though. Whenever Leni fucks up in some way (which happens often), one or both of them hit and slap her to the ground, calling her shit like "dumbass", "retard", "stupid", "idiot" – you get the idea, don't you?

And you know what else? I actually feel sorry for her. Really, I do. I mean, shit, she's like a kicked puppy, you know? It's not like she knows what she did wrong – doesn't help that Mom and Lori never fucking tell her, either, before they start slapping the shit out of her. They're not even teaching her a lesson or anything – she's just their punching bag, for Christ's sake.

So, Leni cries, and she comes to me, and I console her the only way her retard mind can register affection:

With my dick.

You see, word travels quickly in a big family living in a small house. It wasn't long until everyone had found out about Lori and I fucking. Mom, of course, couldn't give two shits, and Dad knew already, but it got my other older sisters interested. Leni heard it felt good, and that it's something that's done between two people who love each other a whole lot, so whenever Mom or Lori hurts her, she always comes to me for "kissies", apparently because I'm not as rough as Dad. Oh, yeah – Dad rapes Leni too, though Leni, bless her retard heart, doesn't even realize it's rape; she just thinks Dad loves her enough to give her "kissies". (The farthest he's ever gone with Luna and Luan is feel them up once or twice, and he's never touched Lynn at all. I guess he just likes blondes…)

So, yeah, I fuck Leni, too. And you know, I never turn her down, even if I'm tired. Because even if Leni's retarded, she's still a real sweetheart. In fact, she's one of the two people in this house that I don't hate – I'll get to the other one later. I think it's cute how she says she wants to have my baby. Oh, yeah – babies. I'll get to that later, too.

Anyways, next up is Luna. She thinks she's a rock star, and so she's always going around the house, playing her goddamn rock music.

It's loud. And annoying.

She also talks in this stupid British accent sometimes, like her idol Mick Swagger. Oh, and all the crazy shit that goes down in our house? She uses it as song material. Fucking bitch…

I mean, yeah, sure, Luna's pretty cool most of the time – she's not a bad guitar player, and she's the one who introduced me to smoking and drinking. (They really help calm my nerves.)

But here's the thing: I can't actually buy more beer and smokes, what with being eleven and all, so I have to go to Luna to get more. (She's got people who buy that shit for her.)

And when I can't pay with money… I have to pay with sex.

Hell, sometimes, when I've had a bunch of good hauls from Clyde – oh yeah, Clyde. Clyde McBride's this little dweeb who goes to my school. He's got two fags for parents, so that's hilarious. He's also got a huge crush on my eldest sister. Heh… I've fucked Lori more times than he ever will, and I don't hesitate to let him know it every time I frisk him for money.

Anyways, sometimes, when I've had a bunch of good hauls from Clyde, and haven't fucked Luna in a while, I'll go to my room one night, and I'll find Luna sitting there in her B&P, and she always says the same stupid shit:

"It's my turn tonight, bro."

Like, what the hell is that even supposed to mean? My older sisters don't take turns – they just fuck me whenever they feel like it!

So, yeah – one way or another, I end up fucking Luna.

Then there's Luan. You know something? I don't even think Luan and I are biologically related. See, the thing with Luan is, one day, Dad brought her home as a baby from one of his "business trips". He wouldn't tell Mom anything other than "no, she's not adopted". Now that we've both gotten older, I can't help but notice that Luan's hair is a lighter shade of brown than anyone else in our family, and that the bone structure in her face is just a little bit different from the others'…

…I think I know where Dad really goes on his "business trips", now.

Anyways, about Luan herself… well, she's fucking annoying, is what she is. She's always cracking jokes; always pulling pranks; always making puns; always carrying around that fucking puppet…! Oh, she laughs and smiles all the time, but I know her. She's just as broken as the rest of us. That's why she goes fucking psycho on all of us on April Fools' Day – it's just her way of getting back at all of us for the shit that we do.

And yep, you guessed it – I fuck Luan, too. Not as much as the others, though – just sometimes, when she's feeling especially sad on the inside. She'll come to my bed, or if there's already another one of our sisters there, she'll drag me out and over to her bed. And we fuck 'till the break of dawn, when she falls asleep.

Did I mention that Luan cries in her sleep?

It's loud. And annoying.

So, yeah, I've gone a lot of sleepless nights. Now do you see why I'm always so fucking cranky?!

Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "Oh, Lincoln, quit complaining – you've got a sweet deal! Sure, your parents are shitty, but at least you've got a bunch of hot older sisters to fuck!" Well, asshat, first of all, it's so not sweet to be forced into having sex with your sisters. Yes, forced – what, you think I can always just say "no"? Well, hear me say it now: no, I fucking can't! Because besides what happened with Lori, like I said earlier, I tried saying "no" to Luna once, when I was really tired, and she smashed her fucking guitar over my head! (Lucky for me, it was her acoustic, otherwise I wouldn't be here talking to you – or maybe unlucky, in that case…) If I didn't learn before then that saying "no" to sex wasn't an option, then I sure as shit learned it then! (I mean, I know Leni would never hurt a fly, and I would never turn down sex with her anyways, but I don't even want to imagine what Luan or Lynn would do to me!)

Second of all, if it was just the four of them, it would be tolerable. Not satisfying, but tolerable. But you haven't heard the worst yet, oh no…

There's a demon living in this house, and her name is Lynn Loud, Jr.

God, I fucking hate Lynn. She's athletic, competitive, tomboyish – and a total nympho. Seriously, out of all my older sisters, I've easily fucked Lynn the most, hands down. Here's an average day with Lynn and I:

In the morning, assuming there's no other sister in my bed (and sometimes even then), I wake up with my cock in Lynn's mouth. She bids me good morning, and we get right to it. That's one.

Then, after we're done, we grab breakfast while we're still all sweaty, and after we're done eating, she'll insist on us taking a shower together, to "save water". Yeah, bullshit. That's two.

Then, as soon as I get home, she pounces on me, dragging me out to the backyard. You see, Lynn likes the excitement of doing it in places where we could possibly be seen – she gets off on it. Actually, I think we were seen, once. Yeah, by our neighbor, Mr. Grouse. He stuck his head out the window to yell at us again, and he saw Lynn and I rutting in the backyard. He just stared at us, then went back inside. I thought that would make Lynn stop, but nope – she just went at it harder than ever. Anyways… that's three.

Then, when I hop into the shower to get ready for bed, she hops in with me – again, to "save water". That's four.

THEN, after I've hopped into bed, she'll come crawling in in the night, for "just one more before bed". That's five.

Five rounds. At least. That's an average day with Lynn. And that's not even counting my other older sisters!

Lynn is the fucking worst.

And finally, we come to me – the only boy, right in the fucking middle. Yeah, I think you've listened to me talk long enough to know everything there is to know about me. Well, everything except where my freakish white hair came from. Oh, I know they say I inherited it from my Pop-Pop, but I also know how Mr. Grouse visits every so often to see my mom. He was doing it as far back as when I was conceived… Dad knows about it, even – he lets Mr. Grouse fuck Mom to keep him from telling the authorities about the shitstorm that is our family. (Not that he would anyways, the cranky old fuck…) Flip, from Flip's Food and Fuel downtown, also likes to visit Mom, too. I heard that he found out about us years ago, and blackmailed Dad into letting him fuck Mom in exchange for his silence. And I haven't confirmed this, but I heard from Lucy that Mom's also been seeing her boss, Mr. Feinstein, at work.

So, yeah, I don't really know who exactly my dad is.

All I know is… it's not my dad.

Actually, that goes for most of my younger sisters, too. Out of all of them, I can only say for certain that Lisa is my mom's and my dad's.

First, there's Lucy. I don't really know who her father is, actually – mainly due to the fact that she's a fucking albino. Yes, really. That's one reason why she wears the greasy black wig and hides in the shadows all the time. The other reason, obviously, is that she's a goddamn emo – reading depressing shit, writing depressing poetry, trying out bullshit black magic, cutting her wrists, and all that. Unlike most emos, though, Lucy actually has a damn good reason to be emo. I mean, have you been fucking listening to me talk? She's trapped in this fucking dungeon of a house, just like me.

Oh, and also, she likes to pop out of dark corners, or even out of fucking nowhere, just to scare the living shit out of people. She does it all the fucking time, I swear. I've even belted her for it more than once. Didn't stop her.

Then… ugh… I hate to even say it… then there's the twins, Lola and Lana. Okay, get this: they're not even Mom's – they're Lori's. Dad did the honors himself, the randy old fuck, and being a good little Christian, he wouldn't hear of having them aborted… God, I swear, out of everyone in this entire goddamn house, I hate those two little cunts the most – and that's really saying something. Lola's this bratty little bitch in the making who thinks she's a pretty, pretty princess – hey, news flash, "princess", but genetic abominations don't get to become princesses! (…Oh, wait, yes they do – it's part of history.) And Lana's this filthy little pig in human skin who likes to roll around in the mud and eat out of the garbage and shit. It's fucking gross.

Whenever I have to take out my frustrations on something (which is pretty much all the time), I turn to them. With Lola, I usually rip out her hair, or tear up her dolls and stuffed animals, or take her upstairs to the bathroom and dunk her head in the toilet. She hates that. And with Lana, I usually kick her in the stomach repeatedly, or kill one of her freaky pets in front of her, or take her upstairs to the bathroom and dunk her in the bathtub. She really hates that. Or, if it's been a long day, I'll just give one or both of them a black eye, and be done with it. And there isn't shit they can do about it – not with Mom not giving a fuck anymore – except hide and pray I don't find them.

One time, though, they did try to get back at me. Lola baked some cookies in one of her little girl ovens and tricked me into eating them. It was only after I'd eaten them that she told me that Lana's shit had been mixed into the batter.

That's right – they tricked me into eating Lana's shit.

They had a good laugh, alright – but I had the last laugh. You wanna know what I did? After throwing up, obviously, I went out to the garage, got a pair of pliers, went back, caught those two little fucks…

…and I yanked out their front teeth.

Then I fed them to each other – Lola's teeth to Lana, and Lana's to Lola.

Then I kicked the shit out of them.

That taught them not to fuck with me ever again.

Jesus… I'm getting sick just thinking about those two. Moving on…

Like I said before, only one of my younger sisters is Mom's and Dad's – and that's because, when he's actually at home, Dad likes to exercise his "rights as a husband" with Mom, whether she wants it or not.

And that's how Lisa came to be.

God, Lisa… how can I fucking describe Lisa? She's only four years old, yet somehow, she's already fucking graduated college! She's a Junior Nobel Prize winner, too. She's an arrogant, stuck-up, know-it-all little bitch… at least, from what little I know about her. Most of the time, she stays in her room, doing God-knows-what kind of mad science-y shit. Pretty much the only times I ever see her on a normal day is when I bring her her meals; she just stares at me through the crack in the door, then takes the food and shuts the door. Freaky little fuck…

Sometimes, though, we're lucky to have her step outside her room – and by "lucky", I mean "chosen for some secret experiment with no regard for our own safety".

Fuck Lisa.

Now, at this point (or at some point long before it), you might be wondering, "Lincoln, why the fuck are you staying in that fucking house if you're so fucking miserable there?" Yeah, I'll admit, I've toyed with the idea of running away more than once in the past. But every time, I realized – where the fuck would I go? The world inside my house might be hellish, but it's the only world I know. And after she came along, I stopped factoring just myself into the equation…

Who's "she"? Well, finally, there's my youngest sister, Lily.

The thing about Lily is, you see…

Well, she's mine.

Yeah, you heard that right: Lily's my daughter. (I know I'm only eleven years old, all right? I'm an early bloomer – now shut the fuck up!)

So, who's the lucky gal, I hear you ask?

Well call me Eddie Puss, because I fucked my mother.

It happened once, about a year ago. Dad was home, he'd argued with Mom again, and this time, left her with a nasty black eye. I don't know what I was thinking, or what came over me that day, but I decided that enough was enough.

That night, I snuck into Mom and Dad's room and hid in the closet. After Dad had gotten out of the shower, I hopped out and surprised Mom. When Dad came downstairs to exercise his "rights", he found his bedroom door locked from the inside. Mom asked what I was doing, and I started groping her tits. Dad started to pound on the door, asking what the fuck was going on.

I yelled back that I was going to fuck his wife, and that there wasn't anything he could do about it.

Dad pounded on the door even harder, but I propped a chair up against it and started undressing Mom. Mom was against it at first, but she started to get into it real quick. I guess she was intrigued at getting back at her husband not just by cucking him, but by cucking him with his own son. (Okay, I know I'm not really his son, but you get the idea.) Dad started yelling about how he was gonna kick my ass, and I yelled back about how he should just go fuck Lori or Leni, since he seemed to prefer to do that anyway. So, he marched upstairs and did just that – but not before letting me know that I was gonna get it in the morning.

I heard thumping and loud sobs upstairs as I fucked Mom all night.

Dad wasn't kidding – the next morning he really let me have it in front of everyone. That beating may very well be the worst beating I had ever gotten in my entire life. Seriously – after it was over, all I could do for the longest time was lie there in a puddle of my own blood, while the others just stood over me and watched (Dad forbade them from helping me in any way). The twins nodded in satisfaction, and Lori spat on me repeatedly. I guess she was the one that Dad raped the night before.

That sure taught me not to try anything like that ever again. Dad left that day, Mom became pregnant, and then she came along.

And the first time I held her… I knew that it was all worth it.

God, Lily is the sweetest, cutest, most perfect little girl in the world. Besides Leni, she's the only family member of mine that I don't hate – in fact, she's the only one that I really, truly love. How could I not? After Lily was born, I realized that I had to stay – for her. At the very least, I have to make sure that she grows up knowing right from wrong, and doesn't become fucked up like the rest of us. And if I can find another place, a place far away from my parents and my sisters, a place where she can grow up normal, happy, and safe…

…Then I have to take it.

By the way, Lily wasn't the last baby of mine – she's just the only one we kept. Mom finally decided that eleven kids was enough – and when the others started coming along, she made us get rid of them by putting them up for adoption. (Yeah, Dad always said we couldn't abort any of our children – never said we had to keep them afterwards!) Lori's been pregnant three times – the first two were the twins, like I said, but the third was a boy, which we gave up. Unless Lori's been fucking Bobby whenever she goes to his house, I'm fairly certain that that boy was mine. Luna's had a daughter given up, too – and that one I know was mine. Leni was pregnant once, but she lost the baby (probably because of all the fucked-up genes it had), and that one, if it had been born, would also definitely have been mine. No, I never loved them as much as I love Lily, and no, I don't think about them – but then, they never stuck around long enough for me to get attached to them, now did they?

Anyways, until I can find a way out for Lily and me, I'm stuck in this shithole house, in this shithole family, with parents that aren't parents, older sisters who abuse me, younger sisters who hate me, enduring the same crucible over and over again, every single day.

I'm Lincoln Loud. Welcome to the utter hell that is my life.

(…)

"…And that concludes my live performance of my 'Family Project', with the help of my sisters," Lincoln said to his class. He and his sisters turned to Lincoln's teacher, Mrs. Johnson, and looked at her expectantly.

"So? What did you think?" Lincoln asked.

Mrs. Johnson didn't immediately answer, staring at the Loud siblings, utterly shocked. Finally, she managed to find her voice.

"…Who… in the world… are you people?" she asked.

Lincoln and his sisters smiled at each other. Then, with a flourish, they all said:

"We're the Aristocrats!"