Steve Warz

Episode [Wal Triple Neck Bass]:

Main Attraction

aka

The Final Countdown

Oh h**l… Tons of proverbial doodoo has hit the fan. After the shocking first episode, the Jedi have been called back to Coruscant for its defense. Not only that, but to also find the reasoning behind the mass robberies of various items across the planet. While investigating, the assigned Jedi encountered confrontations with video game icons such as a re-built Bower, Kefka and even the enigmatic Albert Wesker. Though unable to stop these three, the Jedi managed to locate the stolen goods at a nearby spaceport. But things only got worse from there.

The Jedi encountered Richter, who had assumed the role of soon-to-be Sith Lord, and sought to keep our heroes from stopping the thieves. An epic battle between father and son then ensued, with Squishy defeated and Richter escaping with the stolen cargo. It was soon after that Rick's final destination was uncovered: Korriban, the Sith homeworld.

Now our Jedi are speeding through space to get to the bottom of the robberies and, most likely, a confrontation Richter in a classic grand battle of good versus evil. It is there that destinies will either be fulfilled... or destroyed.

(Space. We see the brown, decaying rock that is Korriban. Coming into view is Home One, which just exited hyperspace. Within its bridge)

Tech. Off: Korriban is right in front of us. Making approach.

Ackbar: Good. Maintain speed.

(The Jedi are there, looking on)

Anna: Korriban… It's been awhile.

Sara: I'm getting shivers just thinking about it.

Jo: We all are.

Sally: Looks ugly.

Stan: Well, I suppose the Sith like ugly, sis.

Ackbar: Alright, so you all know what to do?

Will: Yes sir. We hop on the Century Sparrow, head planetside and get the thieves.

Ackbar: And don't forget about Richter; he's a key figure in this mission.

Sylvia: Yes, we know.

Ackbar: I'm serious about this. Though he is your son, if he proves to be a major risk to your lives and the Republic, you'll have to take him out.

Squishy: If it ever comes to that…

Ackbar: You can't allow your emotions to hamper your judgment. You have to stay focused.

Cope: Don't worry, Admiral. If they can't do it, then I will.

Tech. Off: Planetary scan complete. We've picked up a very small electronic signal in the middle of a dry plain. Other than that, everything's quiet.

Will: That's weird. The way Rick was talking, I sorta expected a huge army or something.

Chris: Well if there is something bigger down there and things go belly up, we'll lock onto your tracking beacons and bomb that place to Hell.

Anna: Oh, gee, nice of you to look after us, eh Chris?

Jo: Let's head for the hanger, guys. We've got a job to do.

(They leave. We then see the Sparrow leave Home One and cruise for the planet. Later on, we see the ship land on the edge of a dry plain. Onboard)

Squishy: Stan and Sal, you stay here and watch the ship.

Sally: How come? I want to talk to Rick.

Squishy: If he's really a Sith, he might try to turn you with words. It wouldn't do us good to be fighting three Sith instead of just one.

Stan: He's our brother, though. And if we can be turned by words, then you shouldn't go out there either!

Sally: Yeah, why can you go?

Sylvia: Because we're older and more experienced. You're just novices who could become manipulated via your emotions.

Both: But Mooooooom—

Sylvia: No! You're staying here. With how close you three were growing up, can you imagine fighting him in an actual life-or-death scenario? Would you be able to cut him down without hesitation? (The siblings go silent) I refuse to see any of my children killing one another, and from your looks, you don't want that either.

Jo: Yeesh...

Anna: On a less dire note, Rick would be less tempted to do nasty Sith mind tricks if he's facing us pros who can straighten him out easier.

Sara: Yeah. In that sense, you'd actually be helping your brother by staying here.

Will: Yep.

Sylvia: So will you stay here on the ship and not do anything foolish, for your brother's sake?

Sally: (Sigh) I suppose we will…

Squishy: I know it's hard. But it's for your safety.

Cope: If you're done talking family matters, we've got work to do.

Squishy: Right. Sorry about that. See you two later, okay?

Stan: Okay.

(The other Jedi leave. We later see them trekking across the dry, barren landscape of the dead planet)

Anna: I haven't been here since my Sith days. There's plenty of untouched evil still left here.

Will: Evil that Rick may want to get his claws on, so we better hurry.

Jo: I can feel the Darkness getting stronger already. Be on your guard.

(At some point Squishy starts walking in place without moving)

Sylvia: What the?

Cope: Squishy, we have no time for you to be doing the Moonwalk.

Squishy: What are you talking about? Where are you?

Cope: I'm right next to you.

Squishy: No you're not. You and the others are way behind me.

Jo: What are you smoking, Squishy—

(The whole group zips across the plain without moving, then stops)

Anna: Whoa. What just happened?

Sara: Now Jo's doing the Moonwalk!

Squishy: Why am I repeating the same 10 feet over and over again?

Will: What's going on here?

(Everyone starts suffering serious slowdown. Their movements are erratic, and they talk normally but their mouths don't match the words)

Cope: I'm not moving right, WTH!?

Will: It's almost like we're lagging.

Anna: Lagging? As in computer lagging?

Squishy: That can't be it, Will. That's just plain ridicu—

(Everything becomes a blue screen)

Sara: A blue screen?

Cope: This isn't Ultima! What is this?!

Sylvia: Says it's trying to reconnect.

Jo: Oh, dear. I think I know what's going on.

Anna: Pray tell, Jo.

Jo: The net feed is running dry. Gotta put another quarter in the phone booth.

Cope: Wait! You're hooked to the Internet through a pay phone?!

Jo: Well yeah! It's far cheaper than using my own phone.

Anna: Unbelievable!

Jo: Hold on, I just put a quarter in. Now we just wait a bit and— (Everything returns to normal) There. Everything's set.

Sylvia: But did we move at all during that time?

Will: I think so. I don't recall a huge stage being over there.

(50 yards from them there is indeed a gargantuan outdoor stage similar, to one at a rock concert, adorned with hanging lights and black curtains. They approach the stage until)

?: You actually came. And right on schedule, too.

(Walking onto stage and into view is the cloaked Jaa-Ruuk Richter)

Jo: Richter!

Rick: Salutations, great Jedi Masters. Do you like the stage? You should, since this is the stage from which your demise shall be conducted.

Anna: Hefty words, coming from a Sith noob.

Rick: Oh silly little Anna, or should I say, Pineapple. Though I'm new to the Dark Side, I have one thing you failed to produce: A worthy vision. You threw away all your awesome powers and foresight to pursue the path of light with your friends. You disgraced the Sith by failing to stay with it and attain its fullest potential. I, on the other hand, will go unwaveringly to the end, where the final, ultimate power of the Sith lies in wait for the one worthy enough to wield it.

Cope: Pah! Typical Sith grandeur! You do realize that past Sith lords have regretted their ways.

Rick: Says who?

Anna: Says KOTOR!

Rick: HA! Typical Jedi naivety! KOTOR is a video game, fools! A bunch of programmers know nothing of the intricacies and philosophy that come with being a true Force wielder.

Jo: Maybe so, but that doesn't change the fact that you're seriously outnumbered right now. So tell us why your employers stole all that random stuff.

Will: And who they are for that matter!

Rick: In due time, my former comrades. But first, where are my dear siblings? Did they not want to see their brother?

Squishy: They're on the Sparrow, son.

Rick: Why? What lies did you and mother tell them to keep them away from me? What kind of parents are you?

Sylvia: Good ones that's what! If you really have become Sith, then there will be no way for you to manipulate them.

Rick: Ohhohohohohoho, how right you are, mother. Still, I can take you all on without whipping me up some unwilling meat shields.

Will: You and what army?

Rick: Actually, to be more accurate: what posse? This one: (Snaps fingers. Rising up through the stage floor are three robed, hooded figures of varying sizes) Everyone… Meet the band!

(The three people whip off their robes and are revealed to be the Digital Three: Bowser, Kefka, and Wesker! To a bumping beat they each give a twirl and end up with instruments: Wesker at bass, Kefka with an electric guitar, and Bowser behind drums. They pose)

Cope: Aw f**k no!

Kefka: Boo! (Laughs) Didn't expect to see us, did you?

Bowser: But here we are, once again, to stomp you all!

Wesker: Only this time we have joined forces to deliver complete, musical domination. Yaow! (Plays a sweet chord)

Rick: That's right. With the baddest of the bad backing me up, you cannot stop the great rock/Sith revival that is: The Sith Armada™!

(Guitar riff is made, but then things go dead quiet)

Kefka: Wait… That's our band name?

Bowser: That's lame! Four doesn't necessarily make an armada, does it? Besides, we should have a name that's more original. How bout we call ourselves Bowser's Troopas?

Wesker: Absolutely not. With a bass player as debonair as myself, the band name demands shortness. Therefore, we shall be The Weskers.

Kefka: That's even stupider than turtlehead's suggestion! Look, I'm obviously the most talented one here. So it would make outrageous sense to be dubbed Kefka and The Espers.

Bowser: No! Bowser's Troopas!

Wesker: The Weskers!

Kefka: Kefka and the Espers!

Bowser: Bowser's Troopas!

Wesker: The Weskers!

Pants Monkey: Pie!

Rick: SILENCE! (Hand to forehead) Jersey-Tap dancin'-City atop a flagpole, you all act like such children! The band will remain The Sith Armada™ (Guitar riff) and I refuse to see it broken apart by petty squabble! Understand?

(The other three grumble into obedience)

Jo: What are you trying to get at?

Rick: (Swirls around in a fury) What I'm trying to get at, Jedi, are my plans of domination! But first, I think it most appropriate if I were to demonstrate the power of this fully amp-erational battle stage! Ready?

Three: Yeah dawg!

Rick: Turn it to eleven! And beyond!

Three:

Heeeeeeeere, we are!

Booorn to be kiings! (Guitar)

We're the princes of the

Universe…

Heeeeeere we belong! (Dun dun!)

Rick:

Fighting to survive!

In a world, with the dar-kest,

Power…

(Dee dee, dee dee, dee dee, dee dee, dee dee dee)

HAY!

(As the three bandmates play ominously the whole area begins to rumble, then rising from the dead earth comes a massive stone ruin/plateau holding the stage and Jedi. It continues to rise up high over the land before stopping. As the final guitar riffs are made, huge stacks of sound speakers roll onto the stage and floodlights point downward and burst on)

Rick:

And here we are!

We're the princes of the universe! (Guitar)

Here we beeeloong;

Fightning for sur-vi-val!

We've come to be the rulers of you ALLLLLLLLLL!

(As an ominous chorus chants, the skies above darken with swirling, thundery clouds)

Rick:

I am immooortal.

I have inside me blood of kings.

Roadie: Yeah! Yeah!

Rick:

I have no rival!

No man can be my equal!

Send me to the future of you allllllll! (Guitar, then)

Booooorn, to be kiiiings!

Princes of the un-i-verse.

Fighting and FreeeeEEEE!

Got your world in my haaaaand!

I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand!

All:

Weeeee weeeeere born,

To be princes of the universe!

Rick:

No man could understaaaand!

My power is in my own haand!

Three:

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,

People talk about you,

People say you've had your day.

Rick:

I'm a man that will go far….

Fly the moon and reach for the stars.

With my sword and head held hiiiiigh!

Got to pass the test; fiirst tiiiime! (Dum, dum)

YeeeEeeeeah!

I know that

People talk about me—I hear it everyday.

But I can prove them wrong

Cuz I'm right—

All:

Fiiiiirst TIIIIIIIIIME! (Guitar)

Rick:

Yeah! (Guitar) YEAH! (Bowser unleashes major drummage)

Alright! Let's go, let's go! — Ha HAA!

(Kefka then busts out a long, fast, steady electric solo)

Rick: Yeeeeeah. Watch this man fly. — Wooh!

Bring on the girls! (Popping up around the place are pods holding the stolen dancing girls)

C'mon c'mon c'mon!

Three:

HEEEEEERE we are!

Rick:

Here we are!

Three:

Booorn to be kings, we're the

Princes of the universe!

(Pause then)

All:

Here weeee beloooong! (Duh duh)

Rick:

Booooorn to be kings,

Princes of the un-i-verse!

Fighting and FreeeEEEE!

Got your world in my hand!

I'm here for your love and I'll make my stand!

All:

Weeeeee weeeeere boorn!

To be Princes of the Universe!

(As the last word echoes we get a look at the whole large ruin, which has become the size of a football field with the stage at one end. There are loudspeakers on the edges and the whole place is completely bathed in floodlights from multiple pylons)

Will: …Whoooaa….

Jo: I'll say. D***...

Rick: Impressed? Another great thing about The Sith Armada (guitar riff) is that it takes other people's songs effortlessly. Plus, that was just phase one of my grand plan.

Sara: Phase one?

Rick: Yes. My grand scheme comes in three parts. (Finger countdowns) Phase One is Charge, where the battlefield is made ready. Phase Two, Battle, is where you shall face my bandmates in brutal combat. Finally, in Phase Three, or Final, if you survive my associates, then you will face me in a struggle that will determine the fate of the galaxy. Simple and organized, wouldn't you say?

Squishy: Wait… Gitaroo-Man phases?

Sylvia: That's enough, Richter! This is crazy! Why are you doing all this!?

Rick: I've told you before: so long as the nerd stain re—

Sylvia: That's not it, Richter; it's something more! I'm your mother, I've watched you grow into the man you are today, and I know it would have to take something more troubling than nerds to make you want to go Sith; to turn against your very family! What's the real reason? Answer me this instant!

(Silence, until)

Rick: …Heh. It's good to know your wits haven't dulled after all these years. Then again, any attentive parent ought to know that their child's deepest troubles are never as trivial as simple nerdphobia.

Anna: You're not in it for the nerds?

Rick: Everything I've done has been merely a front to induce fear and mistrust. Though if the nerds get wiped out in the process, that would be a bonus.

Jo: So what are you really doing this for?

Rick: Real simple, Jo. I'm doing this in order to find purpose.

Cope: Purpose? What do you mean?

Rick: I'm trying to find a niche for myself in a galaxy where I don't belong; where I shouldn't exist.

Squishy: What're you talking about?

Rick: It's so freakin' obvious, Dad: I'm a FREAK!

(Gasps and dramatic stings)

Sylvia: What did you call yourself?!

Rick: Don't play dumb with me, Mother! Of all people, you yourself should know that I have no place in this galaxy far, far away.

Sara: What do you mean?

Rick: God you're all so dense! Let me lay if down real clear to you. (Becomes more calm, soft voiced) I'm one of a kind, and I do mean one of a kind. There is no one else in the galaxy like me. Stan and Sally could pass off as Ssi-Ruuk to most people, but not me. That kind of distinction should make me feel special, right? Alas, it's only brought me sorrow and solitude… (Kefka starts playing a soft, melodramatic tune) Ever since I was born, no one outside my family had ever accepted me for what I am. Sure, I was tolerated, and even respected for my status as the son of Jedi, but they never wanted to understand me. You heard it yourselves: how that grubby wizard said "crossbreed" with such revulsion. But when I became Force-aware, I sensed that everyone around me shared those same feelings. They feared me, were disgusted by me, called me many things. Lizard, mix spawn, demon, Jawa-saur… Freak...

(Holds up and looks at his five-clawed hands)

Rick: I was born in Jawa robes… Few have seen the thing beneath the cloak, and what I see disgusts me.

Squishy: Son honestly you don't look bad—

Rick: I was still in the middle of monologueing DON'T INTERRUPT ME! (After a pause, he resumed) I can never be a part of society. I will never be accepted. I will always be an alien in a universe of diversity. People would look down on me and consider me an abomination of nature... because you had to bring me into this world, Mom and Dad. If I am considered to be a one-member race to everyone, then I might as well align myself with the thing everyone also dislikes. So in a way, I would be right at home being hated for both my heritage and my allegiance. And because of this, I will bring vengeance to all those who much prefer nerds over me; who never thought of me as being an equal. This includes all those fools in the Republic you fight to protect.

Bowser: Which is why we're helping!

Wesker: The three of us once thought negatively of your children, as you may recall. But after listening to the boy, we've come to sympathize with his plight and seek to wholeheartedly undo this grievous slight.

Kefka: That's right! I may have an unending distaste of all life in general, but that doesn't mean I can't have pity and condolence for someone being mistreated. Ah yes, this guy reminds me of myself as a young lad: setting anything that moved aflame and giggling like a schoolgirl all the while. Ahhh, good times…

Sara: But Rick, you're talking crazy. No one hates you.

Rick: Bulls**t! None of your sweet innocent talkin' will hide the truth this time! Nothing will ever hide it: The fact that this whole galaxy is full of racists!

Three: Yeah!

Sylvia: Okay, son, we'll admit it. No one is can be a total angel; you're undoubtedly aware of that. Everyone has prejudices of others, and for a good long while we thought all nerds were bad.

Squishy: That's true, but all that changed because the nerds proved their worth. Everyone has a right to exist, Rick; the people have yet to accept yours because you haven't done something to prove all of them wrong. Becoming a Sith will only make that much harder for them to swallow.

Rick: BAH! Right to exist? You're the only reason why I'm suffering in the first place! You and that unholy union with Mother! Which brings me to another point: Even if this galaxy wholly accepts me for who I am, I would still be alone. You and Mother's love, though a ridiculous probability, was still possible. But what about me? Who could ever love something that's neither Jawa nor Ssi-Ruuk? Only something even freakier than myself!

Squishy: Don't go saying that! Sure you're different, but that means squat in the face of love! Just look at me and your mother: despite our physical differences, our vastly different DNA, we managed to form a connection the likes of which couldn't be undone even by our very own creator.

Will: He's right. If a midget and a lizard could boink like no one's business, miraculously produce offspring, and pull off a long stable marriage well after the fact, then anything's possible for you, Rick.

Squishy:...Thanks, Will. See, Rick, if you just go out there and trust your fellow citizens, then in time you'll find someone you find special and who will think likewise of you. Then, when you know plenty about each other, race will be of no significance when you perform that one, great act of love. Just your resolve and spiritual bonding will get you to that happy moment. Isn't that right, hon?

Sylvia: Well, uhhhh, I'm not so sure about that…

Jo: Huuurmm?

Squishy: What? What do you mean?

Sylvia: Actually, I was kind of tipsy that night and… I barely remember anything leading up to the Wayland incident.

Anna: NAAAAA-oooo! No way! Squishy taking advantage of a drunk Ssi-Ruuk? Dude!

Cope: Oh God you're a far lonelier, more desperate person than I had originally imagined!

Sara: Shameful! And to think I thought you were too nice a guy for those kinds of things!

Squishy: Shut up! I never took advantage of Sylvia. Our love is pure and true! Stop acting like you all were against us this entire—

Rick: I've heard enough from you! (The squabbling stops. An unseen guitar plays) Whether or not your commitments were made based on honest love, my position still stands. I shall bring tolerance to the galaxy by force, beginning, (Raises an arm) with your beatdown.

(Drops arm, causing his bandmates to leap from the stage after the Jedi. To Iron Maiden's "The Trooper" the Jedi face the combined skill of Kefka, Wesker, and the re-animated Bowser. Our heroes go all over the arena dodging fire balls, lightning bolts, and the cat-like reflexes of a deranged mercenary. Despite their best efforts, the combined coordinated evil is too much for them)

Kefka: What jolly fun! We're winning!

Jo: This is bad. They're too much for us!

(A Flare spell blasts the Jedi a good distance, where Bowser then flattens them all into pancakes with his ground pound)

Squishy: Paaaaaaaaain.

(Wesker comes over, rolls up the Jedi and starts dribbling them like a basketball)

Cope: How's this possible?!

(Wesker slam dunks, making the ball break and the Jedi fall to the ground in a heap)

Will: This looks like the end.

Anna: (Groans) Not unless we turn to more desperate measures, like we usually do.

Jo: Squishy, please say you have something in your robe of tricks that can help us out here.

Squishy: None off the top of my head, although… (Digs into robe) I still have… (Pulls out a net) This left over from the last trilogy.

Sara: Hey, wasn't that what we used to send those runaway monkeys back to the zoo?

Cope: God that was so annoyingly unnecessary that whole part.

Squishy: Well it turns out this thing has multiple relocation settings. Just gotta turn it here…

(Show a dial on the net with settings at "Zoo", "Time Period", "Cancun", and "Dimension". The knob is turned to "Dimension")

Squishy: Alright, it's set to send them back to their respective dimensions.

Jo: Okay gang, let's finish this!

(They get up and charge the three. Bowser roars and charges at our heroes, but Squishy brings up the net to snare him, resulting in a whir and a great burst of light before all goes quiet. There is no trace of Bowser whatsoever)

Kefka: Hey, what happened to Bowser?

(The Jedi form up, looking mean. The net is in sight)

Wesker: Ohhhhhhh s**t…

Jedi: Shenanigans!

(To silly "Ape Escape" music the Jedi start chasing the other two villains, who are scurrying about the place looking silly. At some point Wesker stops his running and holds his ground)

Wesker: You may have undone my shelled bandmate, but I shall prove too swift for your lowly net. Nothing in this universe can match my godlike reflexes!

Cope: Look over there: it's Chris Redfield!

Wesker: CHRIIIIIIIIIIIIS!

(While he's busy growling out his eternal foe's name, Will runs over and slams the net down on him, sending him away in a flash)

Will: There's just one more!

(Kefka makes an "Eeek!" and runs away, but Squishy leaps in front of him. Kefka hops and bounces off his head, flying through the air to face Cope, only to kick off his face and spring backward toward Will. Will winds up and swings, but Kefka snatches it in passing, and upon landing he hops over to Anna and swings his pilfered tool down. A flash of light and she is gone. Gasps abound)

Kefka: Ha ha! I did it! I have bested one of you completely! All bow to the king! Praise the super cool—

(His net gets snatched by Anna who's standing next to him, before he gets netted and sent away)

Anna: I was already in my own dimension, idiot. Gawd!

Rick: Hmmmm… This is awkward. Seems you managed to best my crew long before Battle phase could finish. Ah well, guess I'll have to make up for the extra time. I was getting tired of watching those imbeciles spar, anyway.

(He leaps off the stage and lands in a crouch before the Jedi. As he stands up, "Thunderkiss 65" starts playing. He holds up a hilt sideways, and a fiery red lightsaber ignites from it.)

Rick: So… Are you ready?

(The Jedi get into defensive stances. After a moment, Rick leaps at them and the fighting commences. He swings at the tallest opponents first, and once they're off-balanced he swiftly goes at his shorter adversaries. Anna pushes him back, but before she can counter he rushes around to get at her back, but Sylvia runs up to ward him away with a wave of her saber)

Rick: Very well, me madre. Let's tango.

Squishy: Don't do this, son!

Rick: You'll have your turn in a sec!

(Rick rushes and attacks his mother, who blocks his relentless blows long enough for Jo to come at him from the side. He turns and brings up his saber to catch Jo's, locking the two in place for a split second before the Jaa-Ruuk springs up and flips over his former peer. On landing, he decides to take on Will and Sara simultaneously, and even duels with Cope without effort. At some point everyone starts to crowd in to try to smother him, but he unleashes Force Lightning to disband and disorient the group long enough to break out)

Cope: That's always been a cheap attack!

(They resume the LV. 7 bout. When Rick tries Force Lightning again, Anna counters with her own lightning)

Rick: You still retain some of your former skills. Why waste it for a bunch p***ies?

Anna: Just shut up and fight!

(Fight on they do. Eventually Rick faces his father, and the two get into a heated parrying match of swipes and counter swipes until Rick makes a downward slash. Squishy leaps to dodge it, and in the process he bops off Rick's head, making him freeze in a kneeling position. He just remains there, shaking erratically)

Jo: What's his problem?

(Still shaking)

Squishy: Rick?

Rick: You… (Twitch) Did… (Twitch) Not….. (Twitch) Just… (Twitch) Bop… My… Head… (Twitch twitch) Just now… (Twitchity) Did You?

(He slowly rises as a dark aura forms around him, then)

Rick:

The Kom-Bu-Cha, (Heavy metal plays)

MUSH, ROOM, PEO, PLE,

Sitting A, Round All DAY!

WHO! Can believe you?

WHO! Can believe you?

Let ya mother, praaaaaAAAAAAAAY!

…. Sugaaa.

(To SOAD's "Sugar" he moves about the arena super quick, fighting with just his claws. The Jedi try to defend themselves, but he still slashes at them regardless, and each time he strikes the searing-hot energy a burst of black keeps him unharmed. As he fights, dark energy accumulates more and more around him, giving him a more menacing appearance)

Jo: Dude! What the h**l!? (Barely deflecting the fast, furious attacks)

Rick: (Growing demonic voice) All you mushroom heads are WORTHLESS TO ME!

Sylvia: This isn't right, Squishy!

Squishy: I know! Rick never listens to metal, especially metal this stupid!

Rick: THE BULLETS OF Life go walking down the streets MOTHER F**kers!

(Continues the assault)

Anna: He's coo-coo bonkers berserk! We've got to take him out!

Sara: Isn't there some other way?

Cope: You can see it for yourself! He's too far gone!

Squishy: NO! Something is going on here! (Deflects a claw attack)

(Rick stands before the stage and rises into the air. Darkness billows from him as his eyes fill with extreme fury, electricity crackling within the miasma)

Rick: SAY YOUR PRAYERS, SHE-THING!

Sylvia: Wait, I recognize that condescending tone!

(Looking behind Rick, Squishy spots some kind of shimmering object)

Squishy: Sylvia! Up there!

Sylvia: I see it! (Rears back) Let go of my son you b****rd!

(She tosses her saber up high. The glowing weapon soars on and on and up and up and higher and higher and % V*&NGR#$]

OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

GOD-DA**IT!

NOT AGAIN!

(Back in the story, a huge round machine with two long plug arms appears behind Rick. It detaches from him and hits the ground, where we see the white-garbed, balding, bespectacled lord of creation Contractor sitting behind the controls in the glass-enclosed cockpit, hunched over and dazed. Rick instantly loses his evil aura and falls to the ground. The Jedi rush to him)

Squishy: Rick! Are you okay Rick?

Sylvia: Speak to me son! Speak to me!

Rick: Ugghh… Dad? Mom? What's going on? I only remember singing and… Oh no… Oh god. (Puts hands to head) What have I done?

Jo: It's alright, Ricky. Everything is fine now.

?: No! Everything WAS fine you b***ards!

(The Contractor is now fully awake and fuming, slamming his fists on the console repeatedly)

Cont: D**mit D**mit D**mit D**mit D**mit D**mit D**mit! I was so D**N close, but you Jedi just "bleep" it up like always! D**mit!

Jedi: Contractor!

Cont: Yes, hello howdy hi, it's the Contractor once again. La dee dee Whoop dee freakin' doo da! No point making an entrance when you've been corn-holed THIS BADLY! GOD!

Will: What have you been scheming this time?

Cont: Oh why the h**l not? I ought to tell you everything seeing how pissed I am!

Anna: Quit yer b**chin' and cough it up!

Cont: Fine! Just let me chill first! (Pulls out a tray containing fresh mangoes and cooked oatmeal and takes a deep whiff. After letting out a deep, calm sigh) Ahh. Much better. Now, about my plan. (Putting away tray) As you all know, I previously tried to take you out via the mortal means of warfare, but failed. So for this go-around, I've decided to possess the most doubtful of your clan and tear you apart from within.

Cope: So Richter was possessed by you this whole time!

Jo: And you were the one who let those other three game characters in!

Cont: Aye, aye, it's true. I say, it was interesting manipulating a lizard-thing from behind the scenes. Making him sing and slash and battle, and especially that tussle at the spaceport got me real giddy. But the really good moments were seeing parents and child talking back and forth. So much drama and tension!

Sara: You've sunk to a new low: possessing sons and turning them against their families!

Sylvia: You're an even more depraved creator than we originally thought!

Cont: Yes, but an ingenious one, nyah nyah!

Rick: So… You made me kill those people? Everything I had done up to now has been your doing?

Cont: Weeell… Not everything.

Rick: What?

Squishy: Rick! Get away from here and rest up. We'll handle this.

Rick: I'm actually fine, but... alright. (Walks)

Jo: Now it's just you and us, bucko.

Cont: Indeed. It's come full circle yet again. But it's not a complete disappointment. Though you have scarred my hands yet again and took away a useful tool, I can still kill you— (Pushes a button. Two more long plug arms pop out, and the four arms hit the ground and raise the pod above the Jedi) with shiny, deadly duranium plating!

Will: Alrighty, b**ch!

Cont: Good! Music!

("Sugar" starts up again and battle starts. The metal beast is pretty spry because it dodges every lightsaber and stomps about the place like a hopped-up spider. The fighting goes on, but when we reach the last minute of the music it's just a bunch of still photos of the battle switching faster and faster along with the song. Once it ends, an oven timer goes "bing!" and the mecha stops)

Cont: Ooh! It's time for FINAAAAL! Shining moment here I come!

(The mecha leaps high and lands on the stage. The plug arms hook into the corners of the light supports so the control pod is kept center in the air)

Cont: Commencing start-up!

(He pulls two retainers from his mouth and puts them into C-shaped holes in the console. It opens to reveal a compartment holding the Contractor's axe guitar, which he takes out)

Cont: Hook up! (He takes the guitar's amp cord and puts it into a plug hole in the ceiling of the cockpit) Sound check! (Gives off a great resounding note heard all over the place) Excellent! Hold on to your butts, boys and girls: it's time to ROCK!

(He then starts playing "Ace of Spades". As he's doing this lights go up all over the place and the kidnapped dancing girls shake their junks to it. A giant wall of hyper energy flares up in front of him, pushing back the Jedi)

Anna: The h*** was that?

(As the Contractor sings and riffs away, arcs of lightning shoot out from the surrounding light fixtures and at the feet of the Jedi in tune to the chords)

Jo: Whoa!

Squishy: Bob and weave!

Sara: Yikes!

(The Jedi scramble about to avoid the electricity firing at them, as well as the tremors brought on by the hot and heavy dancing of the kidnapped dancers. At about halfway through the song)

Cont:

You know I'm born to lose,

And gambling's for fools.

But that's the way I like it Ba-BY'

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE FOREVER! (Some more guitar licks)

And don't forget the Jo-ker!

(His guitar starts glowing blue, right as several hundred long cannon arrays begin popping up around the arena)

Jo: What the h**l!?

(The cannons start firing huge Bullet Bills into the stratosphere in tune to the music)

Sylvia: What's going on?!

Will: It's the music! Those cannons are firing to it!

(Anna and Cope rush the stage, Anna firing her Force Lightning to disrupt the energy field while Cope deflects any lightning bolts coming her way. Contractor continues to sing and shred, gritting his teeth in complete mania. As the field weakens, Contractor starts finishing up the song, sweating up a storm making long notes that fires streams of Bullet Bills. He finishes by the time the energy field comes down, allowing Cope to throw his saber at the upper plug arms, severing them and making the pod hit the stage, shutting off the sound system)

Anna: What did you just do?!

Cont: Ahh! Tis the true genius of my plot! You see, the speakers, floodlights, and dancing girls were taken solely to set up the grand stage you see before you. However, there was one other item I had stolen in great quantity: cameras. I just had my whole thumpin' single recorded and sent to various planets to be played over and over again, getting the grand populace a-jumpin' with joy. Those Bullet Bills that just fired are set to seek out concentrated points of hypeness, namely all the major holochannel outlets that are playing that song. Entire cities will be wiped out, and though the results will not be quite as impressive as a planetary detonation, it will cause the same level of political dissent and social upheaval. With chaos and panic running amok, you will not only have to worry about revolting nerds, but also the whole galaxy nipping at your coattails!

Cope: (Slams fist into ground) D***it he's right! No matter how peaceful the galaxy is, senators are always looking for an excuse to get irate and complain!

Will: It's the way George Lucas made it, and we d**n him every day for it.

Public Notice: We of the Steve Warz saga do not d**n any of George Lucas' designs on a daily basis. All of his ideas are supremely genius and above criticism, therefore he… okay no, I sincerely cannot say something like that. The man's second-guessed himself into oblivion with the prequels, and then he sold it off to be handled by Mr. Lens Flare. You've betrayed us, George. You've betrayed us and d***ed such a wonderfully simplistic fantasy you doddering withered old has-been— [Lawyer Death Squads are en route] Aw h***.

Jo: Now what do we do? We're on a fast track to S**tsville and I don't have my galoshes.

Squishy: We can't be beat just yet. There has to be a way.

Sylvia: Wait… Contractor said those Bills were locked on to points of extreme hype or something, right?

Sara: Yeah.

Sylvia: And we're on a huge stage with tons of loudspeakers and lights. Can't we do something to bring them back?

Squishy: Yeah… Yeah! Using this stage, we could reverse the hype polarity of the Bullet Bills. If it's heavy rock and hype sending them away, then playing some soothing soft rock should bring them back here!

Jo: Squishy, that sounds incredibly asinine and likely something you pulled straight out of your sandy butthole. It's gotta work!

Will: But won't we need to generate a mellow field so great it overshadows an entire galaxy's worth of hype?

Squishy: Yes. Which means we'll need to make this one h**l of a show.

(Using the Force, he pulls some wires from the severed plugs stuck in the stage, and he hooks these plugs to a microphone stand)

Cont: Hey! What're you doing?

Squishy: Getting us hooked to the speakers. We can't have an awesome show without the right acoustics.

Cont: No! Don't, you fool!

Squishy: We're gonna need to take positions. Will, drums. Jo, vocals. Girls, background sounds. Like tambourines and claps and such.

Anna: What, no violins?

Squishy: Nope, sorry. Not that kind of song.

Anna: Pff, fine.

Sara: Got it, Squishy.

Cope: What am I supposed to do?

Squishy: I don't know, Alex. Try to look British.

Cope: F**k that! (Whips out his electric keyboard)

Squishy: Nice. And I'll play the guitar as always.

?: Don't forget about me.

(Rick walks over holding out his guitar)

Sylvia: Richter? You're supposed to be gone from here, out of danger.

Rick: After all that b***ard made me do, I can't just stand aside. I'll help out in any way to bring him down. Please understand, Mom, Dad.

Sylvia:...Alright, Richter. Do as your father says. No "if"s "and"s or "but"s.

Rick: Understood.

Squishy: Okay, son: back me up and play as it goes.

Cont: What in MY name are you biddies up to?

Will: We're gonna blow you away, is what!

Squishy: With a classic to end all classics!

Jo: (Into a mike) Galaxy: Are you ready to be saved? Then hit it, guys!

(Squishy starts playing some acoustic notes on his guitar with growing volume until)

Jo:

I looked out this morning, and the sun was gone.

Turned on some music; to start my daaay.

I lost myself, in a familiar song.

I closed my eyeees and I slipped Awaaaaaaaay!

(A second neck bursts from Squishy's guitar as he plays out some intense electric riffs. The group gets into a steady beat of drums and claps)

Jo:

It's more than a feeeling!

Guys:

More than a feeeeling!

Jo:

When I hear that old song they used to play—

Guys:

More than a feeeeling!

Jo:

I begin drea-ming!

Guys:

More than a feeeeling!

Jo:

Til I see Marianne walk awaaaaaaaay! (Musical pause, then)

I see my, Marianne walkin' awaaaaaaay.

(Squishy and Rick play out some notes. Meanwhile in space, the Bullet Bills take notice of the music and turn away from the planets they were headed for)

Jo:

So many people, have come and gone.

Their faces fade, as the years go byyy.

Yet I still recall, as I wander on.

As clear as the suuuun in the summer skyyyyyyy!

(Squishy's riffs, then the beat, then)

Jo:

It's more than a feeeeeling!

Guys:

More than a feeeeeling!

Jo:

When I hear that old song they used to play—

Guys:

More than a feeeeeling!

Jo:

I begin drea-ming!

Guys:

More than a feeeeeling!

Jo:

Til I see Marianne walk awaaaaaaaay!

(Pause)

I see my, Marianne walkin' awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

(Squishy goes into the awesome solo, right as Rick's guitar grows two more necks and he joins in, adding some bass to it. As he's doing this, the Century Sparrow hovers in above them)

Sally: (Through loudspeaker) What's up everybody!

Sylvia: What are you doing here?!

Stan: There's no way we're gonna miss something this righteous!

Sally: Yeah! We're gonna help out whether you want it or not!

(A mike sticks from the bottom of the ship and boomboxes around the ship start amplifying the sound)

Anna: Killer!

(The music has quieted to a gentle beat. In space, the Bills are converging outside of Korriban)

Jo:

When I'm tired, and thinking cold.

I hide in my music; forget the daaaay.

And dream of a girl, I used to know.

I closed my eyeeees and she slipped awaaaay!

(The two guitarists play some notes, then)

She slipped A-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

(Screen cracks. Back to the steady beat)

Jo:

It's more than a feeeling!

Guys:

More than a feeeeeling!

Jo:

When I hear that old song they used to play—

Guys:

More than a feeeeeling!

Jo:

I begin drea-ming!

Guys:

More than a feeeeling!

Jo:

Til I see Marianne walk awaaaaay! (Pause, then)

I see my, Marianne walkin' awaaaaaaaay!

(The whole group then goes into a steady beat of claps, drums and guitar. Soon it quiets down, and it's over. High above, the sky is filled with Bullet Bills speeding toward them)

Cont: Don't you idiots realize that you've just done? You may have turned around the Bills, but now they're gonna be zeroing directly AT THIS STAGE!

Squishy: Ohhhhhhhh… Whoops, hadn't thought of that detail.

(A Bill hits a part of the arena, making a huge blast. Then more start hitting the place at a growing rate)

Jo: It's raining boom around here!

Will: We've got to get outta here!

Cont: (Freaking out) Someone get me out of this stupid thing NOOW!

(The screen starts to fill with white light as the explosions become more rapid and bombastic)

Squishy: We've gotta go now, Rick! Rick!? RICK!

(Everything goes white)

(Flashback. Young Richter cowers before the hungry-looking Yoda nerd)

Rick: Aaaah! Dad! HEEEELP!

(There are slashing noises. Rick lowers his arm to see the nerd just standing there with a shocked, confused expression. He then falls to the ground in a great burst of blood. Behind the dead nerd stands a man wearing a brown cape and hood over white tunic and pants. He whips around the sword in his hand and slips it into a side sheathe. The swordsman turns around; the hood darkens all of the man's face except for his mouth)

Man: Such a nasty customer. You alright, little guy?

Rick: Y-yeah. Who are you?

Man: Oh, just a passing wanderer, fighting the good fight.

Rick: Okay… How—

Man: Did I find you? Well, if you must know, I've been checking out these nerds for some time, and they didn't strike me as very civilized. It's a good thing I decided to follow one of these weirdos around, otherwise you might've been caged up somewhere, or worse.

Rick: Why are you checking out the nerds? Why was that guy trying to get me?

Man: That's because, little Richter, all nerds, geeks and fan boys are inherent troublemakers.

Rick: How'd you know my name?

Man: That's of no importance for now, Rick. What is important is that the nerds are bad news and want to harm this galaxy in their own greasy ways.

Rick: How come? My dad says that the nerds are good now, that they really aren't bad.

Man: Ah, yes, your father. He is pretty wise, but even he isn't safe from nerd manipulation.

Rick: Manipulation?

Man: Yuh-huh. You see, the nerds are really good at appearing harmless and pathetic, so that everyone would immediately want to empathize and believe whatever sad tale they tell. Everyone but me, of course.

Rick: Why don't you believe it?

Man: Because I never forget. I can never forget the travesties those nerds wrought in the past, yet everyone else is willing to forget. The senators, governors, the public, the Jedi, and even your own family, Richter.

Rick: Really?

Man: You've seen for yourself what kind of monsters these "people" really are. They don't belong here, and will only cause grief the longer they stick around. Which is why I need your help.

Rick: My help?

(The man walks over, kneels and gently places his hands on Rick's shoulders)

Man: I want you to help this galaxy be rid of this disease. When you get older and stronger, I want you to do whatever it takes to make things right again. I won't be here when the time comes, so that's why I'm entrusting you with this task.

Rick: I… I don't know if I can.

Man: You have to, Richter. You must do it for everyone you care for. There will be times when your parents, and even your brother and sister will try to stop you. But it has to be done, because they are trapped under the nerds' devious spell, and only you can save them. Trust me.

(Yelling can be heard in the distance)

Voice: Richter! Rick! Where are you son?

Rick: That's my dad. He's looking for me.

Man: Of course he is. He is a most caring father, but far too gullible at times. Hm, you may end up having to knock some sense into him at some point. (Stands up and turns away) Remember what I have told you this day. It will be quite some time until the moment where you can prove your worth and save the galaxy.

Rick: Okay… I'll remember. I just hope I'll know what to do by then.

Man: Don't worry: It'll all be clear when it comes.

(Lights flash under the hood, outlining glasses. Everything goes white)

(Present. Richter slowly opens his eyes. He finds himself floating around in outer space. There are stars, planets, and nebulae, all in clear definition)

Rick: What the—?

?: So you're aware. It's about time.

(Some distance away, the Contractor is also floating around aimlessly)

Rick: You...

Cont: Yup, it's me. Been quite some time, just like I told you.

Rick: Where are we? What happened to us?

Cont: This here is what I call the Void, although there's far too much stuff here for it to be a proper one, but oh well. For your second question, I wound up getting blasted to dust. As for you… I can't really say at the moment. Hopefully nothing too severe.

Rick:...You're the reason I'm here. The reason for everything that's happened up to now!

Cont: Yes, yes, give credit where credit is due.

Rick: You planted those ideas in my head all those years ago; you convinced me to resent nerds.

Cont: And whose fault is that? Especially considering it came from the guy who tried to blast you and your family to space dust at one point. Although, you actually didn't see me do that per se. Hmm, and I suspect neither your parents nor uncle told you about it at any point afterward.

Rick: You wormed your way into my mind, took over my body… made me kill those people, for no other reason than to endanger the galaxy rather than saving it!

Cont: Indeed, that's been kinda my thing all these years. But I wasn't lying when I said those nerds had to be dealt with. I only wish I'd thought up of some way to gather every one of the buggers in one place to do them in.

Rick: You're an absolute monster. You used me like a puppet, made me into a Sith, made me turn on Stan and Sal, my mom and dad! What's more, you made me come to resent everyone else in the galaxy, even myself, just to fill me with that extra bit of rage for your deranged plan.

Cont: Whoa whoa hold on there, buddy. Now you're giving me too much credit.

Rick: Huh?

Cont: I'll own up to getting you to hate nerds, becoming a Sith and betraying your friends and family. But the whole general resentment deal… that's all on you.

Rick:...Wha?

Cont: Think about it: when you talked about never being accepted, how did you feel? A bit lighter in the chest? A smidge more clear-headed, relatively speaking?

Rick:...

Cont: It seems that despite all my meddling and manipulating, something of your actual self managed to slip out. A venting of your innermost frustrations overriding my control, if only briefly.

Rick:...That can't be true. That's… not it at all.

Cont: Meh, whatever you say. Just don't go hanging all your baggage squarely on my shoulders, kid. Although, some advice? Don't keep stuff like that bottled in. That's legit Sith mix right there.

Rick: It's… there's nothing like that there.

Cont: Sure Rick. I bet you want to believe that. But ask yourself this: what does your heart say?

(Everything goes up in white)

?: Look, he's coming to.

(Rick opens his eyes and moans. He stares straight up at a metal ceiling. Squishy pokes his head into view)

Squishy: Welcome back, son. You've been out for hours. We were starting to get real worried.

(Rick sits up. He looks around to find himself on a bunk in some room. In the room are all the Jedi, his siblings, Steezy, and even General Chris)

Rick: How'd I get here?

Will: When the whole place started going up, you got knocked out by a blast. You're lucky we all managed to get aboard the Sparrow and take off before that whole place became a crater.

Stan: Now aren't you all glad we came when we did?

Sally: Yeah! You owe us for saving your butt, bro! (Gives wink and a thumbs up)

Chris: Alas, we were unable to save any of the kidnapped dancing girls. Still, one of them did give me crabs, so it evens out I suppose.

Sylvia: We're now somewhere safe: far away from Korriban.

Jo: And good news: Just as we were leaving, we saw the Contractor get blasted by one of his Bills. He's toast, man!

Rick: Huh… Ain't that convenient…

Sara: We've been looking over you all this time. You moved around a bit in your sleep, but nothing else.

Anna: Since you're awake, we won't have to babysit you anymore. Right Alex?

Cope: She made me rub your feet…

Rick: Oooooooookay…

Steezy: Hey, Rick, since you're up and all, I thought I'd give you this now. (Gives Rick his guitar)

Squishy: We managed to bring it along while we were escaping. Your uncle's been keeping it safe while you were out.

Steezy: I got it cleaned and polished. I can give it different colors if you want to, you know, make it look less evil.

Rick: Yeah, thanks. I'll think about that. (Looks uncomfortable)

Sylvia: What's wrong, Richter?

Rick: …I had this dream. I was talking to the Contractor.

Sara: Really?

Sally: About what?

Rick: He admitted to being responsible for the things I did. Except, he told me there was an aspect of my behavior he had nothing to do with.

Sally: What was that?

Rick:…Resentment. Resentment toward everyone in the galaxy. He said that was solely mine.

(There's an uncomfortable pause, until)

Stan: Nah, that can't be.

Jo: Yeah. Either it was just a dream or he was trying to mess with you some more.

Rick: Maybe. But before I woke up, he asked me what my heart said.

Stan: He did?

Will: What did you find?

Rick: I've found that… he was right.

Cope: Say what?

Rick: It's true that I have anger in my heart. Anger and sorrow at being so different.

Chris: You kidding us?

Sylvia: That can't be it, Rick. He must have been trying to confuse you.

Rick: I'm not confused, Mom. I know exactly what's in my heart, and it's full of doubt… I always felt alone whenever I was with anybody but my own family. And even if I was with Stan and Sal, I always felt singled out and looked down on by others. At first I felt sad and confused at these feelings, but as I got older, I started to feel distaste for everyone different from me. Though what you and Dad taught us about tolerance and equality weakened it, that bit of hatred never fully left me. It was that kind of doubt that must have let the Contractor control me in the first place, although he never altered it once.

Anna: So everything you said back on the stage was straight from your heart?

Sylvia: Richter…

Rick: I know what it must seem like, but it's even worse when you're me. Even now, after all this, I don't think I can trust myself. I feel nothing now, but who knows if those feelings are still in my heart? I sure don't…

(Uncomfortable silence, then)

Squishy: Son… Nobody knows what's in your heart but you. If you don't know what's in it you're lost, but you can't look away because of one experience. Every Jedi must confront the doubts in their hearts at one point or another. When they do, they either conquer them or fall into mass insecurity. It's never easy, but if you believe in your inner goodness, then you will prevail eventually.

Jo: That's exactly right. Sure you lost this round of controlling your emotions, but the wisdom you've gained will be of ginormous help for the next big fight.

Chris: Plus, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Will: So get back on the horse and ride on.

Sally: You have us to watch your back, as always. Right, Stan?

Stan: Y-yeah. Always.

Sylvia: You've got the friends to help you, and the love of your family to strengthen you. Now do you have the inner strength to help yourself?

(Silence)

Rick: Wow… Thank you, all of you.

?: Ah! I see he's awake.

(The whale bot Duff McWhalan has stuck his head through the door)

Duff: Hey Rick; nice to see you up and about, more or less. General, we're approaching our destination.

Chris: Good. Maintain speed and prepare to surface.

Duff: Aye aye! (Leaves)

Jo: Welp, we best get ready. It's almost showtime.

(Everyone starts to leave)

Rick: What's going on?

Squishy: It's just like I told you before, Rick: It's time to prove your worth.

(Transition. We now see an island in the middle of a vast ocean nearing sunset. On one of its beaches there are nerds of all varieties crowded and getting antsy)

White Lando Guy: What's taking so long? Are you sure this is the right place?

Yu-Gi-Oh Guy: 6 o'clock on the dot, right here on this beach. The pamphlet said so.

Dwarf Guy: It's 6 right now and I don't see the free dice giveaway.

Pirate Guy: Where be me hentai? Yar!

Red Mage Guy: Something's definitely fishy, that's for sure.

Octorok Guy: It's probably just me.

Otacon Guy: Hey guys! There's something out on the water!

(They all look out to sea. A good distance from them there are bubbles rising up and getting closer. Then breaking the surface at a steady clip is a huge submarine in fabulous yellow. As it chugs along, "Yellow Submarine" plays from it. The nerds start groaning and covering their ears)

Dwarf Guy: Oh Gods, my uncultured ears can't handle such fine music!

Pirate Guy: Aye! Me hear-ties!

Otacon Guy: That's the worst pun I ever heard!

(The submarine reaches the beach and dry docks in the sand. Atop its watchtower thing a hatch opens and Duff pops out of it)

Duff: Nerds Ho!

(Jo comes out)

Jo: Seems that goldie of an oldie placated them a bit. Okay guys, come on out.

(The other Jedi start coming out)

W. Land Guy: Jedi!? What're you doing here?

Jo: We've come to have a word with you.

(At this time Rick has gotten out onto the sub's hull)

Grunt Guy: AH! Demon! He's come to kill us all! Well guess what: You'll never get to kill me!

(Pulls out a plasma grenade and throws it high in the air. He then runs a distance back and positions himself to get hit with the sticky. He runs ground giggling hysterically before exploding)

Kagome Girl: Retard…

Pirate Guy: What be the meaning of this here treachery, yar?

Will: This is no treachery. Think of it as an intervention.

Dwarf Guy: An intervention? For who?

Rick: For me.

W. Lando Guy: Yee! The killer speaks!

Anna: Stop with the gripes already!

Squishy: The Richter that killed your leaders was not really Richter. It was another devious plot of the Contractor.

Otacon Guy: Bull malarkey!

Stan: It's true! We heard him say it and everything! Or at least, mom and dad and our friends did.

Pirate Guy: What proof ye have?

Cope: You know….. we really don't have any.

Yu-Gi-Oh Guy: Then they are liars; protectors of the great usurper!

Dwarf: I say we give them a Dwarven burial, Eragon style!

Rick: If I could say something—

R. Mage Guy: Can it, cretin! We'll deal with you shortly!

Sally: Hey, that's my brother you're talking to!

R. Mage Guy: Whatcha gonna do, cry about it?

Jo: All of you just shut up! You nerds better calm down and give Richter a chance or I'm putting on "Pinball Wizard"! (There are shocked gasps, then they all begrudgingly go quiet) Go on, Rick.

Rick: Thanks, Jo. Now, everyone, I will admit I have done terrible things this past half day. There were things that have no doubt caused irreparable damage on your views towards me, the Jedi, and all the Republic. But I had no control over these actions. My body was a tool misused for the mad desires of a crazed entity. However, I was used due to my own uncertainty. I had doubt in my heart which the Contractor grabbed hold of and warped to his liking. So in a way, I share some of the blame for your suffering. But now, after seeing the darkness in my heart, and the weaknesses in my my soul, I wish to redeem myself; to free myself of the guilt which has plagued me since my reawakening. So please, all I ask is for a chance to prove my worth as a civil being, and that I'm trustworthy enough to bring protection, not harm, to all those who live in my galaxy. Can I have that chance?

(Silence)

Yu-Gi-Oh Guy: Your plea is touching and all, but we got bigger things to worry about. Your actions have left us leader-less. We're too lazy to go screening for them, and everyone's afraid of you Jedi chopping us up.

W. Lando Guy: So who exactly could lead us?

?: We will.

(Walking into the nerd crowd are the pilots of Geek Squadron: Ted, Bill, John, and the lovable coward Hugo)

Otacon Guy: Abandoners! Why do you sully our ranks?!

Ted: It's pretty obvious, four-eyes: since we've gained backbones from military service, we four are more than qualified to lead you.

Red Mage Guy: Preposterous! You left our ways long ago, now you expect us to accept you as our leaders?

Bill: Hey man, don't get all out of whack. From the looks of things, you guys are in need of organizers, and we're the ones to do it.

Hugo: I'm not sure, fellas. Being a leader isn't really one of my strong suits, or any of my suits for that matter.

John: Come on, Hugo. You can't go on being the series' chicken; take initiative for once.

Dwarf Guy: I still won't trust you. Nobody will.

Ted: Well tough tiki little geeks, but that's the breaks. It's take it or leave it, so don't go complaining about it.

John: Yeah, we're your only choices. Your only hopeful choices.

Bill: So whaddya say?

(Unnerved silence)

Sylvia: Can you give it a shot? Accept these guys and come to forgive my son?

(Still unconvinced silence)

Anna: (Sigh) We'll throw in some hentai if you do it.

Pirate Guy: Me hentai!

W. Lando Guy: It will be rocky, but where there's hentai, there's a way. So come on down and we can talk. Richter can come too.

Rick: That's good to hear.

(Leaps off sub and onto beach. He walks up to W. Lando Guy, and after slight hesitation they shake hands. The whole beach roars with cheers from everyone)

Chris: Now it's time for the overly extended credit sequence.

Squishy: And what could accompany it better than some J-rock? Hit it, Duff.

(Duff pushes a button and the sub starts playing "21st Century Boy" from Gitaroo-Man. The camera pulls back to show the beach alive with celebration. With the whole island in view, the screen starts to fill with black from the sides of the screen. Before it all goes dark, a jelly bean-headed dog pokes its head through and stops the music)

Puma: Wait wait wait wait wait a second! Hold the credits!

Huh? Puma!? What're you doing here?

Puma: Protecting my copyrights, that's what!

What're barking about?

Puma: You've been using my game way too much in your stories. Start coming up with something original!

What do you mean "original"? I haven't made a Gitaroo Man reference since the 5th trilogy!

Puma: Yeah, but you used us a bunch of times before that! You've reached your limit for this series.

Oh, come on! I need something to finish this trilogy up! I'm tired; throw me a bone, dawg!

Puma: Nope. Sorry, but that's how it is.

Oh, fine. I didn't feel like it but I guess I'm gonna have to make an actual handcrafted ending. Dang jelly bean-headed freak… Okay, here's some more paper, tissues, CDs, and nooooooooow there—

(All is quiet. We see a large clearing surrounded by woods in the middle of the island. All the nerds are gathered there with the Jedi, the military heads, Duff and his robot command, and a huge stage. On the stage is Richter, Squishy, Will and Cope with their appropriate instruments. The other Jedi are watching them from the front row of the crowd. Piano begins to play, then)

Rick:

I've paid my duuues.

Time after tiiime.

I've done my sentence...

But committed no crime.

And bad mistakes…

I've made a feeeew.

I've had my share of (Guitar) sand kicked in my face,

But I've come throoooooooough!

Guys:

And we need to go on and on and on and on!

Rick:

Weeeeeeee are the champions, my friiiiiends!

And weeeeee'll keep on figh-ting, til the end!

All:

Weee, arrre, the champions.

WEE, ARRE, THE CHAMPIONS!

Rick:

Noooooo time for loooooosers, cuz—

All:

Weeeee, ARRE, THE CHAMPIONS!

Rick:

Of the woooooooooooooooooooooorld!

(A pause, then)

Rick:

I've taken my bows.

And my, curtain caaalls.

You've brought me fame and fortune and everything that

Goes with it.

I thank you all…

But it's been no bed of roses.

No pleasure cruuuuuise.

I consider it a challenge before the whole human race,

And I ain't, gonna LOOOOOOOSE!

Guys:

And we need to go on and on and on and on!

Rick:

Weeeeee are the champions, my friiiiiend!

And weeeee'll keep on figh-ting, til the end.

All:

We, are, the champions.

WEEE, ARRE, THE CHAMPIONS!

Rick:

Noooooo time for loooooosers, cuz—

All:

WEEEEE, ARRRE, THE CHAMPIONS!

Squishy: Of the wooo—

Rick:

Weeeeeee are the champions, my friiiiiends!

And weeeee'll keep on figh-ting, til the end.

All:

Weee, arre, the champions.

WEEE, ARRE, THE CHAMPIONS!

Rick:

Noooooo time for looooooosers, cuz—

All:

WEEE, ARRRE, THE CHAMPIONS!

(It quiets down, then goes dark)

(Some time later. We see Sally walk out of the woods into an open space. Before her is Richter sitting atop a rock looking at the ocean sunset. All the while "The Lonely Shepherd" from Kill Bill is playing in the background)

Sally: There you are!

Rick: (Noticing her) Hey Sal. Looking for me?

Sally: Not really. I was just looking for someplace quiet. Those nerds can be pretty rowdy when there's Mountain Dew around.

Rick: Yeah, I bet. Wanna sit down?

Sally: Sure. (She sits on the sand next to the rock) It's a real nice sunset.

Rick: Yep. It really is.

Sally: Kinda like one of those inner reflection sunsets. The ones where you look back on things and get all appreciative for what you have. (Looks up to her brother) I'm glad we got you back, both alive and to your old self. I missed talking to that Rick: the one who's always eager to have an adventure, sneaking aboard a ship going into a war zone.

Rick: I'm nowhere as reckless nowadays.

Sally: Yeah: we got a little older, and we're just gonna keep on getting older. But that never keeps these conversations from being fun. Sibling bonding and all. One of these days I should get Stan in on these so it's not just between us. Don't want him to be a loner like you.

Rick: Certainly not, heheh… (Some silence) A lot has happened these past few days. The nerds, the Contractor, those three game villains, me singing—

Sally: That was an awesome show, by the way.

Rick: Thanks. But, after all that, there's still one thing that sorta bothers me.

Sally: What's that?

Rick: It's that dream I had: The one where I was talking to the Contractor. Whenever he spoke, I didn't detect any hint of malice or ill will in his words. He didn't sound like someone filled with contempt toward us.

Sally: Really?

Rick: It's weird, but I thought I heard some concern in his tone. As if he cared about what was brewing in me.

Sally: That does sound pretty weird. You were probably just imagining things. But if not, then why would he sound concerned after everything he did?

Rick: I don't know. But, it would explain why he sounded the same way back on Dagobah.

Sally: Dagobah?

Rick: Oh, darn, I never told any of you about that part of his plan. Once we get back, I'll explain it to everyone.

Sally: You better. Can't go withholding important backstory details just for yourself.

Rick: I guess not. Especially when it comes to understanding the Contractor, and why he wants to destroy us.

Sally: A real mystery for a real weirdo.

Rick: Hopefully one that will get answered someday.

Sally: (Nods) Hopefully...

(Camera turns up to show the orange sky and clouds)

THE END