Steve Warz

Episode [Gibson Flying V Bass]:

Opening Act

aka

Foreplay/Long Time

Three years had passed since the end of the Contractor's campaign to conquer the galaxy. All was well and the Republic was running smoothly. The Jedi still kept the peace, this time against nerd enclaves which had been popping up every once in a while. There was resistance, but nothing the Jedi nor the Republic forces couldn't handle. And for a time, things went as such.

But then, something happened.

The nerds began retaliating against the abuse they were facing: not through violence, but through demonstrations of... protesting?WTF!? Once fierce warriors, the nerds had inexplicably taken on the roles of hippie peaceniks, making drum circles and non-violent protest marches wherever they could gather. Though local Republic authorities kept breaking up these groups, more and more nerds entered the galaxy and the public spotlight with a growing voice demanding rights, protection and fair treatment. A key component in this growth was the nerd's speaker/leader, Billy Mitchell: tobasco sauce mogul and world champion of Pac-Man. His fiery words and strong beliefs of equality rallied the once scattered cause into the reckoning force it's becoming. Every one of his speeches brought a full house of attendance with each event getting larger and bolder. In fact, the nerds had been drawing closer to doing something real big: an act to rattle the galaxy. Let's have a looksie…

(Show a large, snow globe-like space station hanging over Endor surrounded by small ships. Inside, there are great bleachers and platforms packed with tons of chatty, yelling nerds. Many of them are dressed in costume, making them all the more motley beneath the see-through glass dome. Presiding over this sweaty congregation is Billy Mitchell, onstage and behind a gray lectern)

Billy: My brothers! For too long our kind has been oppressed by a galaxy who find us to be sub-human and even dangerous! (Roaring rapport) Those beliefs are ill just, my friends. Just because the nerds before us were of a vicious breed doesn't mean that all nerds, geeks, dorks and fan boys are the same! (Another hearty response) We're human, just like everybody else! We make mistakes, we feel pain, and we know when we've been done wrong! So wouldn't it make just as much sense that we also get the same rights, fair treatment and respect that every native citizen has? What do you say? (Mass agreement) Well I certainly think we do! I think we've done enough to earn our freedoms from prejudice! I say that the hate should end and that the galaxy should open its arms and let us in with peace and love, just as any multi-colored humanoid would condone! (More yells) We have tried to protest and present our ideals in a civil manner, but I believe now it's time to take real action! We should take it to the streets! We must take it to their very doorsteps! We must take it to all seats of power! We have to make all these people hear our message and see that we are not a force to be easily quelled! We have the numbers, but do we have the initiative to assert ourselves? I ask you now, brothers: will you join me in the great crusade to snatch back our dignity and man and womanhoods as nerds? (The place goes crazy with approving yells and "aiees.") Then it is settled! Our final bid for freedom shall begin, Immediately! Hit it, Charles!

(A nearby drummer dressed as R2-D2 starts playing a steady beat)

Billy: We're not goonna take it!

No! We're not gonna take it!
We're not goonna take it, anymooooore!

(The place goes crazy with yells as the nerds rush out to spread their message to a rocking guitar)

Billy: We've got the right to choose it! (Spreading pamphlets)
There ain't no way we'll lose it!
This is our life;
This is our soooooong! (Guitar)

We'll fight the powers that be just!
Don't pick our destiny cuz…
You don't know us,
You don't belooooong! (Guitar)

Nerds: We're not gonna take it!
No! We're got gonna take it!
We're not goona take it, anymooore!

Billy: Oh you're so condescending! (To Republic)
Your goal is never-ending!
We don't want nothin' not a thing from youuuu! (Guitar)

Your life is trite and jaded; (Riot squad attack)
Boring and confiscated!
If that's your best;

Your best won't dooooo!

(A bunch of Trekkies in red shirts appear)

Red Shirt Chorus: Whoooooa ohhhh oh.
Whooooa ohhhh oh.

Billy: We're right!

Nerds: Yeah!

Billy: We're free!

Nerds: Yeah!

Billy: We'll fight!

Nerds: Yeah!

Billy: You'll seeeeeeee! (Great cheers) Whoa whoa—

Nerds: We're not goonna take it!
No! We're not gonna take it!
We're not goonna take it, anymooooore!

We're not goonna take it!
No! We're not gonna take it!
We're not gonna take it, anymooooore!

Billy: No way!

(A 40-year old balding fat virgin dressed like Sailor Moon shreds out a long, awesome guitar solo that plays out the last section. Then)

Red Shirt Chorus: Wooooah ohhhh oh.
Wooooah ohhhh oh.

Billy: We're right!

Nerds: Yeah!

Billy: We're free!

Nerds: Yeah!

Billy: We'll fight!

Nerds: Yeah!

Billy: You'll seeeeeeeeee!

(Turn to Coruscant where the buildings and walkways are covered in nerds. Only the drum is heard with the voices)

Nerds: We're not goonna take it.
No! We're not goonna take it.
We're not goonna take it, anymoooore.

(Guitar flares up again as the nerds continue singing. We see Billy walk up the steps leading to the Jedi Temple flanked by his followers. At the top of the steps are the Jedi in a line holding fast. When Billy reaches them all becomes sudden, anxious silence. The two sides stare each other down)

Billy: So… Will you take us seriously?

(More quiet)

Jo: Hmmmmm... Okay, you got our attention. Step inside and we'll talk turkey.

(Thunderous cheers from the whole cityscape ring out as the two shake hands before stepping into the temple)

Thus, all of nerd-dom was acknowledged by the Republic as a relevant social and political entity. One-and-a-half years followed that momentous day, and all that time has been spent moving nerds to camps on planets that they prefer. True to their word, each individual nerd group held their own government that maintained their ranks and swore allegiance to the Republic. However, there were nerds who still sought the old ways and rebelled against their councils. These misfits detached from their enclaves, formed military bands, and set about harassing parts of the galaxy in search of frivilous conquest. Such actions only worsened the presence of discrimination that was apparent among galactic civilians since the nerds' admittance.

So in response to this unrest, the Republic have sent the Jedi out to once again maintain peace and stop these rogue militias. Fortunately, they themselves have become stronger with the induction of the three Jaa-Ruuk children, who have grown exponentially over the years and have reached the mental maturity of someone nearing the age of 20. Along with the appropriate training from their parents, the three are more than well-qualified enough to become esteemed Padawans. But can they hold their own in the face of battle? Only time will tell...

(Show an orange and black, thunderous and clouded sky. Stepping into view as a domineering figure is some fat guy dressed like Gandalf, including pointy hat, staff and fake shaggy beard. Sadly, his voice is awfully high pitched for the role)

Gandalf Guy: My brethren, too long we have been deceived! The ones who call themselves our "leaders" have aligned with the treacherous Republic, which seeks to destroy us. Their politics have weakened our spirits in the hopes of wiping us out through complacency! The only path for salvation is to strike down this vicious "democracy" as our forefathers have tried before! Once we have sent the scum into their tainted holes, then we shall uproot the ones who have betrayed us. Only then will we truly rule the galaxy that is before us. Now onwards my brothers: to the glory of Battle!

(Pull back to reveal an immense dirt field covered entirely in orc-wannabes and oliphants. The view pulls even further to show how outrageously wide the field is is. Soon the camera stops on a hill where the Jedi watch the approaching army. They're standing calm and seemingly bored)

Squishy: How much do you think are in this one?

Cope: 3000, give or take.

Anna: Pah! Nothing like the last one.

Will: Still a formidable number.

Jo: Standard fair all the same, Will. We go straight up the middle and take down the leader. The rest should scatter without trouble.

Sara: So force our way through?

Sylvia: Seems that way. You nervous?

Sara: Nah. Just making sure.

Jo: Right. Then we're set. (They draw their sabers) When in doubt, go for the groin.

(They rush headlong into the mass. They plow through the first 50 feet without trouble but stop when the enemy converges on them. They duck, dodge and slash their way through the sweaty nerds. They kick and punch and Anna even throws in some Force Shock to mix it up. As they near the other end of the field the leader takes notice)

Gandalf Guy: Converge my brothers! Don't let the desecrators reach the command hill!

(The area before him thickens. The Jedi take out more troops, with Copeland downing an oliphant through sheer jaw-dropping acrobatics)

Squishy: That only counts as one! (Copeland takes out three more in quick succession) Oh, well, nevermind.

(Still, the number of remaining opponents is considerable)

Loudspeaker: Hang tight, guys! Reinforcement's on the way!

(Roaring over the battle field comes the Century Sparrow II. It hangs over the enemy army before releasing a payload of concussion grenades, clearing circular spot. Dropping out of the ship come two Ssi-Ruuk variants. One of them, the petite Sally, lands gracefully while her scrawny brother Stan hits the ground on his scaly rump. Once he's up, the two whip out sabers and go at the enemy. The Jedi join them)

Sylvia: Sally! Where's Richter?

Sally: I don't know. He wasn't on the ship when we left.

Squishy: You feeling all right, Stan? That must've hurt.

Stan: I-It's fine, Dad. I was just a bit off-balanced up there.

Jo: Come on, guys! We've got to keep moving!

(They push on. Soon they break out of the melee and land before the leader, who has raised his staff high over his head)

Gandalf Guy: You, Shall, Not, PASS!

(Quick slashes appear and the staff shatters, making him cry in fright)

?: I wouldn't be doing that if I were you.

(He turns around. Standing tall and solemn is a robed reptile holding a lightsaber, accompanied by the Turks theme from FFVII. The only thing visible within the person's hood are two grave yellow eyes)

Rick: That is, if want to keep all your limbs intact.

Sally: Ricky!

Gandalf Guy: Crossbreed! How dare you dirty the air I breathe with your very presence!

Rick: Look man, it would be wise if you kept the matters of my heritage out of this. So why don't you just give up and come with us quietly? I don't think any of your "troops" would object.

(Show the field which is now bereft of troops; there's only cricket sounds)

Gandalf Guy: Never! I refuse to be detained by freaks like you!

Rick: Alright, if that's your attitude. I'll just have to incapacitate you and make you come along.

Gandalf Guy: Ha! Just try to knock me out. But first, you'll have to catch me! (Runs off) So long, suckas!

(In a flash, Rick rushes him and cuts out his legs. The poor sap hits the ground, losing his hat and fake beard)

Gandalf Guy: AAAAAHH! My legs! You cut off my freakin' legs! AGONY! Where are my Elixirs? My precious hash pipe? Daddy needs his healing toke REAL BAD!

(He continues screaming as Rick sheathes his saber hilt and the other Jedi come over)

Stan: Holy crap, Rick. That's brutal.

Anna: Why did you go and do that, Rick?!

Rick: He was annoying me, plus he tried to make a run for it.

Sara: You could have Force Stunned him.

Rick: Hadn't had time to think of that option.

(Squishy approaches him, ignoring the screaming man nearby)

Squishy: Richter, it's important to remember restraint. You should only attack if you're being attacked yourself. This man was unarmed and completely helpless. It's great that you didn't kill him, but next time try not to be so impulsive with your actions.

Rick: Sorry, father. I'll be sure to remember that the next time.

Cope: I'm afraid there won't be a next time, Rick. You maimed just about every other leader we've gone after.

Rick: Yes, well, most of them shot first.

Jo: In any case, guys, we've done our job here. Another militant batch of nerds disbanded, with their leader in custody. It's time we reported back to Ackbar.

Rick: Superb. I'll go get uncle Steezy to pick us up. (Walks off)

Sally: Wait, Rick! Why don't I come along? You know, to talk and stuff.

Rick: No thanks, sis. I feel like walking alone for now. Besides, you should watch "Mr. Gray" over there. See ya. (Walks off again)

Sally: But Rick… (Dejected)

Sara: He's been quite the loner lately.

Will: Yeah. Kinda like how I was before I met you, Sara.

Gandalf Guy: Such pain! Oh Lord Bombadil, what have I ever done to deserve this?!

(Some time later. In orbit around Kessel is Home One and some other ships. In the command quarters, the main Jedi are holding a meeting with Ackbar and Chris)

Ackbar: So what's your progress, Jedi?

Jo: The Middle-Earth Rollers are no more. All members have been dispersed and their leader is in captivity.

Ackbar: Good. Excellent work.

Chris: But not good enough, fellas.

Sylvia: Huh? How come?

Ackbar: While you were clearing up Kessel, several more rebel groups began cropping up around the Outer Rim. Intelligence shows that they are being directed from hidden sources.

Chris: Seems your son's rep for chopping up nerds is giving these new leaders cause to keep their heads down. No one's hankering to lead the charge like before.

Ackbar: Meaning it's going to be more bothersome to stop these groups. (Groans and sighs) Still, you did a job well done. Go and rest up until your next assignment. It ought to be a while before I get the specifics, so enjoy the break.

Jo: Yes, Admiral. We'll be sure to do that.

Ackbar: Good. Now go, and may the Force be with you.

(The Jedi leave the quarters and walk down the hall)

Anna: Ah man, I thought we were done with these guys already!

Will: No matter how many nerds we bash, more just pop up. Almost like zits following a Pizza Hut-fueled night of Warcraft.

Sara: Gross, Will. (Will just shrugs)

Squishy: Plus with all these random attacks, business on Jawa Home has been slow. It's a regular ghost ship these days.

Cope: There's no use complaining. We're Jedi, and it's our job to fight these people.

Jo: He's right. So long as these guys are bothering the Republic, we have to deal with them.

?: We? Don't you mean "they" should handle them?

(The group stops. Leaning against a wall with arms crossed is Rick with his head bowed. Next to him is a large window showing the orange planet)

Sara: Rick?

Jo: What do you mean?

Rick: It should be obvious, Master Joseph. These militia groups aren't our problem.

Cope: What're you talking about? Of course they're our problem!

Rick: Nooo, think about it. When did these groups start attacking us? When we let the nerds take up house. So wouldn't it make sense for the nerds to deal with their bad eggs themselves?

Sara: But they can't, Rick. These groups are out of the nerd councils' jurisdiction.

Rick: That's a massive load of malarkey. These enemies are nerds; it should be the nerds that should handle it. Leave us native-borns out of it.

Sylvia: Why are you talking like this, Richter?

Jo: Yeah, what're you getting at?

Rick: It's real simple. I'm saying that we shouldn't have let those geek bags into the Republic in the first place. They've caused everyone trouble back then, so denying them residence would have saved us the trouble they're making now.

Sylvia: Richter, you can't go grouping those rebels with those who want to make peace so readily.

Squishy: Your mother's right, son. I thought we taught you better about racial tolerance. You have no right to assume all nerds are troublemakers!

Rick: (Standing straight) Oh I have every right to think like that! I was raised in this galaxy, and I have a duty to protect it. And I say these nerds need to leave or else we'll be up to our necks in sweaty Chobits fans!

Jo: Such talk is ill befitting a Padawan, Rick. Stop it at once!

Rick: No, darn it! I won't stop voicing my belief until you all admit that it's true! Father, you told me that nerds and fanboys tried to destroy this galaxy. Was that just myth or an outright lie?

Squishy: Well, no, but still—

Rick: Then we shouldn't tolerate these bags of garbage! Letting them in just shows that the Republic is quick to forget past wrongs with the right political persuasion! What good is accepting an enemy if they're going to attack us again, only from within? These freaks only got in because our politicians are spineless slobs!

Cope: You've said enough! Quiet down and take a—

Rick: I'll Never Quiet Down! (Slams fist into wall) Even you, the "great" Jedi Masters, fail to see how stupid and pointless this alliance is! Open your eyes and get rid of these pests!

Squishy: That's enough, Richter! This isn't proper behavior!

Rick: I don't care, dad! But since you agree with every other numbskull here I'll just go to my quarters and fume a bit. Don't any of you come bother me, or else! (Stomps off)

Will: Did he seriously just threaten us?

Anna: That's some major teenage angst brewing there. I believe you had a whole lot of it spilling over in your younger days, Alex.

Cope: Yes, regrettably. Still, I'm not so keen on that kind of backtalk within our ranks.

Will: Maybe if he took off his hood every once and a while he'd chill out a bit. Kinda hard to be positive when you have your face covered all the time.

Jo: You know what, I've never seen what's under that hood of his.

Sylvia: He's very touchy about his looks. Not that there's anything wrong with his appearance, it's just... well, my kind at that age can be especially confrontational.

Sara: Looks that way.

Squishy: (Sigh) I'm afraid it might not just be growing pains. It seems my fears are beginning to be realized.

Cope: Fears? What fears?

Squishy: A reason for Rick to hold a grudge against the nerds. One I wished had never happened.

Sylvia: What reason? What happened, Squishy?

Squishy: I'm not sure if it really did happen, but now it's becoming more likely. It was about a year ago, back during the Nerd Settlement Initiative. I took Rick with me to Dagobah when I was helping the effort there.

Sylvia: (Shocked) You took Richter out to Dagobah without telling me?

Will: Oh man, you dun goofed.

Anna: Squishy, dude, you always tell your woman where you're going. Just ask Alex.

Cope: (Regretful) Yes, trying to keep secrets will only end badly for you. Real badly.

Squishy: I didn't think it was necessary; plus I thought it would be good for him to be surrounded by so much life force. Unfortunately, at some point we got seperated in the swamps. I spent an hour looking and calling for him, unable to pick out his presence. Eventually he came out of the brush, looking perfectly fine. After I got him back to camp, I went back to where I found him, curious as to what he might have gotten into. When I searched around, I found a clearing where this nerd was lying on the ground: all cut up and dead.

Sara: Oh my god...

Squishy: I had always assumed it was some predator that got the nerd. But now, seeing the way Rick's behaving, I'm beginning to wonder...

Sylvia: Don't you dare wonder something like that! There's no way my little Richter could do something so horrible!

Jo: You're jumping to conclusions a bit quickly there, Squishy. There could be other reasons why Rick is so miffed. He's probably just tired from all the fighting, like the rest of us.

Will: Yeah. All this galaxy-trotting has got us all worn out. He just needs rest, that's all.

Sara: We all do.

Squishy: Yeah, you might be right, Jo. I was just shocked by his behavior, is all.

Anna: We all were, Squishter.

Will: Welp. Guess we'll be seeing ya's.

Cope: Yeah. I'll be in the rec room for a bit.

Sylvia: We'll be in our rooms. Later.

Jo: Later.

(They say their goodbyes and seperate. We then turn to the cabin occupied by the Jaa-Ruuk siblings Stan and Sally. Sal is listening and humming along to some headphones while her more timid brother just reads a book. At that moment the door slides open and Rick broods his way past them. Sally pulls off her headphones upon seeing him)

Sally: Hey Rick! How's it going?

Rick: Don't wanna talk.

(He goes into his private room and seals the door. Sal sighs dejectedly at that, which catches Stan's attention)

Sally: Why has he been avoiding us lately? Did you mess with something of his?

Stan: N-no, sis, I haven't. You know how he likes to be more serious about things, especially after we became Jedi. He's probably just going for that stoic "don't-mess-with-me" image.

Sally: But we always talk about things when there's nothing else going on, and he hasn't wanted to hang out for over a week. I'm starting to get worried. You know what I mean, Stan?

Stan: Yeah, yeah I do. (Puts down book) Still probably not a good idea to barge in on him right now. He'll likely talk to you if he's too bothered by something. I mean, it's mostly with you he likes to talk with these days. Between him and me, we hardly say or do anything. Not even guy stuff.

Sally: That's because you need to stop being so quiet and sensitive. We got sharp teeth and claws, but you sometimes act like we're still dad's size. You need to toughen up, bro.

Stan: Well, uh, that's just, not me. You know?

(Sally only harrumphs teasingly, and right then the PA system dings in)

PA: Attention ship crew and passengers. We will now be heading to Tatooine for resupply. All crew prepare for hyperspace, and remember to be well.

(Ship makes the leap. Traversing the streaks of passing star systems, there is a voice)

No better opportunity than this...

I've waited around long enough; it's time to take action.

(An indeterminate amount of time later, we turn to a huge rock formation amidst plateaus and sand on a clear, sunny day. The formation has a hole for an entrance, and inside, gathered around a fire, are several nerd dignitaries in a spacious, earthy chamber. At the head of the group is Billy Mitchell)

Billy: The Second Annual Nerd Summit shall come to order. Like last year, we'll be discussing each region's current status, immediate concerns and a round of possible solutions for these problems from each member. But first, the opening prayer.

(A Spock dude stands up)

Spock Dude: Let it always be known that all ye faithful will be beamed up to the heavens, and that the undying Kirk blesses all gatherings of peace. The Enterprise be with us.

(Everyone makes the Live Long And Prosper sign while saying "Nanoo-Nanoo" solemnly)

Billy: Thank you, Mick. Attendance Czar?

(A hobbit guy stands)

Hobbit: All colonies are present and accounted for, with the exception of the Dathomir head. He's being held up by the local population.

Twi'lek Guy: Heh. Trust ol' Bob to be flirtin' with those witches, not to mention that rancor fetish o' his.

Billy: Yes, quite. Now back to business... What is the first order of business?

(Loin cloth man stands)

Endor Rep: We of the Endor settlement wish to expand. The local furries are tired of the Ewoks and are pestering me to add some variety. So if not an expansion, then at least a transferal.

Billy: You'll have to talk with the Kashyyyk head before such things can be done.

Kashyyk Rep: (In Wookiee) Never! I refuse to have you yiff freaks defile our noble Wookiee hosts' homes!

Endor: Hey! Not all of us like that stuff! We'd much prefer hentai thank you very much!

Billy: Hey now, calm down, fellas. You can settle this after the meeting. Any other topics for discussion?

(Turn to some 400 pound blob of a man who looks like a Hutt, making gasps and grunts and belches that kinda sounds like Huttese)

Hutt Guy: (In Huttese) I believe the more pressing concern to us is the Jedi. Lately they have been hassling our settlements in search of "rogue" nerds. Just two weeks ago we lost a sand crawler to them, saying it was a housing base for rogue Jawa-ites. A load of hogwash I say.

Bothan Guy: The fat inept is right! Those Jedi are becoming a nuisance to our clan stability!

Aqualish Guy: The furry's right! Most of my group fear the Jedi and are threatening to rebel themselves!

(A Tuskan Raider guy starts making indistinct roarings and gruntings)

Moff Tarkin Guy: I'll have to disagree with the butt chin and the retard. The Jedi's methods tend to be rash, but they're necessary in maintaining peace within our own ranks as well as the Republic's.

Klingon Guy: Nonsense! They're going too far!

Tifa Man: They're endangering our livelihoods, guv-ner!

Billy: Well, gentlemen, if we do stop the Jedi from performing their duties, how else are we going to stop the rebel attacks?

HK-47 Guy: Suggestion: maybe the Jedi can exercise more non-lethal, non-violent alternatives.

Inuyasha Guy: Yeah! Those guys have the Force; they should just Force Stun the fools!

Tidus Guy: But they're our kin! We can't subjugate them for being different.

Hagrid Guy: You always were a candy-a**, Nick!

Tidus Guy: I am not! Just sensitive!

Billy: (Great sigh) Chief Advisor, what do you think?

(Show guy dressed as a Paladin on the floor with D&D dice)

Advisor: Magic missile's been deflected, d**n it!

Billy: Look people! We can't go arguing with each other over every little thing. We fought hard to gain what we have, and I don't want to see it lost to petty squabble. (Everyone looks ashamed) Now until we calm down and work together, I can't see any other way to fix our problems.

?: I have a suggestion: How bout you and your grease bags load up and get the h**l out of this galaxy.

(They all look toward the entrance. Standing there and silhouetted against blinding white light is a tall, cloaked figure)

Klingon Guy: An interloper!

Advisor: Stand back, sir! I'll handle this fiend! (Thorws out dice) NOO! I poisoned myself! (Falls to ground) Get out while you still can!

Billy: Chill, Mike. (To person) Friend, you obviously have some problem greatly troubling you.

Man: Yeah, I got a problem alright: It's called a bunch of geeks who decided to come in, stink up my galaxy, and bite the hand that tries to clean them. You're all just a bunch of filthy ingrates that serve no purpose here except to whine and moan and b**ch about nothing.

Billy: Now sir, you can't really mean all that.

Man: I sure as h**l mean all that! You come here seeking conquest twice, and now you expect mercy and acceptance? Though the government was foolish enough to comply, I still know better. Which is why every one of you scum should crawl back to whatever basement you hail from and leave our fresh air alone. Or else, things are gonna get nasty.

Endor Rep: Brigand!

Twi'lek Guy: Monster!

Tidus Guy: Meanie!

Billy: Settle down, guys. Okay mister, you have our attention. Why don't you step inside so we can discuss ways to meet your converns peacefully?

Man: Uh-huh. Discuss this!

(A clawed hand pulls out a blaster and shoots. Billy appears stunned, then looking down he sees a huge hole in his torso set to shocking sting music. He looks up)

Billy: My only regret... is that I never got to try... my own sauce. Guuuuhhh.

(Sinks to the floor to Pac-Man death music. After staring a bit, the delegates look up towards the figure)

Man: Well, gentlemen. (Brings up two blaster rifles) Meeting is now in session.

(Switch to Home One. In a dark room, Squishy and Sylvia are sleeping in bed, with Squishy snoring loudly. A nearby communicator starts blinking and beeping loudly)

Squishy: (Mumbling) Five more minutes, mom... (Snore)

Sylvia: (Shoves Squishy) Get the phone, dear.

(Squishy grumbles, gets out of bed and stumbles over to the device. He pushes a button and a voice comes through)

Voice: Squishy? Sylvia? Are you there? This is Chris. You're needed planetside ASAP!

Squishy: (Half-asleep) But I don't wanna work Mos Eisley. It smells...

Chris: It's important, Squishy. It's your son.

(Sylvia raises her head from her pillow at the sound of that, and Squishy awakens more as well. Some time later, we turn to the rock formation from before, only now it's close to dusk and the outer perimeter of it is surrounded by a large police blockade. Various hovercraft make up this blockade as a huge crowd of spectators is held back by several officers. The Jedi arrive on the scene and head over to where Chris is overseeing things)

Chris: Jedi. About time you showed up.

Squishy: What's going on, Chris?

Chris: It's pretty bad. This could set back nerd relations for years. And right as I was about to start my own bingo league.

Sylvia: What about our son? Which one? (Steezy, Sally and Stan arrive) Oh no...

Chris: Guess that answers your question.

Steezy: What's up, guys?

Sally: Is something wrong, Chris?

Chris: You bet your scales something's wrong. It seems your brother Rick has gone feral.

Stan: Rick!?

Jo: Now wait a second, that can't be it.

Squishy: Yeah. What do you really know about all this?

Chris: I think this is best explained by a professional. Chief!

(An official trots over)

P. Chief: Sir?

Chris: Inform the Jedi of the current situation, Chief.

P. Chief: Yes sir. (To Jedi) About an hour ago, shooting was heard inside the formation. When we responded to witness calls we heard the firings still going on and found a nerd dressed as R2-D2 fleeing the site. After being slapped out of droid speak he said that the annual nerd summit was taking place inside, and that the shooting occurred when something he calls the "reptile demon" came in, killed the overseer, and then started blasting everything that moved. We believe that Billy Mitchell was the overseer and that it was your son Richter who started shooting, based on physical description.

Stan: No way...

Will: Mitchell is dead?

Anna: By Ricky?!

Sally: No... That can't be... It can't be true!

P. Chief: It's been quiet thirty minutes now. We're just waiting for the perp to come out.

Squishy: This, can't be right...

Chris: I'm afraid it's very likely, little man. The evidence is pointing very sternly at your son committing mass murder.

Steezy: I'm not down with your fingering, Officer!

P. Chief: Well it's still there nonetheless. Tell me, have any of you noticed anything odd about your son, maybe pertaining to nerds in general?

Sally: No. He's always been his usual self. More gruff and grumpy, but nothing else.

Cope: There's that instance back on Home One.

Jo: Oh right! We bumped into him after talking to Ackbar and he—

Officer: Chief! There's movement at the entrance!

(All attention turns toward the entrance. Stepping out from the hole's confines is Richter, walking solemn and calm like a man on death row. He stops midway between the barricade and the entrance. The barricade fills with the sounds of dozens of cops cocking their guns and aiming at Rick)

Speaker: Hold it right there, dirtbag! Make one more step and we pump ya full of plasma!

Squishy: Are you people crazy? That's my son you're talking to!

Jo: And a Jedi in training!

P. Chief: That thing has just killed every nerd leader in the galaxy; he's committed severe political dissidence on top of a hefty murder charge!

Squishy: You're wrong! My son's innocent I say!

Rick: He's telling the truth, father. Don't hassle him.

Sylvia: Richter! What are you saying?

Rick: I'm sorry to have hurt you, mother, but it's painfully obvious what's going on. I have committed great wrongs and killed unarmed civilians. I am guilty...

P. Chief: HA! Straight from the lizard's mouth! And I say the sentence is immediate execution. Get ready to fire—!

Squishy: Hold on a sec! (Pushes down on cops' guns)

Stan: Yeah, it doesn't make sense why he's doing this.

Steezy: I agree; this whole thing's bogus.

Sylvia: Why did you kill all those people, Rick?

Rick: I, just can't say...

Officer: Bluff! He knows he's cornered!

Cope: Hush!

Rick: I don't recall why I did it... except that I did it.

Sally: That can't be it! Who really did this? Tell us, please!

Rick: I'm sorry, Sal, but I've said all there is to be said. So let me be taken away...

Steezy: Don't do this, Rick! Don't be a fool!

Stan: Don't take a fall like that, bro! Just say something!

P. Chief: I'm getting tired of this family crisis. Firing in—

Squishy: Chill, homies! (Pushes down guns again)

Rick: What I can say is that I now feel regret. I have killed without good reasoning and destroyed the best chance at stabilizing the nerds. Much suffering will follow thanks to my actions.

Sylvia: Richter...

Rick: I have brought shame to my family: to my parents, my siblings, and my caring uncle. I have betrayed the Jedi Order by using my powers for senseless slaughter. For these offenses, no punishment is too great. Although, when I'm gone, I ask that you all remember fondly of me from back before I became the monster standing before you now.

(All is silent. Plenty of people are blubbering and wiping their teary eyes)

Spectator: Well... He doesn't seem so bad, officers. We could at least give him a fair trial.

P. Cheif: Grrrrr. My trigger finger's gotten all itchy from this waiting.

Rick: I don't need a trial to convey my feelings. Rather, I've decided to express my woes, to all of you here today, through the majesty of song. Which is why I have spared Mitchell's personal entourage of backup singers. (Makes hand gesture. Stumbling out of the hole comes the three-man Red Shirt chorus) These three shall help me in conveying my tale of regret. All that I ask for a last request is that you all listen with an unbiased ear.

(All goes deathly quiet. Only the desert wind is heard. Then)

Chorus:
Is this the reeeal life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a land-slide,
No escape from reality.

Open your eyeeeees, (Piano)
Look up to the skies and seeeeeeeeee.

Rick:
I'm just a poor boy.
I need no sympathy,

Chorus:
Because I'm easy come,
Easy go;
Little high,
Little low.

Rick:
Any way the wind—

Chorus:
Blows! Doesn't really matter to meeeeeeee.

Rick:
Tooo meeee...

(Cope begins playing piano for a bit, then)

Rick:
Mamaaaaa... Just killed a man...
Put a gun against his head:
Pulled my trigger, now he's dead.

Mamaaaaa... Life had just begun...
But now I've gone and thrown it Alll awaaaaay!

MAMAAAAAAA!
OoooooOooOOOOH.
Didn't mean to make you cry!
If I'm not back again
This time, tomorrow!
Carry on, carry on,
As if nothing really matters...

(Still more Cope piano)

Rick:
Too late... My time has come...
Sends shiver down my spine;
Body's aching all the tiiiime.

Goodbye, everybody!
I've got to gooo.
To leave you all behind to Faace the truuuuuth! (Some guitar)

MAMAAAAAAA!
OoooooOooOOOH!

Chorus:
Anyway the wind blows...

Rick:
I~ don't wanna diee!
I sometimes wish I've
Never been born
At ALLLLL!

(Squishy then wails out a solo on his personal guitar, playing hard yet soothingly for a bit. When he stops there is the tapping of a piano key)

Jo:
I see a little silhuetto of a man.

Jedi:
Scaramusch! Scaramusch!
Will you do the fan-dan-go?

Spectators:
Thunderbolt and lightning!
Very very fright-ning, ME!

Sally:
Galileo!

Stan:
Galileo!

Sally:
Galileo!

Stan:
Galileo!

Both:
Galileo Figaro!

Steezy:
Magnifi-COOOoooOOOoo!

Rick:
I'm just a poor boy
Nobody loves me.

Spectators:
He's just a poor boy
From a poor family!
Spare him his life
From this mon-strosity!

(Do-dee-do-dee-do)

Rick:
Easy come; easy go.
Will you let me go?

Chris:
Bismillah!

Cops:
NOO! We will not let you go!

Spectators: Let him GOOOOO!

Chris:
Bismillah!

Cops:
We will not let you go! (Cops close in)

Chirs: Bismillah!

Cops: We will not let you go! (Close in)

Spectators:
Let him go! (Rapid fire)

Cops:
Will not let you go! (Closer)

Jedi:
Let him go!

Cops:
Will not let you— (Closer)

Rick:
Well let me GooooOhh OHHH!

Cops:
No! No! No! No! NOO!

Rick:
Oh mama mia, mama mia!

Everyone:
Mama mia let me go!
Be-EL-zebub, has the devil put aside
For meeeeeee.
For meeeeeeee.
For MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(There is a spark, then Rick bursts through the cops and tears up the barricade with his lightsaber, accompanied by heavy guitar as he leaps and slashes and bludgeons wildly)

(More serious) Rick:
So you think you can stone me
And spit in my eyeee?! (Drum notes)

So you think you can love me
and leave me to DIIiIIIE!?

Squishy: But son—!

Rick: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh,
Baby!
Can't do this to me
Baby! (Cops dogpile him)

Just gotta get out!
Just gotta get right out of
Hereeeeeee!

(He goes about his run of destruction as the rock keeps rolling. Soon he starts tearing up hovercars, at one point lining up and dashing through three of them in a row. A pause for some piano playing, then in a huge blast of fire and guitar the hovercars explode and launch Rick through the air, gloriously gliding amidst embers and debris while being heralded by the chorus. He lands a nearby plateau and turns around as the guitar peters out)

(Calmer) Rick:
Nothing really matters.
Anyone can seeee. (Piano)
Nothing really matters.
Nothing really matters,
To meeeeeeee...

(He turns away and walks off, allowing his captive chorus to come forward to the somber sounds of piano and guitar)

Chorus:
Anyway the wind blows...

(A huge chunk of hovercar crushes the trio to the sound of a gong. At ground level, cops and flaming wreckage are scattered across the area. Everyone still standing are in shocked awe)

Sylvia: Squishy? Are you okay?

Squishy: (Crying) That's... My... BOY! Ha Ha Haaa! A real chip off the block! WOOO!

(Everyone hits the ground flat in disbelief. Later, medical personnel tend to the cops and place the spectators in recovery tents. The Jedi are in one, wrapped in blankets holding cups of cocoa. Chris, Steezy and the other kids are there as well)

Chris: Boy oh boy oh boyo boy. How to explain this to the higher ups... I'm not used to not being the cause of some public relations travesty.

Jo: Billy Mitchell and the nerd leaders dead. The media and the other nerds are gonna have our balls in a vice.

Will: But that's not the worst of it.

(The Jaa-Ruuk family gets solemn)

Sally: Rick... What happened to you?

Stan: I never would have dreamed of you having those kinds of problems.

Steezy: Didn't think he was this deadset against the nerds. Figured it was just him going through a phase, but if those kinds of people had that sort of effect on Rick—

Jo: Hey now, don't go thinking Rick was right in what he said! Everybody has a right to be in this galaxy, and Billy proved that his people could fit in just fine... for the most part.

Anna: Still, without their leaders, the nerds are bound to get hostile all over again, just like the old days.

Cope: Aye. Tis no rest for the weary.

Squishy: (Looking real down) I still can't believe all that happened. A spectacle to the ears, for sure; I never knew Rick had such an amazing singing voice. But most of all, those things Rick did...

Sylvia: I still don't believe it either, honey. A mother should know these things about their children. It's probably my ancestral clan's violent disposition rearing its ugly head, or that... thing on Dagobah. Though, I can't help but wonder if maybe I did something—

Sally: Don't talk like that, mom! None of this is your fault.

Stan: You were great at raising us. Rick is just being, well, uhm…

Sally: Overly dramatic, like he usually is.

Cope: Deathly so this time around, I should say.

Squishy: (Sigh) Time has gone by so fast. It was like yesterday I was teaching Rick the basics of life, back in more innocent days. I can still remember the day I taught him how to ride a bike...

(Flashback. Show a large, futuristic bike park with ramps and tracks. Standing by one bike is Squishy and a much smaller Richter)

Squishy: Okay, son. You ready for your big moment?

Rick: I don't know, dad. I'm still kind of scared.

Squishy: There's no need to be! A bicycle is a very safe mode of transport on any solid surface. The trick to using it is maintaining balance.

Rick: Balance?

Squishy: Yeah. Balance is what keeps you standing straight. When you get dizzy you wobble around the place, right? That's called being off-balance: when you can't keep yourself standing straight and your body wants to hit the ground.

Rick: Uh-huh. And how does that happen for a bike?

Squishy: Same principle applies, my son. While sitting on a bike you'll have to keep straight and center while at the same time pushing the pedals. That keeps the bike up and moving.

Rick: Sounds tough.

Squishy: It isn't really. Here, let me show you. (Starts putting Rick in position) You put your feet here, hands here, backside firmly on the seat, and voila!

(Stands back to show Rick in perfect bicycling form with fanfare)

Rick: So I just push the pedals... What if I fall?

Squishy: Don't worry, Richter. You already have a good sense of balance; you should know when things will get uneven. And if in doubt, remember the Force can help balance you out. You remember your basic Force training, don't you?

Rick: Ummm, I think so—

Squishy: Good, now off you go!

(Pushes Rick and bike down a ramp)

Rick: YAAAAA!

Squishy: Remember: Let the Force guide you! I'll be over at the snack shop when you're done!

(Walks off. Rick is yelling as he speeds uncontrollably through the park. He goes up and down ramps, through half-pipes, down a track of swinging blades, and even out runs a huge boulder. Soon he gets used to the bike and makes a huge jump over a chasm where he performs a Superman followed by fireworks. He lands and skids to a stop parallel to the table Squishy is sitting at)

Squishy: Ah, you're back. How was it?

Rick: It was great! It was so cool how I went through the park and up ramps and chased by a rock and golly gee it was cool!

Squishy: That's good to hear, Richter! I knew you'd pull through!

Rick: I know, and I know something else: I love bicycles. I'm going to keep riding bikes forever ever and ever and ever and EVER!

Chorus:
Bi-Cycle! Bi-Cycle! Bi-Cycle!

(Adult voice) Rick:
I want to ride my—

Chorus:
Bi-Cycle! Bi-Cycle! Bi-Cycle!

Rick:
Iwant to ride my Bi-Cy-Cle!
I want to ride my bike.
I want to ride my Bi-Cy-Cle!
I want to ride it where—

Sylvia: Um, Squishy?

Squishy: Huh?

(Cut back to the present, where Squishy has been abruptly snapped from his reverie)

Sylvia: Rick didn't do any singing that day. You said he spent another hour riding around the park and had lunch before coming back.

Squishy: Uh, yeah, that's right. It's just, after hearing him sing today like that. And I also really like that song...

Stan: Soooo, were the amazing bike stunts made up, too?

Squishy: Oh no; he was an absolute natural.

Sally: Wicked!

(Beeping comes from Chris)

Chris: It's the Admiral. I think you should all hear him this time. (Pushes a belt button) Yes Admiral?

Ackbar: Chris, are the Jedi with you?

Jo: We're here, Admiral.

Ackbar: Joseph? Good. Listen, I need all of you to report to Home One immediately for combat movement.

Will: Admiral, we just suffered serious shock down here. The nerds can wait.

Ackbar: I'm afraid it's not nerds, Will; it's something worse. Coruscant is under attack.

(Dun dun duun!)

Anna: Again?!

(Dun dun duh dun duh duh do be ee we DUUUUUUUN!)

TO BE CONTINUED...