Author's Notes:

This is one of the oldest ideas in my list of oneshots/stories to write, put down shortly after I made this account. I toyed with it for a long time until I felt I finally had an idea worth doing. This is actually based heavily off of unpublished work I did pre-AberrantScript.

I guess there's a lot of stuff I could say about this... but I think this can speak better than I can.

Disclaimer: The Loud House Copyright Nickelodeon (2017)

RELAXING ROMANCE

I hugged my darling wife to my chest in a loving squeeze. I felt her melt against me, sagging into my arms, and I planted my lips in her silky black hair.

I knew she was going to have a rough day. She'd called to let me know that she'd be late, even. She was such a hard worker, and I wanted to show her how much I loved her just for being herself: a loving mother, a caring wife, and a strong woman. Three shades and more to the wonderful person I'd married: Mrs. Ronnie Anne Loud.

I led her to the living room so the kids would know their mommy was home. And soon a six-year-old ball of sunshine with a long, snowy ponytail rammed into her leg, squeezing her tightly.

"Hi, mommy!"

Our five-year-old son came behind her a bit slower. His hair was dark and he was a bit shy sharing his emotions or affections.

Ronnie Anne kneeled down when he got closer, and put her arms out.

He fell into them, cuddling against her. "I love you, mommy!"

Our devious little angel piled on top of them, flailing her arms wildly. "I love you, tooooo~"

We all laughed at that, but I lifted the girl up by her waist before she hurt anyone. "Come on, scamp, time to crash land on the couch again."

She put her arms out as she soared through the air in my arms, laughing all the while. Then, the couch came into view. "No-no-no-ha-hahaha! Not the couuuuch!"

She put her arms under her head in a cross shape and I plopped her into the cushions.

She was a giggling mess, rolling around playfully until she accidentally fell off the couch in an "oomph!"

Seeing she was fine, I turned around to see my wife leaning against the chair. Her eyelids were drooping, and my heart was snagged. She did so much for us. She really, honestly, deserved the best.

"Alright, kiddos, let mommy be. Daddy had something special planned for her, remember?"

Ronnie Anne looked up in a flash, her cheeks pinking. When she saw our kids grinning mischievously and bumping each other's fists, she locked eyes with me in a disbelieving glare. "Lincoln!"

I chuckled. "It's alright, honey. I figured you needed a… massage~"

I could feel her go tense as I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her behind the ear.

In front of us, our son looked uncomfortable and gagged playfully. Our girl, however, sighed dreamily, her hands clasped in front of her heart.

"My pawents aw like weal life fai'y tale pwincess and pwince!"

She was missing a couple teeth; bless her heart~

I put some strength into my grip around my wife's upper arms as I tried leading her toward our bedroom. "Well, I do think your mommy is a beautiful princess." I kissed her cheek, feeling the red heat on her skin. I leaned into her ear, "Don't worry, honey. It was the kid's idea actually."

She looked at me, scared and bemused. She looked at her daughter and saw her giving a thumbs up, and finally she relaxed.

So, it probably was a massage… and not a… massage.

Suddenly, she didn't know whether to feel relieved or frustrated.

The first thing Ronnie Anne noticed when she entered our bedroom was the dozen candles all around the room. They were unlit and scented. Lavender. Her favorite flower.

Next, she saw a robe and some towels neatly folded and resting on our bed.

I wrapped my arms around her chest, locking them together as I squeezed her from behind. My lips found their home in the corner of her neck and I gave her a long, deep kiss.

She was so tense and sore and tired all at the same time. But tonight I'd fix that. I'd turn her into a puddle of goop, and then re-energize her and release her on the kids in the morning (when it's her day off). They'd all three love that~

Giving her another squeeze, I released her neck from my lips and gave her a gentle push toward the bed. "Honey, I'm gonna need you to get out of those clothes."

She stepped over to them, unconsciously swaying her hips more sharply as she did. She twisted her upper body toward me and looked on me with lidded eyes. "And why would you need me to do that… hmm?"

I found myself grinning, and maybe getting a little excited, but I managed to control myself. "Just do it for me, and in the meantime I'll draw your bath."

Was that a frown I saw as I walked into the adjoining bathroom?

I hummed as I turned the water on and reached over for a package. Nothing helped my wife better after a long hard week than a soak with Epsom salts and lots and lots of bubbles. I poured in a scoop of salt as the tub filled halfway, and I reached for some floral scented bubble mix and poured some of that in as well. Immediately, the tub exploded with faint purple bubbles and I nodded to myself.

It was a bath fit for a queen. My queen. And her servant was ready to fetch her~

I turned around and started for the door, but froze in my place.

Her back was to me as she was leaning down, her back arched, and her fingers were gripping her panties. I watched with entranced eyes as her plain white undies slipped over her wide hips and down her long legs. My eyes trailed up and down those lean and tanned limbs, remembering the last time I was able to lift one onto my shoulder and trail my lips and tongue from her toes to the joint in her hip.

She stepped out of them and reached her fingers up behind her back to undo the strap.

My eyes were helpless as they watched her hand pull that garment away from her chest and drop it onto her panties. But my body knew what to do.

She was reaching for the robe when my arms suddenly wrapped around her chest again, trapping her against me.

Her cheeks were flushed and she turned her face away from me when I tried to kiss her lips.

"Go away, I'm not decent!" she cried, squirming in my arms.

I growled as I nuzzled her black hair. "Don't be silly. You look decent to me. Stunningly perfect~"

She turned around in my embrace and let my arms hold her against my chest. Her hands inched up to my collar and fiddled with the buttons there. "You need to be careful with that charm of yours…"

I looked her in the eyes. "Oh?"

She returned the gaze, smoldering just as much as mine. Her eyelids were beginning to close. "You could get me in trouble if you're not careful."

My reply was struck from me when one of her hands slipped around my neck, cupping me at the base of my snowy hair, and she began pulling my head down to hers.

Her eyes were burning, barely even open as they pooled darkly. "Don't you want me to be a… good girl~?"

My head tried nodding and shaking at the same time as my mind and body warred with itself.

Thankfully, she didn't wait for an answer. Her hand forced my lips down onto hers, our few inches of height difference being no problem at all as she leant into me on her toes. Her lips moved against mine and I could feel our bodies melting into each other.

Eventually, she released me from her hold and looked at me with mischievous eyes. "Have you learned your lesson yet?"

For a second I just gulped because Wowzah! But then I turned cocky. "What would you do if I say, 'no'?"

She reached her hand out swiftly and pinched my butt through my clothes as she started walking toward the door. "Oh, I think you have a few good ideas of what I could do~"

My eyes followed the pendulum of her hips, rocking my world side to side with each step. I managed to keep myself from pouncing on her… but just barely. It was really close to becoming a losing battle and she wasn't even in the tub yet!

I followed her in and gripped her hand in one of mine before she could enter.

She turned to me bemusedly. "I'm not gonna fall, honey."

I just grinned at her and squeezed her fingers, then threading mine with hers. "I know."

She felt something twinge in her chest. Something like a decade of tried-and-true love finding yet another point of ignition deep in her soul. She was looking at my face, taking in the roughness of it. The little scars and the fuzz I'd forgotten to shave that morning. And in my eyes she saw that same gaze I gave her in high school, as we held each other and spun round and round at our prom. That same gaze I gave her when I knelt in front of my old school locker, the first place we'd met (she'd punched me for being an adorkable cutie~), and proposed to her. That same gaze I gave her when I leaned overtop a hospital bed to kiss her sweaty cheek as our first baby was laying on her breasts.

She was speechless and did nothing but follow my lead as I put a hand on her hip and helped her into the tub. When she was sitting down, she saw me turn to leave and she hurriedly grabbed my leg. "Wait! I… don't want you to leave."

I picked her hand up and leant down to kiss each of her knuckles. And then each of her fingers. "I'm just gonna check on the kids, and then I'll be right back." I turned her hand over and placed a wet kiss in her palm before folding her fingers into a fist. "My mom taught me this, sweetness." I pushed her hand against her heart. "If you ever get lonely, just hold my kiss against your heart."

It was a good thing she was already sitting down… it was a good thing she was sitting in water… because she literally melted into a puddle of gush and mush and everything wonderful in the world.

When I returned five minutes later, I saw that her hand was still laying on her chest and her eyes were closed.

I moved silently, placing a stool beside the tub and laying a towel across my lap. I dipped my hands into the warm water. "Hi, baby."

She made a sound similar to a purring moan.

I was sitting behind her, so I couldn't see if she opened her eyes or not. I chuckled. "Is that bath good?"

"Y-yeah…" came her sleepy reply.

"Hmm." I opened a bottle of shampoo and squirted a bit into my hands, lathering them up. I threaded my fingers through her thick hair, pulling it apart into several locks. "Are you enjoying yourself, Mrs. Loud?" I began stroking through a single lock of gorgeous hair, rubbing the shampoo in before dropping it and picking up another lock.

Ronnie Anne was in heaven, her mouth parted and breathing deeply. "Y-you're pretty good at this, Mr. Loud." She moaned when I purposely scratched her scalp as I picked up a new lock of hair. She was behaving like a house cat, arching her neck toward my hands.

I had a goofy grin on my face as I ran out of hair and just proceeded to rub her scalp in soothing motions. I could hear her breathing grow deeper and slower. But things weren't over just yet!

"Alrighty, flower, close your eyes so I can rinse your hair~" I sing-songed as I filled a cup with warm bathwater.

"s'alrea'y closss…" she barely got out.

I tipped the cup over her head slowly, running my hand through her hair as the water fell upon her in a gentle waterfall. "So, how was your day, gorgeous?"

There was a little more shampoo left so I refilled and continued as she growled lowly. "A nightmare."

Ohhh, she was more awake now. Maybe I'd poked a sleeping bear? I hummed lowly. "Couldn't have been all bad, though, right?"

"No, we finally found a buyer for that house on Seventh." She slid a little more into the bathwater, just her collarbone and everything north of that sticking up out of the bubbly surface.

My wife was a self-employed real estate agent. And I was a self-employed electrical contractor. Our jobs didn't coincide often… but sometimes I'd get a distressed call from a Mrs. Ronalda Loud whom desperately needed my help to fix some wiring, add a few outlets, change a light bulb… or just sit there and look handsome so she wasn't lonely. On rare occasions she'd need me to inspect the whole house and… everything inside the house~

"That's good. Do you remember when you were telling me about that sparking wire in the basement?" I reached over for the conditioner and lathered my hands up for an encore performance.

She laid still for a moment, but I distinctly saw her move her thighs against each other. I only grinned mischievously.

"Yeah, I called the help and he was able to fix it… and some other things."

I smirked at her jab. "Oh, what other things did you need help with?"

She was purring under my hands once again as I kneaded her smooth hair.

"I…" A moan caught her off guard. "…I needed an opinion on something."

I filled the cup to begin rinsing her hair. I could feel my heart beating faster, already knowing what she'd say next. "And what was that?"

She turned her face toward me, causing my hand to still before it could begin pouring water. She reached a hand out to my forearm and gave me a squeeze. "I wanted to know if we were ready to make our family bigger…" Even knowing my answer already, she still sounded vulnerable and hopeful.

I reached for her chin and leaned toward her, not caring that suds were getting on me. I brushed her lips with my thumb as I looked her deeply in the eyes. "…and what did he say?"

She felt that fluttering in her heart again. "You loved the idea." A tear fell from her eye. "You loved it a lot." She turned away so I couldn't see her tears falling, and I let her go.

I went about rinsing her hair and then rubbed her silky scalp with practiced fingers until she relaxed once more. Once she was calm and the sniffling had stopped, I kissed her behind the ear. "Making a family with you was my new dream after I married you."

She couldn't take it anymore. She stood up on shaky legs and didn't even try to push my worried hands away when they steadied her hips. She grabbed my shirt and yanked my lips against hers.

Like I said before. Wowzah!

She leaned away and her cheeks were flushed beautifully. "I told you to be careful."

I tried to grin smoothly. "Well, you know me, I like to live dangerously."

She snorted in laughter, pushing me back down to my stool. "Whatever! You'll always be that same Lame-o I fell in love with."

I watched her slender, glistening, wet legs as they stepped out of the bathtub and onto a fuzzy rug. "Oh, sure. You say that now, but I happen to remember a pretty little girl too scared to say the 'L' word." I waggled my eyebrows at her, and she put a palm against my face and turned my head away.

"Don't press your luck, Linc." She leaned down to pick up a towel, and my eyes fell victim to the curves and arching and divine beauty of my lovely wife.

My breath was almost gone as I whispered my thoughts aloud, "So beautiful…"

My wife was blushing full force as she righted herself. She bit her lip and opted to throw the towel right into my face. "Why don't you pat me down?"

I nodded my head wickedly. "That's a great idea!"

She turned toward the sink and put her hands on the counter and bent forward just a little.

I came up behind her and knelt on the cold tile floor. I put the fuzzy towel around her ankle and began massaging her leg up and down. I lifted the foot and dried off her heel and toes.

Then, I moved up past her knees into more dangerous territory…

And Ronnie Anne gasped in disappointment when I paid her no special attention. "Hey, I think you missed something!"

I leaned back onto my haunches and looked at her cute butt. I turned her around and looked at her stomach. When my eyes caught sight of the faint stretchmarks there I couldn't resist leaning forward and kissing them. I could feel her quiver beneath me as I smoothed each line with my gentle lips.

When I leaned back I grinned at her saucily. "Nope. Dry as a bone~"

She huffed. "Not as dry as you apparently think."

Oh… someone was getting a little grouchy, wasn't she? As much as I loved teasing my wife, making her frustrated wasn't on tonight's itinerary.

I just let her sulk in silence as I dried her smooth back and her chest. When I reached her hair, I turned her around and handed her the towel. She had this special way of rolling her hair up that I could never understand even after ten sisters and ten years of marriage.

I stepped up to her chest and put my arms around her back as she wrapped her hair up.

"You're making this difficult, Mr. Loud," she growled at me.

I purred into her neck, letting my hands drift into her lower back and further… "I love it when you call me that~" I gave her butt a little slap and delighted in her 'Eep!'

She pushed me away and walked back toward the bedroom.

I went back to the tub and leant down to pull the plug. I heard a growl from the door and saw Ronnie Anne leaning against the frame with lidded eyes.

"That's my favorite part of taking a bath~"

I grinned as I started for her. "Oh, you think I'm cute?"

She put her finger to my lips to keep me from kissing her. "I think your butt is cute…" She flicked my nose as she turned away with a giggle. "You? Not so much~"

I jumped at her and she shrieked, taking off for the bed. She jumped onto the sheets and tried crawling away pathetically, but I stopped her by grabbing her ankles. She was lying flat on her stomach and utterly vulnerable. I leaned down along her legs and planted my lips on her spine. I trailed kisses up to her neck, exposed while her hair was rolled up. I let my hands roam across her back until they found her shoulders.

"Might as well give you a massage while I've got you trapped, huh?"

Ronnie Anne grumbled and pitifully tried squirming away again, but promptly surrendered. "Just shut up and make me feel good."

I laughed against her neck. "As my princess commands~"

I pressed my thumbs into her muscle and she let out a long moan. "Is that ok?" I asked, rubbing her shoulders beneath my hands.

"It's perfect…" came her breathless reply.

I continued my massage, eventually moving down her back. My fingers ran along her tanned skin in soothing motions, feeling for little knots and working diligently to remove them. I picked up her left arm and brought her hand up to my lips, and I grazed her palm with a kiss. I continued kissing her sore digits as I rubbed her wrist and forearm. Then, I laid it down and picked up her other and gave it the same attention.

I moved off her legs so I could begin massaging them. I started with one leg; massaging her thigh, then her calf; and when I got to her foot, I bent down and kissed each of her toes. I repeated everything on her other leg.

When I'd finished with her massage, I rolled her over and looked at her face.

She was smiling and relaxed and sleepy; all of that made my tough-as-nails wife positively adorable.

I trailed my eyes down her body to her stomach, and I leaned down and laid a kiss right above her belly button. I held her sides in my hands as I worshipped her belly with my lips.

This precious body and the soul within had given me two beautiful angels…

I couldn't even speak, so I kept laying kiss after kiss on her clean skin until tears began to fall.

Neither of us knew if she was expecting yet. We figured we'd give it a week before bothering with a test. Today was day six, and I was getting excited!

My wife threaded her fingers in my hair. "Lincoln?" she spoke softly.

I laid my chin on her belly and looked at her face betwixt her breasts. "Yeah?"

She leant up on her elbows to reduce the awkward angle. "Do you want to try again tonight?"

I smiled warmly and crawled onto the bed beside her, putting a hand on her side to hold her near me. "You know I want to…"

For one second her eyes twinkled hopefully, and then they fell into a glare. "But…?"

I sighed, but tried to keep smiling. "But we both know the doctor said once a day will give us the best chance." I sidled my head closer to hers, feeling her breath puff against my face. "And I happen to remember a certain dark-haired vixen waking me up for some fun before work this morning." I kissed her nose even though she growled and tried to bite me.

She put a hand on my chest, crinkling my shirt, and threw a leg over my hip, trapping me against her. "Can't we just break the rules for one night?"

I watched her yawn. The poor thing tried to hide it from me but couldn't. She was so tired. And she was so aroused. I sighed, knowing my own arousal would keep me up for a while.

I held her chin in my hand and kissed her lips chastely. "I'm sorry, honey, but you need your rest." I slipped out of her grasp and stood up. I help her robe into the air. "Now, come and put this on so you can sleep.

She was glaring at me, pouting and furrowing her eyebrows. Her nose was red from lust and anger. "No. I think I'll just stay naked. All night long. And you can sleep underneath me and we'll just see if you can resist me." She rolled onto her side away from me and gave me a great view of her backside.

I sighed. Yep, she was totally upset with me. My only hope was for her to fall asleep, and soon.

I stepped from the room to check on the kids and start them toward bed. It was a slow process and tedious. But once they were safe in their blankets, and the lights were turned off, I had nothing else to do…

…but face my wife.

I tiptoed toward the door and opened it slowly.

We'd left the light on in the bathroom by accident, and it fell upon her back. I could see her ribs rise and fall with each steady breath. And I felt the tension in my body release.

I sat on the edge of the bed and began removing my clothes, thinking about the day. I stepped over to the alarm clock and set it for an hour earlier than usual. Then, I laid myself down onto the bed and took a final look at my sleeping wife's face. It was the first thing I saw in the mornings, and the last thing I saw in the evenings. People say that a woman loses her beauty with age, but Ronnie Anne only seemed to grow more attractive to me. Every line on her face, every dimple and crease, every imperfection and blemish, and even the harshness of time did nothing to mar the image of her soul emblazoned on my heart.

I leaned toward her and laid my lips on hers. "I love you, Ronnie Anne."

Her eyes twitched dream-like. "I l… l-lo' ya, too, Lame-o," she mumbled in her sleep.

She was dreaming of the time we first admitted out feelings for each other, I could tell.

My body warmed and I put my hand on her stomach, imagining I could feel another life growing just inches beneath the surface.

I closed my eyes and fell into a sleep.

As it turned out, I didn't get to sleep much that night. My darling wife promptly rolled onto me, pulling me from my half-asleep state. And from then on her tiny movements and jerks and the curves and softness of her body kept me too stimulated to fall back asleep.

And then, the succubus I married woke up an hour before my alarm was set and couldn't wait a second longer. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. But I went into my first appointment a bit sore and jelly-legged.

And she took the first test while I was getting ready.

I spent the whole day with a goofy grin on my face. Sure, wake up calls from my wife are amazing. But seeing those two crossed lines made my heart sore into the clouds~

I gave my wife the most romantic, relaxing night of her life…

…and I still came out on top!

Until nine months later.

"Push!"

"Lincoln, you idiot, why would you do this to me!? Give me your hand so I can squeeze it!"

"(Weeping as the bones inside my hand are crushed into ash and smoke.)"

The end.