Author's note:
Hmm, this isn't quite like my 'redux' stories – while it is a retelling of an actual episode, I'm not changing anybody's basic character.  Much.  Instead, I'm letting Eddy explain what's happening – I've never done anything in first-person before, so I thought it'd be fun!  I flip-flopped quite a while before deciding to post it, though – what do you think?  Is it too much like just watching the episode, or is it (fun/different/at least not too stab-yourself-in-the-eye painful) (circle one) to see things from Eddy's perspective?  I hope it's more the latter, but hey, let me know either way!

And please, don't -really- stab yourself in the eye, no matter what you think of it.  Or if you do, just don't tell me about it – being the cause of an actual eye-gouging could really shake a writer's confidence, you know?

Um.  Anyway, on to the show…

~High Planes Drifter~
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was another exciting day at Double-D's house.  You can tell I'm being sarcastic, right?  Me and Ed had been waiting forever for him to finish up all his stupid chores – and he was still at it!  Yeah, he's a wild one.

So while we were waiting, we played pool with some eggs we'd found.  You think we should've been helping Double-D instead?  What are you, stu – I mean, uh, you gotta understand something.  Ed, and helping?  Well, his heart's in the right place – it's just too bad his brain's usually off on planet Moronex.  If he got involved, the place would've blown up faster than you can say 'cash for Eddy!'  And since there was no way of getting cash for Eddy by blowing up Double-D's house, eh, I figured I could help most by keeping Ed distracted.  So if you think I was just being lazy, you can stuff it.

Maybe Double-D thought we were being lazy, too, though, because just then he came stomping out of the kitchen wearing his best 'huffy' look.  "What's going on in here?"  His anti-fun radar must've been going off.

The last thing I needed was another one of his lectures, so I put on my no-fail 'innocent' face.  "Nothing!  What?"  My brother taught me that look.  Works every time.

Probably would've worked then, too, but that's when Ed's little raisinette-brain must've started overheating.  He looked at the eggs we'd just smashed against the wall, and laughed.  "Bingo!"

I laughed, too.  You've just gotta love him.  "Heh, bingo, good one."

Double-D didn't think it was so good, though.  "Can you two try to behave?"  Man, I hate it when he gets all bossy like that.  Does he think he's our mom or something?  Sheesh.  He even had the nerve to march back into the kitchen before I could zing him with one of my snappy comebacks – what's up with that?

So I was ticked.  Who could blame me?  I followed him into the kitchen, ready to put an end to his stupid chore junk and get him working on something more luc – uh, lu-crr – something that'd make me some cash – but then I saw what he was up to.  Oh, geez.

He was so into his sewing, he didn't even notice when I walked up behind him.  That just ain't right!  At least he made up for it by jumping like fifteen feet in the air when he finally did see me.  I love it when he freaks out like that.  Oh, come on; don't even try to tell me it ain't funny! 

I snickered at him.  "Gee whiz, Double-D, I never knew you were into such girly stuff!"

"Household chores are not just for girls, Eddy."  Oh yeah, I think I hit a nerve!  "And if you must know, I was asked to mend the curtains by mother – every child should blah-blah-blah…"

You know, some people think Double-D's hard to understand 'coz he uses such big words all the time.  And okay, he does like to show off that egghead vocabulary of his – but even worse is that he's always using about fifty times more words than he needs to to say anything – by the time he stops for air, you've forgotten what he was talking about in the first place!  Like here – any normal person would've just told me to shut up.  Or if it was me, I would've come back with something snappy like, "I'm more girly than – " uh, no, wait – I meant like, "I'm not – "…uh…yeah, you get the point.  Double-D, though, has to give me his whole life history.  Sheesh.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah – Sock-head was still yammering about his chores.  Yawn.  Good thing Ed was around to liven things up.

"I must eat your brain!"  Count Dumb-ula had wrapped himself up in Double-D's curtains…which were still in the sewing machine – how could I resist?  A quick step on the pedal, and the big lug was sewn up like some freak-show attraction – come one, come all, and see the Amazing No-Brained Curtain Boy!

And the weirdest part of all was that he liked it!  "I am all dressed up and ready to go, guys!"  I can't even begin to tell you what's going on inside his head, but it's gotta be scary.

I rolled my eyes.  "Fashion victim."  See?  Now there's one of those snappy comebacks I was talking about!  "Let's go, Double-D!"

"In a minute!  First, a quick survey to see if I missed any parental sticky notes!" 

Quick, my foot.  He kept running back and forth, grinning like an idiot as he looked for more notes.  It was so pathetic!

Well…okay.  You wanna know what's really pathetic?  Keep this under your hat, but me and Ed got into Double-D's parents' room once, and you know what?  They don't even sleep in the same bed anymore!  No foolin'!  Hey, I ain't stupid, I watch enough talk-shows to know what that means – looks like mommy and daddy don't want any more 'accidents,' if you catch my drift.  And what's worse is that they treat Double-D sort of like a pet you don't really want – they're nice enough to him when they're around, I guess, but they don't exactly go out of their way or nothing.

I guess maybe that's why he gets so worked up over those sticky notes – they're like the only thing that lets him know they ever even think about him, and hey, if all they're thinking is 'gee, I sure don't wanna do the wash today,' well, I guess if that's all you get, you take it.

It stinks.  But, well, I guess everyone's got problems, huh?  And hey, me and Ed would've been glad to pay him some real attention, if only he'd knock off all the stupid chores.  That's right – he was still at it!  I was about ready to scream, I was so bored.  And as if that wasn't bad enough, I found a note he'd missed.  We were gonna be there all day!  "Oh great, what's this one say?  'Dear Edward, stop breathing 'coz the sink's clogged?'"  I mean, come on, he's a kid and it's summer, he's supposed to be outside having fun!  Hey, helping me fleece the masses counts as fun, all right?  All those suckers out there just – ooh, did I say sucker?

Now, this could be fun.

"If it's chores Double-D wants, it's chores Double-D gets!"  If he wasn't gonna help me scam anybody, the least he owed me was a little entertainment.  I figured we could have a good laugh with some really ridiculous sticky notes – and maybe if he saw how insane all those stupid notes were, he'd forget about 'em for now so we could finally get to work.  "Nothing like a little forgery to spark up the day!"  I used all the counterfeiting skills my brother had taught me to copy the handwriting to a T.  It didn't look half-bad, either!  "See?"  I held it up for Ed to admire.  "This is Mommy's note, and this is my exact copy!"

"That is so lame, Eddy!"  Uh, I'm sure Ed meant 'cool'.  The big lug ain't too bright, you know.

I glared at him as he started making his own version.  "And you're like a human photocopier, right?"  Like the Incredible Laughing Banana-Head could do better than me!

"Dare to compare!"  He held up his note.

Oh, all right, so his was pretty good, okay?  I'd rather be the one in charge, anyway – after all, the actual writing was really just grunt work.  "Will you ever cease to amaze me, Ed?"  Could it be that Ed wasn't quite as dumb as he pretended to –

"Yes, I will!"  Uh, scratch that last thought.  We had more important things to think about then, anyway, because Double-D was finally ready – time to put Ed's note to the test!

"Hey, Double-D, you're slipping 'coz you missed one!"  I pointed at Ed's note and tried to seem annoyed.

Sock-head looked thrilled, at first.  "'Dear Edward,'" Here's the part where it gets good. "'Insert broom-lint in your…belly…button – Love, Mom'?"  You rarely get to see him looking confused, but he was blown away just then.  "Oh my…"

I never thought he'd do it.  I mean, come on, he's like the smartest kid on the block!  Not to mention, he's such a freak when it comes to all that 'cleanliness' junk – he keeps rubber gloves and a gas mask in his pockets, for cryin' out loud!  But rebellion ain't really his thing.  I don't think it ever even occurred to him not to do what the note said.  I try to help him get over that, sometimes, but for now – oh, man, if you could've seen the look on his face as he stuck that broom lint in his belly-button, you would've cracked up, too!  And we still had a whole stack of sticky notes left!  Hey, like I said, he owed me for all that time I'd been waiting so patiently…

Yeah, I know what you're thinking – "Oh, boo-hoo, that big mean Eddy's such a jerk!  Poor Double-D!"  Well, don't, all right?  Because pity stinks.  What do you think would happen if me and Ed went around treating him all fluffy-like just because his parents ignored him?  I'll tell you what – at best, it'd just bum him out, being treated differently and always having it shoved in his face how useless his folks are.  And at worst, he'd end up as some whiny crybaby sissy like Jimmy.  And then I'd have to kill him.  Nah, just kidding, but you get what I mean.

So think what you want, but I'm doing him a favor.  He needs to learn how to stand up for himself more, you know?  Well, not when I'm trying to get him to build me stuff, but other than that.  He ain't hopeless, especially with me around to set a good example of 'cool,' just like my brother did for me.  Believe it or not, I wasn't always this slick, either!

And heck, if I could help out my buddy and have a little fun at the same time…

"Double-D, a note I see there!"

"Father's suit!  How could I miss that one?  'Dear Edward…'  Oh my…"

…hey, just call me Caring Eddy!

Heh-heh-heh…