Batbusters

"Oh my, it's that time of year already!" exclaimed Jervis Tetch, as he opened the door to the apartment he shared with Jonathan Crane to see it covered in terrifying decorations. Skulls and bats hung from the ceiling, pumpkins were scattered around the room, and Crane himself was standing on a ladder, carefully adjusting a sign with blood-red lettering which read Happy Halloween!

"Yes, the most wonderful time of the year!" said Crane proudly, as he climbed down the ladder to admire his handiwork. "For some reason, people always think it's acceptable to decorate for Christmas a month in advance, but try doing that with Halloween decorations, and people report you to the police."

"Possibly because your decorations are so realistic," commented Tetch, putting his grocery bags down on the counter, next to a human brain.

"Well, that one is real," said Crane, nodding at it. "I removed it from someone exposed to my latest toxin. You can see how exaggerated the fear stimulus centers are, as compared to a healthy human brain."

"Yes, fascinating," said Tetch, sliding the grocery bags away from it hastily. "I think I've got everything we need for the party tonight, plus extra candy in case we get trick or treaters, that is if the Joker doesn't eat it all."

"I do loathe to invite him, but it's the only way to have Harley come," sighed Crane. "Anyway, I told everyone to save the date, but I've only just finished hand delivering the invitations with the details of our party activity this year. Guess what it is."

"Um…costume contest?" asked Tetch.

"Among these people? We'd be arguing all night," replied Crane. "Guess again."

"Let's see…candy eating contest?" asked Tetch.

"This is my party, remember, Jervis?" asked Crane. "And that's a little too athletic for me."

"Noted," said Tetch, nodding. "How about…some kind of séance?"

"Close," said Crane. "Ghost hunt."

"Ah, ghost hunt," said Tetch, nodding. Then he frowned. "But hang on, there's no proof that ghosts exist, or what the definition of them is if they do. Which would make hunting them rather nonsensical from a scientific point of view."

"Not from a psychological point of view," said Crane. "You're right, Jervis, there are no such things as ghosts, but the myth persists because humanity is easily deluded by its own fears. It imagines it sees things which are not there, and which it cannot explain, and fills in the gaps in knowledge by conjuring up ghosts. Of course we're not going to find any real ghosts tonight, but we are going to explore the fears of everyone we've invited by suggesting ghosts to them, and seeing how they respond. So-called ghost hunting is actually just group hysteria, where people convince each other of the reality of something nonexistent. That's the fascinating aspect of these things to the psychiatric mind, and it's terribly entertaining to watch people grow more terrified and convince others to be terrified over nothing."

"It seems a little cruel," commented Tetch. "Especially if people do believe in ghosts."

"If they're that stupid, they deserve to be frightened," retorted Crane.

There was a knock on their door suddenly. Crane opened it, and was immediately hit with the door as the Joker flung it open, with Harley Quinn cowering behind him, terrified. The Joker was dressed in khaki coveralls, with a huge, backpack-shaped machine on his back, attached to what looked like a gun. "Well, where are they?" he demanded.

"Where are…what?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"The ghosts!" exclaimed Joker. "As you can see, I'm ready to hunt 'em," he said, gesturing to his costume. "Got my proton pack all revved up!"

"Proton…what?" asked Crane.

Joker stared at him. "Really, you don't know what this is from?" he asked. "Ain't you ever seen Ghostbusters?"

"No," said Crane. "Is it about exploding ghosts?"

"No, it's a film about…no!" exclaimed Joker. "Exploding ghosts?! I thought you were meant to be a genius!"

"Johnny, this ain't funny," said Harley, still cowering behind Joker. "I can't come to this party if we're gonna hunt ghosts. I'm terrified of ghosts. All that occult, supernatural stuff gives me the heebie jeebies."

"Now pooh, your adoring Mr. J is here to protect you from the mean old ghosts," said Joker, patting her on the head.

"That's a costume, not a real proton pack," said Harley. "I don't think you'd be much use against a real ghost, Mr. J."

"But Harley, there's no such thing as a real…" began Crane.

"You think I can take Batman, but I can't take ghosts?" interrupted Joker. "They're flimsy little sheet things, and he's a real psychopath! I know which one would be easier to bust for sure!"

"I've seen movies where they ain't flimsy little sheet things," said Harley, shivering. "Movies where they're creepy kids, and movies where they're gross and disgusting and rotting, and movies where they climb outta the well and outta the TV…"

"Why do you watch horror movies if they scare you so much?" asked Tetch.

"It's one of the only times Mr. J will let me cuddle him because I'm scared," said Harley, shrugging. "So I make the most of it."

"So…if you want affection, you have to suffer for it?" asked Tetch, slowly.

"That's the way I roll," said Joker, nodding. "So where's the candy? Are we the first ones here?" he asked, heading over to the kitchen and seizing a bag of candy.

"Yes, because the party actually isn't until tonight, as was very clearly written on the invitations…" began Crane.

"Yeah, but Harley said she wasn't gonna leave the house at night because she was too scared by the idea of ghosts, so we had to come early," said Joker, shrugging as he ate a candy bar. "Hope you don't mind, but it's kinda your fault anyway for suggesting ghost hunting to her."

"But Harley, there's no such thing as…" began Crane again, when a knock on the door interrupted him. "Now who could that be?" he asked, opening the door to reveal Edward Nygma.

"Edward, what a…surprise," said Crane. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here because I'm wondering if you've lost your mind, Crane!" retorted Nygma, holding up his invitation. "Ghost hunting? Really? That wouldn't entertain a child, spending all night looking around for something that doesn't even exist!"

"They do too exist!" snapped Harley. "A cousin of mine had a friend who knew a guy who saw one once!"

"Yes, I'm sure your cousin's friend was completely sober at the time, and not on any mind-altering substances," scoffed Nyma. "Everybody knows that so-called ghosts are just figments of people with overactive imaginations, or people under the influence of hallucinogenic drugs."

"First of all, it was my cousin's friend's acquaintance," retorted Harley. "And second of all, from what I know about him, he ain't the type to make up stories, or take drugs. And back in Brooklyn, our old rabbi once performed a ceremony to exorcise a dybbuk, which isn't technically a ghost, but it's definitely one of those inexplicable creepy things…"

"No, it's a manifestation of a deeper psychological problem," retorted Nygma. "Like people's dependence on religion, for instance. Nothing but silly, backward superstition that idiots cling to."

"Actually, I'm an Anglican," spoke up Tetch. "And I don't think anyone can objectively call me an idiot, not even you, Edward. I just find the more we start to explain about the world through science, the more we realize how much there is still left to explain. And through science, we discover that the things we would have formerly dismissed as fantastic superstition actually do exist. I don't think anyone can say for certain that there is no afterlife, or that what we may call ghosts mightn't be something which will be explainable and perfectly reasonable in a few hundred years. It certainly behooves a man of science to keep an open mind anyway, especially when one lives in a world of superheroes. And even if primitive superstition is all nonsense, if it gives people comfort, where's the harm?"

"I'll tell you what the harm is!" snapped Nygma. "It's completely delusional! Idiots walking around thinking some sky fairy is watching them, living their lives in fear of punishment from him…"

"That's just Superman, isn't it?" chuckled Joker.

"And living in fear of the dead returning to life – it's all so irrational!" continued Nygma, ignoring him. "There's no logic to that kind of belief!"

"That's why it's called faith, I suppose," retorted Tetch. "Anyway, while I don't personally believe in the existence of ghosts, I certainly wouldn't dismiss anyone who did out of hand."

"Well, until I have proof of something so preposterous, I will dismiss it out of hand," sniffed Nygma.

"You guys got a TV?" asked Joker, looking around as he munched on his candy.

"No, we don't," said Crane. "There's never anything good on, and I believe it rots the mind."

"Talk about your irrational beliefs," muttered Joker, sighing. "I just thought while we were waiting for everyone else to arrive, we could watch a movie. I coulda got my copy of Ghostbusters and educated you losers who have never seen it because you've apparently lived under a rock for the past thirty years."

"Why don't you just tell 'em the story, Mr. J?" asked Harley. "Maybe with a little patented Joker embellishment?"

"No, that's ok, we have quite a lot still to do for this party tonight…" began Crane.

"That's a great idea, pooh!" exclaimed Joker, his eyes sparkling. "I got just the twist to put on it! If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call? Batbusters! I ain't afraid of no Bat!"

"What does Batman have to do with a ghost?" asked Tetch, puzzled.

"No, don't encourage him…" began Crane.

"Well, you're gonna find out, Hatty!" interrupted Joker cheerfully, tossing his bag of candy at Harley, who began helping herself while seating herself at his feet. "It takes place in a little time called the 80s – hair was big, fashion was loud, music was power-ballady, and I was being played by that guy from The Shining, you know, that 'all work and no play makes Jack a dull Nicholson' guy – a motto for life, by the way…"

"You asked for the incoherent rambling, and you'll regret it," muttered Crane at Tetch as he and Nygma reluctantly sat down next to him. "I guarantee it."