Disclaimer – I own nothing, though I really wish I did.

AN – Hello Shadowhunter fandom, I've missed you guys. So this is a oneshot of Alec's reaction to the season 2 finale and Jace's death. Hope you enjoy. It does have a slight tie to The Lost Angel, but it's not necessary to read that story before this one. I am also thinking/planning of writing a sequel to The Lost Angel where Simon does accidentally tell someone that Jace's blood made him a Daylighter. Let me know if you guys are interested in that. If you are, I'll start working on it. Now, to the story.

Enjoy!

Alec tossed and turned in his bed. It was almost three in the morning, but he had yet to get more than half an hour of sleep, and he was exhausted. Sleep had been extremely hard to come by in the last two weeks.

After Valentine's death and the revelation that Consul Malachi had actually sided with Valentine and tried to kill both Jace and Clary, the Clave was busy now dealing with a possible Downworld uprising again, and trying to elect a new Consul to lead the Clave, not mention, tracking down the demons who were freed before Magnus closed the portal. Everyone was working hard, and was exhausted, but still, sleep eluded the Shadowhunter.

Every time Alec closed his eyes, images, memories of him and Jace flashed across his eyelids. Even though it had been two weeks since he thought Jace had 'died', he could still feel the burning pain that he felt as his Parabatai rune faded and disappeared as though it happened only moments ago.

The pain had been so great that he could barely breathe, and when it faded and Alec realized that his rune was gone, and he could no longer feel Jace, it was like he had been sucker punched right in the gut. If anything, the pain was worse even though he was no longer screaming. He immediately turned to Magnus and begged him to draw a portal to Lake Lyn so he could find out what happened, so he could bring his brother's body back home. Magnus didn't hesitate.

Once they got to Idris, Alec, Izzy and Magnus started making their way to the lake, coming across the bodies of Malachi and other Shadowhunters lying in the woods. Alec barely acknowledged them, and pressed onward towards the lake. All of his focus was on finding his brother.

He was beyond relived and confused when he found Jace, alive, along with Clary while Valentine was actually dead. Jace still hadn't explained what all happened, not that Alec really had a chance to confront him on it. They all had been so busy with the fallout of The Circle's attack and everything, they barely had time talk, much less about anything important.

Knowing he wasn't going to get any sleep, Alec got up and headed to the training room. With everything going on, he needed to be prepared, needed to be stronger. As he arrived to the room, he saw it was not empty. Jace had beaten him there and looked like he had been there for a while already. He was covered in sweat and there were dark circles under his eyes.

"Need a partner?" Alec wondered, letting Jace know that was no longer alone. Jace snapped his head to look at him so fast that Alec thought he might get whiplash.

"Uh, yeah, sure." Jace replied, picking up another sword and handed it to the older Shadowhunter, before they both got into a fighting position.

They trained for about an hour before Alec suggested a break. Though Jace had beaten him almost every time, like he usually did, he could tell that the blonde was exhausted. Luckily, Jace didn't protest, in fact, he looked relived and sat down with his back against the wall. Alec dropped his sword and sat down beside his Parabatai.

"So, how are you doing?" Alec asked. The blonde kept his gaze to the floor and shrugged.

"I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?" Jace responded, turning to give the black haired Shadowhunter a reassuring smile. Alec didn't look reassured at all though.

"Let's see, your fake father, the man who raised you, died and something else happened that you still haven't told me about. Something big." Alec told him. Jace turned his head to look back at the floor.

"What happened anyways?" Alec finally asked.

"I don't know. One minute, Clary and I were arriving at the lake, then Valentine appeared out of nowhere. I felt a stabbing pain in my chest and passed out. I woke up, Clary was leaning over me and Valentine was dead." Alec knew he was lying, but he couldn't figure out why. Whatever the reason was though, Alec knew it was his fault.

"I'm sorry." The apology escaped his mouth before he could stop it. That got Jace to look back at him again.

"For what?" Jace asked, not sure why Alec was apologizing to him. Alec looked stunned.

"For being such a failure as your Parabatai." Alec replied. Jace however, still did not understand what the older Shadowhunter was saying.

"You haven't been a failure at all Alec. What on earth put that idea in your head?" Jace demanded. Alec finally turned to meet his brother's gaze, a look of shame covering his face.

"I let Valentine take you months ago, I didn't stop Aldertree from arresting you, I didn't even go visit you when you were in the City of Bones, I let that group of vampires attack and kidnap you, I let Sebastian hurt you. And I don't know what happened at Lake Lyn, but I know you were lying, and that it was bad. But whatever it was, I didn't protect you from that either." Alec listed off, feeling worse and worse as he realized just how much he had failed the younger Shadowhunter.

It took a minute for Alec's explanation to sink in, and when it did, Jace felt terrible. He hadn't really thought of how much all of this had been affecting Alec. He knew that his brother was extremely protective of him, he was too, but he had no idea he been feeling like everything that happened was his fault. Jace had never even once blamed Alec, and tried to make sure his brother knew it, but that didn't mean he didn't blame himself.

"Alec, none of that was your fault. Everything that happened to me, had nothing to do with you. I know that if you could've, you would've stopped me from having to go through all of that, but there wasn't anything you could've done. Valentine would've killed you all if you tried to stop him from taking me, Aldertree probably would've arrested you too if you tried to stop him, and you were still weak from that tracking thing you tried to do. You almost died. As to the vampires, you got knocked out. Again, nothing you could've done. With Sebastian, you were busy being attacked by the Forsaken. And with what happened in Idris, you weren't there because you were too busy with the demons and closing the portal. With not visiting me in the City of Bones, you guys were attacked by a demon, and honestly, I'm glad you weren't there. I didn't want anyone to see me there. I don't blame you for anything because none of this was your fault." Jace tried to reason with his brother, but Alec shook his head.

"I should've done better, should've tried harder." Alec muttered quietly, looking down at the floor. Jace wrapped his arm around Alec's shoulder.

"Remember when after I activated the Soul Sword, and after I told Clary that we weren't related? Before we tried to summon that demon who ended up switching Valentine's and Magnus's bodies?" Jace wondered.

Alec nodded, still keeping his head lowered. He remembered coming up to the roof to get Jace, only to find him crying. The last time he saw Jace cry was when he thought he was dead, right before Aldertree arrested him. It was then he knew that Jace was finally starting to bend under all the weight he was carrying and he went over hugged him as tight as he could, wishing with everything he had that he could take that weight away.

"That night, you came into my room and told me that it wasn't my fault, that I had no way of knowing. You stayed with me all night trying to convince me that it wasn't, and when that didn't work, you kept at it for the next week until I told you that I knew you were right. And if I have to do all that to get through to you, and more, then so be it. Because nothing was your fault Alec. If I'm not at fault for those Downworlders dying, then you aren't responsible for anything that happened to me." Jace stated with such a certainty that Alec almost believed him and Alec nodded. After another moment, Alec turned to look at Jace.

"What happened at the lake? I know you were lying, I know you know. Why won't you tell me?" Alec questioned yet again. Jace sighed and looked away. He knew that Alec was still blaming himself, and would for a while, but if he knew what actually happened, he would blame himself even more and couldn't put his Parabatai through that. He had put Alec through enough already.

"What happened at the lake was bad, I'm not denying it, but I'm okay. So, let's just forget about it." Jace said. He made a move to stand up but Alec reached over and pulled Jace back down and stared at him hard.

"I felt you die Jace. It felt like I was dying alongside you and when the pain stopped, and I saw that our rune was gone, it was like I couldn't breathe. I can't go through that again Jace, I can't lose you." Jace felt heart weighed even more heavily in his chest, and the guilt he felt for putting his brother through all of that got worse.

"You won't. I'm not going anywhere. I know that I've had some pretty close calls, but I'm still here, you haven't lost me. I'm so sorry that I put you through that." Jace apologized.

"Well, whatever did happen in Idris, I doubt it was your fault." Alec replied.

"But somehow it's yours?" Jace remarked. Alec didn't have answer for that.

"How about this, I'll stop blaming myself if you stop blaming yourself?" Jace suggested.

"I don't think it's that easy or simple Jace." Alec pointed out. Jace nodded, agreeing with his Parabatai.

"It's not, but we can try." Alec nodded, and wrapped his arms around Jace, pulling him close. Jace quickly returned the hug.

"Oh by the way, you're benched from missions for the next few weeks." Alec told him, then quickly let go and stood up to leave the room.

"Wait what? Why?" Jace immediately questioned as he stood up and followed the older Shadowhunter.

"'Why?' Jace you're a danger magnet. You need a break from all these 'close calls' and so do I." Alec responded, trying to get away from his brother, knowing he wasn't going to let it go.

"Come on, I'm the best fighter you got. You can't bench me." Jace protested quite loudly.

"I'm the head of the Insitute, so yes I can, and I did." Alec said with a small smile. Though running an Institute was harder than he thought it would be, it did have some perks. Jace continued protesting as they made their way through the building, just like Alec knew he would but he didn't care. He wasn't going to fail his brother again.

AN – So yeah, this idea had been on my mind ever since the season 2 finale, but I only now got time to write it and post it. I hope you guys all enjoyed it and if you want me to write a sequel to The Lost Angel, let me know. See you guys later!.