A/N: So here's another stupid, poorly written and overly fluffy Cartman x Bebe one-shot.
Cartman is way out of character (which is the point, actually) and Bebe, well... I don't think there's anything canon that would hint at her being a slut (unlike Kenny), but that's how she's most often portrayed in the fandom, so what the hell. I don't think she has enough of an established personality to be out of character, really. However, she's probably out of gender (if that's even a thing) because I'm not a girl.

Anyway, that's my (deeper) take on this pairing. Bebe is casual and flirty, making the first step mostly for fun, to see how he reacts. Cartman just feels uncomfortable and has no idea what to do, which is new and amusing to her. Deep inside, he's shy and insecure so he has to put up walls, which she tears down one by one.

Sorry for any mistakes in spelling, grammar, vocabulary, tenses, whatever. English isn't my native language and this is my first time writing in past tense (my other Cartbe - I really prefer Barbaric - one-shot is also in past tense but it's dialogue-heavy and has no long descriptive paragraphs) since 2013.
Anyway, onto the story.

Barbara Stevens is a slut, no two ways about it.
One of the most popular and hottest girls in the school, she had fucked pretty much every guy in her class, with the somewhat obvious exception of Eric Cartman. She simply enjoyed sleeping around, no strings attached. She was secretly hoping that one day, she would find that special someone she could have a real, more meaningful relationship with, but for now she was content with just having some fun.

Cartman is the complete opposite. He only had a couple of friends and even then, he mostly kept to himself these days. It was really tough to figure out what he was feeling (other than anger) or thinking about (other than making Kyle's life miserable) at any given time.
It should come as no surprise that he had little to no success with girls. Fucking with people's feelings and lives was fine and everything, but at times, he was longing for something more. He was really wishing he could connect with someone on a deeper level.
Other than a brief (albeit meaningful) kiss from Wendy Testaburger back in third grade and a short relationship with Heidi Turner, he hadn't had much in terms of female attention, and he was craving it.

While he was still as fat as ever, he had gotten fairly strong. Whether he actually exercised or not remained an open question, but for someone the size of Cartman, simply getting around is a workout in and of itself.
Long story short, long gone were the days where he could get his ass handed to him by a girl.

Still, he wasn't particularly repulsive beyond being fat, and Bebe's standards weren't exactly high to begin with. However, there had always been some sort of an unspoken rule stating that, well... you don't get intimate with Cartman. You just don't.
Honestly, it was simply common sense in the blonde's mind.
To the point where she had actually forgotten than despite being a sociopath and a manipulative asshole, he had really calmed down over the years. Save for the occasional prank or fight taken too far, his antics were mostly tolerable these days.

On this particular day, Barbara had caught herself staring at him for a little longer than would be appropriate. He seemed to notice, but considering that he hadn't gotten any kind of female attention since the fourth grade, she doubted he would think anything of it.

The blonde suppressed a chuckle, briefly remembering that she threw up after witnessing his little show with Heidi back in elementary school. It was cute but also deeply disturbing. That relationship didn't last, and it wasn't a surprise to anybody but Heidi.
A ten year old Cartman failing at maintening a stable relationship? Boy, didn't see that one coming.

So why would that be any different several years later? And more importantly, why the hell was Bebe still staring at him? Or even thinking about any of this?
He was, after all, the only male sitting in this room she hadn't had her way with. There were very good reasons for that, were there not?

She could ask him out, just for fun... maybe he wouldn't be such a cold and angry asshole if he had someone. But would he even accept?
There was always the possibility of him being gay, after all. The lengths to which he had gone to try and get Kyle to suck his balls were just astounding. Or maybe he wouldn't be attracted to her? While that would be a first for Bebe, he was still Cartman. Weird, unpredictable, volatile... less so than in the past, but still.
Was she seriously considering it?

School was almost over, and Bebe had nothing special to do on that day. Her mind finally made up, she smiled, grabbing a pen and a piece of paper.

The bell rang, bringing Cartman out of his reverie.
Why was that bitch staring at him like that? Having a girl practically eyefucking him wasn't unpleasant, but it was a little unsettling.
He groaned loudly, picking up his backpack and following behind the students practically evacuating the room.
"God, this class is fucking boring," he muttered, walking down the hallway and unlocking his locker. As he went to place his bag inside, he noticed a small piece of paper sticking out of it. He grabbed it, eyeing it with curiosity.

'Meet me behind the school.
- Bebe'

Neat, pink handwriting... he only knew of one person gay enough to pull this shit on him.

"Fuck you, Kahl," he grunted, eliciting a few glances from nearby students. The dirty Jew was nowhere to be seen, but Cartman knew better. Deceitful, disgusting...

He shook his head and let out a sigh. He couldn't afford to get too angry, that would ruin his TV and snacks time. Which would be starting very soon.
The scrawny redhead all but forgotten, Cartman walked out of the school with nothing but Cheesy Poofs in mind. How could a simple snack be so deli-

"Psst! Cartman!"

He looked around, his eyes scanning the snowy landscape until he saw blonde hair sticking out from behind the corner of the building.

"What the hell?"

He made his way towards the mystery person, refusing to believe what he saw.

"So the note was actually you? I thought it was Kyle," he grumbled.

"It was signed Bebe," she replied in a flat tone. "Why would Kyle sign my name?"

"Jews are sneaky like that," Cartman pointed out.

Bebe sighed, suddenly remembering who she was talking to.

"Anyway, I was gonna go home for a Fat Abbot marathon, so you better make it quick."

"I prefer to take things slow," she spoke with a low, seductive voice, adding a little wink for good measure.

"Huh?" Cartman raised an eyebrow.

Right, she had also forgotten that he obviously wasn't going to pick up on any innuendo or flirting or anything of that kind. She would have to take it slowly, play around with him a little bit. Have her fun before letting him have his.
She was still not convinced that this was a good idea, but she felt compelled to at least try. For her sake or for his, at this point she had no idea. She wasn't that much more familiar with feelings, emotions and all that stuff than he was, but the idea of a guy resisting her both scared and excited her, and that was all she needed to keep going.

"Hello? EARTH TO SLUT?"

"What?" Bebe blurted out.

"What's wrong with you, ho? You've been staring at me for like, thirty seconds. Say something or fuck off, I'm hungry."

'As if you're ever not hungry,' she thought. 'Wait... he's hungry...'
That was a perfect opportunity to make her move, he couldn't possibly turn that down. Not him.

"Eric... what would you say if I asked you out on a date tonight?"

Bebe had no idea how long he stared blankly at her, but it was definitely longer than thirty seconds.

"...a date?" Cartman finally spoke. "Like an actual date with you?"

"Yes. We can go get a few drinks and something to eat, just you and me."

He seemed to consider it for a few seconds, before shaking his head.

"Fuck off. I'm sure Kahl put you up to this, didn't he?"

"Would you just stop blaming Kyle for everything? You went so far as to blame him for 9/11 when he wasn't even fucking born yet!"

Another minute passed in silence. Cartman felt far too confused and conflicted about the situation, all he wanted was to go home, munch on Cheesy Poofs and watch TV.

"Look, just go bother somebody else, alright? You can get any stupid asshole to fuck you senseless without even trying, so leave me alone."

"What if I don't want to be fucked senseless? What if I just want a nice guy to take me out on a date?"

"Since when am I a nice guy?"

"Alright, look, Cartman. You probably think I'm just fucking with you, but I'm not."

"Sure, I totally believe that," he glared at her.

"Cartman..." Barbara sighed in frustration. While he had no experience with flirting, she had no experience with rejection.
Well, except that one time, but only because the guy was gay.

"Eric," she began calmly, "I know you've been alone since Heidi all those years ago. You seem lonely and I just want to give you a chance. Is that so hard to believe?"

"Even if I were on my knees, crying and begging for you to give me a chance... it would still be too hard to believe."

If Bebe wasn't sure before whether she actually wanted Cartman or not, she now was. Who the fuck did that fat fuck think he was, accusing her of lying and turning her down?
He will take her out on a date and she will fuck his brains out. However, a different approach was needed.

"You know, Cartman, I really think you could be a sweet and loving guy, if you wanted to."

"You don't know me," he replied bitterly.

"That's true," she grabbed both of his hands in hers and leaned forward, batting her eyelashes at him, "but I want to get to know you."

The larger boy didn't answer, but he didn't need to. His blushing face was all Barbara wanted to see.

"Alright, Bebe, whatever. I'll go on your stupid date."

"Where do you want to go?" she asked, smiling warmly. She knew no male could ever resist her charms.

"KFC," he blurted out as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Bebe's smile weakened. "Oh... don't you want to try something a little more romantic?"

"Okay, I'm seriously now. Why did you ask me out if you want me to behave like a fucking hippie? The school's full of those."

"I don't know... I'm sure you could be romantic if you wanted to."

"Well, I don't. So you can either have me, Eric Cartman, or you can fuck off and go suck some pussy's dick."

Right... it wasn't gonna be that easy, but she knew she could pull it off. She was sure Cartman had a soft side and she was going to fucking see it.

"So, what's it gonna be? The ball's in your camp, skank."

"You're right," she poked his crotch with a finger, "ball's in my camp."

Cartman jumped back, letting out a very unmanly yelp.

"Bebe, what the fuck?"

There was no anger on his face, just... confusion. And a deeper blush.
The blonde girl smiled even wider. It might take some time to learn exactly how to toy with him, but she was gonna have a lot of fun doing it.

"Pick me up at my place, tonight, seven thirty."

"See you tonight," Cartman replied, still very confused.

Could there be a possibility that she was actually serious?

"Do we really need to hold hands in public?" Bebe asked, the town's Kentucky Fried Chicken now in view.

"You wanted this to be a date, ho."

"Yes, but..."

"But what? You're afraid people are gonna see you with me and think that you're totally not cool?"

She didn't answer. She didn't have to.
Despite having no success with the ladies, he was still a manipulative asshole and knew exactly what made people tick. Hell, this was probably the reason why he was holding her hand in the first place. She was going to have to learn how to push his buttons while he knew exactly how to push hers.

"Tough shit. You should have thought of that before you asked me out."

Yes, she should have.
Truth be told, there were a lot of things she should have done once she had realized that she wanted to try anything at all. Between those lingering stares in class and right now, less than four hours had passed.

"Dammit," she muttered under her breath.

"Hey, relax, Bebe," he tightened his grip on her hand.

"That's easy for you to say... besides, you were the one who was nervous when I asked you out. Why are you so confident now?"

"Because I'm minutes away from eating fried chicken."

"I don't understand."

"KFC, Bebe. The Colonel has that effect on people."

"Is it really that good?"

"What, you never had KFC before?" he asked incredulously.

"No."

Cartman stopped walking for a few seconds, letting go off her hand, staring at her face in disbelief.

"Holy shit."

"What?"

"Forget sex, this is gonna be your real treat tonight," he smiled, forcefully grabbing her arm and dragging her inside. "FRIED CHICKEN!" he shrieked, his hand clinging on a scared Barbara.

The two teenagers were sitting at a table, tired but full. Empty buckets and wrappers littered the table, the floor and some of the seats.
They had decided to sit next to each other, mostly because eye contact was still pretty awkward. And because Cartman's eating manners weren't all that refined.

Regardless, Bebe found that Cartman could, in fact, be a pretty nice guy, and kind of fun to talk to. As long as she ignored all the swearing and racial slurs, which she was used to anyway.

Cartman also found that Bebe's presence was enjoyable. Despite his initial assessment of her personality, she could definitely have some use as something other than a cocksleeve. It irritated him to admit it but she was a rather nice girl and could hold a decent conversation. He had guessed the whole dumb blonde bimbo stereotype couldn't possibly apply more to anybody than to Barbara, but she was actually pretty smart.

"Wasn't that better than sex?" Cartman asked with a tired smile.

"Might have been if I didn't gain, like, five pounds from it. I hate you, Cartman."

"Who cares?"

"I do! I don't expect you to understand, five pounds is probably what you ingest for breakfast, but I have my figure to watch."

"No you don't. I mean, Jesus Christ, Bebe... Five pounds? Even if you could gain that much from a single meal, nobody but you would notice, and nobody but you would give a shit."

"But guys would-"

"Guys don't give a fuck about that, Bebe," he interrupted. "Only you girls do. You can lose or gain a few pounds here and there, only you dumb skanks will ever be concerned about it or even notice it. We simply don't care."

Bebe smiled. She completely put aside the point he was making to focus on one particular thing. They were on a date, the first he had been on in years, yet he was casually calling her a dumb skank. While not particularly flattering, he was just being himself. He wasn't trying to impress her or woo her, he wasn't being overly nice in hopes of getting something out of it... he was just behaving like he always did.
It felt refreshing.

"Thanks, Cartman."

In lieu of an answer, the boy just let out a loud belch.

"CARTMAN!"

"What? It's a normal bodily function, you know... don't hold back either," he smirked.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah."

"I see... say, Eric, can I tell you a secret?"

"Sure."

"Eric, I..." she whispered in his ear.

"Yes?" he inquired.

*BURP*

"DUDE! SICK!" Cartman recoiled away from Bebe. "I felt your breath on my ear! Fucking sick!"

Cartman stopped frowning when he realized that the blonde girl was laughing her ass off. She was just having fun and actually enjoying the date, and it felt good. He would never have guessed that making a chick happy would feel almost as good as pissing Kyle off, but it did.
Even if it meant he had to let her burp in his ear.

Her laughing fit finally dying down, the blonde girl sighed happily, closing her eyes.

"I really had a good time tonight, Eric."

"Me too. You wanna go back to my place? We could watch a movie or something."

"I'd like that," she smiled.

Walking alongside Cartman, Barbara felt... confused. She couldn't possibly be falling for him, right? Sure, he was kind of nice and fun to be around, but he couldn't possibly be boyfriend material, could he?
The young girl hadn't had a stable relationship in quite some time, but while sleeping around was fun and all, perhaps it was time she settled down.
With Eric Cartman.

Eric Cartman.
The same fat racist asshole whose arm was draped over her shoulders as they walked together, side by side.

It felt really nice.

Walking alongside Bebe, Cartman felt equally confused. Girls were all stupid useless cunts, so why was he enjoying this? He felt like seeing her happy was making him feel good, but he knew that couldn't be the reason. Why would he care about anyone's happiness but his own?
Somehow, seeing her smile warmly as he brought her body closer to his felt like a recompense. He felt like he had a purpose other than himself, and that was... pleasant. Weird, but pleasant.

Cartman and Bebe were sitting down on the boy's bed, his arm still wrapped around her neck, his hand hanging limply over her breasts. Barbara was a little disappointed by the fact that he hadn't made any attempt to touch her, but his contented moans every time she shuffled closer to him, nestling her head against his pudgy chest... she really liked those. He had made no attempt to touch her, but he also hadn't made any attempt to hide just how much he was enjoying this.

"You know, fatass..." Bebe suddenly remembered something.

"Huh?" he looked at her.

"Even if you end up screwing me, I think there's something else that would make you even happier."

"Why would screwing you make me happy?" he replied.

"Why don't you try and see for yourself?"

"Shut up, Bebe. Look, it's just getting good," he pointed at the TV. Otachi had just revealed her impressive wingspan, taking to the skies with an equally massive robot in her claws.

She had to admit, it was good entertainment. Dumb, but really fun.

"Anyway, what was I saying?"

"Something about making me happy."

"Oh, right. See, before we went out tonight, I told Wendy about it and-"

"That makes me so happy, Bebe."

"Shut it, tubby."

"AY!"

"Just shut up and let me finish."

He didn't argue back.

"Wendy and I made a bet on whether or not I would have a good time with you tonight."

"Huh. I guess she bet everything she had that you wouldn't?" he grunted.

"Just fifty dollars, but yeah."

"Why would that make me happy, though? So the dumb bitch was wrong, I mean, what else is new?"

"Because, Eric, she's going to publicly admit to your face that she was wrong, and pay you for it."

"Pay me?" he raised an eyebrow. "You made the bet, not me."

"To be perfectly honest, the simple fact that you did show me a good time... I think you deserve it."

"So," he assessed, "KFC, a kick-ass movie and a girl in my room. Resting her head on me."

"Yup. How does that feel?"

"It's pretty kewl," he replied before letting out a satisfied sigh. "I could get used to this."

"So could I."

"What do you mean?"

"Typically my 'dates' don't involve much cuddling or spending time doing... you know, couple things."

"Oh. So once again, I'm the best."

"No you're not."

"Yes, I am."

"Shut up, it's getting good," she points to the TV.

Bebe was completely fangirling over the two nerdy scientists who were engaged in a sort of bonding moment, getting ready to drift together with the dead baby Kaiju.

"Lame."

"Cartman, I am not sleeping in this bed if you're wearing fucking socks."

"My feet get cold at night," he replied, a little embarrassed.

"I don't care. You take these off right now."

As she watched him struggle to take his socks off, Bebe was wondering if having sex with him was really the best course of action. Maybe for once, she could try to take things slowly, build a proper relationship not entirely based on out of control teenage hormones. Besides, some cuddling would be nice, and Cartman sure looked snuggly. At least when he wasn't busy ranting about Jews and other minorities.

She snuggled below the covers, right next to Cartman. Both were on their side, looking at each other.

"Are we gonna fuck?" he asked bluntly.

"No, Eric. Not tonight."

"Why?" he asked again, his tone still flat.

"Because I care too much about you to just take your virginity like that."

"Bebe, we guys don't really care."

"Eric, I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest with your answer."

"Have I ever been dishonest?"

"Cartman..." she frowned.

"Okay, okay, sorry."

"Would you like for this to happen again?"

"You mean the whole date thing, then we cuddle in my room?"

"Yes."

"...yeah," he replied after a few seconds, "it's pretty fucking sweet."

She smiled, taking his hand in hers.

"I enjoyed it too."

The blonde girl smirked in the dark, deciding it was time to make her move. With inhuman swiftness, she climbed on top of Cartman's chest, laying her head right below his chin, her slender legs resting on his fat, cushy thighs and her breasts pressing against his slowly heaving chest.

"Bebe, what the fuck are you doing?"

She felt at peace. How could he be so warm?

"Your mattress sucks ass. I'm sleeping on you tonight," she said innocently.

"B-but, but what if I-"

"What, do you want me to move?"

"...no."

They both sighed in happiness. This had certainely been an interesting evening...

"Bebe?"

"Yes, fatass?"

"Can I put my arms around you?"

"You don't need to ask," she chuckled.

Wrapping an arm around her small frame, he used the other one to smack her ass. She yelped, held in place by his strong grip.

"What was that for?"

"For calling me a fatass."

She didn't reply as he brought his arm up, hugging her tighter.

"At least I have an ass, you skinny bitch," he added in a playful tone.

Bebe stared blankly at him, before shrugging and letting the warmth envelop her. It felt nice.
For the first time in quite a while, she felt... loved. She had no idea whether or not Cartman was capable of loving anyone besides himself, but she was hoping she would be the one to find out.
She eventually drifted off to sleep, lulled by her entire upper body slowly moving up and down as he breathed calmly.

Cartman was equally happy, even though the kind of warmth he was feeling was a little different. It was very warm and damp, and it made the thin fabric of her nightgown stick to his naked thigh.
"Sweet..." he smiled, feeling her curly hair brush against his chin. He found rest pretty easily that night.

Cartman was sitting in French class, bored out of his mind. He originally wanted to learn French to insult and torment Pip, but he later realized that the British kid had been dead for what, half a decade?
Playing with his pen, Cartman nearly fell off his seat when his phone buzzed. Who the hell could possibly text him so early in the morning?
Unknown number on top of that?

'Cartman, it's Bebe.'

Bebe... holy shit, he had almost forgotten about the previous night.

'Hey Bebe. I slept really well.'

'Me too, fatass. I just wanted to know, are we dating?'

Cartman let go off the phone. Were they dating? They went out on a date, then slept in the same bed, very close to each other... but they didn't kiss. Would that still qualify as dating?

'I don't know. Are we?'

'Do you want us to be dating?'

'Do you even need to ask?'

'Pick me up tonight, same time as yesterday.'

'What if I have other things to do?'

'You never have anything to do, tubby.'

'Fuck you.'

'You will tonight.'

Later that day

The hallways were full of students walking and chatting. That was, until Cartman came barreling down the hallway, his gaze fixated on a familiar blonde girl and her friend. Quickly closing the distance, he casually flipped Wendy off before grabbing Barbara by the arms, hoisting her up and slamming her back against the row of lockers.

Before anybody could react, he planted his lips on hers.
She seemed more confused than anything at first, but she quickly relaxed into the kiss. As soon as she began kissing him back, Cartman loosened his grip a little and she dropped a few inches, wrapping her arms around his neck.

He let out an involuntary moan when her tongue poked his lips. He instinctively opened his mouth, allowing the blonde girl to push past his lips, beginning to explore his mouth. She lightly touched the tip of his tongue with her own, repeating the motion a few times before his own muscle began to move, following her retreating tongue. Barbara moaned as he began to deeply kiss her, his tongue caressing every inch of her mouth it had access to. She sucked greedily on it, gently biting down as the kiss broke. Before she could react, he kissed her again.
And again.

Nearly five minutes later, they finally broke away, panting.

"C-Cartman..." she stammered, completely red and disheveled. "What was that?"

"That," he said with the biggest grin anyone had ever seen him with, "was me making it official."

He ignored the dozens of glares they had been receiving, instead turning around to stare triumphantly at a positively seething Wendy Testaburger.

"Pay up, bitch."

Epilogue: the morning after

Munching on toast next to a very tired but deeply happy Cartman, Bebe was replaying the events of that night in her mind.

They watched another movie, but she didn't remember what it was about because they were far too busy making out.

When Cartman came out of the bathroom later, ready to go to bed, he found her naked and spread eagle on his bed. She asked him if he wanted her to teach him about the finer points of love-making, to which he simply replied 'no', before lying down on his stomach in between her legs. 'You know,' he told her as he kissed the inside of her left thigh, grabbing her hands with his own, 'I watched enough porn,' he added, planting another kiss on the inside of her other thigh, slightly higher. Their fingers intertwined.
Before Bebe could ask what porn had to do with anything, his tongue made contact.

She was right all along, Cartman did have a sweet, soft (and somewhat orally fixated) side. And only she would get to enjoy it.
In the outside world, he was his good old self, but as soon as their lips met, his touch would become gentle and sensual. With him, she felt loved, not merely lusted after.

Epilogue 2: put it down

Wendy was in economics class when her phone buzzed. She looked at it, it was just a picture. She opened it before gawking at it, trying her hardest not to fucking scream.
Cartman had sent her a photo of him flipping her off while using Bebe's naked body as a pillow, a fifty dollar bill covering her intimate parts.

A/N: I ship the everloving fuck out of Cartman and Wendy (Candy is actually what got me into fanfiction over five years ago), but when they don't end up together, she needs to pay.