Ready or not

There. It was done.

Alice finished the flower arrangement on the grave and stepped back, reflecting on how it wasn't just the blooms she was referring to. Her mother's name lay alongside her father's. The funeral was done – another impossible thing she had achieved. Her family was done…and she only had the one… The tears came now and she let them trickle over her cheeks, warm on her skin. She was alone now. Her mother had urged her, in those final months, to marry, to make a new family, but she had no interest in any of the men that she met. Their skin was not pale enough, their hair not bright enough, altogether they were too sane. She needed belief in the impossible. Harcourt came close, and if she had not come to a revelation standing by her parents' graves she may have gone a different course.

She called the good man into her office the day after the funeral and told him she was going away.

"Alice please!" she was startled by his exclamation and drop to one knee. "Marry me Alice!"

"Oh no," she had murmured with genuine regret. "Please get up."

"I need an answer Alice. Wherever you go I will go with you. I love you. I fear I have left it too late…but I need an answer."

She dropped to her knees in front of him and took his hands so they were looking into each other's eyes.

"No." Simple but gentle. "You are a wonderful man and will make a wonderful husband, but not for me. It would be impossible."

He gazed at her distressed eyes.

"You make the impossible possible, Alice. You eat impossible things for breakfast."

Her smile twitched at the misquote but she shook her head at him. "Not always, not in this world." She got up and walked to her desk as he stood shakily, devastated. "Sometimes I can though," she whispered as she came back to him with a sheaf of papers and placed them in his hands. "The company is yours."

His eyes widened and she tapped on the papers, "Mine too, should I ever come back, but I won't be needing these where I am going."

Harcourt managed to incoherently express his arguments against these events, each of which Alice expertly turned aside until he finally expressed his thanks and she smiled.

"Excellent. Then I shall say farewell."

"Where are you going?" he asked as she steered him to the door.

"On another adventure," she replied. "You see, Mr Harcourt, I realised something at my Mother's funeral yesterday. Someone once told me that you only have one family, but I believe they are wrong. It is true that I only have one Father and Mother, but I do have a second family, and they are waiting for me…and I need to tell him he was wrong."

After a final farewell, she closed the door and locked it, eyeing up the giant mirror she had purchased from the Ascot's some months ago when she had driven them out of business.

The glass shimmered and rippled. She smiled.

"Ready or not, here I come."

When she stepped through into Wonderland she was struck again by how the world she had just left paled in comparison. It was so bright here, so airy. This world where the air smelled sweet so long as good reigned and where the impossible was merely un-possible…where you could accidentally destroy the whole universe by making one poor decision. Her world was grey and strait-laced, where the impossible was bound with chains of expectations and propriety.

She could breathe in Wonderland.

She was eager to see her friends…her second family. They were delighted to see her and when she told them she was staying indefinitely there were shrieks of delight.

"I'm sure the Hatter will be pleased to hear it," Mirana said sweetly, an undertone of suggestion in her smile that Alice wondered if she had really seen. She missed the conspiratorial look that Mallymkun shot Bayard.

"Indeed," Alice agreed, only slightly reserved in her manner. "Where is he?"

"I imagine he's at his house," Mally replied slyly and Alice turned her scrutinising gaze on the little mouse.

"Right," she murmured suspiciously and started up to the house. It began as a dignified walk but as she imagined the look he would have on his face when she told him she would be staying for good she began to grin and her feet began to run until she was practically flying up to his front door.

She was going to knock, she really was. It was, after all, the proper thing to do, yet she found herself charging through the door in her excitement of seeing him.

"Hatter!" The door slammed back against the wall with a crack and her eyes swept the room. She had barely registered the fact that Tarrant was not alone before he was exclaiming "Alice!" and on his feet, embracing her. She was left a moment longer staring at the scene over his shoulder. An older man and a younger woman sat at a table laid for four, clearly partaking of tea. They did not look happy at her intrusion. Her smile faded a moment but then Hatter's arms pressed tighter and the smile swept back across her face as she shut her eyes to the disapproving looks.

"Alice, it is you. You are back." He released the embrace and added, in a faintly accusing tone, "I did not think I should see you again."

"Yes, I am back."

She could not keep the smile from her eyes, the excitement from her voice and the Hatter stepped back, sweeping a gaze of scrutiny from top to bottom.

"You are dressed unlike my Alice," he pointed out and she glanced down at the mourning dress she had forgotten she wore.

"Yes, I was at a funeral," she informed him. "My Mother died."

"I am sorry," he said, genuinely grieved for her, and she offered a reassuring smile. He tilted his head at her. "Your muchness is…" he narrowed his eyes at her, before they widened and sparkled. "You are so much more Alice than you were before. Your muchness is much muchier."

She laughed a little at his delight. "That must be because I'm finally home. Hatter I…" She was about to tell him, tell him everything. That she was back to stay. That he had been wrong…but there was a sharp clearing of a throat and all eyes were drawn to the older gentleman she had forgotten existed.

"Tarrant, you have guests."

The Hatter released her with one arm and used the other to propel her towards the table. The older man's tone had doused Alice with cold water but Tarrant seemed unperturbed.

"Father, this is Alice! Alice!"

Father? Alice looked again and saw clearly now the man who had produced for her a hat all those years ago. More grey in his hair and more worry lines but essentially the same man. The frown vanished and he looked at her afresh.

"The Alice?"

She smiled politely and stepped forward, offering her hand.

"It is nice to meet you properly, Mr Hightop."

A flicker of recognition in his eyes. "We've met." It wasn't a question.

"I'm surprised you remember sir," she replied as he took her hand in his own. He tilted his head to one side and his eyes practically twinkled, like Tarrant's did.

"I never forget a head, nor the hat that it rightly belongs to."

Hatter was looking from one to the other, grinning inanely.

"I'm so glad you finally got to meet." She glanced at him and the delight in his eyes sent her insides fluttering. "Come, sit, have tea with us."

"Oh, I…" her old world habits died hard and she had once again caught the eye of the young lady at the table no one had yet introduced. "I don't want to interrupt."

The lady was well dressed and fashionable and she smiled at Alice in that condescending way that reminded her of someone back in England. It made her feel strange; like spiders were in her hair.

"Nonsense Alice! I always keep a spare seat for you, in case you ever drop by, after that first day. Do you remember?"

He had drawn her towards her seat and pulled it back for her and she stopped on the other side of it before sitting, her eyes meeting his as she replied softly, "Yes I remember."

She could almost imagine that all the thoughts and feelings inside her were reaching out to him, and could sense their light touch, like insubstantial fingers, brushing his own.

"You were always too small or too tall," he added, equally softly, and she thought for the briefest second, that she felt his own feelings reach out and take the hand of her own and they matched.

"Such lovely reminiscing," a snippy voice broke through the enchantment and sent the imaginings scattering, hiding back inside. The sense of loss hit her with surprising force, but she recovered well and turned to the other guest with a stiff smile on her face.

"I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced," Alice tried politely, "Are you one of Tarrant's sisters?" She could see Mr Hightopp looking at her, his eyes slightly narrowed, brows slightly furrowed, like he was assessing her. His glance skimmed past and settled on his son with the same shrewdness.

The condescending smile was back on the woman's face, the edges sharp and Alice suddenly knew who she was reminded of. Hamish's new wife. The spiders dropped down her back.

"No. I'm Tarrant's fiancée."

The floor beneath her feet cracked. The smile remained frozen on her face.

"Oh. That's nice."

Where was she? Back in London where she had to pretend to be polite and emotionally repressed? She might as well have been. Old habits.

"Nothing has been confirmed yet," she heard Mr Hightopp say as though from a great distance, frowning at the fiancée.

"Alice?" Hatter was looking at the cracked floor under her feet and she turned the frozen smile to him.

"I should congratulate you."

Ice crept over the window and the pane cracked.

All eyes looked to it.

The Hatter put a hand on her arm but what should have been fire and sparks felt cold and numb.

"Alice?" Concerned. Alarmed.

"Did I do that?" she whispered, staring at the glass.

"Alice." He stood in front of her, forcing her eyes to divert to him. He was frowning at her in bewilderment. "Your muchness…" It was draining away from her, all colour bleeding out until she was as grey and colourless as the world she came from. Her eyes flickered away from him, her head turned down.

"I should leave," she stated and was out the door before he could stop her.

She was back in the gardens. She couldn't remember running, couldn't remember much of how she got there, but it had been good to get away. She caught a glimpse of her reflection in a pool and saw that a little of her colour had returned.

"I still have some of my muchness remaining then," she whispered to herself. "You've got an important decision to make Alice."

Her reflection put her hands on her hips and looked at her sternly.

"Well, which is it to be then? Will you stay or go?"

Startled, Alice drew back from the water. She could do without being chastised by her reflection today but she smiled weakly in amusement nonetheless.

"That'd never happen in London."

The question was a serious one though, and the decision hard to make when she was still reeling from the shock, her muchness mostly knocked out of her. Her insides were raw and hurting and she wished she had someone she could talk to. At these points in the past that someone had usually shown up; Solomon mostly, or Chess or Mirana, and someone did on this occasion. She just hadn't expected it to be the someone who had caused her the pain.

"Alice."

She turned suddenly and there Hatter stood, causing those feelings inside to perk up and clamour for attention. She shushed them.

"You've left your guests," she pointed out, her voice a little broken.

"You left," he stated back, serious and quiet, "you'd only just got here."

Alice's forehead creased a little, her face solemn.

"I am deciding if it might have been a mistake to come back, if I should have stayed in London." Hatter did not respond, merely listened, head slightly to one side, and she found the rest of the words spilling out to fill the silence. "I came back to tell you that you were wrong, that some people don't only have one family, but then…maybe you were right." She paused a moment and looked at him sadly. "My Mother died. She wanted me to start a family with someone. He asked me to marry him..." she trailed off, remembering his pleading look. He was a good man. He would make someone else a good husband.

The air in the gardens chilled, although the sun still shone and Hatter's face was shadowed.

"So, who is it yew would be married teh? Meybe I should be offering congratulations of me own?" His tone sneered at any London choice she might make. She felt an answering flare of anger inside at his reaction, felt her own face shadow.

She looked away for a moment, trying to stay in control but found she couldn't quite manage it. She snapped her head back to him, eyes narrowed.

"You may not judge me," she declared. "When were you going to tell me that you were engaged?" she challenged in return, blade for blade. Fire in her was matching the madness in him. His lips curved dangerously.

"What does it matter teh yew, if yew would be married yeself?"

Alice covered the distance between them in a blazing stride.

"I did not accept his proposal," she spoke with a righteous anger, voice ringing clear, "because I do not love him. Something you don't seem to understand."

There was the crackle of lightning, the sharp tang of burning, and then it vanished. The sudden change in the air caused Alice to glance around.

"I am not engaged to her."

Her attention fixated back on the Hatter, his eyes suddenly still and calm again.

"What?" Alice felt the shock almost as sharp as the first revelation.

"She has been taking liberties with our mutual friend Time. No proposal has been made, although I have no doubt that it was planned to be the eventual intention."

She couldn't think of anything to say.

"Oh." There was a silence while she processed. "Then why…"

Hatter gave a smile; weak, begging understanding.

"My Mother. She worries. All this time they were lost and I didn't find a suitable partner. She worries about me."

Alice nodded. "I understand." She remembered her own Mother's feelings. The urging to marry Hamish and then, on her death bed, marry anyone. As though a person could not be whole without a romantic other. An incorrect assumption Alice had scorned and flaunted for the last number of years.

"I did not want to displease them," Hatter added, "did not want to lose their approval after so long."

Alice listened, her face becoming sadder, her voice resigned as she placed a hand on Hatter's shoulder and said, "so you will marry her."

Her heart was as cracked as the window had been. She felt the edges splinter further.

He widened his eyes at her, seemingly bewildered.

"That was before Alice returned." He smiled a little. "I'm not as mad as you think."

"Hatter, I don't understand…"

His hand reached up to grasp the one she left on his shoulder and she felt the touch shock through her.

"To marry a woman I did not love when the woman I did was right here would be a truly mad thing."

She felt the smile on her lips, like a flower slowly blooming. Though he hadn't yet confirmed the meaning of his words, those mismatched eyes and the touch of his hand told her enough to speak her next words boldly.

"Hatter, are you saying you love me?"

His eyes darkened a shade, as though halfway to madness.

"Aye." It reverberated from inside him, rough with the rawness of feeling, yet warm. The flower in her smile burst into bloom. "Say yew will stay wid me, Alice."

"Of course I will," she exclaimed, almost breathless and then, ignoring all Victorian propriety and her Mother's disapproving looks from beyond the grave, she threw her arms around her Hatter and he lifted her, spinning her until she felt so light she might float away.

"And yew Alice," he said when he stopped spinning her, holding her close to keep her grounded, "yew love me also?"

Her smile turned gentle, her voice soft and loved. "As though you have to ask." She brushed her hands over his cheeks and held his face in that way she had once long ago to bring him back and to remind him of what was real. "With all my heart dear Tarrant."

He kissed her then and all thoughts of floating away vanished like wisps into the air as though a hand through smoke. He anchored her, drew her near and she knew he was enough to stop her floating away.

Mr Hightopp walked unexpectedly onto the couple and beat a quick retreat before they could see him.

Alice need not have worried about the reaction of Hatter's family. The role of a Hatter is to make the hat that belonged to the head. Mr Hightopp was the very best of the Hatter's and his skills stretched far beyond his work. He could see when something fitted and the moment that the Alice had been swept into his son's embrace, crashing into the room like a pair of cymbals and interrupting their afternoon tea, he had known that the two belonged. She had sent the air of propriety, staid and neutral in colour, running scattered and scared as she brought with her into the air bursts of colour. Delight and joy. Belief in the impossible. They had exploded the atmosphere of the room and torn the cobweb of normal. Tarrant had called it her muchness. She met him in his madness. Encouraged him and contained him. They fitted together.

He had to report back to Mrs Hightopp and dismiss the uncouth and coarse young lady he had the misfortune to spend the afternoon with; although he realised he should probably thank her for her unknowing part.

Meanwhile the couple still stood in the woods, completely unaware.

"I love you, my Alice," Hatter said again, in his normal, right Hatter voice; soft and quiet and full of wonder.

"I love you, my Hatter," she responded, mostly serious, with her lips curved in her honest smile.

She tilted her head. "You know this is absolutely impossible."

Hatter gave her his infectious, mad grin. "It is, isn't it?"

Alice gave him a teasing look. "What impossible thing should we do next?"

His hands grabbed hers eagerly, "Let's go tell the others," and before she could answer he was striding back to the castle dragging her along behind. Laughing, Alice caught up with him so they were striding side by side and with the smile still on her face she whispered, "Ready or not, here we come."