MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDE AND PTSD

(Disclaimer: I don't own or have any affiliation with Orphan Black)

Prolougue

Diary Entry #1

The nightmares were the worst part. They're always different, sometimes I see Rachel coming at me with a knife, or sometimes it's Coady, jabbing at Kira with a needle, and she's screaming and I'm screaming but I can't get to her and I'm telling her to run, but she's not moving. I wake up in my own bed, in my own house, and even though I know that I should feel safe and comfortable here, I don't, and I feel like I'm doing something wrong for not wanting to stay. The nights where my screams wake Kira are some of the worst. What sort of example am I setting for my kid? I tell her not to carry what we've been through with her through her life, but yet she has to watch her mother carry demons on her back every day.

The past week or so, the dreams have been different. They're like certain scenes playing over and over, as if from a movie, except they are not from a movie, not any movie I'd want to watch anyway. They're from my childhood. Real things. I cry when I'm alone, I can't help it. I feel like I've turned soft. I'm Sarah Manning, I haven't been soft since I was 6 years old, but I have no control over it now. I cry and I panic and I just can't get a grip. So long ago I thought I had shaken off those demons from when I was a kid, but now it feels like the world has run out of people to pit against me, so now I've been pit against my own mind, my own memories. I'm scared and I'm lonely. I don't know how to be happy. I can't be happy… I, I'm starting to think, maybe this is it for me. I've done what I was mean't to do now, and I was never mean't to stick around. I bet that is what Beth thought too. I stare at my face in the bathroom mirror, or is it even my face? It's hard to tell sometimes.

"I've done all I could, Beth. I'm coming to you now." I whisper out loud to my reflection.