Epilogue

"…she had discovered the sacrament of life did not demand memory. Like a leaf that drank from the morning dew, you didn't question the sunrise or the sweet taste in your mouth. You just drank." – R. Denfeld "The Child Finder"

Castle residence, NYC

One month later

In the end they caught not one killer but two.

Turns out that the case she'd been over-seeing that started it all, the Boxcutter Killer, had ties to Nick Nieman. The two men met at a strip club not long after she'd killed Kelly Nieman and they'd been drawn to each other. Two men living on the fringes of normal and harboring similar desires.

For Nieman it was a bonus, taking part in a series of murders that ultimately ended up in the jurisdiction of her precinct. It had planted a seed in his twisted mind.

He discovered that he liked to kill and at the same time he wanted revenge. He was a scientist who loved to experiment without the barriers of rules, regulations and ethics. It was such a perfect combination. Getting a chance to help kill and trying to find a way to blame his sister's killer for it.

There were still many things that didn't make sense. Why take her to Philadelphia? Why make the effort to weasel himself into Lily's orbit as her swim coach? What was his plan for her daughter? Had he planned to dump her at that cabin near Albany or was that a mistake?

They'd arrested the Boxcutter Killer a few days ago in Tampa Bay and it was all thanks to the encrypted notes they'd found on one of Nieman's hard drives. Being the scientist that he was, Nieman couldn't help but catalogue some of what he'd done over the last six years.

But he was brilliant too, so of course he'd encrypted his reports and written them in a short hand that was unintelligible to the techs that first found them on his hard drive.

After all, what was the point of turning her into a killer if the world found out he'd forced her to do it?

Maybe if it had been left in the hands of the NYPD they wouldn't have decoded any of it, but her successor, Captain Yamato, and her former boss, Victoria Gates, now the Assistant Chief of Police, were pulling out all stops on this one and they'd brought in some of the best code breakers from the FBI and Homeland Security to help them out.

So while they were in the process of deciphering everything bit by bit, Beckett had received permission to see the reports they put together. At least the ones that concerned her.

That's what she was doing now, sitting in the study at the crack of dawn before the rest of the loft came to life. A cup of steaming coffee stood next to her laptop and she opened up Javier's latest e-mail with a mix of curiosity and apprehension.

She'd read the first couple of reports together with Castle, but now she preferred to do it on her own, because she couldn't handle the effect they had on him. Sometimes she did it at the PI agency when he wasn't there. She'd started working there a couple of weeks ago, because she needed work and all the distractions that came with it and he desperately needed an assistant, because all this time later, he still avoided paperwork like the plague.

Reading Nieman's notes gave her goosebumps too, and more often than not they made her bitter and angry. She didn't want to be angry on Lily's birthday of all days. But then she'd woken up in the middle of the night unable to get back to sleep and suddenly her need to know over-powered everything else again.

Kate took a sip of coffee and began to read the e-mail.

A personal note from Esposito was at the top.

-Have I mentioned how glad I am that you killed that sonofabitch?

A smile lifted her lips and she took another sip of coffee before reading the rest.

-36 hours no food. First test of malleability during food depravation
-Dosages all adjusted

A now-familiar list of drugs followed but they made her wince every time. Drugs that erased her memory. Raised her aggression. Made her compliant. Made her desperate. Sometimes all at once.

-Subject unconscious
-No Narcan this time
-saline IV (12 hours)
-Three fucking days wasted
-Dosages require further adjustment

And sometimes they just knocked her out and made her sick.

The next scribble was dated three weeks later.

-Let subject leave base for four hours without restraints
-Came back willingly for next injection
-HUGE HUGE SUCCESS

"Good morning." The voice from behind startled her but the strong, familiar hand that squeezed her shoulder immediately calmed her again.

Beckett turned around to see her half-awake partner standing behind her. He bent down to kiss her cheek and the scratch of his scruffy cheek against hers made her smile. "You're gonna have to shave before the party."

He helped himself to a sip of coffee from her mug. They'd slipped back into these small, intimate gestures so quickly. So easily. "How come you're up so early?"

"Couldn't sleep."

He glanced at the computer screen ahead, running one hand through his thick, messy hair. "Espo send you another report?"

"He did."

Castle frowned. He didn't particularly like her reading them. They upset him too much.

Although she appreciated his need to protect her, Beckett knew he wouldn't and couldn't stop her. Unpleasant or not, she wanted to know what Nieman did to her. She wanted to know what she did for six years. Sometimes his words still haunted her. "You did terrible things."

Most of all, she wanted to remember.

"Trigger anything?" he asked.

"No," she admitted. The point-form scribbles rarely did. She'd had a handful of nightmares this past month as well as occasional snippets of what she was certain were memories, sometimes triggered by the strangest things, like an untied shoelace or a piece of orange peel.

"Let's get ready for the birthday party," he told her, his one free hand massaging her shoulder now, inching underneath her pajama top.

It was his way of saying, 'don't read the memos from that house of horrors, not today of all days.'.

"It's barely past six in the morning," Kate protested. "Lily's not even awake yet."

"She will be soon, trust me. This is like Christmas morning for her."

Beckett relented and logged out of her e-mail and turned off the laptop.

Truth was, she was apprehensive about the birthday party too. They hadn't been able to coax Lily into a single swim practice she Nieman had taken her and put her in that tank. For that alone, Beckett wanted to kill him all over again. You do not get to do that, you asshole. I'm not letting you destroy the one thing she loved more than anything.

She'd offered to take Lily to a new pool. To a different coach. A female coach. But she'd been resistant to it all. "It's okay," her trauma counsellor had told her. "She's reacting to what happened and letting herself experience those emotions, even if they are negative ones. Even if she's using an avoidance tactic. It's normal. I'd be more concerned if she was trying to go on as though nothing happened. For now, just give it some time and keep trying to come up with different strategies."

So a few days ago, Beckett had brought up the idea of a pool party.

"A pool party?" Lily questioned.

"No coaches, no racing. Just you and a bunch of friends at a pool. We'll get music and cool floats. What do you think?"

"Sounds kinda neat."

It was the most enthusiasm for going back into the water that she'd seen from her daughter in weeks, so naturally Beckett had jumped on it.

They rented a hotel pool with a waterslide for three hours today. They decorated it with birthday banners and put together a play list featuring all of her daughter's favourite teen bands, along with a table full of multi-coloured slushies. All for Lily and eight of her friends.

It was an extravagant birthday party, but the expense didn't matter if it got Lily back in the water. If it reminded her how much she loved swimming and if she could once again associate it with something good and wonderful, then both she and Rick agreed that it would be worth it many times over.

"It'll be fine. She'll love it," Castle told her, as if reading her apprehensive thoughts.

The he extended his hand to her. "Come. Shower with me."

Beckett smiled and let him pull her up. "You're such a bully."

"You love it."

He kept doing this. Pulling her out of the darkness effortlessly. Reminding her how much she loved him.

Beckett followed him into the bathroom and watched in amusement as he clumsily took off his clothes because he still wasn't fully awake. Then he turned on the water and slowly steamed up the room.

Maybe they could do more than shower.

Later

It was a hit.

Lily had stood on the sidelines at first and reluctantly watched her friends jump into the pool. But she hadn't been able to resist joining them for long.

Eventually she'd made her way back into the water and it didn't take her long to remember that this was her element. A half hour later, they watched her slide down the water slide head first and do backflips off an inflatable raft, surrounded by the sound of giggling ten-year olds and the endlessly repetitive lyrics of a boy band that Beckett had never heard of before today.

A giant banner that said "Happy 10th birthday, Lily" was strung across the ceiling above the pool.

She remembered Castle stepping out from behind the table of slushies he was manning to give her a kiss. "You did good. This was an amazing idea."

Now the girls were all dried off and back at the loft. Most of them were up in Lily's room watching a movie after she'd blown out the ten candles of her giant cake which was coated in pink strawberry icing.

Martha had arranged for a caterer to prepare a gorgeous buffet in the living room and now the loft was full of adults too. Lanie was here, and so were Ryan and Esposito, with Ryan bringing his whole family as well as his sister who'd recently divorced. Leon and Alexis were currently dancing to Purple Rain, oblivious to everyone else, and the drinks were flowing freely. Everyone was content, chatty and satiated.

Beckett was far from drunk, but she was feeling a happy buzz after her second glass of wine.

"Wanna dance?" Castle snuck up behind her again and she felt his arm wrap around her waist.

She did, and she told him as much. But there were other priorities. "We need to cut the cake for the kids."

"They can wait. They just stuffed themselves with mac n' cheese, chicken sliders and carrot sticks."

"Come on, help me cut it," she told him. The kitchen was such a mess. She already dreaded the clean-up tonight.

"Fine then," he agreed, but Esposito was calling him to check something out on his phone. "I'll join you in a sec." He was still holding on to her though. "By the way, have I mentioned how much I like this dress?"

Beckett grinned. For a change it didn't feel like a compliment that was meant to make her feel better. She did look in the mirror after putting it on and for the first time in a long time, she liked the image that stared back at her. She felt beautiful, sexy even. Most of all, she felt like the woman she used to be.

The sling was long gone and her shoulder was healing nicely, her movement barely restricted anymore. She was wearing a short, black dress, loose enough to be comfortable yet hugging her skin tightly enough to elicit several pleased looks from the man she loved. And heels too. She'd worn heels again for the first time since coming back.

Her feet were getting sore from standing in them all afternoon, but that too was worth it.

She still wasn't entirely comfortable being around this many people though, so Beckett slipped out of his grasp and snuck off into the kitchen. Given its open concept, the kitchen wasn't much of a refuge but at least it took her away from the heart of the festivities. She knew how much Rick loved this, socializing and being the life of the party, so she told him to stay in the living room. That she'd cut the cake herself.

It was sitting on the granite counter and Beckett searched the cabinet for all the small plates she could find. There were at least 20 people in the loft, including the kids.

Grabbing as many as she could, she heard the dishwasher churning away next to her. Good call, babe. Start the clean up now.

Next she pulled a large knife from the drawer and began to divide the massive cake into small, square pieces. It was a shame almost, to ruin the impressive cake decorations. The miniature marzipan strawberries, the waves of pink icing and the beautiful cursive writing that spelled out, "Happy 10th Birthday, Lily."

Beckett cut the first piece, surprised that the knife got stuck on an actual piece of strawberry. She pushed down harder and when she brought the knife back up, a big red piece of strawberry was stuck to the knife.

Like a giant drop of blood.

"Harder. Thrust it into her!"

Beckett gasped and dropped the knife.

She wasn't here anymore, in the kitchen inside the loft. She was back in Harlem, helping Nieman stab a young woman to death.

"You gotta help me. Can't do everything alone. So fucking useless!"

She plunged the knife into the woman's chest. It got stuck amidst her screams and Beckett had a hard time pulling it back out.

No, no, no.

Her knees gave out and she slid down to the floor, next to the knife she'd dropped, while the dishwasher kept churning on.

She gasped for air, pressing her hands into her eyes. Willing for the memory to stop.

She didn't want to remember this. Not this.

Not killing.

"Kate?" She could feel Rick's hands on her own, removing them from her face. He was squatting down next to her on the kitchen floor. "What happened?"

Tears had filled the rim of her eyes. "I killed her."

"What?"

"The girl…" Her voice was shaky. "The one they found in the abandoned factory. I helped him kill her. It's why they found a bloody knife there with my prints. He didn't plant it. I remember now…I killed her."

Nieman had been right all along. She'd done terrible, unspeakable things.

"Hey," Rick's thumb ran along her cheek, wiping aside a tear. "Look at me."

"I killed someone." It had been her greatest fear since she came back and it was coming true.

"No," he shook his head, moving to sit next to her on the floor. A continued din of voices chatting and socializing came from the living room. All of them unaware of what was going on in the kitchen. "You didn't."

"I did."

"Kate, listen to me." The way he cupped her jaw with his hand forced her to turn sideways and look at him. Forced her to come back to the present. "You're not a killer."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you. Because even after my daughter was a complete jerk to you and that bastard pumped you full mind-altering drugs you still took a bullet for her rather than hurt her. That's how I know."

"I remembered, Rick…it was real."

"He drugged you, starved you. abused you, and then he made you do things against your will. None of it makes you a killer."

"I don't know…"

"I know." Castle pulled her into an embrace. "And whenever you're not sure of who you are, come to me, Kate. I'll remind you."

"So what do I do?" She wanted to know, marvelling that his belief in her never seemed to waver. "I pretend that the things I'm remembering never happened? I shouldn't be prosecuted for the things I did?"

"Prosecute you for the things you were forced to do? Against your will in order to survive? That's not justice."

"But, Rick…"

"You know what you do?" He'd brought one of her hands up to his lips. Kissed it lightly. "You move on. Because you're a survivor and that's what survivors do. Go back to the NYPD when you're ready and go back to doing what no one else can do like you. Let Lily have a mother again because she was without one for six years. Let me keep loving you." His eyes drank her in. "Keep reminding me that I never have to live without you again. Please."

"Mom…"

Beckett hadn't expected to see Lily bolting around the kitchen island behind which they were huddled on the floor together.

She gave them both a funny look. "How come you're sitting on the floor?"

Castle jumped to his feet with admirable speed and pulled Beckett up alongside him, before bending back down to pick up the knife. "We were playing hide and seek."

Lily rolled her eyes, not believing them but not caring enough to pull the truth out of them either. "Can I get a piece of cake?"

"You still hungry?" Beckett tested her voice.

"Not for me, for Nicole. She has to leave soon. I want her to have a piece before she goes home."

Castle found a clean knife and cut her a square piecing. Handing it to Lily on a small plate along with a dessert fork. "Here you go. We'll cut up some more pieces. Come down and grab them whenever you're ready."

"We don't have to end the party already, do we?"

"Heck no," Castle shot back. "It's Saturday and you're ten now. Your friends and my friends can stay as long as they want. I'm not ready to go to bed, are you?"

"No!"

Lily was about to take off with the cake, before she turned around again. "Mom?"

"Yeah…"

"Thanks for the pool party. I loved it."

She swallowed past the lump in her throat. "You're welcome. Happy birthday, baby."

"Do you think…we could go swimming there next weekend?"

"You and me?"

"Yeah."

"I, uh, yes. Definitely."

"Cool."

Then she took off without another word and ran up the stairs to her bedroom, where eight of her friends were waiting.

Castle was grinning after she was out of sight. "You hear that? She wants to go swimming!"

Beckett couldn't help the sudden swell of joy in her chest. "I know…"

"Guess you're going swimming next week." He pulled her into another hug, into that endless pool of strength and love. "Have I mentioned that I love you?"

She felt like she was on the verge of tears again. "Ditto."

"You okay?"

"I'm not sure."

"That's all right." He slowly let go of her and cut another two pieces of cake, one for her and one for himself. "Sometimes I wish you didn't want to remember so badly. I wish I could tell you that it doesn't matter. That maybe it's better to bury those six years forever. But if you do…then we'll deal with it. All you have to promise me is that you'll forgive yourself and that you'll stay in our lives."

The guilt was weighing heavily on her, but so was the desire for this. This beautiful life with him. "I'll try. I promise you that."

"That's god enough for me. I know you keep your promises." He was grinning now. "Come on, we have a party happening in our living room and we're missing it." He handed her a piece of cake while digging into one of his own. Then he led her back into the living room. Into their circle of friends and family. "You also owe me a dance."

The End

A/N: First and foremost giant thanks to my proof-reader (and also sounding board and venting board and above all, friend), WRTRD for basically taking me under your wing and being so very generous in sharing your writing wisdom with me. I'm beyond grateful.

Thank you also to those who've stuck with this mammoth story and took the time to read and leave me your thoughts. You were so often the inspiration I needed to keep plugging away at it. Finishing lengthy multi-chapters is always a little bittersweet. It's exciting to have reached the finish line but also a little sad to let go of a story that's become a companion of sorts.

Not sure what's coming up next, but I'm still missing this show way too much. I have the beginnings of a very AU post-apocalyptic multi-chapter that's been sitting on my computer for a while, and also an idea for something much shorter, that will combine my love for Caskett and yoga. But I'd also like to maybe try a couple of one-shots. In other words, no idea but always open to suggestions. :)