CHAPTER 1: RETURN

Note: This is purely Aizawa's thoughts in Episode 1.

"I'm sorry, but I have no intention of returning back to Lifesaving." That's how I answered Tachibana Sensei earlier. The current situation of Lifesaving right now is beyond my imagination, I saw how lost and hopeless the fellows are this year and how my previous colleagues struggled, but being as cold as I am known to be, I distantly declined his request. I was lost in my own thoughts, thinking if I sounded too unsympathetic earlier and thinking how others will retort on my decision, including Shiraishi.

"Ahh?" I squinted at the person standing outside the elevator. As soon as she went in Shiraishi have this surprised and uneasy look on her face, giving me the impression that she doesn't like the idea that I'm with her right now. Maybe it's because of what happened earlier.

"What's wrong?" I asked coldheartedly. Trying to read between the lines. She looks away.

"Huh? Nothing." I know how bad Shiraishi is in lying, and right now I can tell hundred percent that she has something in mind but somewhat hesitating to say it. She glances at my direction a few times confirming what I had in mind.

"What is it?" I repeated, still in a coldly manner. I frowns, wanting to hear it so badly, I tried encouraging her to let it out. It's obvious that she's hiding something.

"Nothing. Really." Her gaze holds mine. She smiles and continue, "By the way thank you for coming earlier." Changing the topic.

"Getting 5 cases alone in the morning is intense enough." I mutter, and a fleeting troubled look crosses my face. Trying to conceal my emotions, I look away, avoiding to look on her eyes. I don't want to be so obvious that I'm worried about her 'cause the situation earlier in lifesaving is quite bad. Literally bad. The fellows being completely useless while their team leader have this desperate, exhausted and distressed look on her face resuscitating patients.

"Oh, were you worried for us." She said like reading what's exactly on my mind. She smiles nervously and awkwardly, "It's alright because Hiyama sensei came back. And I think the trainees will become useful soon enough. I'm surprise too when Tachibana Sensei said that kind of thing earlier." Just as I thought. She wouldn't think of it much that way, she wouldn't figure how worried I am. Dense and clueless as always.

"Don't hesitate to call me if you need any help." I said before walking away.

Being in Neurosurgery and spending time in Lifesaving when they need consultations or an additional hand to help them is difficult. It's tiring. I know I can always say no when they ask for help, but I'm not only doing this for them. I'm also doing this to satisfy myself. Well, I can't complain much because that's the only chance I can use as an excuse to see and check on Shiraishi.

Looking at her face now makes me feel better. It's pleasant to see how her worried expression was replaced by relief and serenity. Yes. She's better without a scowl on her forehead and a desperate expression on her face. Seeing her earlier struggling to save a patient really puts my heart in distress. Her patients' blood pressure was dropping down, and Yokomine, the fellow can't even identify how exactly what Shiraishi wants her to do to help her.

Thinking that it'll unbearable for me to see Shiraishi's disappointed face again, after failing to save her patients earlier on, I quickly jump in without thinking twice and give her a hand to let her have a better view where the hemorrhage is coming from. No matter how experienced Shiraishi is, if she's surrounded by useless pathetic fellows like this, she really won't be able to perform well.

"Thanks for everything." We're on our way to send her patient to CCU when she breaks the silence.

"Are the trainees like that towards everyone? They seriously need to learn faster so that they can be more useful than nurses. They will be a nuisance when there are flights." My jaw clenches. Dissatisfied with everything I observed in Lifesaving, starting from how terrible the current situation was, how lost and useless the fellows are and how tired and distressed Shiraishi is, I can't help but to express what's on my mind.

"Don't say that, I need to cherish and look after them. Since there's no one who's interested in rotating in lifesaving right now." Being as nice as she is.

"Huh? The patients will die first before they even get to be useful." I said sarcastically. But thinking I'm not in the position to say things like this I quickly act contrite. "My bad, this outsider said things that shouldn't be said." I don't want to butt in, but Shiraishi's involved, I really hate seeing her like this, it's obvious that she's putting all the responsibility on her shoulders, doing everything she can while the fellows surrounding her are all acting stupid, having this 'I don't care' 'I don't know', 'I don't want to be here' expressions on their faces.

"Can't you come back to us then." She said in a lenient manner.

Hearing what she said just now is enough to make me stop. Stunned and astounded. My thumb, having its own life keep on moving restlessly on the trolley's side rails. Thinking hard. It's true that I have no intentions on coming back to Lifesaving, but after seeing how the situations affecting Shiraishi, I realized that there's a part of me that wants to share her burden and be there with her. Unlike when Tachibana Sensei asked me to come back in Lifesaving earlier, I feel different now. My full determination not to go back was sweep away by Shiraishi's request. It's been quickly replaced by hesitations. I knew this would happen if she's the one who will ask me to come back, I will hesitate bigtime just like how I am hesitating right now.

"Sorry. I too said things that I shouldn't say. I know that Neurosurgery was depending on you too as well. It was just a joke. So just forget it okay?" She said afterwards not giving me a chance to respond.

I seriously don't want to see another disappointment on her face and I don't want to make her feel rejected because she's special, but as much as I want to be with her again and accept her request, I wanted to go to Toronto for my career, 'coz it's really a good opportunity for me to be a step closer on my dream.

She starts pushing the trolley forward. I grip hard on the side rails and stop the trolley from moving. I close my eyes and gather all my strength and resolve before I totally changed my mind. With a heavy heart, I turn towards her and look at her straight in the eyes.

"It's because there's talk of residency at Toronto University." I pause for a while. "I'm sorry."

She doesn't look pleased with what she heard but in split seconds her reaction changes, she stares at me and give me a crooked apologetic smile. "Hmm. I understand. It's okay."

I glanced at her anxiously, I want to take back what I said immediately after seeing her reaction but I know it's too late. My chest tightens, it's not easy for me to choose but I need to choose one, one which is more important.

I secretly glance at the person who came in after me. Trying to hide the overwhelming feeling inside my chest.

"Why did you return to Lifesaving? Didn't you said you want to go to Toronto University?" she asks immediately, her voice is low, and her eyes on me, focused, waiting for my response.

I sigh heavily. "I will go. I will definitely beat Shinkai." She's literally concentrating on everything I'm saying and absorbing every word of it. I told her that there is a decrease of patients in Neurosurgery during summer and I don't want to compete with Shinkai over a limited number of patients over there. Well, half of my excuse was the truth because it's indeed appealing to me that I can handle many cases in Lifesaving as there's a lot of trauma cases with brain, nervous system and spinal cord injuries. But aside from the fact Lifesaving is filled with good things like that, deep inside I know, Shiraishi's the main reason why I came back.

I find Neurosurgery interesting because it stimulates my mind a lot but at the same time, the things I learned in Lifesaving was still committed on my memories plus the fact that Shiraishi is here.

So after hearing what she said that day on the helipad launch, when I asked her about her opinion -

"I think whichever is fine, whether its Neurosurgery Department or at lifesaving as long as Aizawa-Sensei can hold a scalpel. Because no matter where you find yourself, I know leaving a patient behind would not be an option for you."

- it became clearer to me what I wanted, what I needed to do and where I wanted to be at that moment. I would still be a doctor who can help others and treat patients wherever I am. It wouldn't matter whether it's Neurosurgery or Lifesaving. The thing that matters most to me from that moment up to now was indeed to be with her. I want to be there to witness how can she create a Lifesaving that will exceed Kuroda-Sensei's. That's why I decided to throw away my uncertainties and hesitations and choose to come back. Though I'm not sure how long I'm going to stay, but possibly until she can be able not to burden herself and not to solve everything on her own.

- So here am I now. Beside her.

"Hmm. Its seems like you, Aizawa Sensei."

I glance up, close my eyes for a quick moment and breath hard while my thumb restlessly rubs my forefinger. After thinking so hard, I decided to tell her something;

"Besides, There's you in Lifesaving." a not so obvious smile lit on my lips. I throw a glimpse on her face trying to assess her expression.

"Huh?" Usual reaction of course, unable to articulate anything. She just gave me a blank clueless, 'I don't get what you mean' look. As expected. I'm a bit frustrated but she's Shiraishi. I shouldn't get my hopes up. But what's important is that I'm beside her now and I indirectly told her what I feel.

The elevator arrives on the first floor and I step out as soon as the door opens.

Hiding all my nervousness on my emotionless façade, I tried to calm myself as much as possible and before the elevator shut its doors, I tilt my head towards her direction, hint a not so obvious smile and continue, "You're interesting." I walked away. The words and the emotions I wanted to convey to her for so long was slowly making it's way to be expressed.

I made a reshuffle. I was thinking I want to write his thoughts starting from ep 1. So I apologize if the order confuses you guys, `Gomen.

I clearly can't get enough of them. I literally want more. TT_TT