I paced in front of the TV, Waverly's eyes following me at every turn. We had been like this for five minutes. I've been trying to tell her for the past five minutes, but every time I start to talk, the words get stuck half way there, and I change direction.

"Now you're really scaring me babe. Did I do something wrong?" Waverly speaks softly, her voice breaking the silence in my living room, and making me stop pacing long enough to look in to her puppy dog eyes.

"Of course not Waves. You are perfect. You didn't do anything wrong." I grab her hands and kneel in front of her. "It's something about me that I have to tell you, and I just don't know how to say it is all." I stare in to her eyes, seeing panic start to appear.

"She refused to sign the papers again didn't she?" Waverly breathes slowly, her chest rising slowly. I can see a few tears start to form in her eyes.

"The opposite actually," I laugh, wiping under her eyes to get rid of the stay tear that fell before it can make its way any further down her cheek. "She signed. I got the papers yesterday and sent them to my lawyer. It shouldn't me much longer till it's all done." I move to sit beside her on the sofa and take her hands back in to mine. "It's something else I have to tell you."

I take in a deep breath after seeing Waverly nod, realising that for the moment at least, the world seems to be going our way. "Have you ever noticed that I don't really talk about when I was kid, or my parents or family?"

"Yeah, I noticed, but that's not a big thing. I know you don't talk to your parents, and that's your deal." Waverly strokes her thumb along my hand, the love flowing from her eyes. God she is making this much, much harder than I ever thought it would be.

"Ok, I just have to say it. Saying it quick will get it over with faster, just like a Band-Aid, right?" I push off the sofa, resuming my pacing, hoping that the movement will help the words come to me this time.

"I know everything about Bulshar." I blurt out after a few more minutes of silent pacing, quickly coming to a stop as the words are out of my mouth. I take a deep breath and turn towards Waverly to gauge her reaction. She is still sitting on the couch, but she seems stuck in one place, her eyes fixed on me. "I know everything about the Cult of Bulshar." I whisper, moving back over to take a seat next to her, grabbing one of the overflow decorative throw pillows from Wynonna's excessive nesting phase that made its way in to my house courtesy of Waverly.

"Ok. So how do you know everything about the cult? We just learned of its existence three days ago, but you're an expert in it. How is that possible? Do you have like some sort of super power that I don't know about?" Waverly's eyes never leave my own, but they never demand an answer. Her eyes are instead full of kindness of patience, allowing me to say what I have to say in my own time.

"I'm a lesbian not a unicorn, remember." I smile at her, remembering her words from all those months ago. "My parents were in the cult, or still are. I don't know if my mother is, and I don't know if they are alive. My grandparents were in it too, as well as my great grandparents. It's something that you are born in to, and I most definitely was. I haven't heard of someone joining them from the outside, and with everything I know, I don't know why anyone would ever want to. " My eyes feel very dry. I don't have any more tears for the cult. I've cried too much over the past twenty-two years for there to be any left, and the nightmares that came the night before left me too empty to cry.

"So, you were born in to a cult. That's not so bad. We can deal with that baby." Waverly smiles softly at me, letting me continue at my own pace, agonisingly slow.

"Yeah, I was but that's not all. My father is the leader." I inhale in a deep breath, waiting for a reaction, but none comes. "So was my grandfather and great grandfather. It's passed on through the oldest kid, kind of like royalty I suppose. And that's what it was like, in its own twisted way."

"But now you're here. You're out here with me." Waverly starts, her hands going to play with my hair. This type of playing with my hair calms me down, unlike the other times.

"I'll get to that bit soon. I promise." I weakly smile at her, getting one back in response. "So my father was the leader, but I never knew who my mother was. In the cult, the women never get married. It's like one big melting pot in there, they are there to be used by the men whenever they want, and the leader in particular 'uses' pretty much all of the women." I feel sick to my stomach talking about this aspect of the cult, about my own 'father' in that way, but this is not even close to the worst of what I have to tell Waverly. This part of it seems like a walk in the park compared to everything else that goes on.

"I have a twin sister. I never told you that. I never told anyone that." I exhale slowly, a weight lifted off my shoulders. "And I have at least fifty brothers and sisters. I eventually lost count, but everyone in there is related in some way or another." I can't look at her. Waverly's eyes are so full of acceptance. "I left them all behind to those monsters. Even my damn twin sister who was practically the princess of the compound." There is no use in trying to avoid them; the tears start to fall freely now thinking of all of them that I left behind. Every single sibling of mine. "They all loved her, loved her more than me. She just smiled at them all, and said all the right things. I always knew that something was off in there, that it wasn't real life."

"My sister and I were the oldest. Our father had just 'come of age' and had chosen our mother for the 'Winter Solstice Presentation' as they call it." Waverly's hands move from playing with my hair to pull me in to her arms, her warmth surrounding me. She doesn't say a word; she just lets me talk at my own pace, I already know what her question would be before she asks it. "They have one at every solstice. Basically, they line up all of the girls who haven't been chosen by anyone before because they hadn't been 'ready', and they present them to the men at the solstice. The leader choses first, and then the other men do according to their ranking, until there are none left." My shoulders sag. I've had all of this drilled in to me since the day I was born, but I have tried not to think about it at all since the day I left.

"They say that our mother was the prettiest of all, and that father had his eye on her for years. My grandfather had already chosen for himself, and my father chose her." I close my eyes and try to picture her. Father had brown hair, which means that she had red hair. All I can picture though is a blank face with red hair, an uncommon occurrence within the cult. Not many in there had red hair surprisingly, maybe five or six of us out of every age range.

"Someone I asked once told me that she was young, but they didn't say how young. That means she was younger than most, but that's all I have ever been able to find out about her, and I didn't dare ask around anymore. I wasn't allowed to ask around anymore than I did. The kids in there never really know who their mothers are, just their fathers based on their number names."

"You don't have to tell me Nic. Not if you don't want to." Waverly announces after a few minutes of silence pass between us. I pay with a loose thread on the throw pillow.

"I want to. I don't want there to be any more secrets between us Waves." I turn to face her and peck her quickly on the cheek. "I have to tell you. I have to tell you it all."

"Ok, I'm here. It's just me and you. And the cat." Waverly adds, and I settle in front of her again. Waverly's arms snake around me once more, giving me the strength to continue.

"I never did find out who she was. I wish I knew. It was all I wanted in there. I was alone, and just wanted my mother to give me a hug and tell me it was okay, but that wasn't normal. I thought I was broken for wanting to know who she was and for wanting her to be there for me." The thread I was picking at on the pillow came loose, unravelling part of the design with it.

"My sister never wanted to know, and always told me to stop asking about her, that she didn't want to know."

"I think makes you one hundred per cent normal babe. I want to know where I come from; it's only natural that you do too." Waverly smiled, stroking my arm.

"That's why I wanted to help you so much, and why I didn't want you to see the result. I wanted you to have what I never had, but I also know that knowing might be just as bad as not knowing. No matter how much I want to know, I don't want to know at the same time." I scramble for my words, not sure how to articulate my feelings, but I know Waverly knows exactly how I feel. She is more like me than I ever care to admit. Our broken pieces match up, making them feel whole whenever we are together, like to jigsaw pieces that somehow fit together but are in the wrong box, are part of a different puzzle.

"I know, and now I know why you did it. And honestly, I know you were just looking out for me. You always look after me Nic. And I love you for it." Waverly kisses my forehead, making a small smile escape my lips.

"And I love that you are always here for me no matter what." I snuggle in to her some more, silence falling over the two of us once more.

"I don't know her name, my mother. I never found out. I didn't have one till I left. My sister though, she got one a few years before I got out. They called her Rebecca. So much nicer than the number name she had, and it kind of suited her. Did you know it means servant?" I look up to Waverly, she smiles and nods. Of course she knows that Rebecca means servant. Waverly knows practically everything, and she still surprises me with what she knows.

"What's a number name? I've never heard of that." I finally found something that she doesn't know.

"All of the kids are given a number based on the order of their birth and on their fathers ranking in the compound. She was 1-1, I was 1-2. When we reach a certain age, then we get given a name by the first male. " I look up in to her eyes, hers gazing back down in to my own. There are some tears there trying to fight their way out but she doesn't seem to be letting them. "The females in there are seen as nothing Waves, seen as being lower than the animals. Our parents don't even get to choose our names at birth. We just get randomly given one by the first guy who choses us. The boys get to choose their own name; because that's the sort of patriarchal bullshit land I grew up in"

"What happens to them, the women? You said that they get 'used' whenever the males want, then what?" Waverly blurted out, trying to get all her questions out in one breath.

"They see the women as breeding machines, and with not a lot of health care, things are bad. There are so many of the mothers and babies that die." I close my eyes, thinking of the future that was almost mine, at the present that my twin is currently living. I never want that kind of future for anyone. "When you start your period in there, it's a homing beacon. That means that you are able to take your place in society. Most of the girls really look forward to it, but that's because they don't know any better."

"Their place in society? At least now I can see why you're a raging feminist." Waverly sounds outraged, and I really cannot blame her. When I was old enough to understand what all the kids leaving meant, I was too.

"It means that you move out of the Children's Compound, watched constantly by the elders to see who would be next. It means that you step out of one prison and in to another." I take a deep breath, trying to steady the ever present tears on my cheeks. "It's the worst kind of terror in that compound. You work from the minute they deem you old enough, until the second they drag you out or they call you to the office. It might be in the middle of your work detail, it might be in the middle of the night, but everyone knows what it means if you get called to the office. It only happens on certain days, but it's never talked about. Everyone just knows that it happens at the solstice presentations, and that you are never seen again after that night. The stuff they do before then, before the 'main event' of the presentations…" I stop and shudder, the stuff of my nightmares coming to the front of my mind. The words are spilling out before I have a chance to stop them.

"I was one of the oldest, and because we were twins, I was always dragged along to it. It is the worst thing ever Waves, and I can't even begin to describe it, but let's just say I never left that room without throwing up a couple of times and my throat feeling like sandpaper."

"What were they doing in there Nic?" Waverly voiced quietly, and I'm afraid to answer her. What if it changes her opinion of me? I know that I have no choice but to say it.

"They were sacrificing them to Bulshar." I hang my head, shame filling me. I know that I have nothing to be ashamed of, I was too young to do anything, and I was an unwilling participant, but I still feel ashamed that I never tried hard enough to help those kids.

"Wait, what? What sacrifice are you talking about?" Waverly bolts up, her arms still around me and dragging me with her. We don't move very far, but it's enough for my eyes to snap wide open.

"What that widow, Beth, was saying she wanted to do to little Alice, feed her to Bulshar, they did that on the compound." I look up to her, shock on her face and her mouth hanging slightly open. "Every solstice, they would take a boy and a girl from the Children's Compound, and they would sacrifice them to stay in Bulshar's good grace."

"Jesus Nic." Waverly whispers. If I wasn't right in front of her I doubt I would have heard her. "How long were you in that compound?" Waverly leans backwards slightly, now able to look at my face without me looking at her.

"Sixteen years." I speak slowly. "I was in there until the day I left. Rebecca left years before that, but then she was always the favourite out of the two of us. She was the one who always did everything first. She was the favourite, so she always got the good work details growing up, and then she was the first from our age group to leave. Being the favourite gave her certain perks growing up that I never did. She got days off, she could get away with a lot more shit than I did. If I stepped one toe out of line, I was in big trouble. I was nothing more than her understudy, waiting to see if she died to take her place. That's how they all saw me. So I knew that I had to get out of there."

"So, seeing as your parents didn't name you, how did you get your name?" Waverly finally speaks up, her chin resting on my head. That feels strange; it's usually the opposite way round. I don't think she has ever rested her chin on my head like that, and it's really comforting. I can see why she sighs every time I do that to her.

"That's an easy story. Much easier than telling you all of this." I smile despite my tears. "I managed to get out of there near Christmas, and when I was escaping, I heard Christmas songs on the radio and one of them was talking about St. Nicholas, so I loved the name because it reminds me of the day I got free from there. And it also means Victory of the People. I learned that one not long after, so it kind of fits. The Haught part comes from someone catcalling on the street, they shouted that I was hot, so not really realising what I was saying to the officer who found me, I told him my name was Nicole Hot, but he misspelled it and now I'm stuck as Haught." I laugh out loud at that, as does Waverly, even though she is trying her hardest not to. She doesn't make a sound, but I can feel her chest vibrating with laughter.

"So then, my Nicole Haught, How did you manage to get out?" Waverly broke the silence. We were just sitting there waiting on our laughter to abate, Waverly's arms still securely around me, holding me together.

"You know I like rock climbing, don't you?" I pause long enough to see her nod. "Well, I packed away a few supplies, food and what not, and then I knew that we were in a valley, and valleys have hills. Hills sometimes have cliffs. So what I did is I scaled a cliff without any equipement and found a road. Bear in mind that this is the middle of December, theres snow everywhere, and I did not have the right euipement at all." I look at Waverly's face to see shock.

"You scaled a cliff, in the middle of winter, without any gear? You really are crazy!" Waverly hits my arm and laughs, and I must admit that I agree with her. Escaping was the craziest thing I have ever done by a long shot.

"So yeah, I climbed a rock face, and walked for a while and managed to hitch a ride to the nearest city, and walked around there for a while, before I found a police office and went in." I went to set up, pulling Waverly's arms away from around me, "And everything after that, I got put in a group home. After I told them about the cult, they wanted to turn it in to a media circus, but I wouldn't let them, so I got put in a group home got put in to school for the first time, and after that, I guess you already know everything."

"Yeah, you ended up here with me." Waverly runs her hand through my hair again and plants a kiss on my lips, her touch lingering after she moves away from me. "So, that's all stuff we can deal with, right? We can totally deal with this."

"Maybe not you. I have to go back Waves." I push myself off the couch again, tossing the pillow back on the sofa. "I'm going undercover."

"Are you sure you want to?" Waverly sits on the edge of the sofa now, her hands twisting themselves in knots.

"I don't want to, but I have to. It's our only chance at getting someone on the inside, to try and find out what Bulshar's end game is. For me to finally end the cult once and for all and get payback for all of us that were in it."