The Alternative Title is: OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!?

Hello! This is simply a one-shot... and a very crack-y one-shot at that!Had jokingly discussing this, and after awhile I ended up writing this when I was bored one night...

As said: This is crack; as in it is not meant to be taken seriously in any way/shape/form. The basic premise here: something like this would be enjoyable for just about any guy, especially perverted ones... but it's happening to Kamijou Touma... so there must be a way for it to cause him to suffer because of it, right?

I hope you all enjoy... and remember: This is entirely made to make you laugh; don't take it too seriously.

Touma himself was having a rather odd day. Not necessarily a good one, as that was impossible, but certainly odd.

"…Is there some kind of new fad going around revolving around girls wearing tight clothes or something? That can't be comfortable, especially in the middle of winter like this." Touma commented. He had just gotten out of class; he was still attending a different school due to his own being smashed by the High Priest. He couldn't help but feel something terrible was going to happen right around the corner, but for now he was relieved that Kamisato Kakeru wasn't trying to kill him anymore.

The oddity was actually with the girls in his class; every single one was wearing a shirt that seemed two sizes too small for their chests. Touma didn't seem to notice at first, but the fact became more obvious as class went on, so much so that the unlucky Kamijou found it hard to believe that he hadn't perceived it in the first place.

And one of the more prominent examples was none other than Fukiyose Seiri. Her uniform's top was actually beginning to show a little midriff, and Touma was curious how she even made it into class without it being noticed and sent home by some teacher for it.

Being the kind of guy he is, Touma offered his jacket to help her cover up. It was winter after all; even a little bit of exposed skin could lead to trouble. Unfortunately, Fukiyose didn't take kindly to her wardrobe malfunction being pointed out and Touma was promptly punched and thrown against a wall.

Cracks were left in the plaster after the impact, and Touma felt like he had shattered a rib. And to make matters worse, Fukiyose did end up taking his jacket anyway. As Touma would say, "Such Misfortune."

So, without his jacket he himself was exposed to the cold winter, as Fukiyose didn't return it. It was a warmer day than most, but it was still below freezing. Despite his budget being more strapped than ever, to avoid coming down with some kind of illness, he decided to take a bus and ride it until he could find a shop to buy a new jacket.

For some reason, the women had the same odd situation as his female classmates; their shirts being much too small. But just like before, he didn't notice at first; it was only after spending some time riding around had he begun to observe the situation at hand. This time however, he decided to keep his mouth shut.

"…I'm just glad Misaka isn't around… I'm sure this new fad would somehow cause me to get shocked for it, even if she wasn't participating." Touma sighed. He said that, but he admitted that he hadn't seen the legendary Biri-Biri in some time. It was peculiar; she stopped showing up at her usual spots shortly after the High Priest situation.

"…That was probably her first real encounter with a real fight with a Magic God, wasn't it? She never really fought Othinus… must have been scary." Touma mused. He had dealt with Othinus through the Infinite Hells and even over 10,000 deaths, so he was used to dealing with them more than he'd like to admit, but Misaka was a different story. Touma resolved that if the weather was nice enough and if he still hadn't seen the brown-haired Railgun before the weekend that he'd see if she is free. He might be able to help take her mind off of everything she had gone through with the High Priest.

It was Wednesday, and it's not like a sudden unbearable heatwave combined with an invasion of giant white monsters would occur to stop his plan by then, right? Kamijou was unlucky, but an event that bad was impossible… right?

Speaking of the now 15cm Magic God, Touma had managed to convince Othinus to stay back in his apartment. It was a good thing he had to swing by a store anyway; the demands Othinus made for her cooperation were high and he needed to collect some essential materials.

He walked into a convenience store, the cashier greeting him happily. The cashier was a girl with short black hair and green eyes, and wearing a simple button-up blouse with the logo of the store on it, and a nametag just below that. She was maybe two or three years older than Touma himself; it must be her first or maybe second job by the looks of things. Touma smiled and greeted her back; she was being nice after all.

Plus, at least from what he could tell she wasn't absorbed by this mysterious tight shirt fad; finally, some modesty.

He got his things together and a new jacket and went to the counter to pay, but that is when disaster struck.

"M-Maxed out!?" Touma shouted.

"I'm sorry sir… but it appears you must have used up your funds on your cash card… your remaining balance only has about 25% of the total bill left on it…" The cashier said with apparent empathy.

"How… when did I- damn it, the hotpot!" Touma shouted with dismay. He must have used the rest of his cash for the week when he bought food for the hotpot he was intending to have the night he first met Kamisato. The food that ended up being destroyed as the Birdway sisters began to fight each other no less.

"Such… misfortune…" Touma sighed.

"I-I'm sorry… you have enough for your smaller items though; it's really just the jacket… want me to put it back for you?" The cashier offered. She spoke with understanding; with the job as a simple convenience store clerk probably left her in a similar cash-strapped situation as him.

Part of Touma wanted to believe that this girl understood his pain. That small belief comforted Touma just a little bit.

"N-no its fine… I have some cash to cover it… pay day for this level 0 can't come fast enough though… looks like I'll be eating light until then…" Touma began to dig around his wallet for some bills when he noticed something.

Did the cashier's chest become a little bit more… predominant since he first got here?

Touma shook his head; thinking that such a thing was crazy. He began to dig around and found some bills, but to front the total he needed some spare change. He went to hand over his money when disaster struck yet again.

The top-most button on the cashier's blouse suddenly popped off. While this would normally be a dream scene for most males, it was not such for the unlucky Kamijou.

As the button flew of the girl's shirt alright, but it soared straight into Touma's right eye.

"Gaaaah!" Touma shouted as he jerked backwards and slammed his head into a display, causing him to fall over with it. The bills fell to the counter successfully but the change scatted and hit the ground, almost as if to add insult to Touma's injury.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry!" The girl went around the counter to see what she could do to help the fallen Kamijou. "Oh… please, tell me you're ok…!"

"I'll… I'll be ok… just a little-" Touma was cut off because as he sat up and gazed at the girl again, the second button popped off from the girl's shirt and struck Touma's left eye, causing the unlucky Kamijou to cry out in pain once again.

"I-I don't know what's going on… t-this fit just fine this morning!" The girl cried out as she tried to hold her partially open blouse closed. There was only one single reply Touma could muster.

"Such… misfortune…"

-15 Minutes Later-

After all the commotion, the cashier's manager came out to see what had happened, only to see the girl's revealing shirt and the downed Touma. The man was angry, and attempted to fire the girl on the spot, but Touma stood up to defend her as it was all an accident.

Sure, the buttons popping off of the cashier's shirt was unusual, but them flying into Touma's eyes was nothing more than coincidence… well, it was actually bad luck, but that doesn't exactly work in an argument with an angry business manager.

After a short time, the manager called the cashier into his office. Shortly after, the girl came out, wearing a much more fitting shirt. She was blushing red, obviously embarrassed due to the situation, and resumed her work promptly.

She was more than a little thankful though; the only punishment she was going to receive was paying for the new shirt she was. When Touma tried to pay, the cashier put her own money into the register as thanks. The unlucky Kamijou tried to convince her otherwise but she insisted, saying it was the least she could do for standing up for her. Touma paused and smiled for a moment, before thanking the girl and leaving in his new jacket and a sack of smaller items in a bag.

"Whew… muuuuch better…" Touma sighed happily. He put his free hand in his coat's pocket and felt something inside. He pulled it out only to find a slip of paper.

There was a name and what resembled a number on it. The name was clear; it belonged to that cashier. He turned back to the convince door and caught the cashier looking out the window back at him. She blushed red, but smiled and waved. Touma waved back and after a moment he was on his way.

"Man… paying for my stuff was nice enough… she didn't have to go this far…" Touma looked at the little slip of paper. "She can do a lot better than this level 0…" Touma mused out loud. He would constantly think it was impossible for a girl to like him, so he usually pushed out even the most remote thought of it to avoid the issue entirely.

…But the girl did give him her number intentionally… right? Touma thought back to the situation with a little blush of his own, before suddenly shaking his head.

"Ok… that's settles it. This is something much more than a few tight shirts. What the hell is going on…?" Touma's mind thought of the worst, a Magician, as he walked back to his house.

Still, despite the change in mood, he pocketed the girl's number. Even if the chance was slim, a little bit of hope never hurt anyone. It's not like the leader of Academy City would somehow attack him and cause the coat to be destroyed behind the scenes, and cause the number of the cute cashier girl to be lost forever… right?

-Touma's Apartment-

"Welcome home, Human." Othinus greeted when Touma walked in. She was sitting in front of "You bought the spices, right?"

"Yeah, yeah… one piping hot spice bath coming up." Touma set the bag down.

"And mineral water? Not that generic cheap stuff?" Othinus questioned again.

"I bought enough for you to swim through, that good enough for you?" Touma shot back.

"Perfect. I didn't think that simple cooking additives could create such a relaxing experience at first, but…" Othinus mused happily. "Come for me when it's ready, and remember; no peeking. All attempts at seeing the perfect form that is my body nude must be approved beforehand."

"Perfect? So you're suddenly back up to full-size now are you?" Touma mocked.

"You mean that as an insult… but in turn doesn't that simply mean that if I were to return to normal you'd find me attractive? I'm more inclined to take that as a compliment, Human." Othinus smirked.

"…Fine, you win Othinus-sama. Please spare this unlucky Kamijou's soul." Touma sighed. He was beginning his work in the kitchen. After a few moments he set some water on his stovetop to heat it up, but after a moment felt a sudden weight on his right shoulder.

"Want to tell me what is troubling you, or should I just pull at your earlobe until you tell me?" The tiny Magic God was suddenly on his shoulder, obviously having climbed up Touma's body from the floor.

"…Could tell huh?" Touma asked. "Let's see… how to I say this without sounding like a massive pervert…"

"You underestimate my understanding of you… such a thing is impossible; I shall see you as such either way." Othinus replied.

"…Not sure if you're being serious…" Touma sighed.

"Out with it." Othinus placed her hand on the unlucky Kamijou's ear, as if preparing to pull.

"Fine, fine… I think some Magician may be following me around and messing with me." Touma replied. "Kind of thought it was some kind of weird fad at first… but overtime… well…"

"…?" Othinus raised her eyebrow.

"…I think a magician is causing girl's chests to grow when I'm around to mess with me in some way…" Touma sighed. He didn't want to say it out loud because of how he felt it would sound… and it sounded as bad as he thought it did.

However, the tiny Magic God simply removed her hand from Touma's ear.

"Is that all? Such a minor thing… spells and incantations to alter men and women's bodies in a sexually positive way have existed since the dawn of magic. What you treat as touchy is quite normal… though they normally keep it behind closed doors; it is unusual to use them in broad daylight… did you try your Imagine Breaker?"

"Yes, because I'm just going to reach out and grab a girl's chest." Touma replied sarcastically. "You say it as a joke, but I got punched and thrown into a wall because of it. And blinded by machinegun buttons and sent into a store display. There's nothing "normal" about any of this."

"…Well would you have not been punched, thrown, and forced to collide and destroy merchandise had this mysterious "Bust-Upper" event not occurred?"

"…Still, it's the principle of the thing." Touma replied. "If I'm going to be misfortunate, I at least want it to make sense, not to have people's body parts suddenly double in size and cause chaos… still; it doesn't seem to be affecting you any…"

"Fool; the only thing that can truly alter a Magic God's body is the power of a Magic God." Othinus replied.

"Even when you're so tiny and cute?" Touma mocked.

"It doesn't matter if I'm fifteen centimeters tall, one-hundred and sixty-five centimeters tall, or one-hundred meters tall; the body of a Magic God is absolute. We don't even have to worry about aging skin or gaining weight, you know." Othinus replied.

"Lucky… I'm sure people all around the world would kill for a situation like that."

"Some have." Othinus answered simply. "I can see the steam from the water… shut-off the flame and set me down so I can get undressed properly… no peeking."

"Sure… hey, any idea where Index is? Kind-of odd she wasn't home." Touma picked up the tiny blonde and set her down gently.

"She went to go pick up some special anime release… she even got out her own special wallet to buy it." Othinus replied.

"Figures… I'm nearly broke and she blows money on limited edition stuff… such misfortune…" Touma sighed.

"I'm hoooome!" Index suddenly threw the door open and walked inside, appearing quite ecstatic. She was clutching a colorful box to her chest as if she was guarding it with her life; it was obviously the limited edition anime box set.

"Welcome home." Touma replied, hiding his inner animosity.

"Did you just get home…? Did something happen?" Index asked.

"Kind of… not sure if you'd believe me, but it seems to be over and done with now." Touma sighed. "I'll tell you later, after Othinus has her spice bath I'll cook dinner."

"Ok! I'm going to watch some TV!" Index practically skipped over to Touma's table to prepare the room for her viewing pleasure when Othinus spoke up, who was now resting on the edge of the cooking pot.

"…Hrm, how curious." Othinus commented.

"What's up?" Touma turned to face her, as the pot was hiding most of the Magic God's body.

"Look at Index." Othinus asked.

"Ok…?" Touma glanced over at the silver-haired nun.

"Now look away." Othinus ordered.

"…Ok…." Touma turned away.

"Now look back…"

"…?" Touma did what he was told.

"Now away…"

"Do you have a point to this or not?" Touma sighed.

"…Just an experiment." Othinus commented. "Turns out your little busty adventure isn't over yet."

"W-what…?" Touma turned to face the Magic God.

"Index's chest begins rising whenever you look at her." Othinus commented. Touma's head snapped his head back to look at the nun, only to see that the Magic God was right. Slowly but noticeably, Index's chest was pushing out, causing the girl's outfit to slowly lift up as she went around the living space trying to get everything set-up so it was perfect for her viewing experience. Index's clothes were long and baggy so it was hardly an issue, but the effect was very noticeable.

"…How in the…!?" Touma trailed off in shock.

"It's only while you're looking at her, so it's definitely you." Othinus mused. "Maybe someone put a spell on your eyes…?"

"Could be…" Touma gulped. If such a thing was the case, there was only one way to end it.

Imagine Breaker. Perhaps in his sudden panic he didn't think, but he jabbed two fingers into his eyes… painfully. However, the unlucky Kamijou held his breath to deal with the pain to avoid being noticed, and after a moment, pulled his hand back down.

"That… hurt…" Touma stated.

"Could have just touched them… didn't need to stab your eyes." Othinus pointed out.

"I realize that now… but did it work…?"

"Nope; wasn't your eyes." Othinus commented.

"Damn it!" Touma cursed.

Index continued to hum a peaceful as the mysterious event occurred with her body. Her chest had a noticeable bounce now, and it was only getting bouncier. She must have been wearing stretchy undergarments to not have noticed yet.

"…What a show this would be for the church. Perverted Kamijou caused Index's boobs to blow up like balloons. Heh." Othinus mocked.

"Don't joke about that, because I'm sure I'd be killed…!" Touma looked away.

"Nah… maimed… but not killed… you are an asset after all…"

"You say that like that's better!"

"Hey, what are you two shouting about?" Index shouted into the kitchen from the main room, hands on her hips. Touma looked at her, but upon remembering what was going on, promptly covered his eyes.

"Index… umm… how to explain this…" Touma gulped. "J-just… look down…"

"Look down…? You're being weird…" Index began to pout.

"What he's trying to say is that the Grimoire Library must have added a volume or two… or at this point, it's probably more like four." Othinus stated. Index looked down and her eyes widened.

"W-what…?" She said softly as he checked herself just to make sure it was real. "W-whoa… I got… big…!"

"Puberty hit you like a ton of bricks, all at once, and all in the chest." Othinus mocked from her spice bath.

"S-shut up… ugh… this isn't normal…! What happened?" Index was more confused than anything.

"…Last option. If this doesn't work, then I'm out of ideas…" Touma stopped hiding his eyes and began to make his way over to Index.

"…H-hey, what's with that unsettling look of determination on your face!?" Index began to back up slowly in fear.

"As if something like this could happen normally… I'm going to shatter this fucked up illusion!" Touma suddenly reached forward when he got close with his right hand, closing his eyes as he did so.

When he felt softness, and knew he hit his mark. Touma glanced back up at Index, only to see his hand on Index's much more predominant chest, while she herself was flushed beet.

"T-T-Touma…!" Index whined lightly.

"…" Touma stared silently at her to see what had happened.

And nothing did. No change at all…

…but that was the point; Index's chest stopped growing. It didn't revert to normal but the sudden growth had certainly ceased.

"…H-hey! It worked! She stopped!" Touma cheered.

"Good job… now prepare for the aftermath." Othinus warned.

"What aftermath? I don't know why this was happening whenever I looked at girls, but at least for now it appears to be over." Touma let out a relieved sigh.

"…So what you're saying is… that this is your fault?" Index asked in a dark tone.

Touma's world shattered instantly.

"H-hey now… let's talk about this…" Touma backed away slowly from Index.

"Not only did you do this to me, but you've been doing this to other girl's all over town…" Index began to step closer to Touma.

"L-listen… this isn't my fault… I-I think there might have been a magician-"

"And after that, you have the nerve to touch my chest…!?" Index's pace did not slow.

"I-I was just trying to stop-"

"Touma." Index suddenly looked up with a smile, appearing quite cheery.

"…I-Index…?"

"Have you asked our holy father for forgiveness for your sins? I will absolve them for you now before you ascend to heaven."

"Oh no-"

Chomp.

It became immediately clear that a substantial increase in bust size had not affected Index's ability to suddenly shoot off towards Touma and bite down on his head in the slightest.

"GAH! I-It wasn't my fault, I swear!" Touma shouted as he tried to pry Index off his head.

She only bit down harder, and opened up her mouth to allow Touma's prying fingers access so she could bite those too.

"W-WHY!? What the hell is this day! Such misfortune!" Touma shouted as the pain from Index's assault became so intense he lost consciousness.

But he had one final wish before he passed out; he wanted everything back to normal.

For you see, while this situation happening to anyone would be purely subjective, as it would be good for some and bad for others, most male, particularly along the lines of perverts, would find such an event as good fortune.

Touma wouldn't admit it openly, but he thought so as well, and this is why his day had been worse than usual for him.

Whenever he had good fortune, it would always be accompanied by equal or worse misfortune, so what would be a good event to most boys of his age was an undeniable hell for the unlucky Kamijou.

In fact, he had briefly thought he had somehow returned to the Infinite Hells Othinus had put him through.

He didn't know if some kind of magician was tormenting him, if he had somehow manifested some kind of strange esper power that bypassed his Imagine Breaker, or of whatever deity that ruled over the world simply decided to screw with him, he wanted this mysterious power gone.

He came to sometime later, feeling groggy, and went to bed. Index and Othinus had already gone so he didn't pay much attention to them as he passed out in his usual bathtub.

When he came woke up, he was more than happy to see that Index was back to normal. He found it best to not bring it up again and went to make breakfast.

Shortly after he put on his coat and checked his pocket; the paper with the girl's number was still there, so seemingly not everything that had transpired had reverted back. He touched it with his right hand just to make sure it wasn't an illusion.

It was good luck, he thought. And with that he set-out to begin his day.

But remember; whenever Touma has good fortune it must be accompanied by equal or greater misfortune.

This fact didn't even cross Touma's mind as he stepped outside into the winter weather, noticing that it was strangely hotter than it was supposed to be.

And here we are at the bottom. So; watcha think of this crack-y one-shot of pure crackness? Hopefully this hasn't lowered your opinion of me too much... (Oh who am I kidding, I just hit rock bottom in terms of respect, didn't I!?)

This is the kind of stuff I normally filter out when I'm writing seriously... but sometimes when you have an incredibly silly idea... the only course of action is to write it... if for anything else to at least get it out of your head. I have absolutely NO intention of making this into a story so... did you have a little fun? I certainly hope so...

And this marks my temporary return to stand-alone Index stories... for those who can remember; I wrote Forgotten a few years ago... While I've been dead for awhile I returned last year; been doing some crossover stories. If you folks want some more serious stuff, I highly recommend checking out the stories I have been working on recently!

I hope you all enjoyed (If that is possible in this case). Please, review at your leisure; I still enjoy feedback.

Have a good day, my friends!

Sincerely,
ArmoredCoreNineBall, your friendly (not)robotic (not)overlord (possibly)person who occasionally writes things.