Light in the Dark

Imprisonment hit me so hard- much harder than I thought. - Mathias Rust

Nighttime was the worst. It was quiet, the kind that people wanted when they wanted to get a good night's sleep. It was what was needed in order for the body to regenerate and get ready for the new day. For Spencer Reid, it was opposite.

The absence of light produced a fear that was amplified with sounds that could easily spook someone. For Reid, he could only hear the taunts and the sounds from the prison. The threats that his life would be forfeit became loud in the quiet that it felt like he was back in prison despite the fact that he had been found innocent and the team caught the ones that set him up and he beat Cat Adams at her game once again. He was out and yet...

Reid turned from the window as soon as he heard a slight sound that sounded like a moan. He stiffened slightly and his muscles tensed as the sleeping occupant of the bed shifted slightly. He waited until they were settled before walking over and gingerly sat on the side of the bed. The sleeping figure shifted slightly and a hand fell out from under the covers. Reid couldn't resist gently picking up the soft hand and holding it, and caressing it.

She came to see him. She saw him in that place. He didn't want her to but he didn't have the heart to refuse her visitation. That would have broken her and... the worst thing could have happened because of him. And he didn't know it of the time. He breathed softly as he continued to hold her hand, grateful that she was in his life and had been for nearly four years. And to top it off, married for at least two.

"I'm sorry, Gen," Reid whispered as he brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed the top of it gently. He couldn't resist rubbing his cheek slightly on the back of it.

He was sorry that she had to go through that. That she had to see him as an inmate. But she was adamant like the rest of the team that he was innocent. She didn't believe that he killed Rosita for a second despite the fact that he had been doused with the same drugs Scratch used to coerce his victims into killing. If anything, she was right behind Michael on that whole issue and he knew how his practically older brother almost raised hell and almost jeopardized his career with the IRT unit to help him. He was sorry that he caused such trouble.

"No... pity... party."

Reid tensed and looked down. She was sound asleep and yet she was responding like she was awake and aware of what was going on. He couldn't help but smile down at her sleeping face. Still holding onto her hand, he leaned over and gave her a gentle kiss on her temple. He took in a moment to breath in her scent, relieved that he could smell that warm and cinnamon-like scent that was hers again.

Taking a breath, he straightened up and continued to look at her. With his other hand, he brushed a stray lock out of her face and traced her jawline. He thought about all the close calls that had happened in his life, not just the ones that happened to him but to her. He still couldn't believe that she had been just missed by Lindsey Vaughn that day. Then there was the whole thing where she did a ride along with several law enforcement departments including the FBI for an exhibit she was attempting... There were a few other things but the point was that he had been incredibly lucky or something.

Reid wasn't one to rely on luck. He lived in a world of statistics, probability, all the certainties he knew of that had been proven by science. The other stuff, the more human stuff, was a source of jokes and new learning experiences. Some things he still didn't believe in but she told him that it was okay. Just as long as you had a chance to see for yourself if you like it or not was important because how could you know if you didn't try?

A creak caught Reid's attention and he straightened up, muscles tensing. He paused when it happened again. He only relaxed when Charlie came into the room with his soft growling meow followed by the squeak of Missy, the newest edition to their family. He pulled a face as Charlie jumped onto the bed and settled in his spot without a care in the world but was distracted when Missy started meowing when she couldn't make the jump.

Sighing and rolling his eyes, Reid reached down and picked up the kitten by the scruff of her neck. Immediately the kitten wrapped its paws around his wrist and hung on. Reid made a face at the kitten that was mostly white but had soft grey patches of fur on its back and head. Charlie merely stared with disinterest as if to say that was what he had to put up with all day. It caused Reid to smile and he moved to drop Missy onto the bed next to Charlie. "I don't even know why I agreed to you two," he muttered softly.

"Because you like them too, Speedy."

Reid glanced down to see the love of his life looking sleepily up at him. He smiled and asked, "How long have you been awake?"

"Since Missy cried for her daddy."

Reid made a slight face but also tensed at being referred to as 'daddy.' True it had been a joke when they got Missy since the thing clung to him like a barnacle when he was home and always came when he called. Mostly it was because he scolded her by calling her Missy and since then that was the only name she responded to. Now it was different because what started as a joke regarding a pet was going to be a reality and it had him think how close he had been to not being able to be here to see it through to the end.

"Spencer?"

Reid turned to see her looking at him with concern mingled with the tiredness in her eyes. He immediately cursed himself and apologized, "I'm sorry, Gen. I..."

"It's okay."

"No," he replied a little harsh even though his voice was soft. "It's not." He paused and took a breath before continuing, "It's not okay because I was being selfish. I didn't realize what you were going through and I was focused on my mom and then being accused of murder, and finding out how close you came to probably getting killed by Lindsey Vaughn... It's not okay." He let out the breath he had been holding and looked at her sadly.

It was quiet for a moment and Reid thought he really screwed up until she spoke in an equally low but firm tone, "Spencer, it is okay. It's okay because I was on board with bringing your mother here to take care of her. I was worried, yes, when you wanted to try alternative medicine but I supported it. And I didn't want to tell you until I was sure I wasn't going to miscarry. Not after the last two times. And it didn't seem right to tell you when you were in prison. Not right and not fair."

Reid sighed knowing that she was right. He just felt guilty because apart from him mother, she meant the world to him. And he knew how devastated she was when she miscarried the last two times. "But you were alone."

"I mentioned it to JJ. I needed someone to talk to and she noticed."

Reid couldn't help but smile as he leaned down and gently pressed his forehead to hers. The gesture was soothing. It evened out his breathing enough to admit the root of his problem, "I still think I'm there when I go to sleep. It's... the quiet."

Reid relaxed when he felt her hand reach up and play with his hair before massaging his scalp. "I thought I was going to die when Shaw told everyone I was FBI. I... stabbed myself to get put into solitary."

"You were trying to survive."

"I made the choice to poison the drugs. That's what got me marked."

"And you were stuck between a rock and a hard place. I don't know what any other man would have done and I don't know what I would have done in that position."

Reid sniffled slightly, aware that he had started crying. He hated doing that since it felt like he was showing how weak he really was. She never believed that though. She never criticized his need to express himself. She let him have his tears and then tried to make it better. He made a slight sound, trying not to bawl and almost panicked when she pulled her forehead away from his. Her hand caressed his cheek and forced him to focus on her.

"But you did what you thought was right at the time. I know you felt helpless when your mother went missing and I felt helpless to help you. This won't go away."

"I want it to," Reid replied as a tear rolled down his face.

"And I want the same. We all do but... it's a part of us. It will affect how we come across choices in the future. We can only hope to make the right one with the information we have at the time."

Reid was sniveling a bit but his gaze never wavered from hers. She looked up at him with that gentleness and calm she always exhibited but her eyes spoke volumes. He saw her worry, her fears, her anger, her happiness... Her eyes were the most expressive he had ever seen. They were watching him now, trying to be reassuring to him. He let out a small breath, "I know you made the right choice not telling me. As happy as I would have been... the way I was feeling then... I would have worried and been depressed that I might not be there for you when you needed me."

"I was thinking of that. And I wanted you to focus on surviving."

"I... I think I left a piece of myself there, Gen." Reid lowered his head, feeling ashamed.

"And I think the same when I was in Rwanda. But... to survive doesn't mean becoming someone you never thought you'd become. To me it means that you learn how the system works and use it without sacrificing what you believe in."

Reid tried to resist when her hand moved to let her fingers lift his chin. He gave up and let her lift his head as she added, "And you kept yourself, Spencer. That is important."

Reid wrapped his hand around hers, giving it a gentle squeeze. He brought it to his mouth and kissed it, holding it there while he looked her in the eye. He gave a slight nod of understanding and then said, "I am... relieved to be out. But I'm happy to be here with you and..." He gave a slight gesture with his head and smiled, "Our bundle of joy."

There was a gentle hum of laughter and Reid couldn't help but smile. He allowed himself to be guided to bed, an activity that had Charlie meow in annoyance and Missy to start squeaking. Reid couldn't help but chuckle as he settled down on his side of the bed with his wife and managed to scold Missy when she tried to get to her favorite warm spot that would have gotten her crushed. "Missy, go stay with Charlie," he scolded.

"Your fault for letting her cuddle with you."

Reid made a slight snort at that but he was still smiling as he settled in beside her. He waited until she shifted to cuddle against him. Another joke between them since she liked to cuddle him at night. He reached over and turned off the lamp on his side and let the darkness settle in. He relaxed knowing that it wasn't going to hurt him and stared out into the darkness as he shifted his head to rest his cheek on her head.

It would take time but he knew that his experiences in prison wouldn't go completely away. She was right about that. What he could do at the moment was to take each moment as it came and to focus on the fact that he was going to have what he once thought would never be. His hand slid down from where he had been hugging her to her abdomen. His fingers gently brushed against her cloth covered swell and he smiled again.

He was glad she didn't tell him until after he got out. He didn't blame her but he also felt love for her that she still considered him and his feelings even when her own were on the line. It made him determined to return that love to her. His fingers brushed her abdomen again and he thought about how he was going to be able to be there when it finally happened and throughout the whole process. It made him believe that things would be okay. Even with all the darkness, there was light.

Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness. - Desmond Tutu

A/N: Reid is trying to move past his time in prison and is reminded that he has a lot to look forward to. Enjoy.