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Taco Popper

I raised my index finger up in front of his face and paused for dramatic effect.

"Number one: No finger banging-"

Edward cracked up before I could continue.

"Seriously, Rockabelly, that's where you start the negotiations off? 'No finger banging?' How long have you been dreaming up this little bucket list about me and my hands? "

Let's get a few things straight. Edward M. Cullen wore boat shoes, even when he was on dry land. He liked La Coste Polo shirts so much, he wore two at the same time like an asshole. And his wealth-derived entitlement made him a first round draft pick for any villain in a John Hughes film. But all that still couldn't drown out that sweet gap-toothed smile he was currently sporting. It made me pause for just a second too long. His smile only widened.

So to answer the eternal question regarding Edward Cullen and his unfortunate sexual appeal?

Yes, I still would…but I'd spit in his face afterwards.

"Oh yeah, Edward. With you, that's exactly where I'd start off negotiations. I thought I should transition slowly into the 'no-accidentally-killing-any-hookers-and-dumping-them-in-the-desert" clause.'

His smile faded quickly: "Who narc'd about the dead stripper from the last Vegas trip?"

Edward said that too loudly – Alice's Auntie Mei shot us a disapproving glare. Apparently, talk of murder and mayhem was not appropriate subjects for an engagement party at Alice's uncle's Japanese restaurant. It was decorated with twinkling Christmas lights and Origami napkins on each table. Tempura, sushi, and sake were free-flowing. However, not even a well-placed cloth crane could lighten the tense mood of the occasion.

And this Dumb-Dumb next to me wasn't helping matters. Edward smiled at Mei with all the gentility of Ted Bundy before adding, "we did give the hooker a proper burial though, come sunrise."

I nodded at Auntie apologetically before dragging his ass out of the restaurant and promptly to my truck. He got comfy in the passenger seat while I tried to not punch him in the neck.

"What the hell, Edward! They are already freaked out that she's having a shotgun wedding with some white dude from the deep-deep South. Don't give them anything else to be suspicious about!"

Alice's family were first generation immigrants- they came from Japan by way of Mexico of all places Sure, her parents had lived in multi-cultural neighborhoods ever since settling in the city of Angels. But it still didn't erase the fact that not only was their little slip of a daughter not marrying the intended nice boy from their Japanese Baptist church - she got knocked up.

Her last semester of college.

By a long-haired surfer.

With a name that seemed ripped off from a confederate soldier grave.

Consequently, the engagement party was light on the celebration. But it was heavy on the solemn death march as they flung their once-virgin daughter into a volcano full of fertile "hillybillies,"

Alice's dad's words, not mine.

But was Jasper's best friend concerned in the least about the current state of pre-marital affairs? Oh no - he was too busy massaging the hell out of my dashboard.

"I can't believe it, Belly. Your car has gotten impossibly shittier since the last time I rode in it. How long has it been since I've seen you—like three or four months? It takes work and dedication to trash it up this badly in that small window of time."

"Hey, I don't have a rich father who can buy me a new car every year like you. But speaking of your daddy…"

I leaned closer in with a lowered voice:

"if he ever wants to trade in his aging trophy wife for a newer model, slip him my card. I may not be a beauty queen, but I'd give him more bang for his buck."

Nothing could erase that shit-eating grin of his faster than his daddy issues. I leaned back until my back hit the driver's side window to go in for the kill.

"I'm serious. Pound for pound, I'm a better deal for him." I bounced in my seat a little so he knew I wasn't talking about the units-of-weight-kinda-pounding.

Edward squinted his nose in distaste but his attention didn't stray from my bouncing. "Yeah, no. Number one: Stop thinking about my dad. It's disgusting. Number Two: Betty is no pageant winner. Closest she got was Miss Congeniality, I believe."

Carlisle slumming it with a pageant loser cracked my ass up.

"Miss Congeniality is code for the homely girl who let others borrow her hair curler, you know. My chances with Carlisle have just grown exponentially, cause I wouldn't be sharing your daddy with anyone."

He looked like he was about to dry-heave, so I gave him a playful poke on to the rib. Finding just the right balance between humbling and provoking him was very tricky.

"Good luck with not sharing. The last thing you want to be is a Mrs. Cullen. Life with my dad is not—"

"-all roses and blow jobs?"

"Stop! You are so fucked up, Belly."

A few other things to get straight. While Junior was hot, Senior gave him a run for his money. I only met him once when Edward needed to drop something off at his family home. But Carlisle ended up insisting we stay for supper. Carlisle was charming during the dinner chatter, but there was a little glint in his eye every time we settled on one another. And an hour later, when Edward followed up on my disappearance, he found me crammed on a love seat with Father in his den.

"We were discussing the classics," I explained for the second time on the ride home. "Shoot me for enjoying your father's hot and classy company."

"If you don't think my dad breaks out the first edition copies with the sole intention of attracting undergraduate pussy, you are very naïve, Bella."

Jasper and Alice joined me in laughing at Edward as he continued to rage against the paternal machine the entire ride.

"And don't act so innocent -I saw you two swording your ankles. Don't deny it."

" Jesus, buy some smelling salts, already. It was a love seat, it's not like we had much room, Edward."

"There was a whole sectional in the middle of the room!"

It was in that moment that I had finally located Edward's soft underbelly to poke for future power play purposes.

Like this moment for instance. He was sufficiently de-douched though, so I walked it back a little.

"Speaking of blow jobs, buddy. None of those along with the no finger banging guidelines. In fact, keep all digits out of any crevices at all times. No lap dances. No butt plugs. No VIP room. In fact, what the hell, let me just come out and say it: Alice is really hoping that you guys forgo the strip club altogether and go to a regular bar or club."

Edward's eyes rolled back. And back and back and back- and still the eye rolling wasn't done.

"Bella. Seriously. That's a stupid request. Why are you even running bachelor party interference so prematurely? I didn't even find out there was a wedding until all of a week ago. And you know the sole duty of a best man—I am supposed to throw together a bachelor party to remember."

I listened distractedly while his hair poked out on top of his head. If hair could have erections, Edward's would have a constant raging one. No matter how much he tried to tame it, that front tuft of hair was always sporting wood.

I tried to pat it down gently.

"Your hair looks stupid tonight."

He smiled. "Nice save. You know you couldn't stop yourself from touching it. But why isn't Emmett being yelled at? He's a groomsmen too."

"Because Emmett would lose the last nad Rosalie let him keep for future procreative purposes if he did any of the masterminding."

We shared a momentary ceasefire as we watched in real time as Emmett walked into the patio with Rose's purse in hand. And then we straight up cackled as he unfolded the origami napkin and placed it gently on Rosie's lap.

"See? Right there, Belly. That's why I was asked to be best man. If left to Emmett's devices we would be braiding each other's hair and pillow fighting all evening. Jasper knew he could rely on me to give him a proper send off, complete with cigars, liquor, and beautiful women in various stages of undress."

The cocky smile was returning.

"Not only do you have stupid hair, but you're an annoying home wrecker too."

Instead of coming back at me, he gave an even toothier smile.

"Why are you smiling at me while I insult you?"

He shook his head slowly while answering. "It's the only way you know how to deal with our sexual tension, Belly."

And just like that, I was nineteen and feeling awkward but defiant all over again in front of the beautiful boy who was born with everything.

When Alice and I were paired up as dorm mates our freshman year, it was a well-meaning gesture since we were both bilingual. But that segregation only drove home the fact that Alice and I did not fit in there. Most of the girls were friendly, but there was a homogeny there that we didn't comprehend. They were well-off, well-dressed, well-coiffed, and well-socialized for this college environment. Alice and I, on the other hand, seemed completely unprepared collegiate social life. We had a whole checklist that locked us in for "outsider" status.

Hard working immigrant families? Check. Mine worked in the fields of Central California. They were long, hard work days with little money to show for it. Alice's family worked in agriculture in the inland valley. Money was scarce at home; and on our own for the first time, it was nonexistent once tuition and books and dorms were paid for.

Shared languages? Check. Spanish and English had been spoken in both our homes. That was hardly a surprise given I was Mexican-American. But for Alice being of Japanese ethnic descent, it was a rare novelty. At some point we christened her the "Japexican," then straight up nicknamed her "Pexi" for her tri-cultural identity: Japanese, Mexican, and Pixie.

First child to go to college? Check.

Shouldered with the responsibility of making their parents' hardships and trials up until this point worth it due to amazing collegiate glory? Check.

Sheltered girls who didn't have a lot of experience with others outside of their extended families and ethnic culture? Check.

Hair down their back minus any perms or feathers or bangs? Check, and add a sprinkle of no makeup on top.

The gulf between us and the others seemed so great, we never even tried to bridge it. Instead, we made a family of two. And by the end of our first semester, our little bubble of was impenetrable.

That is, until we ventured into a local thrift shop managed by a girl named Rosie.

She was a townie, not a student. Her husband worked in a garage and a tattoo parlor. And she was gorgeous – none of these poodle perms and pink lip glosses for her. Rosie looked like she came from another, more glamorous era. She wore red matte lipstick and her blonde hair was smoothly coiffed into 50's throwback curly horns.

Her fashion game was similarly on point. Somedays she was dressed like the Queen Bee of the Pink Ladies, in pinned jeans, a satin jacket and high-high heels. Other days, she was in a retro circle skirt halter dress with flowers pinned in her hair.

And she was generous. After fangirling over her style on our first visit, she helped us find hidden clothing treasures in her store that could give us a similar vibe. And before long, we were being invited to different clubs to hear local bands play her favorite music: Rockabilly.

Once we found Rosie and her musical scene, everything fell into place for us more easily. Suddenly, the old beater of a 50's truck I inherited from my father was no longer seen as embarrassing. It was considered a classic. Shopping at second hand stores were no longer a undesirable necessity. They were considered the gold standard. My curves were no longer a liability when being stuffed into narrow Guess jeans miniskirts. They were now celebrated in sweater girl fashions and pencil skirts

Alice and I cut and dyed our hair, played with fashion for the first time in our lives, and reveled in the local music scene on the weekends. When Pexi's parents came to visit, they would tell her they didn't even recognize her.

But Jasper did.

Those two locked eyes on one another a couple years later at a house party and it was over. Edward and I lost our best friends in that moment. But I guess we gained a new annoyance. Edward was by far the best looking person I'd met in person. But he was fully aware of it and wielded his beauty and power shamelessly. The last thing I wanted was to be yet another girl who needed smelling salts around him. So, I needled him. I leveled him. He'd needle right back and then some. When that didn't work on me, he'd resort to lecherous flirting to make me blush. And the bickering would continue until Jasper would tell us to get a room.

Wash, lather, rinse, repeat.

Somehow the cycle started over before we ever did get that room though. And looking over at Edward right now, I knew we were just starting the lathering stage.

"Seriously, Edward, the most important thing for you as best man is to get the groom to the chapel on time. And that's not going to happen if they break up before that can happen. Why have him go on an outdated, pre-marital ritual that is only designed to undermine the institution of marriage and to celebrate toxic masculinity in all it's misogynistic forms?"

He just shook my head. "Do you really want to go down the feminist argument route here? You talked about wanting my dad as a sugar daddy two minutes earlier. Now you want to fly your NOW flag? Loosen up those selectively feminist buttons a little, Belly, and remind your girl that she's in America now. This is how it's done. I'm going to give Jasper a mind-blowing bachelor party. And when it's all over, he'll come home to Alice cause she's the one he loves."

I could feel myself gagging at all the things that were wrong with his little monologue. But I had to take apart at least one of them.

"America? She's in America? What-is she fucking Rita Moreno now from West Side Story?"

A conciliatory hand stretched out towards mine, but I waved it off. He knew how tricky the balancing act was between us too, but he'd pushed too far.

"Maybe I WILL loosen these buttons, Edward. Maybe Alice will too, and then some. Go ahead and have your bachelor party. Because that only means that I am now free and clear to pull off the bachelorette party of the fucking century. And when I done teaching you the lesson you so richly deserve, you will be begging for mercy."

"Belly, you're so dramatic. And blatant too. Loosening all your buttons, then loosening Alice's buttons, then making me cry for mercy? The way you sexualize me and fantasize about dominating me is astounding. Like I'm just waiting for you to pull a paddle out of your purse."

"Oh believe me, I'm sure there's a lot of things that could be pulled from your ass."

Edward's eyebrow went up, "Wait, are we back to talking about butt plugs again?"

Yes, I still would-but I'd keep an eye on him around my pearl necklaces.

"They need to be taught a lesson." I looked over at Alice and Rosie expectantly, but both their faces were unreadable. " I'm serious. There is no way in hell we settle for a spa day in Malibu when those little shits are heading to Vegas for a night full of debauchery and nudie bars. Right?"

Both of them still hadn't said a word. Rosa looked over at Alice before breaking the silence. "Look, Bella. We get it. You want to bang Edward, but you can't admit it. He's in the same boat. So you two play these weird little dare games where you one up each other. "

"This has nothing to do with Edward.," I insisted. "This is totally about Pexi and defending her honor. That's all."

Rosie turned to Alice. "I told you this was going to happen if you picked these two for Best Man and Maid of Honor. " Alice acknowledged her with a "what can you do?" shrug.

E tu, Pexi?

"Yeah, Belly, " Alice started. " I get that Edward makes your taco pop and all-"

Rosie chimed in, "Who among us haven't felt a pop or two with that smile of his? Legit taco popper…"

"-but I've got this sciatica nerve thing going on and a wedding to plan. I can't keep up with another one of these Edward and Bella's choose-their-own-clusterfuck-adventures with a month to go on the nuptials."

I felt slightly affronted by their suspicions. "Pexi. Did you or did you not tell me to discourage a strip club outing?"

She admitted as much.

"So…if Edward is being stubborn, and I have a full-proof plan to stop him in his tracks, how is this not about me doing right by you?"

"What's the grand plan? Taking a cue from the boys and moving the party to Vegas for a Chippendales show?" Rosa asked.

"No. There's no threat with that option. They know that having overly tanned guys tea bagging Alice with their sweaty balls on a folding chair is not desirable really."

Alice grimaced. "I'm still sensitive to smells. No sweat or sunny-side-ups on my face, for sure."

I had their attention, so I stretched it out a little for dramatic effect.

"What if we have our spa day still, but end the day by going to amateur night at the Peppermint Piper where my cousin Gabby works? "

Alice looked mortified, but Rosie got it.

"The boys are going to lose their shit when they find out we signed up for a stripping contest. I'm so in."

Alice remained unconvinced though.

"Belly, I'm pregnant. And I am not going to the shitty side of town for my bachelorette party to slum it and show off my belly like that!"

"Oh please, Alice, you're not showing at all, " I countered. "And your tits have grown two sizes in a month. You have a playmate body right now. How is it slummy to show the world all your pregnant beauty? If anything, it's an act of defiance to all the norms that say you should wear ugly overalls until you pop that baby out. "

"You're so full of manipulative shit, Belly," Rosie laughed out.

"I mean every word I say! And besides, your baby is gonna love a swing around a dance pole-for all he knows, you're taking him on his first carousel ride."

Rosie, our elder statesman of the group, had a few pearls of wisdom to share on the whole situation.

"I'm all for this cause it's sorta fucked up. But the easier thing to do is just bang Edward all ready. Sure he needs to take a Midol now and then, but so do you. So maybe you both could just fuck some manners and good sense into one another. And then no one would even need the damn Midol in the first place."

I mulled over everything that was said before responding: "So…..what you're saying is that we should totally do this and teach them a lesson, right?"

It was a busy night at the Burgundy Room. I'd been working there for months now, but the music blaring throughout the night kept my shoulders shimmying and my hips shaking. The eclectic group of patrons varied in allegiances, from rockabilly to cow punk and new wave. The gig made me also up my game with aesthetics. It was like playing dress-up every night, mixing and matching things together. And the more on point I looked, the better my tips were.

Tonight? I was dolled up cause it was Friday. I'd snagged a vintage dress at Ozzie Dots that morning, and paired it with some red patent leather Minnie Mouse heels. And to top it off, I Betty Paged the fuck out of my hair.

It was Rockabilly night at the bar, and the Polecats were blaring from the DJ's table. I couldn't help but shimmy and shake from table to table, getting drink orders. While making my way back to the bar, I felt two hands grab onto my hips. I turned around quickly.

"No touching," I yelled out on cue when I found myself staring at Edward.

"Whoa, Belly." He spun me around quickly for a 360 view. "You look like you came right to life off one of these bikers' arm tattoos."

Thankfully, he couldn't see my blush because of the red tint that infiltrated the whole club.

"Edward! What the hell are you doing here?"

It was a hilarious juxtaposition. The patrons were mainly dressed like pinups, bikers, and greasers - with the exception being Edward. He was dressed like some hot rich dad who was about to go sailing near Martha's Vineyard.

In other words, Carlisle. Total daddy issues.

"Take that sweater off around your shoulders before someone kicks you."

He took a look around. "There's a guy over there wearing a Davey Crockett hat and Uggs. I'm hardly the worst offender around here." He peeked around him one more time.

"Jesus, what is this? A convention for James Dean rejects or what?"

I shrugged and smiled as he settled his hands on my waist and gave me a once-over.

"You are wearing the hell out of this dress," He leaned in and smelled the Gardenia in my hair. "You smell good too."

"Aren't you just the little compliment jar, tonight." His face looked down and focused on my bicep.

" Belly, Belly what the-"

He dragged his finger lightly over my tattoo of a hula girl pinup with a worded banner floating above her.

"Lady Luck, huh? How did I not know about this?"

"You haven't gotten lucky yet."

Cue the gap tooth smile.

I made fast work of undoing the sweater from around his shoulders. "So, spit it out, hot stuff. Why are you here?"

"Alice told me where to find you. And as for why I'm here…" He looked around the crowded bar. "Is there any place we can sit down and talk in private?"

I wanted to laugh right in his face. His very nervous face.

He knew.

I guided him over to the only area that was semi-private –the antique Ouija Table that was the centerpiece of the bar.

Edward looked down at the monstrosity and just shook his head with a smile.

"What's up?"

Edward started to play with the ends of my hair.

"Belly…. what happened to the wonderful spa day by the sea that was originally planned for your bachelorette party? With Alice's delicate condition and all, a relaxing massage seems the best course for her, right? I mean, she's got a little bun in the oven…"

His words drifted off as he scrutinized my poker face. But this wasn't just poker that I was playing. It was fucking four dimensional chess, and I was closing in on his queen.

"Yes…. yes she does have a bun in the oven. I'm so happy to hear how concerned you are for her welfare finally. I appreciate that. But I reminded her, Edward, of what you said. That she's in America now. The home of the free and the brave. Which, by the way, are two qualities you really need when you are going to take your clothes off in front of a horny, all-male audience in the middle of your second trimester."

I cackled and cackled while flicking around the Ouija spinner. Edward just sat there silently in gaped- mouthed silence.

"This isn't funny." He took my hands earnestly and let his protruding hair flap fall down innocently into his face. "Belly, look-I can't go back to Jasper and tell him that his bride-to-be is going to show off her goods while carrying his seed. I'm ready to make a compromise. Why don't you guys do Thunder Down Under instead? Hell, we can all go up to Vegas together even and just separate for the night."

I shook my head in protest.

"No, Edward! The fact that you are offering it up as an option speaks volumes to how insufficient it is. You guys are simply exposing your virgin-whore complexes with the fact that you are okay looking at other woman nude, but you want to cover up your wives and sisters and mothers cause God forbid they are seen as sexual creatures. You sit there with your patriarchal privilege and think you can dictate what we do at OUR party?"

"I'm not exerting any privilege, Belly. I'm just doing right by my best man duties. And this is so messed up. Like you've outdone yourself this time."

"Thank you."

"Oh, don't be so quick to take credit yet. Why the hell do you want to just sit there in a room full of perverts while your poor best friend takes off her clothes to prove your point? And don't even act like this is about Alice and Jasper now—this is about you and me and you teaching me a lesson!"

"Bitch, please-of course I'm teaching you a lesson. But I'm not going to be sitting down. I'm going to be up there too. Ditto for Rosie. It's a bachelorette party. That means all for one and one for all on the stripper pole."

"You're dancing too," he said in a lower voice.

"Yes, I am. I'm doing my part as a strong and independent woman to expose toxic masculinity in all its hypocritical forms. Including all the toxic masculine rituals that undermine intergender emotional intimacy. You want to celebrate his marriage by looking at naked women? Fine, then we celebrate her marriage, by being looked at naked by men. THAT'S being on the same page. That's trading like for like. And the notion that we females should stay in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant while you gallivant all over Vegas—"

He pressed a finger against my lips, a silent plea to shut my trap for one second.

"That's so fucked up, Bella," he repeated. But this time in a husky whisper and a laser-focused stare on my cleavage.

Okay, Alice was right on one count: the Peppermint Piper really was in a shitty part of town. The clientele inside might be up to standards, but the stragglers outside made this adventure more unseemly.

All of us halted at the entrance, waiting for the other to do the honors.

"Open the door," Rose commanded.

"No, you open the door. Can you appreciate the amount of hand-to-penis cross contamination on that door handle?"

Alice muttered "babosos" under her breath as she opened the door with her bare hands.

It was hours before the club opened, so the place was clear. One guy waved from behind the bar and called out for my cousin; but other than that, it was empty.

Alice inhaled a long one and grimaced. "They should call this the Peppermint Pinoche instead."

A distinctly sweet peppermint scent infused the club, but it was mixed with a stuffy, dark room. The place was in need of ventilation and sunlight.

Rosie agreed. "Yeah, this is what it would smell like if I jogged a couple miles, had sex with Emmett; and then instead of taking a shower, I just slapped a menthol cough drop in my pussy. Who the hell mixes Candy Cane air freshener with twat?"

The Peppermint Piper, it would seem.

"Isa? Isabella?" Gabby came teetering out from a back room in high heels. Even after having three kids in short succession, she had maintained her immaculate figure.

Our family for the most part disapproved of her career choice. But honestly, if I had her body, Id hang out on busy intersections just flashing my goods free of charge.

"Come over here, girls, nice to meet you." My cousin sized us all up before continuing. "So, this is the bridal party?"

We all nodded ladylikeish.

"And…..one of you is pregnant?"

Alice raised her hand as if Gabs was taking attendance roll for class.

"She's also the blushing bride," Rosie volunteered.

"That's so fucked up, Isa." Gabby let out a huge belly laugh. "Okay, let's get a game plan in order."

Since I told her none of us were naturally inclined towards dancing let alone stripping, Gabby promised to help steer us in the right musical and stylistic direction.

"With first timers, simplicity is the key. If I give you a role or character to play, you just stick to that for the three minutes instead of worrying about doing a bunch of acrobatics you're not up for yet."

She stopped in front of Rosie first. "You're all blonde hair and long legs. Like a Ms. Texas, you know?"

"Yes, but I also had a baby three months ago and my stretch marks are still dark."

Rosie flipped up her shirt to show her baby battle scars from Emmett Jr.'s arrival. Gabby was unflapped.

"Honey, there's a reason they use colored low lights in this place. We'll just put a little peek-a-boo skirt on you and it won't even show." Gabby took a quick peek at Rosie's caboose. "They're going to be focused on your ass anyways."

Gabby clapped her hands and rested them under her chin. "So, Ms. Prep School Texas, I'm thinking some sort of dirty, downhome southern rock for you. Something like-"

"ZZ Top?" Rosie offered.

Gabby scrunched. "Naw, more like Def Leppard, or Whitesnake."

"Who are both British," I said under my breath like the musical snob that I was. It wasn't Gabby's fault though that she had a bad grasp of music in general. Too many years in the nudie bar listening to Motley Crue will do that to you.

"Shush, Belly. You want my help or not?"

I nodded and stood back at attention.

"Okay, Isa. You definitely don't have the Texan legs, and your torso is pretty long. Which means your legs suffer as a result in terms of length and overall proportionality-"

I circled my hand, trying to get her to cut straight to the chase.

"BUT, you are all ass and tetas. Which is like the preferred combo meal for many a red-blooded customer here. So I'm thinking something a little dirty, a little bluesy….."

"Like Stevie Ray Vaughn?" I asked hopefully.

"Naw….maybe like Bon Jovi."

"Aw, yes, the great John Bon Jovi and his Jersey-derived blues and gospel stylings…"

Pexi let out a snort, but quickly stood back at attention when Gabby stood in front of her.

Gabby was impressed with what she saw too: "Look at you, all petite and adorable, but with huge porn tetas. You're what….19 or 20 weeks along?"

"21. Wow, how did you do that?"

"I was looking my best up until my 24th or 25th week personally. So plan your bachelorette party sooner than later! And as for musical inspiration, I'm thinking something sexy but sweet, a little slower like-"

"Def Leppard? " I chimed in.

"Or White Snake?" Rosie added.

"No, " Gabby said as if we were on crack. "Motley Crue in power ballad mode. Duh."

Of course.

Three revelations came about from our cram session with Gabby—who was a goddamned saint for trying to show us how to get nude and in the mood in under two hours.

While Rosie was built like a brick house, she couldn't lift her leg for the life of her- poor thing had zero flexibility.

"Whatever," she concluded with a shrug after her thoroughly dismal turn on the stripper pole. "I'll just flash my pussy instead, cut right to the chase."

My issue was less coordination-related. My OCD tendencies were being triggered left and right in the Peppermint Piper. Every time I was supposed to try a move on the pole that Gabby showed me, I'd freeze up with germ-related fear:

"How many pussies have been wrapped around that thing, Gabby?"

" Do you use guys Lysol it on the hour? 'Cause otherwise, I'm not adding to the snail trails on here."

"And if you do use Lysol, is that going to burn me down there?"

Gabs wasn't hearing any of it though.

"Oh stop making excuses, Belly. If you're too scared to pull this off just say so."

But Alice? That hibernating hor apparently had the limberness of a gymnast and a nearly weightless body that let her flip and swing and twist all over the pole with ease.

She was flying around the pole in front of Rosie and I while hollering, "This reminds me of gym class when I'd swing down the rope from the ceiling."

And when a Prince song came on, without any direction from Gabby, Alice bent down low, grabbed the pole, and licked it while straightening herself back up.

"Goddamnit, , Pexi, " I yelled. "You're going to get hoof mouth pulling stunts like that and I don't have a handy wipe handy."

"I was just trying to work with the music," she sang out, as she flipped her body upside down and held onto the pole by her ankles and feet.

.

"Yeah, just remember you're licking what amounts to a toilet seat, so…"

Gabby started mocking me for acting like a grandma. I was too busy to answer because I was looking for a napkin to moisten. And Rosie was just laughing beside me, saying: "This limber bitch and her big pregnancy boobs. She'll kill it on her bachelorette night."

Edward asked if I wanted to come over to his apartment so we could "negotiate" the terms of our respective party planning.

Was this a white flag? Knowing Edward, probably not. In fact, I wouldn't put it past him that he was laying some sort of trap.

With that possibility, I wore my best chonies. Not to mention my most alluring sweater, and a pencil skirt that highlighted my ass.

My mind was open for diplomacy, but my body was dressed for war.

Or was it sex?

Whatever. I wasn't sure. I got confused when it came to Edward.

I rang the door, and a Not-Edward answered. Not-Edward leaned into the doorframe and said, "Hi, there," in a low voice.

Okay, I was definitely more dressed for sex. I pulled my sweater up to cover up better.

Before I could answer, Not-Edward was shoved out of the way by Edward. He gave me a slow once over and narrowed his eyes at me.

"If you dressed like this just to tell me you want to give my dad a hand job, I'm just going to close the door on you."

"A hand job? You think I would dress like this for your dad and stop short of a blow job?"

"Shush it."

I poked him in the ribs as I past him. He reciprocated with an arm around my shoulders as he escorted me straight into his bedroom.

"So….this place is a step up from your college apartment." I looked around, realizing he actually kept his bedroom very neat and organized.

I got comfy on his bed, and laid against the headboard. He sat right in front of me, Indian style.

Gone were the douche blazers. And the crocodile-branded shirts. And sockless boat shoes. No argyle was anywhere to be seen. Instead, he was dressed in worn jeans and a simple white shirt. It was almost like he was trying to appeal to my tastes.

Like he was dressed for battle too.

Or sex.

Maybe both?

Or were they one and the same?

My eyes narrowed.

"What are you up to? You look really good."

He shrugged his shoulders. "Nothing." He leaned forward and took a whiff of the fresh gardenia in my hair.

"You look and smell good. As always. What perfume are you wearing?"

"Nothing. It's all me, Edward. OH-and the flower you just sniffed directly from."

"Well, you should bottle up whatever combination it is and sell it for a profit. I can see it now, "he said while stretching out his hand like he was reading a marquee: 'Rockabelly, the fragrance. A delicate blend of Gardenia, cleavage, and reckless obstinance. '"

I laughed at the tidy summation of my entire being. "And what would Edward, the fragrance smell like?" I leaned in closer while taking in a whiff of his neck. Then I bent down towards his armpit and took another whiff.

He squirmed while laughing, " Stop. What are you doing? "

"I'm just making sure I'm getting all the different scent notes that embody you."

I sat back and tapped my finger against my chin. "Okay, I got it. 'Edward, the fragrance: a bold mix of Massengill, crisp 100 dollar bills, and an overproduction of pheromones.'"

He snickered while he tugged me down with him and we laid on our backs on the bed. He tucked me into his arm and held me a little closer.

"Man, I don't think I realized how much I missed you treating me like an asshole." He wrapped his other arm around me and squeezed.

"Yeah, well, I'm sure after this conversation, you'll get your fill of that treatment and then some. " I turned on my side and propped my head onto my hand. "So, what's up?"

"Oh, right—that," he said with a sigh. " I thought we definitely needed to clear the air about all the bachelor stuff. We can both admit we like to have our way, right?"

"Sure."

"So, I have given it a lot of thought, Belly. You're right. I can be sexist and I wasn't taking into account what's best for the sanctity of Jasper and Pexi's marital vows."

I nodded, even though his words sounded canned.

"So….I'm cancelling the Vegas trip. You win."

It was like his words didn't compute. I just kept staring at him. "Are you joking? You're just rolling over on this?"

He treated me with a sweet grin as he grabbed onto the hem of my skirt and pulled it.

"And your words really got me thinking about my toxic masculinity."

That was a red flag, if I'd ever seen one.

"Really."

"Yes, really. And you're right-I do think I have some virgin whore complexes I need to work through. I shouldn't want to hide my female friends and family in the kitchen. Or on top of a pedestal to calcify, you know? Like I want to celebrate the females in my life in all their humanity and wholeness."

And… there goes up another three red flags.

"That's why, Bella. Instead of taking my boys to Vegas, I'm taking them to the Peppermint Piper."

Mothereffing—

" On July 24th. "

Pexi--

"At 9:00 pm. To celebrate and support Alice and Rosie and you in all your wholeness."

Ratted out our plans. I tried to maintain my composure but it was impossible.

"You guys can't come, Edward. That's like a form of swingers' incest, are you kidding me?" My stomach churned thinking of Emmett seeing me naked. And Jasper. And don't even get me started on Edward. "No, you don't get to do that."

"Why not, " Edward inquired oh-so-innocently. "I thought as a strong and independent woman expressing herself, we should all bask in that physical manifestation of empowerment. I mean, I want a first row seat to watching the walls of patriarchy fall down."

I got off of the bed and stood up straight. ."So, you invite me over, joke and reminisce about how much you miss our friendship. You cuddle and spoon. And then, and only then, you pull this shit on me? Dick move, Edward."

"Oh stop being so dramatic, Belly." He laid his head back on the mattress and let out something between a laugh and a groan. He was also sporting a raging hard-on. I wondered if it was from the affection or the verbal sparring. Knowing Edward, it was probably both.

"Look, Belly-"

"Oh, I'm looking all right."

He scolded me silently while putting a pillow over himself.

"I thought you would admire my strategy a little more. You know you are impossible to reason with when you're set on something. So, you left me no choice but to fight fire with fire."

"Don't patronize me, Edward. And there's nothing remotely impressive about getting Alice to talk."

"Fine. Don't be impressed. But here's my final offer. Either you dig in your heels, and I'll dig in mine, and it will end in complete disaster."

I started to argue that point, but he stopped me before I could answer. " You know it will, Belly. And you'll get blamed for it.

He had a point.

"Or…. We could compromise. You nix the Peppermint Piper. I'll nix the Peppermint Piper. We all go to Vegas. You girls go Down Under, let Alice get the full tea-bag treatment. And we'll go to a topless revue, with no touching whatsoever. Final offer."

I thought for a second about a counter offer in my head. But there really wasn't one. Rosie and I weren't the most natural girls on stage. But Alice liked the exotic dancing, the little freak. She was looking forward to the party more than we were.

"You know what? I'm good, dude. Proceed at will." I smoothed down my skirt. I wasn't going outside in front of his roommates looking all bed-tussled.

"Belly, just remember-you're the captain, and your bachelorette party is the Titanic."

I ignored him, checking my lipstick in the mirror. "In fact, Edward, now that your party is local, hell, invite everyone you can now. "

"And the stripping pole? Is the Iceberg."

I gave my sweater one more tug upward: "We'll be happy to provide the entertainment for all of your friends."

And family, I added underneath my breath as I got the hell out of Douche Dodge.

And still, I could hear him yelling at me as I opened the front door: "And you're just steering right into disaster. And death. And misery!"

It was our last practice with Gabby before the big night. I chose not to incorporate the pole into my dancing. Rosie didn't incorporate the pole or dancing, really. Her two hot left feet did a couple side steps for a minute and then she just did a pussy flash. But Alice, she was doing some master class shit on the pole that even Gabby was impressed with.

Before we left, we had to pass costume inspection with Gabby, though. We were in the back room putting on our newly purchased pasties and g-strings when I shoulder-bumped Alice.

"So, Pexi. Did we or did we not promise not to give the time or location of our bachelorette party to anyone remotely connected to Edward for security reasons? Even if it's someone you are marrying very soon? "

Pexi shrugged apologetically. "Yeah…I told him. I mean, if he wants to come, I'm for it. Not to be arrogant or anything, but I am kind of a big deal on the pole and my boobs are never going to look better than right now."

"Yeah, Bella. Chill out. Who cares if they know, right?" Rosie was just sitting like a dude in her skimpy get-up. The funniest part about all our exotic dancing hijinks was how comfortable we all were now in our next-to-nothings with one another.

I looked at both of them like they were crazy. "You seriously don't mind if they all see us nude in quick succession? I think that would be weird and borderline incestuous for me to be flinging my pussy around Emmett and Jasper."

"Look, Belly," Rosie started. "Part of me thinks they'll chicken out because it is weird. But you know what? I could care less. I went through a 23-hour labor in stirrups with two different shifts of nurses and doctors. I'm shameless now. And you should be too, since you're the one who proposed this in the first place. Even if Edward's in the audience."

"I don't care if he's there," I said a little too defensively.

"Don't you, just a little bit?"

Gabby came in for inspection before I had to think that out any more than I wanted. And she did not look pleased.

"Girls…. why am I looking at three servings of deep fur pie? Have you even heard of a pair of scissors or a shaver before?"

'"What are you talking about," I answered. "We look fine."

" Jesus, Bella, it's 1985, not a 1972 porn movie. People don't just let it grow to their knees, at least not in this business."

I looked down at my chonies. Sure - I looked like I was packing some girl heat in terms of the pube sitch. But it wasn't out of control or anything.

"I want to look like a woman, not a nine year old version of myself down there, Gabby."

"Oh, you look like a woman, Isa. But a woman who is hiding Willie Nelson's beard underneath her bikini bottoms. I'm not asking for the moon. Just an inch or two off the top. It's necessary with a g-string."

"Fine, fine….whatever. I've come this far. One order of Kojack Pussy coming up."

Another night, another serving gig at the Burgundy. And another sighting from Edward.

It was Cowpunk night. Thus the pigtails, and gingham halter top dress. Instead of greeting me properly, he pretended to take an invisible lasso out of his pocket, throw it over me, and pull me towards him. I pretended he had only lassoed my middle finger and made it stand at full attention.

Edward approached me slowly, and I cut him off at the pass.

"Let me guess. You're about to say something like, 'Hey Bella, is there somewhere private where we can talk? I would love to have some privacy while I try to emotionally punch you in your junk again.'"

"He put his hands up in surrender mode: "No junk punching. I come in peace and reconciliation."

Against my better judgement, I pointed my serving tray out towards the Ouija table: " You know the drill."

We sat across the table from one another. He tried to soften me up with that gap tooth. But even that little bell and whistle left me unmoved.

"So, the way things went the other night was not what I had in mind originally. You were really pissed and that isn't what I ever mean to happen when I'm poking at you."

This guy.

"Oh, I think it went just the way you wanted it to. You were positively brimming with joy to one-up me."

He paused for a moment and gave me a "no duh" look. "OF course I couldn't wait to throw that revelation in your face, are you kidding me?"

Well, that wasn't what I was expecting as part of his apology. He pointed accusingly in my direction.

"And you'd be just as joyful too. Cause that's our shtick."

"Oh, we have a shtick, now," I countered.

"We always have, you know that. It's just different now."

I wondered if he was setting me up again, but I was still curious.

"How?"

He shrugged. "We aren't in school together anymore. We don't see one another several times a week. If I pissed you off, it would only take a couple days before I could make it up. Or vice versa."

He had a point.

" It's been three months since I last saw you, Belly. Maybe we are out of practice."

I could help but snort at that thought. "Oh, I think we fell right back into the groove just fine, Edward."

"Maybe we are making up for last time, " he wondered.

"So it's concentrated, and we need to dilute it a little?" Why our frenemyship was turning into a koolaid analogy was beyond me.

He mulled that over a second before shaking his head. "Naw. I don't want you to go soft on me. Well, that is, unless you want me to go soft on you….."

His face was all disingenuous concern. I couldn't help but smile at this asshole.

"Oh please. I'm not the one waxing philosophical about the nature and evolution of our shtick. I'm scheming on my next move, sweetheart. So you just keep giving it to me full strength, and I'll do the same."

"That's my girl. I knew you wouldn't hold a grudge too long. " He motioned over his shoulder with his head. "Want to seal our impending disaster with a dance?"

I looked over at my manager. "I've got about two minutes, so let's make it fast."

The music was not conducive to dancing really. But that didn't stop Edward. He just waltzed his double-Izod polo shirt wearing ass into the middle of the crowd and began dancing very badly. The cowpunk song playing was all ten-gallon hats and woozy beats, and this bitch was doing toe taps and spins. Then he grabbed me by the waist and made me spin too like an idiot. The guy moved with the confidence that no man in plaid shorts should ever have.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and shook my head: "You are so comfortable in yourself, Edward. "

"You are too," he answered simply. He started the prom side to side slow dance move with me. "I know you want to kill me still, but I've got to confess. I missed fighting with you."

I did too. But instead of admitting it, I just put my head on his chest and let the last chords of "Amanda Ruth" serenade us.

The night before the bachelorette party, we were lined up yet again for Gabby to go over our outfits. The way she was placing special attention on our crotch area only made me want to cup myself.

"Okay, I see everyone's trimmed up. Good job. But Isa- once you cleared the meadow, you exposed all the cracks and crevices."

What the hell was she talking about? Gabby pointed down south of the border.

"Your camel toe is showing. Maybe you'll want to wear a different bottom."

I looked down and saw what she was talking about.

And then I sneaked a peek at Alice and Rosie.

"Mine is so much more pronounced than either of these two. What the hell?"

Gabby piped up: "There's surgery for that, you know. It's called labiaplasty."

I gasped at her casual tone.

"I make a passing observation that my cooch is a little meatier than theirs, and now you're offering me surgical solutions? Who says I'm the deformed one-"I threw my hitchhiking thumb out towards Rosie-"maybe these two have the weird, skinny ones that need better hydration. Have you ever thought of that?"

"Calm down, Jesus…" Gabby said while rolling her eyes at my friends. "I was only saying labiaplasty is an option for your labia majora. Your labia minora, by the way, look totally fine and well-formed."

My cousin was a regular fucking medical student it seemed when it came to female genitalia. And a judgmental one at that.

"Well, Isa, if you could just stop throwing your friends' labias under the bus for a moment and hear me out. I was merely saying that if you were interested in surgical options, you could go from a Mick Jagger like yours to a Keith Richards with outpatient surgery and minimal recovery time."

I scrunched my nose in distaste.

"Ew, No and thank you. Only in LA would you spend money to plump up one set of lips, only to deflate another. "

Alice tapped me on the shoulder. "I think your lips look beautiful. And I bet, in some cultures, they are even considered the ideal."

I groaned. "Okay, next subject…."

Which was the pasties inspection.

Both my friends beside me seemed completely fine with the pasties. Rosie may have had a kid, but her boobs were smaller and perky still. And Alice's labor boobs were huge but standing at attention no matter what position Pexi was in. I watched them walk and grind and dance and their boobs were just staying put.

"Gabby, pasties on my boobs don't make sense. Mine are all moving and shaking everywhere with the slightest step. "

"That's a good thing, Bella. That's the whole point of taking off your bra and putting tassles on the pasties. To make them shake. "

I shimmied a little and watched my boobs do the stadium wave in slow motion.

"Yeah, but theirs do a jello shake. Mine are more like a walrus blubber shake."

Gabby took my concerns into consideration, then snapped her fingers. "I got it. " she went into her bedroom, came back out, and handed me a small piece of material.

"Why are you handing me your lingerie wash bag," I asked, staring at the napkin sized material in my hand.

"It's a fishnet top. Put it on. It will keep your big ol' tetas in place and give them a little support when you move."

I pulled it over my head, pulled it down to my navel, and-

"Oh my god, Belly, " Pexi blurted out. "Your boobs look even bigger. And anti-gravity as well."

I jumped. Did a 360 degree spin. Even bent over, and my puppies were definitely staying in place better. But….

"Do I look nasty? Like even nastier than if I just went topless?"

"Oh yeah- It looks absolutely filthy, " Pexi answered. "And I wouldn't want you any other way tomorrow night." She came up to me and gave me a hug. "It's like you're Cinderella tonight. And Gabby is your fairy godmother getting you dressed for the ball."

She paused for a second before continuing.

"Except the ball smells like a menthol pussy."

"Ain't that the truth, " I laughed.

"And instead of giving your hair a makeover, your fairy godmother wants to give you labiaplasty."

"Well…..Gabby didn't exactly say I needed that, it was more of an option -"

"No, Belly . On your labia majora, she was pretty adamant. It was like your labia minora was more of an option."

"No, she specifically said my minora was well-formed-"

"-And your Prince Charming isn't very charming. And if he can't get it together after seeing you in fishnet, I'm going to officially set you up with Gary, Jasper's older and equally fertile brother…"

"Glad we had the talk, Pexi. Now I want to buy a cat and eat a half gallon of ice cream by myself."

"I don't see them still." Pexi looked out into crowd from the backstage.
Apparently, she was working as a double agent. She had it on good authority that Jasper and Edward were coming tonight. Alone, with no one else, which was a surprise. Emmett wasn't even making it—he ended up babysitting Junior for the day.

"Are you sure?" I jockeyed around Rose and took a look for myself.

"Sure enough, " Alice confirmed as she started to squint. "But what the hell? Why is Edward's dad sitting front and center out there? Gross." Alice turned around and gave me stern look.

"Belly! What did you do?"

Yeah…..about that.

The whole day up until this point had gone off without a hitch. The hotel that we booked our massages at was as classy as they came, and the massages were amazing. The rest of the day was spent poolside, swimming, eating and taking in the scenery.

We arrived at the Peppermint Piper tanned and rested. After getting "dressed," it was present time.

Rosie did the honors, given she was an old married hag herself already.

"Now, Alice, it's our duty as your bridesmaids to make sure that before you walk down that Peppermint aisle tonight, you have something old and something new, right?"

Pexi nodded her head excitedly.

From behind Rosie's back she pulled out a delicate lace veil. "This veil was used during Emmett Jr.'s Christening, so its very meaningful to me."

Alice ooh'ed and ahhh'ed, but I stopped her right there.

"So meaningful you're going to let the veil do the ol' ho stroll onstage in a couple minutes?"

"Yes, exactly Belly. Because this isn't any ho stroll. It's Pexi's bitchelorette party ho stroll."

I nodded solemnly. "I stand corrected." I took out my contribution out of my purse.

"And this candy necklace is your something new. Although, it may technically not be completely new anymore, because I did steal a piece earlier to freshen my breath for that hot waiter Miguel when we were poolside."

Alice patted my head: "You're forgiven. Miguel was hot."

Rosie slid the veil over Pexi's head, and I secured it by placing the candy necklace around her forehead.

Then I took an issue of "Cosmopolitan" off an end table, told Pexi to raise her right hand, and repeat after Rosie.

Rosie began: " Do you Alice, take Belly and Rosie to be your lawfully wedded partners in crime. To have and to hold… your magnificent chi chis onstage. From this Motley Crue ballad forward, for richer or poorer-depending on the tips you get tonight. In sickness and in labial health, until the stripper pole, do us part…our legs."

"I do," Pexi giggled out.

"And let me just say that I do…..acknowledge that Rosie and I just conflated marital vows with being sworn into court. "

"It just means its twice the binding power, right?" Alice gave us both kisses and waited up on deck to go onstage.

While we waited for Alice's turn, Rosa bumped me on the shoulder.

"Are you nervous?"

"No."

She snorted.

"Fine. Yes. A little." My big mouth got me into this though, and I was gonna see it through.

"About stripping? Or stripping in front of Edward?"

" I don't know," I confessed. "Stripping. Stripping in front Edward. Stripping in front of Edward's dad as a lesson to Edward for trying to upstage me."

Rosie's eyes went cartoonishly wide. "Belly, what were you thinking?"

"Of winning our stupid little game we have going. " I put my head on her shoulder. "He all but told me to go full force on him. And it seemed hilarious at the time when I was trying to think of a way to one-up him for coming to the Peppermint Piper. But now, I want to go hide cause I think I crossed the line this time."

"Oh, you think? Just maybe?" Rosie was never one for softening a blow.

"What do I do, Rosie?"

"Other than giving out family specials on hard-ons tonight? I don't know. All I can offer you is this little sage piece of advice. "

"What?"

Rosie put her hand on my shoulder and squeezed it.

"I just want you to know that you are strong."

"Thank you."

Rose laughed a little before continuing: "And lord knows, Bella, no one can tell you you're wrong."

"Guilty as charged, I guess."

"And it's like you been searching your heart for so long. About Edward…"

I shot her a funny look.

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it searching my heart—"

"Oh please, Belly-both of us are knowing that love is a-"

I cut her off midsentence: "Rosie?"

"Yes?"

"Are you reciting Pat Benatar's 'Love is a Battlefield' to me?"

"Well, yeah. It seemed relevant about you two. I mean, does he stand in your way, or is he the best thing you've had?"

"Rosie….you're still quoting. Stop."

"No promises, no demands, Bella."

I was keeping watch from the backstage when I saw it.

Hair wood in the very, very back of the club. And Jasper rushing towards the front as Alice was being introduced to great applause.

Suddenly, all my nerves were replaced with adrenaline. I had set this up just so, and it was too late to turn back now.

"Rosie, let me borrow your jacket."

I slipped it on over my fishnet top, slid out into the crowd, and made a bee-line for Edward.

"Bella," he said quietly. He looked me over quickly before putting a protective arm around me. "Should you be out here like this?"

"I'm fine," I said loudly so he could hear me over the music. "So, you made it, huh? I saved you guys a table over here in the front…someone's holding it's place for you even. Someone you know, actually." I thought now was as good a time as any to spill the tea. But as I pulled him forward, he didn't move an inch.

Edward's head was scanning the area around us as he pulled me in closer. "Yeah, no. Alice's onstage. I'm not going up to the front. That's weird." He looked around again all cagey. "All of this is weird." He looked down at me again.

"And you need to put a shirt on."

I was surprised by his attitude – there wasn't a hint of his usual, cocky self. He was acting like me, acting like my grandma, when I'm feeling protective of Alice.

Which made my plan all the more awkward to pull off now.

Yet still… I persisted.

"Oh, shush, Edward. You're here now and I gotta go backstage cause I'm up after Pexi. Here. " I flung off Rosie's satin jacket for him to hold.

Edward looked frantic, his hands outraised as if he wanted to cover me up with the jacket. And yet, he just stood there, looking at my chest.

"So, Edward. Heads up."

He snapped his eyes back up to my face. "Sorry."

"Oh, no worries. I meant….figuratively heads up. I invited your dad to this. Because of that shtick thing we have and all. So, I'm going to go say hi to him really fast, get you situated at the table, and then head backstage, okay?"

My words came out as casually as I could make them. Edward stopped dead in his tracks.

"Goddamnit, Bella, that is so fucked up." He'd said those words to me so many times; but this time, they weren't said suggestively. He was pissed.

And I felt guilty, but also a little self-defensive.

"Did you or did you not tell me to not go soft of you?"

Cue eye roll on Edward.

"There's going full force and then there's punching below the belt. Why do you use my dad against me every time? Every fucking time, Bella…"

"That's not true." But even I knew that was sort of bullshit. He had a point.

"Look, maybe I did cross the line, Edward. But I got all fired up on your speech about going full force with our dares, and not going soft. It seemed like a funny one-up by inviting your dad, that's all. Now I'm going to go over there to greet him. I'm not going to give him a hand job. Or a blow job. I'm just going to say hi, because that's the polite thing to do when you invite someone over."

Edward barked out a maniacal laugh.

"Oh….. is it polite to greet my dad with your bare tits straining against fishnet too? In a STRIP club. Where your pregnant friend is currently walking off the stage naked? And where you'll be up there soon stripping for MY DAD?" His eyes were bugged out and his hands were gripping the sides of his head like a madman. "What the fuck is going on, Bella?"

I couldn't help but laugh. I could admit I was an asshole for including his dad, but he wasn't exactly innocent either.

"Hey, I was more than happy to wear elastic waisted sweats to a spa day in Malibu for our bachelorette party. But no….Edward needed to have his stag party centered around quote-unquote beautiful women in various states of undress. Be careful what you wish for."

Oh yeah, I thought, as his self-righteous indignation took a deserved dip. Don't peg this all on me.

"So please spare me all the smelling salt antics about what the fuck is going on inside a strip club."

I turned around, intent on heading to Carlisle's table. Even though, now that I had a second to think it over, the jacket was definitely going back on and getting zipped up.

He wouldn't let go of my hand though.

"Belly, wait." This time, his voice was soft and more pleading.

I turned around.

" Wait. Please. "

He pulled me into his arms as he whispered into my ear.

"Bella. Please don't go over there. Don't go over to my dad."

I sighed, not understanding who this new, well-mannered Edward was. "Why?"

"Because if you do, then that closes a door on anything for us. And I don't want that."

I didn't know what to say or do.

He slowly put my jacket over my shoulders and huddled us into a dark corner.

"What are you talking about, Edward. You're being very vague."

He moved my jacket slightly, exposing my breast.

"Goddamnit, Bella. I don't care if this makes me virgin whore complexed. I respect your right to do what you want with your body. But watching guys tugging at their dicks when you walk by is weird. And having you talk to my dog of a father while topless is fucked up. And all I really want to do right now is just take you home with me."

He swooped in, kissing me without warning. I opened my mouth and let my tongue lash out along his tooth gap that had driven me crazy for so long. The resulting jolt made me feel like a sexual pinball machine that was lighting up in all the right places. He must have felt it too, because he grasped the back of my head and deepened the kiss.

"Goddamnit, Belly, you missed your cue to come out on the stage."

Rosie's bullhorn voice shook us out of our moment, and we separated quickly.

She gave us both knowing looks.

"Hi, Edward."

He waved at her while looking off to the side.

"This is some weird shit, huh?"

He nodded: "You don't know the half of it."

"Actually, I do." She turned to me next. "You coming with me, or are you going with him?"

I felt torn. I didn't want to just fold and leave my girls hanging. But I really didn't want to strip in front of Carlisle now.

"Right, right. His dad's at the front table. It might mess up your guys love connection if Edward sees his dad getting a boner over you. Got it. Get the hell out of here. Me and Alice will hold down the fort."

We started making our getaway, when I stopped him. "I have a confession too. The pole dancing was okay, but I don't enjoy randoms looking at me like this. But when I put this top on tonight, the only person that made me want to put it on was you."

Edward j gripped me harder on the hips and breathed deeply before answering. "I need you to get in my car. And I need to get you home. Now."

We were back in motion, his arm around me as we made it out of the club.

So to answer the eternal question regarding Edward Cullen and his unequaled sex appeal?

Yes, I would. And if all went according to plan tonight, yes, I would again.