Buddy Comedy

Batman entered the conference room in the Watchtower, where the rest of the Justice League were already gathered. "Sorry I'm late," he muttered. "That anti-gravity adjustment takes a while for people who aren't from space."

"Not a problem, Bruce," said Superman, not noticing the resentment in Batman's voice, and maintaining his usual cheerful, friendly demeanor. "We're glad you're here now, and we can get started. As you know, we've been monitoring Lex Luthor's activities for a while now, and we've concluded that he's planning something big and dangerous. But we've just hit a snag – Luthor has disappeared. We don't know if this is voluntary in order not to be monitored by us, or if he's being held somewhere against his will. Either way, we need to find him."

"Did you really need to call all of us here for that?" asked Batman. "Why don't you just fly around the earth using your x-ray vision? It'll only take you a few seconds."

"I've done that, Bruce," replied Superman. "Wherever Luthor is, it's someplace that I can't see, probably lead-lined. Luthor's made sure most of his properties are, in order to block my x-ray vision, which is why I think he's hiding himself away on purpose, waiting to make his final masterstroke, either against us, or innocent people. If we knew it was against us, I'd wait and see what his next move is. But we can't risk him doing something to hurt innocent people without at least trying to get the jump on him and putting a stop to it."

"So you're sending us all to different corners of the earth to search for him the old-fashioned way?" asked the Flash. "Because I challenge all of you to a race. Except you, Superman."

"I'm not doing that," said Superman, shaking his head. "It's impractical to search the whole world like that. But we can narrow down the search – we know that Luthor has been in communication with the Joker recently. They could be planning whatever this is together, but even if they're not, Luthor might have told Joker where he's planning on going. And this is why I wanted to wait until you were here, Bruce," he said, looking at Batman.

"You want me to beat the info outta him?" asked Batman, cracking his knuckles. "My pleasure."

"I wish it were that simple," said Superman. "You of all people know that violence doesn't work against the Joker – it doesn't make him talk, and it just encourages him. And there's no way he'd betray a fellow supervillain to one of us. But there is someone here who he respects, and thinks of as his friend. Someone he likes much more than Luthor, and would be willing to help out, if asked nicely."

Batman stared at him. "You want me to…ask Joker nicely for the info?" he asked, slowly.

"I want you to work with the Joker to find Luthor," said Superman. "And if that means asking him nicely for info, so be it. I want you to use your people skills, and your powers of charm and persuasion, to get him to help us."

"I'm not seducing the Joker!" roared Batman.

"Woah, where did that come from?" asked Superman, puzzled. "Of course I didn't mean that! He's got a girlfriend, doesn't he?"

"Oh, he'd enjoy it anyway," muttered Batman.

"Isn't there a happy medium between beating the crap outta someone and seducing someone?" asked Superman.

"Bruce Wayne wouldn't know!" chuckled Flash. "He only ever does one or the other! Ow!" he exclaimed, as Batman punched him.

"Diana, help me out here," said Superman, turning to Wonder Woman.

"I think Superman is advocating you using kindness and compassion, treating the Joker as a friend and equal," said Wonder Woman. "Showing that you're willing to work with him in this matter, despite your moral and philosophical differences. If more people did this on a larger scale, this world could be a better place."

"But I'm not willing to work with him," protested Batman. "And I don't think of him as a friend and equal. He's a mass murdering psychopath. You can't treat someone like that nicely, or compromise with them."

"Not even to stop another mass murdering psychopath?" asked Superman. "Bruce, innocent lives are at risk, and violence is not going to work. What else can we do?"

"We can…pay off one of his henchmen, or a fellow rogue," said Batman. "Get them to get the info outta him, and then beat them until they tell us."

"Too risky – what if they can't do it, or have a change of heart?" asked Superman. "It has to be someone we can trust, Bruce. Someone we can depend on to do it, and not have a change of heart. Someone resolute, and dependable, and heroic."

"So you do it!" snapped Batman.

"Joker loathes me," retorted Superman. "He'd never talk to me under any circumstances. He thinks I'm a goody two-shoes boy scout – he's told me as much personally. But you…well, he thinks you're just one small step away from being as crazy as he is. He thinks you're his best buddy, someone he admires and respects, and someone he wants to be friends with, if you could just come round to his point of view. Of course you never will, but he holds out hope because he's crazy. If you could fulfill that hope, if you could actually try to be his friend, he'd betray Luthor in a second for you."

Batman looked around at all their serious faces. "Have you all suddenly lost your minds?" he demanded. "Is it April 1st? Is this some big April Fool's joke you've all thought up for me? I hope it's not, because Joker always causes trouble on April Fool's Day, and I can't be wasting time up in space if it is…"

"Bruce, it's the only viable option for stopping Luthor," said Superman. "Unless you have a better idea? Because we don't."

"Flash could search the entire world in a couple days…" began Batman.

"It might be too late by then," said Wonder Woman, gently. "Bruce, I know this isn't comfortable for you. I know diplomacy and cooperation isn't your usual go-to method. But wouldn't you do anything to save innocent lives, even if it means stepping way outside your comfort zone? Even if it means making friends with the Joker?"

Batman glared at her. "I'm not killing anyone," he muttered. "Except maybe him, if he really pushes me. In which case, I don't see myself as having broken my no-killing rule so much as being driven to it by you people. It'll be on your head."

"I can live with that," said Superman. "But I know you won't, Bruce. You're a good man."

"And you expect me to work with the worst man in the world," muttered Batman. "A man who laughs in the face of basic decency and humanity. A narcissistic, self-obsessed, murdering clown, who thinks violence and pain is one big joke, and who has repeatedly hurt and killed those close to me. You expect me to smile and try to relate to him, all in the very slim hope that he'll buy the act and betray another supervillain because we're friends."

"That's the general idea, yes," said Superman, nodding.

"When you think about it, Bruce, it could be the most heroic thing you've ever done," said Wonder Woman. "It's a completely unselfish act of heroism for the benefit of innocent people, which will inevitably result in your own personal suffering. It's altruism in its purest form, because it's hugely unpleasant for you, and you'd literally rather do anything else. Isn't that something only a true hero would do?"

"A true hero, or an idiot," agreed Batman, heading to the door with a heavy sigh. "At the moment, I'm honestly not sure which one I am."

The door shut behind him, and Flash spoke up, "Fifty bucks says he snaps within twenty-four hours."

No one took the bet.