A/N: It is hereeeee! I'm so excited for this to be up, you guys!
Okay so I planned to dive straight in after I finished Faces, but I realized -just like the characters- I needed to take a small break and grow. I wrote another short fic and decided that I wanted to write this sequel in the third person, past tense. It fit better in my head like that and I hope you people will agree with that after reading.
I wanna just take a sec and thank you for the continuous support I received during this little break. I wrote this chapter on a (rare) sunny afternoon in August and I didn't mean for it to be almost 10k, but here we are! I -personally- am in love with this first chapter and I hope you guys will like it, too.
Enjoy!
It had been five months since Beca left for Los Angeles.
It had been five months since Chloe's heart broke in an unrepairable way. At least, that was what it felt like at the time.
Chloe locked herself in her room whenever she could. She put on a happy façade whenever she was around people; in classes or during Bellas practices, yet she couldn't shake the feeling that everyone could see the pain behind her smile.
Perhaps Chloe's smile wasn't quite as honest or bright the way it used to, no matter how hard she tried. And she felt as though everyone looking at her –stranger or familiar- would see she was being deceptive in her facial features.
But the intense sadness was soon replaced due to Chloe's focus on the last bits of her college life and no matter the continuous voices in her head that doubted the decision, Chloe made it to the end.
It had been four months since Chloe graduated.
It was a day she always knew would come, inevitably and inescapably, waiting for her in the near future, but there was always one more year. One more attempt to figure out what she wanted to be, what she wanted to do.
But life didn't wait for her to plan out the rest of it, and Chloe soon learned its ruthless ways.
After graduation, Chloe and her group of Bellas competed in the national finals at Lincoln Centre where they miraculously won, thanks to Beca's ideas and Aubrey's belated willingness to change from traditional ways.
It was an emotional day for the Bellas. They shared excitement and later on sadness when Aubrey and Chloe officially had to resign from the group and leave the faith of the Bellas in hands of Amy, Stacie, Cynthia-Rose, Jessica, Ashley and Lilly.
Chloe had her swan song, but it left a bitter taste without Beca there.
Chloe started her life after college by moving back home.
A few days after her arrival in Kansas, Rufus –the dog that had been in her family for over a decade- passed away and it felt like a family member died. The Beale residence turned into a place of misery and it took them a while to conquer the sadness of the loss.
Despite the unexpected despair, Chloe enjoyed living with her family again. It wasn't her ideal plan, but it felt right to come back and figure out her next move in the place she grew up in. Perhaps the only remaining place where Chloe felt safe.
However, a few weeks in and multiple job applications for companies Chloe had no real interest in working for, she felt worn out and defeated by a future life she wasn't sure she wanted in the first place.
First, Chloe tried to settle for the nine-to-five office job. She looked for small apartments and tried to get excited over the prospect of the most average life imaginable.
When she couldn't possibly succeed in that, Chloe tried to figure out what it was she did want. She tried to come up with her crazy dream in life.
The one Beca was brave enough to chase.
Besides the obvious point that Chloe longed for the good days of her college life, the friends she hadn't seen in too long and the girl she loved that got away, she also missed art.
Whatever was going on, art was a constant in her life and she didn't realize that was where her heart was until she found an ad for an art institute in Los Angeles.
Her heart skipped and her first thought was that it was fate.
Her second thought was how Beca would mock her for even thinking about using that word.
Chloe brushed the silly idea off, just like she had done with every other. Yet this one stayed with her, in the depth of the nights and the middle of the days.
Chloe thought it would be stupid. It would look too much like chasing the girl that had left.
Even though her interest was sparked upon finding the art school, Chloe couldn't help but think if it were located any other place in the world, she wouldn't give it a second glance.
It had been three months since Chloe packed her bags and left for Los Angeles.
The decision wasn't an easy one, but it was made in a heartbeat. Chloe had pondered it long enough and when her head and heart couldn't figure it out, she made the abrupt decision to do what she thought would bring her happiness.
A plane taking her to LA would bring her that, but she didn't know whether or not her big plans for art and adventure would do the same. Chloe was afraid the only reason it would make her happy, would be because of a certain person living in that same, huge city.
So Chloe made a deal.
With herself this time.
She wouldn't tell Beca she lived in LA. She wouldn't go see her or secretly check her location via numerous social media apps to see if she were near. Chloe would try to make it on her own first. Enroll in the art institute, get a place, make some money. If she learned it wasn't for her, or she didn't like it after all, she could decide to move back or go somewhere else.
It had been two months since Chloe realized there was nowhere she would rather be than LA.
From the moment her feet impacted the Californian ground and the warm air surrounded her being the way Kansas nor Louisiana ever could, she knew she would never live to regret her decision. Yet it was a gamble. She was in a city where she knew nothing and no one.
Chloe miraculously found her way sooner than she expected to.
Her first cup of coffee in a local and informal restaurant was where she met her future roommate. The waitress peeked on her laptop screen and found Chloe's search for an apartment. Apparently, the girl had flyers all around the coffee shop with her name and number, -something that didn't sound very safe for a young woman to do, but Chloe had yet to realize she was in Los Angeles and Kansas was a long way from there.
After a conversation during the barista's break that day, Chloe learned her name was Danielle and she dropped out of college earlier that year. She was working in the coffee shop to get her finances up to eventually go back to university, but when her roommate moved out a few weeks before that and left her with the full rent, it wasn't speeding up her educational plans.
Chloe liked the girl and she went with her gut feeling.
She moved in that very same day.
After she had a roof over her head, Chloe took steps to enroll into the art institute that lured her to California in the first place. She loved everything about the institute, from its people to its classes. Chloe had no problem starting and building profound friendships with the people she met through the art classes.
Through Danielle and her newly-made art friends, Chloe met a bunch of other cool people and she knew then that she was going to stay right where she was.
A month ago, Chloe realized the high prices for simple, rental apartments in West Los Angeles and the institute's tuition fee would soon leave her with a bank account in all red numbers. Danielle got her a job at the coffee shop she worked, but after only a few shifts, something else crossed her path.
She overheard a conversation between a group of people in one of her art classes which involved a children's theater a few blocks from the institute. Chloe confronted the people about it and found out the theater was looking for art students to paint their décor.
A few days later, Chloe was painting the scene of an upcoming play. Sadly, it was a job unpaid, due to the small theater's low income and inability to pay her a salary, but Chloe liked the work too much to discard it. She figured it would lead to something sooner or later, which it did.
Three weeks after her hiring, the children's singing coach left for a better job and it left the theater weak and desperate.
Chloe hadn't even had the time to offer herself, because it seemed her coworkers already talked her up to the higher staff.
Chloe guessed all those evenings she spent painting and singing in the dark and deserted theater long after –she assumed- everyone had left, paid off.
Chloe loved to work with kids and it felt good to sing professionally again. The theater even managed to hand her a paycheck, however small for such a local children's theater, it made it a little easier to get by every month in the suddenly so expensive city.
It was safe to say Chloe had settled into this new life. Between art classes, painting the scenery for the upcoming plays and teaching the talent kids at the theater how to use their voices, Chloe made sure to keep busy and work hard.
Yet Beca Mitchell would pop up every now and then, hidden in the darkness and luring from a distance, Chloe knew that her ex-girlfriend was never far in her mind. It would never take much. A person rolling their eyes, a snarky comment that Chloe could imagine in Beca's tone of voice, sometimes just a stranger with headphones on or those couple of minutes at night before Chloe were to find her rest.
Beca Mitchell was never far away.
Chloe liked it most of the times. She enjoyed the excitement of realizing that the stranger just might be her friend. She didn't know where Beca lived, but they shared a city, so that meant a possibility to Chloe.
Other times, she didn't like it.
She didn't like that whenever she kissed a man or a woman she barely knew, their lips didn't taste like Beca's. She didn't like that their lips weren't rough enough, or soft enough, or red enough. And she also didn't like that whenever that kissing led to more, Beca Mitchell was still there. Not only in her head, but also inside her chest and stomach, pulling and pushing at organs until they were all swapped and it made Chloe feel physically sick.
On those rare occasions, Chloe hated the fact that she couldn't shake Beca from her mind. She hated the fact that Beca left her months ago, but it still felt like yesterday to her. She hated the fact that it seemed she couldn't get over her, no matter how many strangers she kissed or slept with.
She hated that she was counting down from ninety ever since she landed in LA.
And today, she had reached the zero.
It was Sunday morning and Chloe had nowhere to be, nowhere to hide, nowhere to escape from Beca Mitchell's presence in her head.
Chloe wondered if her plan was stupid to begin with. Somewhere deep down inside of her, she knew she had been lying to herself ever since she got here; telling herself she came her for some art institute that she too could find somewhere in Kansas' near range.
Chloe came here for Beca.
She knew it, even when she was too proud to admit it.
And now that the time had come to confront Beca with the news of her change in location, she wondered momentarily if she would know, too.
Beca always did know her better than she knew herself and Chloe was afraid.
Afraid Beca would have moved on by now. Afraid she wouldn't recognize her phone number anymore. Afraid she wouldn't want anything to do with her anymore. Afraid she would get mad about Chloe's lie or just angry at the fact that she followed her.
Yet she was most afraid she would want to meet her, that she would still want to be her friend, that she would understand her reasoning behind her secret, that she would still be her Beca.
Because she wasn't. Not anymore.
Chloe took out her phone and opened her chat messages with Beca. She scrolled through old texts, nothing older than five months, though. That would be too painful. But everything they had sent each other post-break-up.
They weren't out of touch. Not at all.
Especially the first two months, they shared long conversations and most importantly, honest ones.
Beca would text her how much she wished she could be at the final Bellas' performance and Chloe would respond from the Lincoln Centre's bathroom with tears in her eyes how she wanted that, too.
Beca would wake her up in the middle of the night –which wasn't much of a difference from Beca's time- how she was thinking about her and Chloe would lay awake the entire night, because pretending to be asleep was better than anything her fingers could type in return.
Over time, their conversations became less honest and neither Beca nor Chloe herself would comment about their true feelings on the situation anymore. Chloe didn't know if Beca had moved on or if she was –just like Chloe- acting like she had.
Chloe couldn't guess the girl's emotions anymore and a part of her felt like she had lost Beca Mitchell.
So their text messages turned into lies. One asking how the other was, the other replying with one or two words, but never an explanation. Whenever Beca asked about life in Kansas, Chloe would reply shortly –and dishonestly- before changing the subject to Beca's work.
There was always something crazy that had happened at Beca's work that she would want to talk about and it was an easy escape from Chloe's lies.
Yet Chloe liked to hear about her life. Her new life that she was no longer a part of, but a good life nonetheless. Beca spoke about her job and her coworkers with annoyance at times, but Chloe knew that was just Beca Mitchell. And she knew that no matter what, the girl was living her dream and she was happy.
Chloe scrolled to the last messages that were exchanged and was surprised to find they were from weeks ago. She didn't know it had been that long and she suddenly felt guilty.
It wasn't that she didn't want to talk to her ex-girlfriend. She wanted to, every hour of every passing day. But every time she wanted to text her about her day, or tell her something funny that had happened to her, she realized she couldn't. Beca Mitchell wasn't aware of the fact that she was living in Los Angeles and not a day went by where Chloe didn't feel bad for keeping it a secret for so long.
Chloe: hey what are you doing today? xxx (9:11)
She left her phone in her bedroom, aware that it was Sunday morning for Beca as well and that –while Chloe had slept a solid eight hours- Beca probably just made it to bed after a nightshift.
Chloe tried to keep busy, if only to prevent her mind from straying to that smartphone lying on her bed with or without a new message on it.
She cleaned the entire apartment and even went as far to mop the floor, something Chloe didn't think had ever been done before. She asked Danielle for an early lunch and the girl was quick to accept.
Chloe took her phone with her before leaving the apartment, but she did so without checking it as she simply dropped it into her bag.
Danielle took her to a nearby lunch room, just a few blocks away from their apartment. Chloe thought about checking her phone, but the idea of it brought her fear and anxiety, over what, she wasn't sure.
Perhaps that it would be so easy for Beca to refuse her yet un-proposed offer. Perhaps that time had just put too much space between them and Chloe had lost her right to ask her anything at all. Perhaps that Beca would be angry with her for keeping this a secret.
Chloe was scared of all the possible scenarios, so she decided to stall for as long as she could. At least until after lunch. She would check her phone after lunch.
"Tell me those are not the best pancakes you have ever had. Go on, try. You can't, can you?" Danielle asked her with her own mouth stuffed with the particular food.
Chloe smiled and for a second she forgot all about Beca.
She thought about how lucky she was with a roommate like Danielle and how she found her in the most exceptional way possible. Danielle was a strange person. She didn't eat snacks, ever. She smoked, but only when there was another person around who did. She liked to put in her green contact lenses and scare Chloe in the middle of the night. She talked about Halloween all year around, yet would flinch during every scary movie Chloe would watch with her.
Danielle was happy and cheerful most days, just like Chloe. But every so many days, she would lock herself in her room or snap at Chloe over little things. Chloe never took it personally, because she knew the girl suffered hard at the expense of her college-free life and she pitied her.
Chloe had been lucky with the financial help from her parents, but Danielle didn't have that. Her parents were hardworking people, but couldn't afford to send their only daughter to college. Danielle had to get there on her own, but unfortunately she couldn't stay there.
"Do you think Jimmy is too close with this chick in the photo?" Danielle asked her as she held up her Instagram account for Chloe to check out the picture of Danielle's boyfriend and some girl she didn't recognize.
"I don't know." Chloe chuckled. She wasn't unfamiliar with jealousy, she just wasn't jealous like that.
"You're right. I'm gonna tell him to take it down." Danielle stated as she typed away on her phone.
Chloe laughed at the act, minding her own business and forever surprised how other people act within a relationship.
Beca suddenly popped back up into her head and she remembered the few occasions she felt jealous when it came to that girl. The first time in such a small way when Chloe saw Beca interacting with Jesse during their aca-ignition party. Later, -in extremely poor judgement- that stupid girl in Beca's club who came onto her and Chloe who encouraged it, for lack of better ways to handle it.
The truth was, Chloe never knew how to handle jealousy within herself and she only ever got as far as she did with Beca. Now that that had ended, Chloe wondered if she would ever completely understand and act correct on it.
Perhaps there just wasn't such a way.
"Hey, this guy is cute!" Danielle yelped as she once again held up her phone with on it a picture of a half-dressed man.
Chloe cringed, not because the man was poorly looking, but because her mind was with Beca and everything fell flat to her.
"What? You have to go get yourself some! It's been like, five weeks?" The girl hinted with a seductive raise of her eyebrows.
"Stop it!" Chloe said as she kicked her leg underneath the table, but the woman wasn't wrong. Chloe hadn't actively been seeking out anything serious while the dates she did go on led to only one thing. She was a woman with needs and she enjoyed her time with the few strangers that she had shared a bed with in the past three months, but that was all she was interested in.
"What is it? Are you more in a girl-phase now? I mean, I know bisexuality isn't fifty-fifty, right?"
Chloe appreciated Danielle's cautious words as she stepped onto unknown territory, and she wasn't about to get into details. "I've kind of texted my ex this morning." Chloe admitted nervously. She was relieved to finally share this information with someone, but she wasn't sure if the girl could manage to remove the doubts she had about it.
Danielle reacted loudly in shock. "Is it that cute one you moved here for?"
"I didn't move here for her." Chloe said instantly. She moved here to study art and she stayed for the amazing people she met through that and the wonderful children at the theater. Beca had nothing to do with it and Chloe was willing to tell herself that every day until it convinced her.
"But it is her, isn't it? Oh my God, it's like a fairytale!" Danielle screamed out excitedly.
"Dan, calm down. I sent her one text this morning and she probably hasn't even responded."
"You haven't checked?" Danielle said borderline insulted before roughly seizing Chloe's bag from its place on the floor. Chloe tried to stop her prying hands, but the determined girl won the fight. "One new message." She stated content and mysterious.
Chloe felt her lungs cave in anticipation and it became hard to breathe. It became hard to do truly anything except fight the awful feeling of every organ shutting down, Chloe realized.
"Nothing-" The girl read out loud in a teasing voice that annoyingly resembled nothing like Beca's. "-What about you? That's it? You people need to learn how to flirt." Danielle stated before Chloe could snatch it back from her. "Oh, say you're thinking about her. Naked." The girl pitched.
"It is no longer a secret how you have Jim wrapped around your finger." Chloe chuckled before redirecting her focus onto the received text message.
"So what's your game?"
"I don't know." Chloe admitted. Part of her wanted to make a joke about meeting her at Target around three o'clock. It would be funny and corky and Chloe would finally see Beca rolling her eyes at her again.
But Beca's message was distant. Cold. Uninterested. Like every text message of the last few months had been. Chloe couldn't blame her. If anyone was to blame, it was probably Chloe herself. She was the one who never started a conversation and hadn't told her anything personal since she arrived in California.
"I think I'm just gonna ask her if she wants to have dinner." Chloe whispered sullenly. It wasn't what she wanted to send, but things hadn't been the way they used to. Chloe had changed and Beca most likely had, too. Their relationship had most definitely changed and it was silly to think she could act as if it hadn't.
"Oh, should I stay at Jimmy's tonight?" The girl teased while her foot rubbed at Chloe's leg.
"You wish." Chloe chuckled. "It's not that kind of dinner, I'm afraid."
Danielle paid for lunch since Chloe covered the last one. They exited the restaurant and headed back to their apartment where they got inside Danielle's car to drive to Walmart for household essentials. Five minutes before arriving, Chloe decided to check her phone again.
Chloe: up for dinner tnigt? ;) xxx (12:06)
Becs: sure let me just catch a plane to Kansas (12:22)
Chloe smiled at her response. She could almost hear Beca's tone of voice saying the words she was reading and Chloe was pretty sure if she closed her eyes, she could picture Beca's exact facial expressions.
Chloe: not necessary ;) ;) (12:43)
Chloe tucked her phone in her pocket as she hopped out of the car and she followed Danielle into the retail store, but she didn't even make it inside as she felt something vibrating in her jeans. Chloe knew what it was. Knew who it was. Knew what she'd hear as soon as she would pick up. And it made her smile just to know that no matter how long she hadn't heard the girl's voice or how much they had grown apart, Chloe would always know her in some way.
"Dan!" Chloe hissed as she showed her the ringing phone.
The girl pulled to a stop and jerked the phone right out of Chloe's hand. "She is cute." Danielle stated as she stared at the temporary background that Chloe had yet to delete from Beca's contact information. "But you gotta make her work for it. Be mysterious." The young woman said as she declined the call and handed the phone back to its owner. "If she calls again, pick up and say you're busy."
Chloe resisted at first, but she didn't know what she should do. She knew if she picked up the phone, Beca would make her admit what she meant with her text and why she was in LA, which was a conversation Chloe wanted to have face-to-face.
Beca knew exactly how to get Chloe to open up and Chloe doubted she forgot.
Chloe wondered if she would call again, but when no text message returned, she knew she would. So she started to think about what to tell Beca when she were to try again. Chloe knew the time had come to be honest, but only to a certain degree. If in the worst possible case scenario, Beca would get mad at her for moving to Los Angeles –West LA to be specific, the area that coincidentally Beca lived in too- and hiding it from her for three months, at least she could make Beca understand.
How she'd do that was an issue for another time, but she knew she could do that if Beca was physically in her presence. She couldn't do that over the phone.
Chloe tried to focus on what kind of cleaning supplies they'd need and what brand of facial tissues Danielle wanted, but all she was thinking about was Beca. It was like she was right back in that college dorm room with her, but that seemed like a lifetime ago.
Her phone vibrated again and this time, due to Chloe's nervousness and anxiety, she picked up before it even got to the second ring.
"Beale, what the fuck are you talking about?!"
"Hello to you, too." Chloe smiled, feeling a sense of familiarity and comfort upon hearing and being able to speak to Beca again.
"Don't beat around it. What's going on? Where are you?"
Beca sounded like the girl she had always known. She sounded agitated at Chloe's calm behavior, yet there was a tenderness in her voice. Chloe remembered a time even before they got together when Beca wasn't necessarily sweet or kind, but there was that tenderness. There was always that tenderness. It was proof to Chloe that Beca cared, in whichever way that might have been, it was still there.
Chloe knew she could survive whatever was coming her way due to that fact.
"I'm actually in LA right now." Chloe admitted. A weight was lifted from her shoulders. It felt like she was a thousand pounds lighter. Heavy backpacks with rocks of guilt and shame fell to the ground and her shoulders could finally move again.
"You're in LA?!" Beca said shocked. "Well where are you? Are you at the airport? I could come get you."
"No, no, I'm-" Chloe said as the guilt and shame found its way back into her body and possibly even creeped into her chest. "Look, I can't really talk right now." She said in panic. "Just text me a restaurant and I'll see you there, okay?"
Chloe felt bad. About a lot of things regarding Beca, she felt bad. But in particular ending a phone call like that and leaving her questions unanswered. She knew it was only temporarily. Tonight, she would give Beca all the answers to her questions and many more apologies. There was nothing she could do until then, but it didn't make her feel any better about it.
They had agreed to meet at seven, but Chloe arrived half an hour early.
She was nervous. Inexplicably and undeniably nervous, among a few other emotions she did not want to identify at that time. It was strange to her, because when it came to Beca Mitchell, she was never nervous.
She wasn't nervous when she barged into Beca's shower stall and went down on her.
She wasn't nervous about breaking down every barrier and conquering every obstacle, no matter how many times Beca resisted.
She wasn't even this nervous when the two of them returned from her elderly home in Kansas and Chloe was about to bring up the one topic she wasn't sure Beca would be open to.
But Beca had been so close back then. She was right there, her hands touching her skin and her lips occasionally kissing hers and eventually, Chloe's feelings returned by the younger woman.
That intimate moment in that small dorm room felt like so many years ago. So much had happened since then that Chloe doubted they could ever be like that again.
This time, Beca wasn't near and she was definitely not in physical contact with her. She wasn't there to calm Chloe down or put her at ease.
This time Chloe had to get through it all by herself.
She jumped out of her car and headed inside the restaurant where –surprisingly- Beca hadn't arrived yet. Chloe took a seat facing the door and she ordered a wine to take care of her nerves for her. Eleven long minutes passed until the restaurant door flew open and Chloe was able to see Beca Mitchell again.
She saw Beca before Beca saw her and it was a moment of bliss.
Just a couple of seconds, Chloe could appreciate the young woman that was talking to the staff member near the front entrance.
Beca looked the same at first glance. But the longer Chloe stared, the more changes she found.
Beca's hair was shorter and lighter. It barely fell over her shoulders and Chloe could swear she had her hair dyed a numerous amount of shades lighter. She hadn't gone full blonde, but there were different shades of blonde locks mixed together with her former only auburn hair. The few curls she once had in her hairstyle had been straightened out almost professionally, and her hair seemed to be cut in layers.
It was different, but Chloe liked it.
The leather jackets Chloe once came to know so well seemed to have been traded for denim vests. She wore dark jeans with a belt which Chloe certainly hadn't seen before. She had rings around her fingers and bracelets on her wrists that Chloe didn't know Beca would like.
Even though every item the girl wore and almost every aspect of her physical appearance had changed, it was still Beca beneath it all. Chloe could see her dark eyes and scolding look hiding beneath her softly applied foundation and thick mascara.
She watched as Beca found her from across the room. Her eyes lingered for a fraction of a second before they returned to the waiter. Chloe followed Beca's every move as she approached her. Her hand disappeared through her hair a couple of times, perhaps out of discomfort or embarrassment, Chloe didn't know.
Beca wouldn't look at her the entire walk through the restaurant and Chloe knew she was uncertain how to start a conversation like this, so Chloe got up and took a few big steps towards the girl she hadn't seen in months.
"Ugh, you're smothering me." Beca complained to which Chloe simply hugged her even tighter. Beca laughed before breaking apart and taking a seat. "I can't believe you're here." She said as her eyes stared at Chloe in adoration.
"I know. I haven't seen you since.."
"Graduation." Beca finished. Her lips pulled into a smirk for a fraction of a second and then Beca sucked her lips in to prevent anything more from giving away.
Chloe knew she was remembering what had happened the day of Chloe's graduation and it boosted her confidence to know Beca was thinking about it right now. "Yeah, graduation." Chloe said teasing to drag out the moment. "You look great, Becs." She said eventually.
"Okay, you don't have to mock me." Beca scoffed as she looked around the room, obviously uncomfortable with Chloe's eyes on her.
"No, I'm serious! It's different, but I like it."
"Well, I don't." Beca said and there was a hint of sadness in her smile. "They've been trying to make me look more approachable so more than three people will come to my shows, but they haven't succeeded in that yet."
Chloe laughed, but she wanted to find those people and scold at them for changing Beca. She could see that she wasn't happy with her appearances and to think that she'd have to be someone she's not comfortable with for a job made Chloe angry.
"So you've been having shows?" Chloe asked instead as she finished her wine.
"Just one per week. The Tuesday night that no one wants." Beca sighed as she leaned back into her chair. "I might get Thursday night soon, because Gary is planning on leaving and I'm the only remaining queer person who can take over gay night, so that's good." The girl shrugged.
Chloe cringed at how it sounded, but then laughed at how chill Beca acted over it. "So what do you do the rest of the week?"
"I just help around. It's quite a big club and we're open every day, so when it's not my night or we have an event or something, I just bartend. Sometimes we have people who rent a certain room in the club, so I do the lighting or sounds. Once, the bouncer didn't show up and they placed me outside. Me!" Beca yelled as her hands present her body figure to Chloe, as if she was not at all familiar with it. "Can you imagine this five foot two of nothing acting as a bouncer? It was awful."
Chloe laughed and laughed at Beca's stories and she couldn't remember a time in the last five months where she was so unrestrictedly happy.
"But yeah, they have me mostly behind the bar." Beca smiled tight-lipped after they were done laughing.
"That's not really what you want, though." Chloe had spoken surprisingly honest, something she wasn't sure she had the right to do anymore.
Beca nodded at her as she stared into her empty glass. "No, I guess it's not."
"Are you happy?" Chloe asked. She had already been pushing boundaries and she figured she might as well continue with a question she had been wanting an answer for all night, if not longer.
"Of course I'm happy." Beca said as if it were insulting to think otherwise. "This is my dream. I'm not even twenty yet and I'm working in one of the biggest clubs of America. Just because I have to bartend every now and then doesn't mean anything. Everyone has to do that. We have like, ten DJ's. I'm lucky to even have one night a week."
Chloe smiled and accepted the girl's words. If Beca said she was happy, who was she to think otherwise?
She had made it halfway through dinner with talking about Beca's job and her life in LA without having the tables turn on her, but eventually Beca didn't fall for it anymore.
"Enough about me!" She had sniffed. "Tell me about you. How's life in Kansas? How are your parents?"
Chloe took a big sip of her drink to prepare herself for what was bound to come. "My parents are great." She said in a last attempt to dodge the inevitable.
"That's good." Beca smiled lightheartedly. "So what brings you to LA? How long have you been here for?"
Chloe felt her heart pick up its speed and she knew it was stupid, but her mind was coming up with excuses and lies, anything to prevent Beca from thinking she chased after her.
"Actually, I've been here for a while." Chloe swallowed hard.
"Oh, really? Like a day or two?" Beca asked as she brought a spoonful of food to her mouth.
"More like a month or two. Or three. Three months." Chloe stumbled. She didn't want to lie and she didn't want to downplay her actions. She was relieved to finally be honest and tell Beca the truth, but the truth made her want to cry.
She felt awful for keeping Beca at a distance, especially after seeing her again after all those months and realizing she hadn't changed all that much. She had, but her Beca was still very much present.
Chloe had never lied to Beca before, not once. Not about anything small and definitely not anything as big as this. She had felt bad about it every day for the past three months, but now that her cards were finally on the table, she wanted to break down and cry.
She felt terrible.
"I've been living here for three months." Chloe said carefully, following Beca's every move.
The girl chewed progressively slower on her food until Chloe was sure there was nothing left to chew on. "Living here?" Beca said confused. "What are you talking about?"
"I moved here three months ago and I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Chloe answered fast. She didn't really want to explain why she didn't, she just wanted Beca to know she was sorry.
"Why didn't you tell me you lived here?"
Of course that was Beca's next question.
Chloe had no choice. She knew when she made that deal with herself that one day she'd have to account for it. The thing was, she wasn't sure she could. It didn't even make sense to herself and she doubted telling Beca some incoherent story would convince her of her reasons.
She went with the only explanation she could come up with that would be grounded. The only explanation she knew Beca would understand. Would accept.
"I found an art institute here. I've been taking classes there and I didn't want to tell anyone without making sure I liked it first."
"Beale, I would have understood." Beca scoffed slightly.
"I know, I just made this deal with myself that I wouldn't tell anyone until I was sure this was it for me. I've changed my mind so many times before and Aubrey would kill me if she found out." Chloe smiled apologetic. "I'm really sorry. I should have told you."
"You should have." Beca scolded before laughingly shaking her head, as if she hadn't expected anything less out of her. "So you like it? The art school?"
Chloe smiled and took a deep breath in relief before telling Beca all about the institute, the theater and her roommate Danielle. They talked until they were the only remaining people in the restaurant and the staff was looking at them in desire of their departure. Even though Chloe didn't want the night to end, she felt bad for the employees who seemed to be have been there for a while.
"We should probably go." Chloe said reluctantly. She put on her jacket even though that wasn't necessary in California this time a year. "Where do you live?" She asked as they made it outside.
"A few blocks away." Beca answered nonchalant.
"Where's your car parked?" Chloe asked, hoping it would be a walk she could join the girl on.
"Oh, no. I had a car for like a week and then I got rid of it. I get too angry driving around LA." Beca explained.
Chloe could almost picture the scene.
"Come on, I'll give you a ride." She said.
Of course Beca wouldn't let her drive. Instead, she stole her car keys and jumped behind the wheel.
Chloe was fine with it. It felt like old times. Beca was driving and she was right next to her.
Except it wasn't like old times.
Chloe could easily remember a time where Beca's right hand would rest on her thigh as she navigated them through streets and over highways using her other. Chloe remembered how it made her feel.
Safe.
Loved.
Protected.
She could close her eyes and pretend Beca could bringing her that feeling again. That nothing had changed between them. That Chloe could reach out, grab the girl's face like she always would and kiss her lips.
But Beca's right hand was wrapped firmly around the steering wheel, far away from reliving any past moments of bliss or just the remembrance of simpler times.
Beca's apartment was located in a neighborhood Chloe normally wouldn't go to. Definitely not at night and alone, but she was in a car with Beca Mitchell and she figured nothing bad could happen to her there.
At least nothing of physical harm.
Inside her chest, there was a storm raging that would last long after she would drop Beca off that night.
"You live here?" Chloe asked rather judgmental as she counted the amount of cars in that street with tires missing from their vehicle.
Beca laughed for a second. "Yeah, it's actually quite nice. You wanna come up and see?"
"I'd prefer not unlocking this car right now." Chloe said scared. She heard honking cars and people screaming, which Beca claimed were kids having fun, but sounded like someone was in the middle of getting murdered.
Chloe watched Beca jump out of the car and she had no choice but to overcome her irrational fears and follow.
She wanted to see where and how Beca had lived those five months without her.
She followed the girl up two sets of stairs and eventually into her apartment. There was no clear living room, bedroom or kitchen area. Everything was blended into one. Beca had a large double bed placed in the middle of the apartment with a TV placed in front of it. On the left side of it, Chloe could see a small fridge that seemed to serve as a nightstand as well.
A few feet away, Chloe found what would most likely be the kitchen, except she couldn't tell with all the dirty dishes taking up her view.
She didn't remember Beca as a messy person. She was always the one cleaning up after Chloe. Except for the dirty dishes filling up the girl's sink and a few stray clothing items here and there, the room was impeccable and Chloe pondered shortly if those plates and glasses that would have been a week's worth of just the girl's, had perhaps meant she recently had people over who caused that mess and she hadn't had the time to clean up yet.
Chloe knew Beca would move on from her, in whichever way that meant. Yet it stung to think the girl might have a whole group of friends Chloe knew nothing about. She realized she might even have made a new best friend.
Somehow that hurt more than the idea of Beca dating anyone new.
Although that topic hadn't come up yet and Chloe didn't know if the girl was. It wasn't unthinkable. Five months might not have been an extremely long time, but a lot of big changes happened in both of their lives and especially Beca had to grow up fast in a short amount of time.
Chloe doubted she was mature enough at nineteen to move to one of the biggest cities of America all by herself, leaving behind every familiar face and street she knew to live on her own and try to make it in her chosen career field, which wasn't a very typical one either. She couldn't hide behind a desk or screen. Beca had to go on a stage and introduce people to her created art and hoped the crowd would like it.
Chloe couldn't think of anyone more brave than her friend.
"It's nice." Chloe lied. The apartment had nothing but paint on its walls. No decoration. No photographs. Not even a clock.
It lacked a certain feeling. It felt like someone under witness protection lived here. Anonymous and incognito. Nothing in the apartment made it Beca's and Chloe wondered if she could remember anything Beca Mitchell once had that was truly hers.
The only thing she could come up with was the girl's laptop and her production station. Chloe found it in the outer corner of the room, among others. There was a high placed keyboard she didn't yet know. Something that looked like an electric drum kit, but only forty percent of it. She even had a microphone standing between all of her equipment.
"What is all this?" Chloe asked intrigued as she let her middle finger swipe over the musical keys.
"I've just been trying to make more original stuff." Beca mumbled humble. "It's no big deal. I still play the same old stuff at work."
"Becs! That's amazing!" Chloe yelled excitedly. She had heard hundreds -perhaps thousands- of Beca's mixes in the past and everything always belonged to her. Yes, she mixed different artists' songs together, but she did it in such a way that no one else could put their trademark on it.
But now Beca had been working on her own tracks. Completely and one hundred percent her own. Chloe's mind was blown. She couldn't even imagine coming up with an original song. To create a beat and lyrics that no one had done yet, it was unthinkable for Chloe.
"Let me hear! Play me something." Chloe smiled slightly. She didn't necessarily need to hear anything to be proud of the woman's work. The knowledge of her progress had been enough.
"Maybe some other time." Beca chuckled embarrassed as she handed Chloe a canned beer and sipped on own herself.
"No more Red Bull?" Chloe stated, because her lips wouldn't form a smile. Something hurt her, but she couldn't identify what caused it.
"I'm an adult now, Beale. Adults don't get through the day on caffeine. They use alcohol." Beca said semi-serious as she dropped to her bed, which operated as a couch, too, it seemed. "I still can't believe you've been here for the past three months." Beca sighed heavily.
Chloe thought she saw something shimmer in Beca's dark eyes, but she didn't dare to figure out what it was. "I know, it all went so fast." Chloe spoke as she sat down at the edge of the piece of furniture.
Her days of feeling comfortable on Beca's bed had long past.
"I'm glad you found something you like." Beca told her which felt honest.
"I am, too." Chloe smiled as something made her heart skip a beat. "And I'm glad you did as well. You seem happy, Becs." Chloe complimented, but she wasn't sure if she did. Beca changed more than just the color of her hair and her choice of drink. Chloe didn't know if the makeup she had on covered the bags under her eyes or if the girl's tiredness would show in a less physical matter.
Perhaps Chloe just couldn't tell anymore.
But Beca smiled and Chloe had to remind herself that this life had been the girl's dream for so long. Beca Mitchell was happy and Chloe had to accept that. She couldn't peel off layers searching for something that's not there to reassure her mind that Beca was secretly miserable without having her in her life. She couldn't do that to herself nor to Beca.
"So are you seeing anyone?" Chloe asked blunt. It had been a question she had wanted answered for longer than just the course of this night, but she needed to know -now more than ever- if the girl's happiness was rooted out of another person.
"Oh, okay, you're asking the question." Beca chuckled surprised as she rose to a seated position and chugged down her beer.
"Oh my God, you are!" Chloe yelped out as she poked Beca's side. She laughed and faked her excitement when deep down she wanted to run away and cry in the safety of her locked car.
That was still a very plausible scenario to happen later that night.
"No, no. I'm choosing not to answer." Beca said matter-of-factly. "Because if I answer, then I'd have to ask you, and we both know what your answer will be."
Chloe's mouth fell open in offence. "What are you saying!" Chloe screamed as she hit Beca's arm repeatedly.
"Nothing. Ah, nothing!" Beca winced in pain. "I'm just saying that I think, you know.." She said as if Chloe could easily guess the end of her sentence. "You're dating someone."
"First of all, I can't believe how rude you're being." Chloe acted as if she were upset when in reality she loved that Beca and herself were joking around again. "And for the record, I think you're seeing someone, too."
"Well, I'm not."
Chloe was taken aback by the sudden honesty and it took her a second to catch up. "I'm not either."
Beca progressed the information in a fraction of a second, shrugged in interest and then left her space for a refill.
"I can't believe you just assumed I was in a relationship." Chloe followed her to the small kitchen.
"You did, too!" Beca said defensive.
"I did, because you wouldn't answer the question! You did, because you think I go from one relationship to the other."
"I never said that." Beca smiled satisfied.
"Your eyes gave you away, Becs." Chloe winked as she playfully inched closer, suddenly in Beca's personal space. The act caused the air between them to shift into something more intimate, something that made Chloe's lungs falter and her skin itch.
Chloe knew she could breathe again if only she moved back, but she didn't. Beca was staring at her lips and she knew she'd rather have that blissful suffocation than any amount of fresh air in the world.
Chloe reached out first.
The denim jacket Beca was still wearing felt unfamiliar between her teasing fingertips. She rubbed it slowly, if only to gain time and power in this situation.
Beca stepped closer.
Chloe tried to make it seem like it was her doing, but her hand on the girl's jacket wasn't strong enough and her tugging came too late, causing Beca to bump into her body however slightly.
Chloe watched Beca close her eyes and inhale deeply as she moved in. She awaited in anticipation for what Beca had brought her so many times before.
Fireworks, the cheesy movies Beca hated would say.
Chloe just called it ecstasy.
A moment where Chloe felt her blood rush from the tips of her toes to her head. Just a second of pure bliss. Every ache and open scar inside her body was healed and for as long as Chloe would allow it, there was no world outside of Beca's apartment.
Beca deepened the kiss and the moment was over for Chloe.
Not because of the action, but because Beca tasted like beer. Chloe had kissed Beca after a beer or two before, but it was eye-opening this time.
The Beca she knew drank Red Bull and had dark curls of hair she could pull at. Chloe didn't care what color hair she had or what kind of drink she liked, but it was a bitter realization that she didn't know Beca anymore.
"Wait." She said as she abruptly broke up the kiss and threw her head back. "We're doing it wrong." Chloe whispered.
Beca looked concerned. "Too much tongue?" She asked with a playfulness in her eyes. "Never mind, I forgot who I was talking to. Not enough tongue?" She continued her banter.
Chloe smiled at the accuracy and she knew Beca would always know her in a certain way. However small. And so would she.
"Becs,-" Chloe started serious and she could hear Beca sigh, knowing she was aware that the moment had lost its fun. "The first time, we were living and sleeping together before we even knew each other. I don't want to make the same mistakes again." Chloe felt mature as she put her feelings to words, but part of her wished she could just act young and stupid.
If only for one night.
But she couldn't. Chloe had never had any regrets when it came to her relationship with Beca, not even their rocky start. They didn't do it right, but it still led them to love and Chloe figured it was worth it then. She wouldn't change a thing if she could do that first time over again.
Except they had a redo.
At least that was what it felt like.
They were both single and no longer miles apart. Chloe had the chance to be in Beca's life again and she wanted to jump right in, like she did that day in the shower stalls of a campus that lived on in Chloe's memory.
She was eager to pick up where they had left off so many months ago, as if nothing had happened in that time apart. She wanted to start again as if they were still the same people with the same feelings. She wished to undo the break-up and just kiss her girlfriend again.
Chloe couldn't.
She knew she would get the same outcome if she started this the exact way she did the first time; rushed and impatient. Something would happen and Beca would leave.
Beca would always leave.
"You're right." Beca spoke through clenched teeth and her eyes wouldn't come anywhere near Chloe's figure. She didn't look angry. She just looked tired.
"Look,-" Chloe said as her hands caressed the girl's upper arms. "-I just want to get to know you again, Becs. I love you, but I don't know what's going on in your life anymore. I want us to be best friends, like we used to be."
"I know." Beca sighed. "I want that, too."
For the first time that day, Beca truly looked at her and Chloe could swear it was the same glistering in her pupils that she had seen so many times before. Most of the times, it wouldn't even be during a conversation. Chloe would be painting or dancing around the room and she would find her roommate staring at her, an absent smile curling her lips as she looked at her.
Chloe witnessed that glister moments before they finally became official.
And later when they went their separate ways.
There had been tears involved that specific occasion and heartache -so much heartache-, but there was still that glistering present in Beca's eyes as she told her she loved Chloe.
It would be easy to read into that right now. To assume something so little would mean something huge like love.
Chloe didn't know if she still felt the exact same way about the girl as she did five months back, but she was sure she still loved her. She had always loved Beca and a part of her always would.
But for Beca, it had been different.
Even though Chloe always knew she cared and loved her in her own way, Beca had only ever been able to tell her twice; first in a heated argument and later as she planned to leave her forever.
Love worked different in Beca Mitchell's handbook and Chloe knew that.
She had always known that. She tried to figure it out. She spent nights trying to pretend she was asleep so maybe she'd hear Beca whisper she loved her like a normal, shy person would, but that never happened.
Beca wasn't shy and she wasn't insecure about her feelings. There was just always a part of Chloe that hoped Beca was holding back. That the girl would be able to completely and irrevocably love her, feel it every second of the day in every part of her body and experience the need and desire to express those feelings.
Like it had been for Chloe.
But she knew it would never be like that for Beca and she had accepted that. She had, when she knew Beca chose to be with her and made an effort every day to show her that, in whatever small way possible.
But now that they hadn't been together anymore, not in a relationship way or any other kind, Chloe was unsure.
Secretly, she wanted that reassurance again. She craved to hear about Beca's feelings again or perhaps she longed for a lie. Something that had washed away somewhere in those months they had been separated.
But she knew a confession like that -truthfully told or deceptive- would never be granted to Chloe. And she knew it because that was how Beca worked. She couldn't change her. And she couldn't allow herself to think more of simple gestures.
Chloe couldn't assume a look in Beca's eyes was proof she still cared for her. Loved her perhaps, in her own way. In some way.
It would be enough for Chloe, but she would never get that closure. Beca was not the kind of person who would be able to recognize the feeling, not to mention admit to that out loud, to Chloe.
She wouldn't, because she couldn't. And Chloe understood. She loved her for the complicated mess she was, and she always would. Perhaps that would make her a great friend, if nothing else or more, she would want to be at least that.
After months of being apart from Beca, she missed a friend more than a girlfriend.
She missed being able to rant to her about her day. She wanted to tell her everything about Danielle, and the students in her classes, the kids in the theater and how much the grumpy one resembled Beca.
She wanted to tease her again, laugh with her in the middle of the night and cry on her shoulder in the middle of the day.
She wanted her friend back and whether that was a start for something greater or all it would ever be, Chloe would give anything to make that happen again.
"Friends?" Chloe asked sheepish with a reached out hand.
Beca looked awkward, sulky and tired. Two of those were a constant in Beca Mitchell's personality, but Chloe wondered if she caused the latter. She had hoped that the conversation had drained her. That it was her doing and not something beyond her control. Something greater and more powerful. Something that lived only in Beca's darkest corners of her mind.
"Friends." Beca agreed with a resolute nod and a tight-lipped smile.
The world outside of the young woman's apartment started to roar again, demanding their attention and insisting their recognition to it, but while Beca's hand rested in Chloe's, there was nothing else to acknowledge.
There was only Beca and that damned look in her eyes.