Once upon a time there lived a queen who wished for a daughter with "skin as white as snow" (the queen was a white supremacist), "lips as red as blood" (and a little morbid), and "hair as black as ebony" (ok maybe not THAT supreme). Eventually the queen found out she was pregnant, and grew very excited. Months later she gave birth to her daughter, whom she named "Snow White". However, the queen died shortly after due to complications following childbirth. Grief-struck over his wife's death, the king quickly re-married Absinthe, a wicked, egotistic, materialistic woman of wealth. Absinthe woke up at four o'clock every morning to put on two hundred pounds of makeup and marvel at herself in her magic mirror before her day started at noon. Every day she asked her magic mirror, "Magic mirror in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?" For years, the mirror would reply, "My queen, you are the fairest in the land." This made her happy, since the magic mirror could not tell a lie. However, Snow White was growing more beautiful by the day, and after years passed, the mirror changed its answer, saying "You are old and ugly. Your step-daughter, Snow White, is now the fairest in the land." After an eight-hour temper tantrum which the magic mirror did not survive, Absinthe quickly grew to resent Snow White, and hired a huntsman to kill Snow White in the woods.

On the next day, the huntsman took Snow White deep into the woods, but dropped dead of no apparent reason before he had the chance to kill her. Snow White, now lost and alone in the woods, suddenly noticed a cottage in the distance. "I know! Since I have no respect for others' property, I'll break into that shady cottage in the distance and take a quick nap!" she exclaimed. She then proceeded to break into the cabin and fall asleep in the first bed she saw.

The cottage belonged to seven foul-mouthed, ill-tempered midgets who claimed they worked in the mine digging for diamonds but actually spent their days drinking at the local pub. To be nice we will pretend they are dwarves. They returned home that night to find Snow White in one of the beds. Angry, they immediately woke her up and forced her to do free labor. Snow White, who never had to lift a finger growing up, was apparently allergic to hard work since simple household tasks seemed to cause her to fall ill.

Meanwhile Absinthe, who had replaced her magic mirror with a new one, asked it. "Magic mirror in my hand, who's the fairest in the land?" When the magic mirror revealed to her that Snow White was still alive, she, after another eight-hour temper tantrum resulting in the death of the new magic mirror, disguised herself as an old peasant and set out to find Snow White. She took with her an apple she had injected with cyanide, which she would attempt to feed Snow White.

Eventually Absinthe arrived at the dwarfs' cottage. Upon knocking on the door, Snow White answered.

"Free apple?" asked Absinthe, holding out the poisoned apple.

"Yes please!" exclaimed Snow White.

Obviously Snow White is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Not only did she naively accept an apple from a complete "stranger", but upon accepting it she took a huge bite out of it, and died immediately. And no, "true love's kiss" did not bring her back to life or any of that bull crap. The apple KILLED her. She DIED. It is physiologically impossible. Good night, kids.

THE END