Warning: Lots of swearing. Like, lots.

Nick doesn't know how this happened, he swears.

Well... alright, fine. Maybe he does. Kind of.

The fucking council and his soft heart.

(He'll swear up and down that he's as cold as stone, but ask anybody and they'll laugh in your face.)

Tony Stark is the first.

17 and a bit too big for his breeches, the arrogant heir to Stark Industries has just returned from his "trip" to Afghanistan and is being "reintroduced to the culture".

Which is to say that the kid has PTSD a bit early and Nick swears he doesn't deal with this kind of shit except he kind of does and for some reason the council thinks it's a great idea for him to adopt the fucking kid.

Just... what the fuck.

What the serious fuck.

What part of Nick, as in, sharp, potty mouthed, I-don't-do-emotions Nick Fury, seems like he'd be a good parental figure?

Especially for a kid who's so obviously mentally scarred.

And yet, here he is, in front of a fucking 17 year old, and trying very hard to censor himself because Hill (why, Hill) has set up a Swear Jar.

Let him repeat this, because the concept is so ridiculous and horrifying that Nick just has to repeat it.

Maria fucking Hill has made a Swear Jar for Nick swears-every-other-sentence Fury.

Something is wrong here.

So, utterly, completely, wrong.

He's going to be bankrupt by the end of the day.

The kid is exactly as his profile described him, loud and arrogant and rude and trying to play cocky despite the fact that he flinches around water. His fingers twiddle around his little machine, ever moving, never stopping, rearranging wires perfectly even as his sharp eyes remain on Fury's face.

Nick gives him a quick once over, scrunches up his nose, and says, "You have a workshop and a bedroom. Don't tell me about your sex, and I'll pretend I don't notice."

Stark grins at him, all thin lips and bared teeth, and makes an obnoxious comment about Nick's sex life.

Oh, it almost makes this whole situation worth it, that Stark is so obviously going to stay out of his way and not prod.

Almost.

But he knows that he'll still have to deal with the kid, both parties willing or not.

Nick doesn't even bother responding, just raises an eyebrow and adds, "There's a pool out back. I'm sure you'll enjoy it."

It's a low blow, he can tell by the way that Stark immediately stills, fingers freezing and smile drooping. Then he snarls, harsh and tight, "I will," and Nick grins.

The kid, he can tell, refuses to be cowed by anybody.

If he were only a bit older, Nick could recruit him to join SHIELD. Fight for him, be on his team.

But he's young, and while Nick is a soldier and this wouldn't typically be an issue, it's peacetime and he would rather not drag a minor into his own mess called a life.

"Oh, I know you will," Nick mirror's Stark's smile, bared teeth and curled lips. "I look forwards to your moving in."

"I'd say likewise," The kid sneers, "But I barely know you."

"We'll change that," Nick promises, and Stark just rolls his eyes.

"I'll be gone by the end of the week," He promises.

Nick laughs.

The kid is so, utterly wrong.