Poison Ivy's Birthday Bash

"Did you ever imagine your life would turn out like this?" sighed Harley Quinn dreamily, as she watched her twin children, Arleen and J.J., chasing each other around the room, screaming as they wielded child-size weapons.

"Did I ever imagine I would be the wife of a famous supercriminal who believes in frightening people to death with his own brand of fear toxin?" asked Emilia Crane, as she nursed her baby daughter Katrina. "No, I can't say I did. Although of course I'm terribly pleased about it."

"I was thinking more about being a mother to such wonderful kiddies," said Harley, nodding at them. "It's amazing to watch 'em grow day by day, learning things we take for granted, like walking or talking or handling weapons. But, y'know, wife of a famous supercriminal is good too. At least, I imagine it would be, if Mr. J would ever pop the question," she added.

"Well, I did always imagine I'd have children," said Emilia, nodding. "Although perhaps…not in such quick succession," she added, carefully stroking her bulging belly. "But these things do happen."

"That's what Mr. J said when I told him I was pregnant," said Harley, nodding. "But he still blamed me entirely for it, and wouldn't go near me for weeks afterward."

"How very…gallant of him," said Emilia, slowly.

"Aw, he's over it now," said Harley, waving her hand. "Mr. J's just crazy about the kiddies, just like I knew he would be. Although I sometimes do wish he was home a bit more, to spend a little more time with them. I mean, don't get me wrong, he's around as much as he can be, but it's never really been…just him and the kiddies. He's never got to bond with them one-on-one. I'm always kinda around to…supervise them. Must be similar with you and Johnny, huh?" she asked.

"Actually, we try and share everything as much as possible," said Emilia. "I'll look after Katrina by myself when Jonathan has a scheme, but when he's not working, he tries to give me days where I can work on my writing in peace. Of course the baby does need feeding regularly, and that's fairly unavoidable, but he'll handle all the crying and messes and things."

"Yeah? That sounds…nice," said Harley, slowly.

"Well, the nicest is when we can both be home with Katrina and be a family, of course," said Emilia. "And I'll bet it's the same for you and the Joker."

"Yeah," agreed Harley, smiling. "Anyway, I ain't sure I trust Mr. J home alone with them. He's not the most responsible of men."

"I would never have guessed that," said Emilia, hoping she didn't sound too sarcastic.

The door was kicked open at that moment. "Harley, remember when I said we might need to look into getting a new car?" asked the Joker, as he strode in, dripping wet.

"Uh…yeah," said Harley.

"Well, we need to do that ASAP," said Joker, nodding. "The car's at the bottom of the Gotham River now."

"How did that happen?" asked Harley.

"Well, I was being chased by the Bat, and he shoots this kinda Bat-grappling hook onto the back of the car, and starts reeling it in. So I head across the bridge, turn sharply, send the car through the railing and into the water. He's closely attached, so he comes barreling into the water right after me. I hope he got out, but I'm sure he did. He always escapes my death-traps, so a little sinking car should be no sweat. Needless to say, I didn't stick around to find out."

"Puddin', we had the kiddies' car-seats in there," sighed Harley. "You know how expensive those are?"

"It ain't the expense I'm worried about – more the Riddler-like torture of putting 'em together," said Joker. "Setting 'em up is about as complicated as one of his riddles, and probably a bit more tedious. Though it's a high bar."

"Daddy's home!" squealed both Arleen and J.J., racing over to embrace their father.

"Hey, how are my little maniacs today?" cooed Joker, kissing them both. "Hope you've caused lots of fun and mayhem while Daddy's been away!"

"Puddin', you got dirty river water all over you," sighed Harley. "You know the kinda crap people throw in there? Trash and gangland snitches and stuff – it's disgusting. Could you maybe take a shower before hugging the kiddies? I don't want them getting whatever disease is in the river."

"Right now, it's a nasty case of Batman-itis!" chuckled Joker. "And maybe a case of Scarecrow-itis too!"

"Jonathan was with you?" asked Emilia, concerned. "Is he all right?"

Her question was answered as someone else suddenly kicked open the door. "You idiot!" roared Jonathan Crane, storming inside the room also dripping wet. "First you drive us into the river, and then you just abandon me in the sinking car?!"

"It's called survival of the fittest, Johnny," retorted Joker. "And it's important for the improvement of the human race that people with undesirable traits, like people who can't get outta sinking cars on their own, be wiped from the earth so their useless genes don't pass on and infect the population. It's sad and brutal, but that's nature for you."

"First of all, I have a child, and another on the way!" snapped Crane. "So it's a little late for that! And second of all, that's the most pathetic excuse I've ever heard for being a coward who abandons his collaborator…"

"Ok, we're not collaborators," interrupted Joker. "We just happened to be robbing the same place at the same time, and my car was the nearest getaway vehicle when the Bat showed up. Maybe you shoulda used your own car if you're so particular about how I drive mine."

"You drove it off the bridge into the river!" shouted Crane. "I don't think it's unreasonable to object to that!"

"Well, how else would you have escaped the Bat, smarty pants?" asked Joker. "If I hadn't driven the car into the river, he'd probably have caught us, and we'd both be in Arkham right now, instead of surrounded by our loving families. Of course in your case, I'm sure Emilia would have thanked me."

"You son of a…" began Crane.

"Jonathan, language!" snapped Emilia. "And you're upsetting the baby with your yelling!" she added, as Katrina began to cry. "Just try to calm down and be civil."

"Calm down?!" repeated Crane. "After what he did?!"

"He's the Joker, Jonathan – he's going to be unpredictable," retorted Emilia. "It's just in his nature."

"See, even your wife is on my side," said Joker, sticking his tongue out. "You're all right, sweetheart, and far, far too good for this loser," he said, gesturing at Crane. "Admit it, you would have thanked me if he had drowned."

"Actually, I would prefer if, in future, Joker, you don't put my husband in situations where he could possibly drown," said Emilia. "Just please avoid them if possible."

"You got it," said Joker, nodding. "Now Daddy's gonna go change," he said, patting his children on the head. "Who wants to help him burn his wet clothes afterward?"

"I do! I do!" cried both Arleen and J.J.

"Good! I'll teach you how to build a bonfire," said Joker.

"Not in the house!" called Harley, as Arleen and J.J. ran after their father, giggling excitedly.

"We should head home and get you changed too, Jonathan," said Emilia, standing up and handing Katrina to him. "Though I think washing your clothes will do, instead of burning them."

There was a knock on the door suddenly. "I'll get it!" said Harley, skipping over. She opened the door and beamed. "Red, what a pleasant surprise!"

"Hello, Harley," said Poison Ivy. "Hope I'm not interrupting anything?" she asked, noticing the Cranes.

"Nah, we were just having a little playgroup session while the men were working," said Harley.

"Were they working underwater?" asked Ivy, studying Crane.

"I don't want to talk about it," he muttered, heading out the door. "We'll be in the car."

"What brings you to our little ha-hacienda?" asked Harley, gesturing Ivy inside.

"I actually just came to give you an invitation," said Ivy, handing her an envelope. "As you probably know, it's my birthday next week…"

"Yeah, a big one, ain't it?" asked Harley. "Over the hill, right?"

"No," said Ivy, hastily.

"Yeah, I think it is," said Harley, frowning. "You're three years older than me, so it's the big…"

"It's not!" interrupted Ivy. "It's not a special occasion birthday – I just want to have a big party this year."

"Why, if it ain't a special occasion?" asked Harley.

"Because it's my birthday, and I feel like it," retorted Ivy. "Anyway, as you can see from the invite, it's girls only. There's gonna be some…adult entertainment that only women will enjoy."

"Well, gee, Red, I can't come to that," said Harley, frowning. "The kiddies are too young to see things like that."

"The kiddies aren't invited," retorted Ivy. "It's a grown-up party, for women only. And you're the only one who's invited."

"But…but who's gonna look after the kiddies?" asked Harley, confused.

"Maybe that useless man who fathered them could do it, for once," snapped Ivy.

"On his own?" asked Harley. "Without supervision?"

"For God's sake, Harley, he's their father!" snapped Ivy. "He should be able to look after them for one evening on his own without incident!"

"I dunno, Red – Mr. J's kinda known for creating incidents," said Harley, looking worried.

"Harley, you have to come," retorted Ivy. "You're my best friend, and it wouldn't be the same without you. Plus it's actually kinda hard to find women friends to invite to a women only party, so I need all of them I can get. For some reason, I seem to have alienated most of my other women friends."

"What about Emilia?" asked Harley. "Can she come?"

"Sure, the more the merrier," said Ivy, nodding at Emilia. "I don't have an invite handy, but you can get the details from Harley's."

"Oh, that's…very flattering," stammered Emilia. "I would have to check with Jonathan, of course..."

"You don't need his permission to do things, you know," snapped Ivy. "You're his wife, not his servant!"

"I mean…to make sure he's free to look after Katrina," finished Emilia.

"It's next Saturday evening, 7 o'clock," said Ivy. "Be there, both of you, or be traitors to women-kind. See you then," she said, heading out the door.

"You know, I think I understand the reason why she's alienated her other women friends," commented Emilia. "But it's nice to be invited. Not being a supervillain myself, I've always felt a little left out of these get-togethers."

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be lots of fun," said Harley. "I'm just a little worried about leaving the kiddies with Mr. J. I mean, I'm sure he wouldn't let anything happen to them on purpose, but accidents can happen…"

"Do you smell smoke?" asked Emilia, suddenly.

The door to the bedroom burst open, and Joker rushed out with Arleen and J.J. in his arms. "Bad news, Harl – the bonfire caught the mattress, and then the curtains, and we should probably get outta the building right away."

"What did I tell you about doing that inside?!" shrieked Harley.

"I don't know – I don't listen to you!" snapped Joker. "Now get out before the room explodes – I might have left a gasoline can in there to add to the fire. You know, for funsies."

Needless to say, as everyone evacuated the building and the fire consumed it, Harley's worries were not at all assuaged.