Pretense
Chapter 6 | Apex

"Rem, wait, your jacket," Sirius called, jogging after the werewolf's retreating form.

His voice carried easily through the night air, which was almost shockingly quiet after the commotion of the bar. Black caught up enough to place the jacket on his shoulders, hands trailing down to rub his arms.

Remus shrugged violently and shoved him off. Caught off balance, Sirius actually had to catch himself against the brick wall.

"This is why I don't drink around you when the moon's so close," Lupin growled, pulling the jacket on roughly and continuing down the street. "You weren't supposed to show up out of nowhere like that."

His accusing tone unleashed hot anger into Sirius' blood like a direct injection to his veins.

"Don't blame me for what's going on here! You're the one acting crazy!" Black shouted, pushing himself off the wall of the club.

This caused Remus to stop walking, and a sharp, dark laugh burst from him, exhalation visible in the cold. He turned on his heel and stormed up on Sirius with such intensity that he backed right back up into the wall. Lupin gripped Black by the front of his shirt, and electricity sparked when his fingers brushed his chest.

"Are you really so surprised?" He hissed.

His gaze flickered over his friend's startled expression, but before Sirius could respond he continued.

"No, I suppose it makes sense that you'd be caught off guard. You didn't know me when I was small, when I had less control…"

Sirius had enough presence of mind not to rub it in his friend's face just how out of control he was acting at that very moment, but in his shaken state he nonetheless couldn't help saying something almost just as foolhardy.

"What are you gonna do, fight me?" He challenged, forcing more bravado into his voice than he was truly feeling.

He'd instinctually tensed and puffed his chest out. His hands reflexively formed fists even though he knew he'd never lay a hand on Moony. In the back of his mind, he was deeply saddened that a small part of him doubted whether the feeling was mutual.

"Yes, Sirius," Lupin bit out. "I want to fight you."

His face was very close to Black's. Green eyes bore into grey as if trying to read his mind.

"Lord knows that would be easier," Remus said, and there was a sudden, strange sadness underneath his frustration, a sort of weariness.

"Easier? Easier than what?" Black breathed.

The animagus felt hope stirring in his chest and struggled to quell it. That couldn't be what Remus was thinking, but the vivid memory of their most recent kiss told him differently. Surely he wasn't imagining the desire buried under his friend's agitation?

All at once, Lupin seemed to come back to himself. He blinked, letting go of Sirius' shirt as if it was threaded with silver.

"Never mind, I'm sorry. Just forget it," Remus said, voice dripping in shame. He shook his head and averted his eyes.

"It's not your fault; it's mine. I broke my own rule. I'm not myself." He rambled, turning to walk away.

"Oh, no you don't!" Sirius said and grabbed his wrist. He had no idea what he was doing, but he had to do something.

Remus froze at the contact.

"Let go," he said in a dead, yet somehow pleading voice.

This only made Sirius want to hold on tighter, because the tone was familiar. It was a torn voice he often heard echoed in his own thoughts.

"No, stop using the moon as an excuse when you're finally letting yourself feel something all the way," Black said. "And while you're at it, stop using being drunk or high as an excuse, too."

Here Remus turned, anger and confusion plainly showing. The jumble of emotions on his face almost made him look like a different person. Sirius realized in that moment just how carefully neutral Lupin's face usually was.

Black cleared his throat shortly with a fleeting thought. Prove you belong in Gryffindor, you sorry prat.

"I know you're using cop outs like that because I've been doing the same thing ever since we first kissed."

Remus flinched and wrenched free from Black's grasp.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he said lowly, and started walking away with more vigor. Sirius followed doggedly.

"You knew what happened the whole time, didn't you? Neither of us were that out of it."

Remus stopped walking, having blindly steered himself into a dead-end alley. He kept his back to Sirius.

"This isn't funny," he said, and the hurt in his voice felt like a snake wrapping around Sirius, making it difficult to breathe.

"Remus, look at me, please."

Lupin turned around. His face had gone stony, hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets.

"I'm not laughing. I wouldn't joke about this," Sirius said.

A long pause settled heavily between them, wherein a soft, nearly invisible snowfall began. The lycanthrope took a deep, shaky breath.

"You remembered?" He said finally.

Sirius swallowed around the lump in his throat.

"I never forgot."

"You never… forgot?" Remus echoed, color draining swiftly from his face.

His legs appeared to become unsteady, as his knees bent slightly. He took a half step backward, then another. His eyes were like those of a cornered animal. His gaze flickered over Black's shoulder, focusing towards the only available escape route.

Lupin's fearful expression brought a grim feeling of déjà vu over Sirius. He recalled the time 5 years prior when he, James, and Peter approached Remus about his mysterious disappearances. Black remembered seeing tears in his friend's eyes for the first time. Remus had fled, outpacing them easily.

In the end, though, he hadn't made it very far. Sirius remembered skidding around a corner to see Remus slow, stumble, and collapse in a heap at the end of the hall. The stone corridor had seemed miles long at that point, but Sirius had reached Lupin first, finding him pale and shaking, verging on unconsciousness from hyperventilation.

The pureblood had never witnessed a panic attack before, had never seen someone scared as if for their life. It was painful and terrifying, and Sirius made a silent vow that he'd do everything in his power to prevent his friend from feeling that way again.

"Please don't run, Remus. Please, it's okay."

The werewolf just shook his head. His eyes told Black just how confused and hurt he'd been the past few months. He'd been feeling the same as Sirius himself.

"I'm so sorry I didn't say anything. I thought you forgot, or at least that you wanted to forget, so I played dumb," Sirius confessed.

His voice sounded alien to himself. It was quiet, but roughened around the edges with a depth of emotion he hadn't quite realized he was capable of. It was deeply unnerving, but he pushed forward.

"The kiss was… amazing, but I was scared and embarrassed. You go out with girls and—"

"It's a cover up," Lupin blurted, and he actually jumped slightly at his own words.

It was plain that this was the first time Remus ever admitted this, even to himself. Renewed hope bloomed inside Black.

"Rem-" he began, but was cut off.

"I was scared too, you know? More than scared," he said. Voice a bit higher than normal, he suddenly looked very young and small, face reddened from cold.

Carefully, Sirius closed the distance between them, his foot falls sounding unnaturally loud. He embraced his friend, and Remus didn't push him away, although he didn't relax or move his arms from his sides. Lupin seemed almost in a trance.

"You spend so long conditioning yourself… to be alone," he said through gritted teeth. "Use so much energy every day to drill it into your head that it's better for you, saferfor everyone, if you just keep to yourself."

"Stay in control. Erase your feelings. Don't you dare think about how unfair everything is, because soon you won't be able to think of anything else." Uncharacteristic bitterness crept into his tone, and he caught himself raising his voice. He checked his anger with careful breathing.

Sirius wracked his jumbled brain for some sort of response, but before he could find one, Remus spoke again, voice softened into a monotone mumble.

"It doesn't matter how good you try to be, how helpful, or smart. It doesn't matter how cold and lonely you are, because you're not even a… a person."

A shudder that Sirius could tell finally allowed tears to fall shook the body in his arms and he held on tighter. He moved one hand in slow circle, willing the motion to soothe his friend, meld together his broken pieces. Remus shifted, taking his hands from his pockets.

"Just having friends was a miracle. Anything beyond that…"

A broken shadow of laughter sounded in Sirius' ear. The soft, hopeless sound called burning tears to gather behind his eyes. Uncertain hands were on his back now, rubbing so gently up and down.

"I mean, that's just greedy, isn't it?" Remus said, the motion of his hands speeding up.

"I don't… I don't deserve that," Lupin gripped the leather of Sirius' jacket, arms squeezing convulsively.

"How could anyone… care enough?"

At last Black found his voice.

"Okay Moony, that's enough. You need to stop and listen to me, right now," he said firmly, and Remus fell silent.

"You deserve love more than most. You're a good person- and yes, I mean person. You're just a normal person with a terrible condition, and you handle it with more grace than any of us ever could."

"You don't know that," he answered lowly. "But I would never want you to have to find out, any of you."

"I know, and I know it's hard, but please try to believe me- you're more human than a lot of people. You're one of those rare people that cares at least a little bit about every single person they meet."

Lupin didn't deny this point. He released a lingering sigh, arms relaxing a bit.

"Your view of yourself is terribly distorted if you think you're hard to love. It's simple, actually. Would you like a list of reasons? I have a list, you know."

Remus brought his head down, chin landing heavily on Sirius' shoulder.

"There's no list," he mumbled.

Sirius cleared his throat, half for dramatic effect and half out of nerves. They were still holding each other, and Sirius was grateful that the close contact hadn't been broken because he was not sure if he had the guts to face Lupin just yet.

"I love the way you always give the bigger piece of chocolate away, how you treat books like little living things, never slamming them, sitting them away from the sun."

Lupin's grip on Black renewed its previous strength.

"And your voice… Merlin, I love the way you talk. It's so calm, but everything you say carries so much weight. Then there's the polite few seconds you wait after a tough question is asked in class, to give other people a chance. And you're so patient and encouraging when you're teaching someone something. Honestly, you're so brilliant it's kind of intimidating."

Remus rested his forehead on Black's shoulder, shaking his head.

"I love your sarcastic sense of humor, and how you're not afraid to use your wit to put someone in their place when the situation calls for it. Mind you, I don't exactly feel like I deserved that remark in the bar, about chasing pretty faces, but I'm willing to forget about it as long as it doesn't happen again."

Lupin was shaking with silent laughter now, which only encouraged Sirius. He patted his friend on the back excitedly.

"Oh! And that little frown that comes on your face when you find a gray hair in the mirror. I only wish you wouldn't pull them out because they give you character, and in time I can totally see you being a sexy silver wolf."

Remus threw his head back and laughed outright. He leaned back, hands moving to rest on Sirius' shoulders, squeezing. He was mostly composed when he finally met Black's gaze, but the intense emotion in his eyes quieted him instantly.

"I even love the things about you that seem bad," Sirius asserted, eyes absolutely smoldering. He tugged Lupin closer again, just a little suddenly, so that the werewolf gasped. Remus pressed himself against Sirius and his knees felt wobbly.

"I love how your eyes change with the moon. I love that you don't laugh easily, because when you do, it means so much more," Black whispered, nuzzling into Remus' neck.

"Your laugh is beautiful," he said.

Mouth a bit open, spilling brief warmth unto Lupin's skin, Sirius placed a kiss on his cheek, then his neck, but lower than before, nearing his shoulder. His lips teased the edge of the wolf's scar.

Remus was shocked that he didn't feel the urge to pull away at Black's boldness. He shivered as the sensitive area was reached.

Lupin hated his scars more than anything else about his body, but the scar of the wound that turned him stood out most. The gruesome talisman reminded him most starkly of the worst moment of his life. With its uneven texture it screamed at him, You're a monster. With its sickly brown hue it whispered, You're broken.

Sirius' unflinching kiss felt like acceptance, a blessing and cleansing of his most despised feature. After so many years living with his curse, it was in that moment that Remus truly started accepting that he wasn't irrevocably ruined, that he may very well be whole and worthy.

"Your laugh is, without a doubt, my favorite sound in the world," Black murmured with a tinge of finality in his voice that conveyed that the time for words was over.

Sirius pulled back slightly to meet eyes with Remus again. One hand reached up to his neck, fingers tangling in his hair. He applied soft pressure, guiding Lupin to meet him.

A low moan escaped from Remus, an exhausted, relieved sound. He curled an arm slowly around Black's shoulder while the other fell to wrap around his waist to pull him even closer, eliciting a pleased hum from the brunette.

Distantly, Remus thought there should not be any space or light between them. Their clothes and skin seemed to have become hindrances. Suddenly their bodies felt too solid. A dim, irrational anger unfurled in Lupin's gut at this realization, but it dwindled quickly like a sped-up film of a flower blooming brightly and then dying.

Finally, they kissed fully. It was a kiss whose energy was not timid like their first, and lacked the frantic spontaneity of the second. This kiss was steady, purposeful, and bright—like a deep swift river reflecting the sun—because at last their minds were clear and hearts wide open.

| end |

Author's Note: Thank you so much for reading the first fan work I've shared in ages. I'm so grateful for every comment, follow, and favorite! I realize this story is told often, but I hadn't yet shared my version, and it felt really good. I've quite a few more works in progress, so hopefully this isn't the last you'll see from me.

Much love from,
the-throwaway-account