Pretense

Chapter 1 | Letters

Early in the summer holidays after 6th year, Sirius Black got into an especially intense argument with his mother. She had expressed dire disappointment that the Ministry of Magic (by an alarmingly narrow margin) failed to garner enough votes to lawfully restrict the voting rights of werewolves.

"The very idea that those drooling, mindless beasts have a voice in any government activity is simply appalling. Filthy things should all be put down," she spat.

Suffice it to say, Sirius hadn't been able to hold his tongue.

After locking himself back in his bedroom, Sirius reflexively pulled out a black leather journal he wrote into whenever his thoughts overwhelmed him. But as he sat down at his desk, the quill hovered over the parchment, suddenly hesitant. Black realized he didn't feel like writing to no one, or rather, to himself. He needed someone else to hear him.

When the first person to come to mind was Remus, Sirius told himself it was because of the werewolf law argument, or perhaps because Moony was the one who had suggested journaling for stress relief in the first place.

He expertly ignored the fact that he'd been longing to talk or write to Remus about more than Quidditch, music, and prank ideas for a very long time, but had felt an absurd shyness about it. That he wanted to tell Lupin about his earliest memories, his most secret dreams, and oldest fears was hidden away with all the stubborn determination of a teenage boy in denial.

His hand shook just slightly, and only at the start of the letter, as the longer he wrote the more it felt right to be telling the bookish Marauder what was truly on his mind.

He found himself telling Lupin things even James didn't know details about— how his mother used to drink too much, throw things, and hit him when he was younger, and how she seemed to have calmed down after he left for Hogwarts.

Sirius hadn't realized until writing to Remus that he felt a quiet but deep-rooted guilt regarding the timing of his mother's alcoholism recovery. It seemed she was able to control herself more only after he was away from her. Even though she stubbornly held on to horrid ideals, she was still his mother and it hurt to know he could apparently cause her so much disappointment and stress that she turned to alcohol.

It was only after putting the note in the envelope that a sense of finality and apprehension struck Sirius again, and he had the fleeting thought to rip up or burn the letter. Instead, he sent the owl away quickly before he could change his mind.

He was more than a little nervous while waiting for a reply, but luckily he didn't have to wait long. It seemed as though Remus wrote back immediately.

He's probably just bored. Sirius thought to himself when the letter arrived faster than usual.

He was relieved but not altogether surprised when Remus took the suddenly more personal letter format in perfect stride. Moony responded to Black's revelations with compassion that was somehow not tinged with pity, and Sirius was infinitely grateful.

Lupin surprised Black by recounting his own guilt concerning his parents, how their once modest but stable wealth was dwindled from looking for a cure for his condition, and traveling to avoid his secret being discovered. He explained how his parents lost their closest friends, and seemed to age the span of 10 years within the first year of his lycanthropy. He told Sirius that some strange part of him wished they could have been angry with him instead of themselves, as illogical as that was.

He told Sirius how their self-hatred and guilt hurt him, how their sad smiles and pity burned him like "dozens of tiny silver needles twisting into the back of my neck". Sirius was at times taken aback by the vivid way Remus expressed himself, his phrasing bordering on poetic. Black found that he could clearly hear Moony's voice in his mind as he read, and he wondered if the same was true for his writing. He hoped so, even if his style was decidedly less polished.

Emboldened by the cushioning effect of physical and temporal distance, Sirius wound up asking Remus more about his condition. He was amazed at how many aspects of his friend's life were affected by the wolf's bite.

Remus explained how a large reason why he was so obsessive about following the rules at school, especially early on, was because he grew up thinking he would never be allowed to step foot inside Hogwarts. He didn't want to give anyone a reason to expel him or doubt his right to be there. Sirius felt a wave of guilt wash over him at this thought, although nothing in Remus' words implied any blame. He found himself apologizing when he wrote back, but Lupin assured him he was responsible for all his own actions.

Moony talked about how there were entire groups of witches and wizards who believe werewolves shouldn't be allowed to practice magic at all, that their Dark nature made them inherently evil and far too dangerous. He explained that because of this, ever since finding out he's be allowed to gain a proper magical education, he vowed to study harder than anyone, especially in Defense Against the Dark Arts, to counterbalance his Dark blood and earn the respect and trust of those bitter, faceless masses. He wanted to prove them all wrong.

This stubborn side of Remus was new to Sirius, and he felt an additional kindred bond to him. He replied in words with what he'd always tried to convey with his actions— his determination to prove that not all those carrying the name of Black name were rotten. He longed to assert that he was separate from his family, disconnected from their ancient traditions of closed-mindedness and cruelty.

In the next letter, Remus began by asserting "From all the time I've known you, I can conclude quite easily that you are a Black by name only. Your mentality and point of view are entirely your own, and it's one of my favorite things about you". Black felt a pocket of warmth unfold in his chest as he read and re-read the beginning of the letter. He stored that letter in the drawer at his bedside instead of at his desk.

Sirius found out that even smaller aspects of Lupin's life were colored by his lycanthropy. He had never known Remus had longed to try out to be a Beater on the Quidditch team, but he was afraid he wouldn't be able to keep the strength of his swing reasonable in the heat of competition. He was afraid of someone getting hurt.

Sirius had no way to know that, in a similar vein, the brain power behind the Marauder's schemes loved the feeling of regimented, repetitive exercise because it helped him feel in control of his body that "doesn't always feel like my own, even in human form". Remus explained that he felt conflicted at the very idea of working out. He wanted to be fit to withstand his transformations as well as possible, but he also dreaded the thought of giving the wolf any additional power.

The way Remus wrote of the layers of complication in his mind and life deepened Black's respect for him. He always had other's needs prioritized over his own, and seemed so patient about the endless sacrifices that were made for the sake of secrecy and safety.

Sirius always knew Moony was compassionate and complex, of course, but only now did he get a close insight into his friend's level of self-awareness and strength of character. Remus seemed so much more grown than someone their age had any right to be, and Sirius found himself truly infatuated.

With just a couple weeks until school started again, Black received a letter that seemed to have been written with more haste than previous notes. Sirius noticed the handwriting seemed a little large and the lines of text angled downward. The letter was brief, almost more of a check-in, except for the end where it was written

… I had been seeing a girl for most of the summer, and she broke it off with me today. I saw it coming easily, but didn't try to stop it. I find myself more angry than sad.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I know I won't be able to trust anyone— not in that way. And how can they trust me when I have to lie about what I am? It's really unfair for everyone involved.

Sometimes I surprise myself with my selfishness. I wish I was mature enough to feel stupid without getting angry, but I'm not there yet.

Oh well, it's over with now, and the distance would have been hard to deal with, anyway. I'll be very glad to be back at school, that's for certain.

… I suppose that's enough melodrama for now. Thanks for reading, Padfoot.

— Rem

Sirius' chest unexpectedly felt tight as he read, as multiple emotions fought for dominance. He was jealous that Remus had been seeing a girl, he was disappointed that it was a girl in the first place, he was glad they broke up, but he was sad that his friend felt so lonely.

Taking a deep breath, Sirius brought out parchment and began writing back. He found himself avoiding the topic of the breakup up until he was about to sign his name. He shook his head and told himself he was being stupid. It would be rude, and possibly even suspicious, not to address the entire last part of Lupin's letter. He dipped his quill into the inkwell, brow furrowed in thought. Finally he wrote:

… I'd say try not to worry so much about girls, Moony. We're quite young, after all! There's plenty of time to meet someone special. They say stuff like that usually happens when you least suspect it, so maybe try looking in unexpected places…? I'm honestly not too sure, haha.

I'm also glad to be seeing you, James, and Peter soon. Everything in it's proper time, I guess. Talk to you later.

3 Sirius

It wasn't until Black re-read the letter that he noticed he had drawn a small heart next to his name. After some thought, he decided not to change it. He told himself it was harmless, friendly affection. After all these personal letters, there was no denying this new level of closeness, right?

Nevertheless, he found himself gritting his teeth as he watched the owl take flight. He knew Remus would notice, but had no idea how he'd respond.

Sirius didn't receive a letter back until two days before school was to begin. He didn't seem in total control of his body as he ripped open the note, eyes jumping to his friend's signature. When he saw how the letter was signed, he released a breath he hadn't been aware of holding. The letter ended simply:

3 Remus

Although he realized he was being ridiculous, Sirius couldn't fight the grin tugging at his mouth.

Author's Note: Reviews are very welcome and will probably get me to update faster! It's been ages since I posted any fan writing, so it'd be nice to know if I was doing an "okay" job. :) Also, just so ya'll know, this story is set up to have 5 chapters, and right now this is the longest one.

All the best,
TTA