Chapter 1

Amanda Rollins stared straight ahead at the clock on the wall counting the hours, minutes, and seconds that it had been since Charles Patton had been stopped for good. The look he had given her as he was led out; straight into her blue eyes trying to make her feel like she had still lost. Amanda knew she had won; and the other girls, too, but Amanda still blamed herself. It was now lunch and the precinct was filling with the chatter of lunch break.

"Hey Rollins," Fin called out as Carisi and him walked into Amanda's view.

"What?" Amanda said quickly with her blonde hair flying over her shoulder as her head turned snapping out of her daze.

"We picked up some meatball sandwiches from down the street," Fin replied.

"We got one for you," Carisi said placing a tin trapped sandwich on her desk.

Usually, Amanda would have happily taken the sandwich and scarfed it down while laughing with the boys, but today the smell was making her nauseous with the slight stinch. Amanda's stomach was turning in circles and she knew she had to get away. Amanda stood up quickly as her eyes went a little blotchy as her head spinned.

"I'm not really feeling hungry right now y'all," Amanda said trying to look sorry.

"We'll make sure you eat something soon, Rollins," Olivia said walking up behind them eyeing Amanda with a stern look before heading to her office.

"Yep. I'm just gonna go freshen up. I'll be right back," Amanda said forcing her lips to tilt up.

"Are you all good?" Fin asked with a look that a dad would give their kid.

"Yep," Amanda said shaking her head low.

Amanda started heading off to the bathroom, but as she turned the corner she caught a glance at her boss in her office. Olivia was staring at her with her eyes slightly squinted and eyebrows arched; the look she always had when she was reading someone or trying to figure something out. Amanda quickly ducked her head back around as her face flushed red. Amanda pushed herself into the small bathroom and immediately placed her hands on the sides of the sink and drew in a shaky breath. Amanda raised her head and looked at herself in the mirror. She had tried to conceal the darkness around her eyes, but you could still see the darkness coming through..Her lips were chapped from the blistering cold wind of January. Amanda could feel her body burning up as her breath thickened. She felt hands tightening on her wrists holding her down and pressure being applied against her back. Amanda blinked and looked back at the mirror seeing Patton behind her with his twisted smile. Amanda blinked again and he was gone. She panted heavily as eyes became glossy. She quickly wiped her eyes and swung herself around until her body was pressed against the heavy door. She slid down to the ground as she hands shook as she reached into her pocket. She pulled out her keyring that had a small switchblade on it. Amanda began flipping it over and over and her heart pounded and hands shook. Amanda's shirt had pushed up so her stomach was showing. Her mind raced as she felt the blade press down against the skin, and then again, and again. Amanda let out a shaky breath that was still filled with relief. She felt cool again. Amanda stood up and held her shirt up looking at what she had done. There were three lines with cool blood running down. "Shit" Amanda thought. What had she done? It had been years and years since she had ever done this to the point where all the scars had faded to nonexistence. Amanda quickly grabbed toilet paper from the stall and cleaned the the cuts. They were still bleeding after about ten minutes and she could see they went pretty deep through the skin. She quickly took a deep breath and let her shirt fall back down before turning with a push of the door and went back in.

"You good?" Carisi said eyeing her after noticing the blonde's eyes were more red than before.

"Yeah, fine," Amanda said smiling. She returned to her desk and began filing away some of the papers and getting back to finishing reports from all the many cases she had worked this week. She looked around seeing no one was giving her any strange looks, including Olivia who was walking around her office on the phone. Amanda went back to work for another 1.5 hours until she heard someone call out her name.

"Rollins," Olivia called. The blonde didn't turn. "Rollins."

"Oh, yeah," Amanda said. "Sorry, I was really into the work."

"How about you take the rest of today off," Olivia said while leaning out of the office door.

"I'm fine serge," Amanda said back. "I want to be here working."

"Suit yourself," Olivia said with a shrug.

"Seriously?" Carisi said. "I would love to be told that. I would take any time I could get off with this job."

"I enjoy working," Amanda said with a stern face while still working on her computer.

"You are just like Liv," Fin said with a chuckle. "You can never leave the work."

Amanda chuckled under her breath. She was nothing like Olivia.