This is my atonement for not for not updating 'till death do us part'. Sorry, i promise i will update the rest of my stories, i'm just to busy at the moment.

Word of warning: Borderline to M, Maki is forced to be OOC and language.

Disclaimer: I don't own love live.

It was the end of classes and i found myself standing near the lockers, patiently waiting for her to come. The weather was somewhat complementing with my mood, not to mention the whole place was soon becoming crowded with students who forgot to bring their umbrellas. Ignoring everything, i just lifelessly stared at the cloudy gray skies, wishing that the time would go faster. Nikishino Maki, this isn't like you. She's just busy, yeah...busy. I mentally scolded myself. Funny though, if this happened a month ago, i might stick with my usual afternoon routine. Either going home early or practicing the piano in the music room. But now the loneliness that i was so accustomed over the years, now felt like a...drab. Hanayo said that i had changed over these past few weeks. And perhaps she was right, ever since i took the courage to say those three words to that person. But for better or for worse, it was a decision i would never regret.

"Have i kept you waiting, Maki-chan?" I could recognize that voice anywhere, after all it never failed to make my heart skip. I turned my head to the side and saw her. The most perfect human being ever exist, the way those baby blue orbs of hers glint, her orange sunset hair that swayed perfectly in every step and a face that was carved straight from goddess Venus herself. Not to mention, she was the student council president, the most popular student in school, and my...

"Darling, you're late. And how many times do i've to tell you, call me honey now." I said with a pout, crossing my arms over my chest then turning to the side. Darling was so forgetful, but i loved every part of her.

"I'm sorry honey, i was needed to fix some club budget problems. But now that i'm here..." Darling's hands were quick to pull me in a loose hug, before closing her face to my ear and whispered, "We've all time in the world now, just the two of us..."

The heat suddenly gathered in my face. Over the time that we were dating, i thought i was already used of darling's surprised attacks, but she always found a way to make me loose my guard. "Darling, the students...they're watching..."

"Let them watch, they're only staring at us because Maki-chan is so cute, the cutest in the world..." She cooed the last part softly in my ears, which made my legs weak. Good thing, darling quickly shifted her hands towards my waist to support me from falling. "That's not good honey, you can only fall to me, okay~"

"Mou darling, you're always like this~"

"AHEM! School rules please." The one who coughed and interrupted our romantic moment was a blue-haired girl, who was the student council vice-president, and Honoka's childhood friend. Her name was Sonoda Umi and her hobby was interrupting every time i went lovey-dovey on my darling. No, she wasn't a rival for affection or something, it was more like...

"Honoka, how many times do i've to tell you, you're the student council president. You're a role model for your juniors. So if you understand, then please abide the school rules and stop doing SHAMELESS stuff." She was a mother Honoka never had. Though i couldn't deny, they were pretty close.

"I'm sorry, i just need my daily dose of Makinium, after a hard day of work. My Maki is just too cute ahaha." I blushed more when she said that. My darling always bragged me to others, because of this almost all students here knew about our relationship, silly darling.

"Yeah, yeah, that's what you always say. I'll be the first to leave first before the weather gets worse. Just don't do any more shameless stuff in school, you hear?" She gave us a deadpan look first before she pulled out a portable umbrella out of her bag and quickly headed outside.

"Well, let's go too, honey?"

I nodded quietly and held her hand. Honoka just smiled at me as we walk towards the school's veranda. Unfortunately, the weather did get worse, shortly after Umi left the scene.

"It was quite a rain, by the way honey, did you bring your umbrella?" She casually asked me while staring at the downpour.

"Umm...i forgot. Why do you ask, darling?" This was intentional, i knew there was a 70% chance of rain today, so i didn't bring my umbrella, hoping that i could share one with my darling

"Actually, i didn't bring mine, because i want to share one umbrella with you ahaha."

"Ehh, i was thinking the same thing too."

"Well, i guess we're really made for each other ahaha."

Ugh, this was bad. All this talk was making me want to kiss my darling, but we couldn't do it here in school. Why did it have to rain today? Stupid rain. "What should we do? We already reserved a good restaurant for our date, we can't be late..."

In the midst of this, darling seemed to be calm. She walked a safe distance away from me, then she shouted, "Rain, go away!" Surprisingly, the rain did stop after that.

"Da-darling, how did you do that?" I immediately chased her and asked.

"Hmm...actually i had no idea, i just channeled all my love-love energy for Maki-chan and shouted it with all my heart." Darling must be really a goddess reincarnate. Right, that was the only explanation. "Well, the weather is all clear now, so shall we go?"

"Of course, darling!" I linked my arms to hers as we walked. Only darling could make me feel this way, this happiness, this warmth, this endearment. That was why every day, i never failed to tell her that...

"...I love you, darling..."

She stopped walking after that. I thought something happened when she suddenly hugged in front the others again "Arghh! Honey, i can't take this anymore, you're just soo cute. I love you too, Maki-chan let's kiss."

"But darling, the school rules..." As much as i wanted to say yes, i wouldn't risk it for an angry Umi. We were still in the school after all, and darling reputation was at risk.

"Honey, we're outside the school gate right now. That means, we're outside of the school's jurisdiction too." Darling said as if reading my mind. The way her hands held me was telling she would never let me go. My heart thumped fast as my violet eyes meet her blue ones. She was really serious about this.

"I guess it can't be helped, after all i just can't truly say no to my darling. Kiss me darling..."

The hug got tighter as she closed her face to mine. Our noses touched first. Weird, this wasn't our first kiss, yet the feeling was always similar. "Close your eyes, my tomato princess..."

"...Honoka..."

"...Maki-chan...

"STOP THIS NONSENSE! ACK-"

I fell down on my bed, which thankfully woke me up from that nightmare. I looked at my alarm clock and saw the time. "Exactly 6 am huh..." I just continued to lie on the floor, staring at the beige ceiling with a familiar feeling in my heart. This emotion was...ANGER.

"DAMMIT, WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE THAT IDIOT OF ALL PEOPLE!" I made some flutter kicks on the floor as i writhed my body side to side. Like a kid with a violent tantrum, but i couldn't help it. For how long, i had been dreaming these kinds of dream now, ten, twenty days, a month or almost every day. "ARGHHH! IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY!"

To start with, my dreams were different each day but it had one plot: That was me and Honoka being so lovey-dovey to each other. To give a better understanding, it was like a watching romantic movies where we were always the leads. From a normal high-school confession to some space sci-fi drama, my dreams had no mercy. But the strangest part was, it would always end after ki-kissing. Needless to say, Honoka always had the dominant position, while me was always given the lovestruck maiden in love role, like that line from the last part "'I guess it can't be helped, after all i just can't truly say no to my darling. Kiss me darling...'"

"THAT DIALOGUE HAS A 0.000000000000001% CHANCE OF HAPPENING!" I wanted to strangle my dream self so badly. But i wasn't done yet, Honoka's lines were infuriating too. "'Close your eyes, my tomato princess.'"

"LIKE THAT IDIOT WOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT!" I was punching the drawers near me out of frustration. Why did i have to experience this nightmare?

I continued to furious vents of anger for a couple of minutes. Apparently, this scenario had already become a part of my daily routine. After that, i first went to the bathroom to wash away my sweats, because being angry was tiring not to mention sweat-inducing. My maid already placed my uniform there, so after bathing i quickly changed and headed downstairs to the dining room. There, my mother was already seated, sipping her cup of coffee while reading the morning newspaper. She greeted me with the usual "good morning, dear" as i sat on my side of the table.

My typical breakfast was a combination of diet and greens: Green tea, oatmeals and tomato salad on the side. I was a daughter of both doctors after all, so it was only natural to be health-conscious at a young age. I was eating peacefully while trying to bury those shameless dreams at the back of my mind when my mother spoke something that took by surprised.

"You look paler than the usual, Dear. Tell me, did you dream of this Honoka again?"

I forced myself to recover and act unstartled. "What are talking about Mama? Dreaming of Honoka? Like i would dream of that idiot." I lied. Of course, i lied. Well, i really couldn't say, yeah, i keep dreaming of that idiot for a month now.

"But aren't you having romantic dreams of her, more than a month now," My mother replied. She was always like this, talking like she knew everything. In fact, i wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. But still, it was too embarrassing to admit that now.

"Definitely not, what makes you say that?"

"Well, there was one time, when i went to your room because of the loud noises i heard. Then, i was surprised to see you, venting your anger and monologuing like what you did earlier," My mother calmly explained as put down her coffee. I was a total idiot. Of course she knew, i wasn't subtle about it in the first place. But maybe, she could help me with my current predicament.

"Yeah, it's always like that...every morning.." I answered, ignoring the faint blush on my cheeks.

"Ahh i see..." My mother replied with a giggle, folding down the newspaper before turning her full attention to me. "So..."

"So?"

"So when did you and this Honoka first do it?"

"Do what?"

"I'm talking about sexual intercourse of course-"

"WE NEVER DID SOMETHING LIKE THAT!" The small blushes from earlier quickly erupted on my face as i reached the reddest red of my reds. I had mixed emotions of surprise, panic, and embarrassment within me. "Wha-what are you saying? We're not like that. I..i-i don't even like her!"

"Ehhh! You're still in the 'denial stage' after all this time? I thought the two of you were dating already." My mother had a shocked look on her face.

"We're not!" Dammit, this talk was reminding me of a certain dream. Yeah while, me and Honoka never did something like that in the real world, my dreams were an exception. A cliche beach scene, where me and Honoka were walking hand in hand near the shoreline, then Honoka started running and i chased her. The warm sands and the ocean waves were hitting our feet while the beach sunset gave us a very romantic atmosphere. Usually, it ended with just me and Honoka kissing, but that dream was different. It was like a director's cut. Soon our kiss became more passionate and passionate until Honoka's hands found its way on my boobs, slipping through my bikini- Good lord, what am i even thinking?

"See you're blushing now, why don't you admit it to yourself that you really like Honoka. Honestly, it'll make thing easier for you."

"I'm not in love with her okay. Why don't you believe me?"

"Because you're not making it believable. Answer this with all honesty, you like spending time with her, right?"

I stared down on the table while gripping the bottom part of my skirt.

"I..guess..." Although it was exhausting both physically and mentally, i never regretted it just like when i joined the Muse. In fact, the time i spent together with Hono- i mean the Muse were some of my happiest, not that i would say this out loud.

"Do you also feel pain whenever she's getting close to someone not you?"

"I..think..." That was spot-on. How did she know that? I couldn't really understand it but i always had this sharp, pronounced pain in my chest area, every time i saw Honoka with the other Muse members or even her classmates.

"Last question, have you ever thought...your dreams for Honoka, as a manifestation of desire, mainly your love for her. I mean you said it yourself, your dreams always have one plot, which was you and her becoming lovers. So maybe...well, what i am saying is, do...you love Honoka, hypothetically of course." That was a long speech, but the bottom line was if i loved Honoka in a romantic way or not. Hypothetically, let's not forget that keyword. Well, i certainly didn't hate her, even though she was the 99% source of my problem, so did this mean that i loved her? In thesauruses, love was the opposite of hate. Hmm...

In the midst of my thinking, i suddenly heard giggle sounds. My eyes shifted towards my mother, who seemed enjoying herself at my suffering. "Hey, why are you smiling there?"

"It's nothing, it's just for a hypothetical question, you're taking very seriously."

She was right! Why did i exert effort in this? I should've thrashed this question or answered it with a straight "no way".

...

...

...

An awkward silence passed between us. She was finishing her cup of coffee while i bowed my head and resumed to my breakfast. However, this time i heard some sobbing noises. Curious, i turned my gaze towards my mother. And to my surprised, she had a teary-eyed face, gracefully wiping it with her handkerchief. "You've finally found someone you loved, i'm so happy for you, Dear. My little tomato had all grown up."

"How did you arrive at that conclusion?!"

"Love isn't a bad thing. It's a wonderful experience that will help shape you as a person."

"How many times do i have to tell you, I'M NOT IN LOVE WITH HONOKA!"

"So you're saying that now, even though you already mast-"

"STOP! Ho-how did you know that?" My eyes widened in horror and cold sweats instantly appeared in my body. That was the most regrettable thing i had ever done in my life. It was categorized as 'beyond embarrassment'. The deepest darkest secret i must bury till the day of my death.

"Well, there was one time, when i went to your room because of the strange moanings i heard. Then, i was surprised to see you only with your panties, holding a picture of-"

"STOP! STOP! STOP! I don't want to hear." I covered my ears and shook my head. I wish the earth would split apart and swallowed me now, every second felt like dying.

Then when her lips stopped moving, i quickly wolfed down my breakfast, slung my bag then stood up. Right now, the only thing i could think of was to get away from her as fast as possible.

"Don't worry, it's only natural for a healthy growing girl to do 'that', especially when they were thinking about someone they love. By the way, your lunchbox is in the living room as always. I just want to tell you that before you bolt out of the house."

My mother saw through my intentions, but that didn't stop me from doing it. "I know, i'm off to school now," I said to her while dashing away from the kitchen. I passed through the living room along the way and quickly grabbed my lunchbox. Held it with my both two hands on my chest as i left glints of sparkles in my wake. It was... my tears.

"My mother...knows...i can't believe it...she knows."

I was walking aimlessly in the hallways. Even at the school, i couldn't stop myself from blushing, not to mention my mind was too distracted of thinking on how could i face my mother from now on. This day was the worst of the worst. Surely, nothing could make it worse than this. That until she came...

"Maaaki-chaan~!" I heard a familiar playful voice which was immediately followed by a quick embrace. This wasn't good, she was the last person i wanted to encounter this morning, especially when that secret was deeply tied to her.

"Honoka, what are you doing?" This girl was Kousaka Honoka, the current student council president and the leader of Muse. She had that ginger hair with a ponytail on the side, baby blue eyes, and always brimming with exuberance. Also, her hobby was to invade my own personal space. Good thing, she was hugging me from behind, so she couldn't see how red my face was.

"Good morning, hehe." Even while facing away, i pictured she greeted me with that dumb smile of hers.

"Yeah, morning." Not that i had any good ones because of her. But this was strange, with just a simple touch, i felt all my problems were washing away. It's always like this whenever i'm with Honoka, how strange. But strange or not, that didn't erase the fact that we were still in the hallway, where many students were walking. And this small act of skinship was starting to garner the attention of those around us. "Honoka, can you let go now? They are staring at us."

"Oh, so now you notice."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Hanayo-chan and Rin-chan greeted you earlier but you just walked past them without even saying anything," Honoka explained as she broke the hug. Hanayo and Rin did? I hadn't even noticed. "So, i decided to check on you. And you were all red and seemed like thinking about something. So what is it, Maki-chan?"

"It-its none of your business. Anyway, don't you've some class to attend?" I was trying my best to deflect, yet Honoka wouldn't let me so easily. Ever since, the incident of Kotori leaving the Muse, this idiot here became more aware of other people's feelings. Well, she wasn't still perceptive as Nozomi, but when she knew that something was troubling her friends, she would always be the first one to ask.

"Nah, i still-"

"Yes, yes, she is." The voice who abruptly joined the conversation belonged to Sonoda Umi, the student council vice president and the Muse's lyricist. She had a long blue hair and golden eyes. Also, this idiot's childhood friend.

"Ehh! But we're not late right?" Honoka protested.

"But we're not early either."

"Umi-chan is so strict..."

"Don't misunderstand my intentions Honoka, you're great person, you just need to learn discipline at times." 'Great person' so she was praising her? Why did i feel so peeve all of the sudden? They were talking like i didn't exist in their eyes, not that i mind. Though for some reason, i got the urge to break their conversation.

"There you go again...with that reasoning."

"I bought your favorite sweet bread."

"Oh, why you didn't say that first? C'mon, let's go Umi-chan, our classmates are waiting for us." Just like that, Honoka got easily swayed. She excitedly pumped her fist towards where their classroom was. Umi lightly chuckled at her.

"Just remember, watch your weight. I don't want to deal with your diet again." The archer sternly reminded her. Both of them already motioned to leave but was stopped by...me.

"You two...look very close with each other..." I spat it bitterly. Dammit, why did i say that? I immediately regretted those words as soon as it left my mouth.

"Of course, we're childhood friends after all." Honoka playfully hugged her 'childhood friend', rubbing her cheeks together with Umi's, just great.

"...Honoka...this is so shameless..."

"Well, Maki-chan wants to see how close we are."

My irritation had reached its peak, so i force myself to remain silent. I didn't really understand it myself, but seeing how Honoka showed how close they were and Umi slightly blushing at her friend's action were making me clench my fists. Why am i so affected? She can do what she wants, i don't care.

"...Honoka, we're going to be late now."

"Okay, see you later Maki-chan." Honoka broke the hug and waved at me goodbye. Umi, on the other hand, collected her composure, then formally bowed to me. The two walked away with a steady pace.

The class ended and my mind was still distracted. Hanayo and Rin asked me for the 5th time now if something was wrong but i shrugged it, telling them i wasn't feeling well today. Apparently, the picture of Honoka and Umi earlier were stuck in my mind, yet it wasn't only that. Honoka...she was always nice to others, whether it was someone she knew or a person she just met, she would flash them the same bright smile. So why? Why did i want her to smile only to me?

"Maki-chan, are you alright? If you want, i could tell Eli to skip practice today..." The girl who was looking at me with worried eyes was Koizumi Hanayo. She was...my friend. Typically shy at times but ever since she joined the Muse, she had changed...in a good way of course. Also, we were in the same year and class together with-

"Yeah nya, it's not good to push yourself nya." This girl was Honshizora Rin. She was also my friend and Hanayo's childhood friend. Usually, she was energetic, but this time her chartreuse eyes had the same look as Hanayo.

"I'm fine." I stood up and slung my bag, motioning myself to leave. "Let's go."

They exchanged concerned glances to each other, before silently following me.

Shortly, we entered the school idol research and the other four members were there with Kotori and Umi missing. However, it looked like there was a commotion going between them.

"I can't believe it. Why did you keep it a secret to us?" Yazawa Nico, the club president and the self-proclaimed number one idol in the universe asked with brows furrowed. Well, she always had that abrasive personality which went well with her black pigtailed hair and red eyes.

"It-it's not a big deal Nico-chan." Honoka reluctantly answered, scratching her cheeks sheepishly. I wonder what were they talking about?

"Honoka-chan, if you don't tell the truth, i'm going to punish you~" Toujou Nozomi, my purple-haired senior smiled mischievously and put her trademark washi-washi stance on. Seriously, what did this idiot do now?

"Nozomi stop that," The quarter russian and physical trainer of our group said. Ayase Eli moved towards Honoka and held her hands. "Don't worry Honoka, Nozomi won't grope you, we just want the truth."

"Yeah Honoka, just tell us if you and Tsubasa are dating already. I promise our friendship won't change."

WHAT?! Honoka and Tsubasa are dating?! I mentally screamed. I might be lying when i said i wasn't feeling well earlier, but now i suddenly felt worse than ever. The inexplicable pain in my chest area wouldn't go away. In fact, it only grew stronger to the point that it was almost suffocating. In an instant, i found myself leaning next to the club lockers, just because i couldn't maintain my composure.

"What Honoka and Tsubasa are dating? Tell me, tell me." Hanayo had a differet reaction, her eyes lit as she rushed to the ginger's side, showing the same enthusiasm whenever school idols were involved. "Finally, this is what we're missing. The Romeo and Juliet of the idol world. You two would definitely make a cute couple."

"It-it's not like that really he he he..." my leader awkwardly laughed. Nervousness was present in her voice as she averted her face against the five pair of eyes that were expectantly looking at her.

"Then, explain this text from your phone." Nico put Honoka's cellphone directly to her face. "It said, 'i can't wait to see you again' from literally Kira Tsubasa in your contacts. But it's not only that, there's a rumor circulating almost a month now about the two of you, sighting in some cafes in Akibahara. I don't believe them at first, but after seeing these text messages, it's definitely that."

I took a few deep breaths to make this pain down to a bearable level. But still, i was anxious...anxious of what?

"Honoka, are you two dating? Just answer it with a yes or no."

"It's a...No. We're just friends." Strange, i somehow had a sense of relief just now.

"Don't give that cliche showbiz answer. Tell me how long did the two of you see each other?" Nico's hands were on the ginger's shoulders. She was clearly angry. Well, if i remembered correctly, she was a fan of A-rise before even the Muse were formed. And it was revealed by Tsubasa that Nico was occasionally sending flowers to them, so her reaction was expected.

"Well...it's after we defeated them in the Love live preliminary finals, Tsubasa-chan approached later that day and we've become friends since then."

"What, that long?!"

What, that long?! Dammit, i had the same reaction with flatboard. So she and her 'Tsubasa-chan' were secretly meeting behind our backs since then.

"Honoka-chan, why you didn't tell us?"

"Umm...Tsubasa-chan said to keep it a secret between our respective groups. She said it's more fun that way." Intentions aside, Miss forehead obviously wanted something like a lover's tryst with Honoka.

"So...what did the two of you usually do?"

"Nico, that's way too personal."

"Shut up Eli, i'm not backing out of this. You want to know this too right? Just leave the interrogating to me."

"Well..." Honoka put a not convincingly thinking pose. "Hmm, let's see...we do some cafe-hopping, karaoke, sleepover in each other's hous-"

"Wait! So you went in her house?!"

Wait! So you went in her house?! Again, Nico and i exclaimed the same reaction. But this time, the rest of the Muse shared it with us. So they had gotten close to the point that they were comfortable sleeping with each other. Just how much was going on between them? Did their parents know about this?

"Yeah, Tsubasa-chan's house is very big, bigger than Maki's." Honoka spread her arms to childishly compare Tsubasa's house over mine.

Thanks Honoka, that's what i need after this wonderful morning i have.

"So i assume your parents know about this..." Nozomi said. On the contrary on her mischievous face earlier, she now had a serious one.

"Yeah, Tsubasa-chan never forget to buy our manjuus."

"Umm, Honoka-chan answer me this, did Tsubasa-chan always compliment you, exerting too much physical contact and visit you way too often?"

"Strange, how did you know that Nozomi-chan?"

"Wow, sounds like Tsubasa-chan is a good friend nya."

"I know right." Aside from these two ginger idiots here, everyone's faces had a deadpan. She's obviously hitting at you, you idiot.

"She's obviously hitting at you, you idiot." Damn you Nico, you didn't need to tell her that. "To think that the charismatic leader of A-rise would have a crush on you..."

"Umm...i know about that," Honoka answered with a blank stare.

"WHAT?!"

"Why are you all surprised? I'm not that dense you know."

"So...did she...confess?"

"Nozomi!"

"What? We're only getting to the good part."

"Well...kinda..." Honoka scratched the back of her head and made a brief pause. Her eyes were downcast as she let a low sigh. It was obvious that the topic was uncomfortable for her. "...But i can't accept her feelings..."

"Why?" Hanayo pressed her further.

"...Why? Be-because...i-i already have someone i loved." For the first time, we saw Honoka blushing. Everyone was dumbfounded, our leader who was known as a prototypical airhead now had a face of a woman in love. No doubt about it, whoever this 'someone' was, Honoka held her feelings for her very dearly.

"Who is-"

Just before Hanayo could ask the most important question, Eli cut in and clapped her hands. "That's enough, i think we quite interrogated Honoka now. Everyone let's go practice, Umi and Kotori will join us shortly after done running the teacher's errands."

Afterwards, Eli approached Honoka and apologized. The ginger just laughed it out and thanked the senior. Seemingly satisfied, Nico was the first one to leave, followed by Nozomi. Meanwhile, me, Rin and Hanayo were still in our school uniforms, so we had to change into our practice gear first. However...

"...Eli, i'm not feeling very well today, i'll skip practice."

"Sure Maki, i'll tell the others. Are you going home now?"

"No, i'll rest in the school infirmary for now. If i ever feel better, i might join you afterwards."

"Just don't overdo it or you might collapse like someone i know."

"Hey, i heard that, Eli-chan you meanie."

"Honoka, i'm just joking."

"That definitely doesn't sound like a joke."

Before i could witness a similar scene again, i walked away from them, heading to the door.

Just when i was about to pull the doorknob, Hanayo and Rin quickly called me. "Maki-chan, take care."

"Yeah nya, Kayo-chin and i will be lonely without you nya." Honestly, these girls...i just need some time off to think about things. I promise to return.

And so, i trod my path towards the school clinic. When i arrived, the school nurse seemed to be out. So i just walked over a random bed, lay on it and closed my eyes.

I was just silent earlier but the truth was, my emotions were like going on a rollercoaster ride. When i learned Honoka and Tsubasa were seeing each other, i suddenly felt sad with this familiar pain in my chest. But then, Honoka said they were just friends which kinda made me happy. However, when Honoka told us she loved someone, i felt miserable like it virtually killed me. What is this? Why am i feeling like this way? Why do i always dream of her? Why...Why...

Why do i want Honoka for myself?

I hated this feeling...

Beautiful, smart, rich, and charismatic. Those were the traits of Kira Tsubasa, even so Honoka couldn't accept her feelings. I wonder what kind of person Honoka fell in love with? I was anxious again but for some reason i was afraid to hear the answer...

...

...

...

Hmm, this was strange my body felt so warm all of the sudden.

As i opened my eyes, i saw...Honoka! Great, am i still dreaming now? Our faces were so close to each other, centimeters away in fact. My heart...was thumping so fast as my amethyst orbs met her sapphire ones. And since i was lying on the bed, my leader was leaning on my side. My hands cupped its way to her cheeks, then i...pinched her.

"Oww! What did you do that for?" Honoka moved away and tried to soothe her sore cheek. So it wasn't a dream. Good thing, i didn't go for the second option.

"I-i'm the one that sho-should ask that. Wh-what are you doing? And why are you here?" This was bad, i was stuttering, not to mention i couldn't stop myself from blushing. Dammit, l was like a lovestruck junior who was just noticed by her senior, not that it was based on my experience or anything.

"I'm here to check on you. The school nurse was out, so i'm trying to check your temperature."

"I told you it's just a fever, i will join the others soon after i rest. Just go, the others must be waiting for you."

"I can't do that, not when you don't have a fever at all." I flinched. She saw right through me. Perhaps Honoka wasn't dense as i thought. True, i was healthy physically, but mentally was a whole different story. "So can you tell me what's the problem? Is this related on why you're spacing out this morning?"

"I told you it's none of your business. I'm just stressed from making all those songs, i need some time off." I lied again.

"There you go again..." The ginger sighed. She had a sad expression on her face as she continued. "Why are you always shunning me away? Maki-chan, i cared for you, everyone does. But even as friends, i feel you're keeping a distance between us. And i want to close that distance, only if you'll let me. I'm stupid Maki-chan, i can't know what you're feeling if you don't tell me. I want to understand you, Maki-chan."

I want to understand myself too...

"You're thinking it too much, you idiot. But Honoka...thank you..."

"It's fine, Maki-chan. We're friends after all." Right...a friend...why did that word sting me so much?

"...Yeah..."

Just like that, Honoka was back to her happy deamenor again. She insisted on staying, but when she received a text from Umi, asking where she was. I urged her to leave.

I was alone in the school infirmary again, but miraculously i wasn't feeling the pain anymore. I let a couple of minutes pass as i took a short nap. It was the best nap, i ever had for months.

...

...

...

I woke up and no school nurse still in sight. I fixed the bed before leaving, heading towards the school idol research club again.

In the clubroom, i unlocked my locker, took my training gear, walked a few steps towards our changing room and started changing. I was good to go, but suddenly my throat felt parched. Remembering i had a sports drink together with my lunchbox, i opened my schoolbag.

This was strange, it wasn't the same drink my mother used to prepare me.

The said drink was in a black bottle encased in a very futuristic design box. I almost jumped when i touch the top part, then the box mechanically opened on its own. The words T.R.U.T.H was written on its label. Weird, i never heard of a brand like this before. Was this from stateside? Well, my father had a fondness for foreign things, since he traveled at lot, so it must be one of his out-of-the-country souvenirs.

I quenched my thirst and drank it without hesitation. It tasted kinda peculiar, but maybe that was what stateside people preferred.

I then made my way towards the school rooftop, where our practices usually held. I was nervous inside, but outside i casually pushed the door and walked towards them like nothing.

"Maki-chan!" Honoka exclaimed. The others quickly turned their attention to me as well.

"Maki-chan, are you feeling well now?"

"Yeah Hanayo, the truth is, i never had a fever at all. I'm just heartbroken and jealous because Honoka told us she was already in loved someone. But i'm fine now, i still loved Honoka though." Eight pairs of eyes widened at my remark. Even the normally composed Nozomi was taken by surprised. I wonder what had gotten in to them, they became weird all of the sudden.

"Ma-Maki, wh-what are you saying, te-telling us that you love-"

"Oh Honoka, i loved her. I think it's love at first sight, like it's destiny that lead me to her when we first met in the Music room." Again, their shocked expressions only grew even more.

"As-as a friend right? I-i too loved Honoka-chan as a friend, i'm sure everyone does."

"What's wrong with you Hanayo? Honoka might get the wrong idea. Of course, i meant it in a romantic way, i already masturbated to her once you know."

"SHAMELESS! SHAMELESS! DOWNRIGHT SHAMELESS!" Umi screamed as she rushed towards the door, exiting with hands covering her ears.

"Umi-chan, wait up!" Kotori excused and bowed her head to us before chasing the running archer.

"Oi Maki, have you dropped your mind somewhere? Can you look for it?" Nico retorted with a much harsher tone than the usual. Seriously, what's wrong with everyone?

"Umm...Kayo-chin, what is 'masturbate' nya?"

"...Rin-chan...it's- that's- when the- I'M SORRY RIN-CHAN! I CAN'T TELL YOU! SORRY!" Blanking for words, my rice-loving friend's eyes watered. Then, it was only a matter of time, when she sprinted to the door the same way Umi did.

And we were down to six members now.

"Kayo-chin!" Unlike Kotori, Rin didn't follow her friend. She just extended as if reaching the faded image of Hanayo in her eyes. "I just want to know what is 'masturbate' nya..."

"Masturbate, verb, the act of stimulating pleasure to oneself through-"

"MAKI STOP TALKING!"

"What? She asked, i answered."

"I think it's better to postpone practice for now. It's clear that Maki is still not herself. I'll text Umi and Hanayo about this. Don't worry, i'll make sure they understand this misunderstanding."

"Yeah i agree with Elicchi, it's best for Maki-chan to rest. Perhaps the pressure of composing new songs is getting the better on her."

"What do you think Honoka?"

"I-"

"Honoka, there's something i want to tell you." Saying it with a resolute tone, i approached Honoka and boldly held her two hands. My purplenette and my blonde seniors tried to get in the way, but the ginger signaled them to stop.

"What is it, Maki-chan?" Honoka looked at me directly and i returned her gaze with the same seriousness.

"I...know you loved someone and this person must be lucky to have you falling for her. I guess the two of you must be happy together, but Honoka...have you ever heard of NTR?"

"GOOD LORD MAKI, YOU NEED JESUS! What happened in believing to Santa Claus?!"

"Umm...Nico-chan, what is 'NTR' nya?" Looking confused, Rin asked while tilting her head.

"Look at what you've done! Nozomi, you worked at the shrine right? Can we exorcise her or something?"

"Nicocchi, you know very well that i'm only a volunteer there, not a shrine maiden."

"Then what should we do? This Maki definitely need some divine intervention or anything that will bring her closer to god again."

While the ravenette and the purplenette were busy with their discussion, another hand grabbed mine and dragged me a few steps away from Honoka. It was...Eli. "I'm sorry to be rude in any way but Maki, what are you doing?"

"Can't you see i'm busy expressing my love for-" Her words echoed in my mind. It was that point when i had the flash of realization...

WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING ALL THIS TIME?! I casually confessed to Honoka, told them my deepest darkest secret, almost destroyed Rin's innocence and asked Honoka to commit a crime together! SOMEBODY, PLEASE KILL ME NOW!

I never sweated so much till now. The only question was WHY? Why did i say those things? Nevermind that, i had to straighten up these misunderstanding first especially towards my leader.

"Listen Honoka, i..." My words stopped when i caught a glimpse of her face.

SHE'S LOOKING AT ME LIKE I'M SOME SORT OF PATHETIC PIECE OF HUMAN TRASH! Honoka, she always had those beautiful blue eyes, eyes that could easily brighten up anyone's day but now the same eyes had lost its cheery glint, looking at me like she had lost her faith in humanity or in this case in me.

Honoka was just silent, but when i tried to reach her hand, she stepped away. SHE'S AVOIDING PHYSICAL CONTACT!

"I'm sorry Maki-chan, i...just need to think a lot of things." She said with a lifeless voice, then averted face. SHE'S AVOIDING EYE CONTACT!

Just like that, i felt my whole world was crushing before me. Tears naturally ran down on my cheeks as i frantically wiped it with my arms. Out of consideration or maybe pity, Nozomi gave me a gentle pat on the shoulders and tried to console me, but no amount of words could lessen the pain that i was feeling right now.

For the next thing that happened, i ran.

I ran, ignoring their desperate calls toward me.

I ran as fast as my legs could take me.

From the rooftop's door through the hallways, i ran aimlessly.

I want to disappear. I want to go a place where no one can ever find me.

...

...

...

In the school's restroom, i found myself washing my face, mixing my tears with water. I asked myself what should i do now? But...what's the point? My mother knew my secret, my high school life was in shambles and Honoka...she hated me now.

But the thing that baffled me most was why did i spout those things earlier. Honestly, i had no clue in the slightest until my cellphone rang...

The caller was my mother. Great, what did she want now? "Hello dear, a funny story happened today ahaha."

"What is it?"

"You know your lunch box this morning? Well, it seemed that i accidentally mixed up your sports drink with the truth serum that i was developing ahahah."

I suddenly had a hard shaking on my cellphone. Couldn't it be? "Umm is this truth serum, was in a very futuristic box and had the words T.R.U.T.H written on the label?"

"Yep, that's the one. It had really strong effect you know. Anyone who drinks it will always tell the truth, regarding with their own true feelings. It's still in developing stage though."

IT WAS HER GODDAMN FAULT! I knew something was fishy about that drink, but i never expected it was something like a truth serum. "Mama, i drank it."

"Ehhh! Really?"

"Why are you acting so surprise?! You put it in the bag, so of course i would drink it!" I really wanted to lash my anger at my mother, but if she was the one who created that, then she must know how to turn me back to normal.

"Well, is it working? We never test it in a live human before. Oh i know, try to say a simple lie, just altered the truth or something."

Altered the truth? Okay...

["1+1=3"]

"1+1=2" What happened? Pretty sure, i told my brain to say '1+1=3' yet when it left my mouth it became '1+1=2' as if i really couldn't lie...

"So..is it a success?"

"Yeah, and thanks to this my high school life is ruined."

"Aww, don't be like that. Here, let me try: Honoka had 5 apples, meanwhile Maki dear had 8. Both of them placed it together in the box. The question is, how many seconds will it take for Maki dear to say yes if Honoka ask her to get married together?"

"0.5 seconds. WAIT, That's a trick question." Even on the phone, i could hear her giggles, she was definitely enjoying this. "Let's get to the point already, how can i be normal again?"

"Hmm...that's the thing, the truth serum is still in development stage, so the effects vary per subject. It might be just a few minutes, hours, day or might be...forever..." The last part sent a chill throughout my entire body. I didn't record the time, but let say from the time i drank until now, happened in a length of an hour. Yes, only an hour and it already wreaked havoc too much damage. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!

"Are you kidding me?! Do something about this, it's your fault anyway."

"Trust me, i'm trying dear. For now, why don't you enjoy living an honest life? You know what they say, 'honesty is the best policy'. Who knows, something 'wonderful' might happen later~" There she was again, talking like she knew what was going to happen. What kind of 'wonderful' thing was in store for me? Oh gee, i'm so excited. I can't wait. Yeah right...

Shortly after the call ended, i left the bathroom. Through the windows, i saw how the skies were in the middle of slowly changing from afternoon to evening. I guess everyone left already...

Time to go home too.

Treading my path, my feet were dragging me towards a different direction...towards the music room where me and Honoka first met.

Since i'm already here, might as well play one last song before leaving.

I dusted the keys and stretched my hands. This place still hadn't changed at all. Way back before joining the Muse, this room was my sanctuary. That time, i didn't have a single friend and music was my the only thing i could lean on. But even that was going to disappear soon, because it was decided that in college i had to give up music for studying medicine. That was the reality for me, there was nothing i could do about it and i was fine with that. Then one day, she came and changed everything...

It was just like any other afternoon back then, i was playing the piano as usual when i heard someone clapping. Surprised, i stopped and turned my gaze at her, a ginger-haired girl who had a dumb smile plastered on her face. She excitedly approached and asked something stupid with no hesitation. "Do you want to be a school idol?" Those were the words she said. Of course, i rejected her, i mean who would in the right mind to accept that preposterous idea. But she didn't give up trying to be buddy-buddy with me and continually asked the same question. As she did that, a random thought crossed my mind.

If i could change my life with one decision, with one answer. Should i do it?

Surprising as it may sound, this girl successfully persuaded me to make a song for them. She told me that their first live was coming and they were struggling for a song. Just for curiosity's sake, i came to watch when they were training in the shrine. I wanted to hand her the finished song, but i had no idea how to approach her or anyone in the first place, so i mailed the song in her house.

Unfortunately, even with all that practicing, their first live was a failure. Yet, she still persevered even if she and her two childhood friend's had sheen of tears in their eyes. They performed the START:DASH and i couldn't help myself but be captivated. Something about her enthralled me, this girl was..shining throughout the entire performance.

Days passed, and their live was still etched in my mind, particularly to that girl. Due to being distracted, i lost my student ID, which was promptly returned by Hanayo. It was very unlike me, yet i helped her made her mind, regarding in joining the Muse. Thanks to this, i became acquaintance with her and her bestfriend Rin. We had a clashed of ideals between me and the cat-like girl. Ultimately, we ended up joining the Muse, us three. I couldn't imagine the awkwardness i felt that time, but that girl just flashed a smile at me as she warmly extended her arm.

A lot of things happened since then, some ups and downs but everyday was interesting. Our group quickly grew from six to nine with the third years Nico, Eli and Nozomi joining. And although i couldn't say it to them, i was thankful. They gave colors in my boring life: Hanayo was green, Rin was yellow, Eli was ice-blue, Nozomi was purple, Nico was pink, Kotori was green, Umi was blue and Honoka...the girl that started it all had a color orange.

Why am i reminiscing this now?

I started touching the keys yet my hands had no strength at all. I was crying openly, the depressing turn of events had finally taken its toll on me. It's over...the Muse and Honoka...

...I loved her...I'm in love Honoka. I'm just too prideful and bullheaded to admit that to myself. Dammit, why i only realize this now. But maybe this was for the best, after all Honoka would never return these feelings. For starters, i wasn't nice to her at all, always complaining about how clingy she was and shunning her away like she said. Plus, if the almost-perfect miss forehead confessed her feelings and got rejected, what were the chances i could succeed? The girl that Honoka liked must be some sort of goddess or something.

That was right...she already had-

"...Ma-Maki-chan..." I heard a familiar voice, her voice. Could it be? But that was impossible, at this time there were rarely to no students here. But when i turned my head towards the door, i saw her...Honoka. She was panting and had sweats all over her body as she leaned at the door.

"...Honoka?"