UPDATE: As stated in my summary, TIOL is currently undergoing major revisions and POV changes. I want to catch up the story to the current place before uploading the new chapters. Thank you so much for reading and for your patience :D

Disclaimer: Follows the manga more than the anime.

"The gods' most savage curses come upon us as answers to our own prayers. Prayer is a dangerous business." ― Lois McMaster Bujold, The Curse of Chalion

You had severely underestimated how utterly terrifying this world really was. Failed to think through just what it meant to share this world with people that had tremendous powers. All you'd wanted was a closer look at the man you'd come to love through the pages of a book. You jumped at the first chance to see him in the flesh. Following him silently and staying hidden amongst the crowd. But now, up close, you came to realize three things.

(One: Reading something and experiencing it were two entirely different things.)

The man in front of the magician fell to his knees, howling in pain. His arms severed above the elbows. Bone and muscle peeked through the open wounds as blood sprayed out onto the floor. The red stains blossomed against the fabric of his clothes. Your stomach lurched at the sight. Never had you seen someone so brutally maimed in front of your eyes.

"Don't forget to apologize after you hit someone~" the magician drawled, his voice lilting with malice. The bloodlust spilled out of him in waves. It was enough to freeze you in your spot at the head of the crowd. Like a thousand needles holding you in place.

(Two: Hisoka was absolutely terrifying.)

You could feel how strong he was just by his aura, even with your rudimentary understanding of Nen. The depths of his aura felt like those of the ocean, so vast and dark. It seemed impossible for someone to be so strong. You feared it would crush you, if it ever aimed for you directly.

The others around you didn't seem as affected. You guessed this had something to do with your inexperience.

(Three: Just how out of depth you were here.)

You led a relatively soft life before. No broken bones, never in any significant danger, and the support of friends and family. You had never experienced anything like bloodlust, especially one so tangible. This was what aura was. Not some vague atmospheric nonsense usually spouted by mystics. It put you at a disadvantage compared to the other battle-hardened examinees.

You'd thought just knowing about Nen would be enough to give you mastery over it. But when you woke up in this new life, you were shocked to find you'd started at square one. Oh sure, you had potential. Your old master had told you that much when you first started training. You could become a strong hunter —maybe even the strongest—, but not without putting in the work. And Nen was a difficult thing to master. Even more so when you weren't used to exerting so much effort. Spending most of your life behind a computer screen hadn't adequately prepared you for this.

So while you had some edge over the competitors with your basic Nen, you were still just a child compared to the likes of Hisoka. At your current level, he could slaughter you instantly.

The thought made you shiver.

Subconsciously, your Nen slipped. Shadows pooled under your feet. A few people around you noticed.

Shit.

Hisoka, who'd already begun to walk away, stopped. He turned his head. Your frightened eyes met his amber ones. They widened with interest before narrowing back to their natural slits.

The corners of his mouth curled up.

That expression snapped you into action. You wedged yourself back into the crowd while keeping your eyes on him. When you were well behind a few people, you turned and ran.

You'd already made two fatal mistakes.

You caught Hisoka's attention and you showed your ability to everyone else.

You, who'd familiarized yourself with the entire contents of this world and thought it was enough.

I'm such an idiot!

The crowd further in didn't pay you much attention as you frantically rushed to a lonely corner and hurled your guts out. The image of the severed arms burned in your mind as you heaved up nothing but bile. This wasn't how you had imagined things going. Sure, you'd wanted to catch Hisoka's eye, but not like this. It was supposed to be on your terms, when you were strong enough to hold your own against him. Not when he could easily crush you like an insect. Your throat burned as you gagged some more.

Nobody bothered you during this. They probably saw your fearful behavior as normal for a child. Just another fool way in over their head. You honestly considered going home before you caught sight of who'd you'd originally come for.

Gon, Leorio and Kurapika were already with Tonpa, who was on his knees in front of the group. Ah, so they'd already had some of his "juice". He'd tried to offer you some when you first arrived, but knowing his trick, you refused it. Now that the whole debacle was over with, it was probably safe to join them. Initially, you'd planned it this way. That is, until Hisoka distracted you.

So you wiped your lips and took several deep breaths. You hoped you looked a lot better than you felt. Once you were sure you had calmed, you walked over to them, putting on your most cheerful smile.

"Wow, I didn't think I'd see another kid my age here!" you said by way of greeting. The group turned towards you. "Hi, my name is Raven!"

"Nice to meet you! I'm Gon and this is Leorio and Kurapika," he said, pointing out each person. Tonpa had used the momentary distraction to scamper into the crowd. From where you stood, you noticed that you were several inches shorter than Gon. It was kind of cute.

"Aren't you a little young to be taking this exam?" Leorio asked while scratching his cheek. He was leaning towards you a bit, examining you.

My real body is way older, you thought about saying. But instead, you pointed to Gon and replied, "He's my age and he's taking the exam."

"Yeah, but you're a girl," the older man said. You knew he said it more out of concern, but you still felt your eye twitch. Was he not aware of the words that came out of his mouth? How they sounded? If you hadn't already known his personality, you would've thought him sexist.

"If she's here then I think she's more than capable of at least taking the exam," Kurapika added. You smiled at him for defending you and he smiled back. He'd always been the more reasonable one, hadn't he? He gave off such a pleasant aura, that you found yourself inching just a bit closer to him.

Leorio shrugged. "Eh, I guess…"

A high-pitched warbling sound filled the room, cutting off all conversation. You turned your attention to its source, along with everyone else. Satotz stood on one of the pipes along the wall in front of an opening in the stone. In one hand he held what was supposed to be a cartoony head-shaped bell. He pressed a button on the top to silence it. "The time for reception has ended. Now, we can begin the exam."

He hopped down and gestured towards the dark tunnel. "This way, please."

You ignored the rest of his words as you turned your attention back to Gon. It was nothing you hadn't already read anyways. "Can I tag along with you guys? I felt kinda lonely with all the other adults here."

"Sure!" Gon replied enthusiastically, his brown eyes shining. "We don't mind, do we guys?"

Kurapika shook his head.

"Someone has to look after you kids," Leorio muttered, though he didn't look too troubled.

Just like that, they accepted you into their group. Your heart swelled a bit at the thought. This world was cruel, something you'd taken for granted in your idolization of it. Not everyone was willing to look after anyone but themselves. But these were good people. You could feel it in your interactions. It was a relief from people like Hisoka or even Tonpa, who were ready to take advantage of anyone's weakness.

"No one's ditched yet," Leorio said while looking around. "I kind of hoped some of them would."

No sooner had the words left his mouth that the people in front had begun to hasten their pace to a jog. This is it, you thought.

"Is everyone in a rush to leave or what?"

"I think this is part of the test," you cut in, keeping your pace with the others. Your heartbeat quickened in anticipation. Fortunately, you'd had the foresight to work on your stamina when you first arrived in this world. You hoped it was enough. "I have a feeling we're going to be running for a while."

Satotz introduced himself and explained how the phase worked. This was only the first round of the exam. Everyone who wanted to pass would have to follow him to the place of the second round. He didn't tell anyone how long they'd be running, but you already knew it was around 50 miles. The others didn't look too worried, so you tried to school your features into the same indifference.

A silver-haired boy sailed right past the group on a skateboard. Your heart skipped a beat. Killua Zoldyck. Admittedly, you'd always had a bit of a crush on him since his first appearance. His cool and aloof demeanor appealed to you and you couldn't believe you were actually meeting him in the flesh.

At least with Killua you didn't have to worry that he'd kill you. Sort of.

Not while you were friends with Gon, at least.

Leorio was pitching a fit over Killua's skateboard, as expected. After the little spat, Killua looked back in your general direction. Your cheeks warmed, even though his eyes were only on Gon.

"How old are you?" he asked.

"Twelve!" Gon replied.

"Just like me." In one fluid motion, Killua hopped off his skateboard and kicked it in the air. He easily caught it under his arm without missing a single step. "I'm going to run too. Name's Killua."

"I'm Gon."

Killua turned to Leorio with a big smile. "And you, Mister?"

"Oy, don't 'Mister' me, I'm not that old. We're from the same generation!" Leorio shouted.

"Are you sure?"

"Ugh, that's it! I'm never speaking to you again, Gon!"

You couldn't help giggling at their exchange and at the sight of Kurapika trying to separate himself from the commotion. Even knowing ahead what would happen, it was funny watching it right before your very eyes. Then Killua's blue eyes slid over to you. Your heart jumped.

"I saw you," he said, voice soft. You felt the blush spread to the rest of your face. Killua had noticed you. And he was speaking to you. How many times had you imagined a scenario like this? He mistook your silence for confusion and clarified. "When that guy got his arms cut off. You were in the front."

"O-Oh. Yeah, that was pretty scary," you replied nervously, not wanting to remember it too much. The thought reminded you that Hisoka was still around. Worse yet, you didn't know his exact position. So you opted to change the topic as quickly as possible for your peace of mind. "My name's Raven."

"I don't like you."

The statement was so unexpected that, for a second, all you could do was stare at him blankly. "What?"

"You seem fake," Killua said, his eyes locked on your own. In that moment, they reminded you of ice. So cold and distant. Nothing like how he'd looked at the others.

His words felt like a knife through your chest. It hurt even more coming from one of your favorite characters. While you were certain he didn't know the exact circumstances of your existence, the fact that he read you so well was unnerving. But you should've expected this. He had the sharp mind of an assassin, after all. Much more observant than Gon ever was.

And he was right. Your life here was a lie. You weren't born into this world like everyone else. You forced your way in. You knew more than you should have because you'd cheated.

You didn't belong here.

Tears pricked the corners of your eyes, so you turned away. You swallowed back the lump forming in your throat. "I'm…not," you replied softly.

You were silent from then on, letting the sounds of thumping shoes that echoed around the tunnel fill your ears. Killua went back to talking to Gon. You picked up your pace a little to be closer to Kurapika. Leorio had started lagging behind. After a while, your legs began to burn a little. People were already dropping like flies, splayed over the stairs in exhaustion. You hoped you weren't one of them before the end of this test as you maneuvered around them.

Gon and Killua gradually made their way to the front of the group, still engrossed in their conversation. Gon was most likely talking about his father being a hunter. Leorio had stripped down to his pants and sprinted ahead, determined not to fail. Kurapika had gone after him while asking him questions. You were the only one left behind.

The reality of the situation dawned on you. The others were so focused on their own paths to pay you any mind. They hadn't even bothered to look back.

Your pace started to falter.

Other examinees passed you from behind. From the corner of your eye, you thought you saw Tonpa smirking.

What exactly was your place here? Gon and Killua. Leorio and Kurapika. You were the odd one out. It had been easy to get them to let you in. But it had been just as easy to be forgotten.

If you weren't careful, you would end up all alone. Watching their backs as they walked away, at a pace too fast for you to catch up.

You thought of the life you left behind.

Of all the work you'd put in just getting here.

Of Hisoka's cruel smile as he looked at you.

No, I can't quit. Not now. You forced your legs to work harder, propelling you further. This was what you wanted, wasn't it? To live in their world and be a part of it. What else would you do if you failed? The only life you knew in this world was that of a hunter. Without that license, you were hopeless. Then you might as well have not made your wish at all.

This was your only chance. You knew what would stop you from passing the year after.

So what it things hadn't exactly worked out like you wanted? You were still here and you could still find a way to build the life you'd wanted. It wasn't going to be easy, but nothing in life ever was.

You pushed yourself up the final steps, stepping out into the sunlight. Outside, you rested your hands on your knees as you caught your breath. It was easy to let yourself fall behind.

But you were determined to avoid that fate.