Rated M for violence, nudity, politics, and terrible humor. Some mildly sexual scenes and some sex-related jokes, but no actual depictions of sex.

RWBY and all characters here are creations of Rooster Teeth and Monty Oum, may he rest in peace.

I guarantee no expertise in nor accurate portrayal of wealthy lifestyles, owning a cat, owning a person, PTSD, romance, or class warfare.

This is a crack fic. I suspect that for some readers there will be chapters that will offend your sensibilities, and I understand completely if you chose not to continue reading the fic at any point.

Originally posted on Ao3

-OOO-

It was a riot even before the gunshots.

The crowd panicked. It was loud and bright and busy.

Blake returned later, with the others who had bodies to retrieve. She was the only family left to get her parents.

She knew what she was supposed to do. She borrowed a shovel from a sympathetic comrade.

Blake buried her parents. Then the tears came, cold and idle.

She found a nearby box and lay down to die.

A man's voice woke her up, from somewhere in the distance.

"No, I don't know how this happened. When you outsource your mercenaries, you're bound to have some bad apples. But none of the security at this construction site were under the direct employ of the SDC, so we can't be held responsible..."

Then, much closer and louder, a girl's voice.

"Oh what? Free kitties!"

There was light; Blake's box opened.

There was a human girl, with pale skin and white hair, a fancy white dress and a medical eye-patch around her left eye. She looked down where Blake lay.

A Schnee, a part of Blake remembered. An enemy. Supposedly.

"Yay, there's one left!"

The girl lifted Blake out of the box, by her armpits.

"Ahhhh," screamed the Schnee, "You're so fluffy! Fluffy kitty!"

The Schnee rubbed Blake's hair and head and ears, with its hand and cheek. Blake seemed to recall having her ears rubbed as an enjoyable experience, but she didn't know if it still was, now.

The Schnee rubbed down to her face, rubbing her nose, rubbing eyelids cracked with salt. Blake tried to turn her head away but the girl did not relent.

The Schnee pulled Blake all the way out of the box, after a few bruising missteps and their accompanying apologies.

In the distance another Schnee-the man from before- was talking to some humans in suits. Blake noticed that someone had dug up her hasty graves.

The girl snapped her fingers at her. She offered Blake a stick.

Blake found the stick even less interesting than the girl.

The Schnee ran off three times. The first, she returned with the Wand that Moves the Red Dot. Blake followed the dot with her eyes and head, but never mustered the motivation to chase it.

When Blake rubbed her aching neck, the Schnee dismissed the damnable dot and ran to massage her neck, with a couple apologies and an assurance that she didn't mean to cause any strain.

The Schnee left for a while again. She returned with a ball of yarn.

The Schnee demonstrated how she thought Blake should play with the yarn; throwing and chasing it, swatting at it, biting it. Blake just stared some more.

The third time, the Schnee brought dried meat.

"Are you hungry, kitty?" the Schnee asked.

Blake glanced down towards her stomach. The hunger pangs were there, but Blake didn't feel the motivation to eat.

At least, until the Schnee pushed a clump of jerky into her hand. Blake stuffed it to her face with both hands, shaking her head and growling.

The Schnee still had more. She smirked and waved it in her hand.

Blake followed the meat and grabbed at it. The Schnee pulled it away, up over her head.

Blake pounced on the human girl, sending them both to the ground. The Schnee squealed in delight and was unsucessful in keeping the jerky from Blake.

Blake lay on the ground after she finished eating all the food. The Schnee scritched her stomach. Blake swatted her away the first two times.

At some point someone called the Schnee away.

"C'mon, kitty!" The Schnee lifted Blake to her feet.

Blake was just as tall as the girl, so when the Schnee grabbed her by the stomach and pulled, Blake's legs dragged on the ground.

The Schnee grunted. "Were you the last kitty because you don't know how to walk?

Blake blinked once.

The Schnee propped her up on her feet. Blake noticed that she was slightly taller than the human girl.

Blake decided to lean forward. The Schnee caught her before she fell.

"No kitty! That's not how you walk!"

The Schnee moved Blake's legs in perambulatory motions.

Blake ignored the lesson.

"You'll get hurt if you fall down. You have to walk, see, like me!"

The Schnee demonstrated walking, all high knees, elbows and smiles.

Blake fell forward again. The ground hurt, vaguely.

"Kitty nooooo!"

It was a small comfort when the Schnee rubbed the dirt off her nose.

"Ugh, fine!" said the Schnee. She lifted Blake over her shoulders. "I'll carry you myself."

The Schnee took Blake to the taller Schnee, who Blake had overheard earlier. Blake glanced up briefly, and then returned her gaze to the ground. It was a more natural position for her neck to be in, from where she was being carried.

"Weiss, darling," said the taller Schnee, "What is that?"

"It's a kitty! Can I keep her, daddy? Please please please?"

"Weiss, that is a Faunus. A sentient demi-human with animal aspects."

"Well if you already knew the answer why did you ask me?"

"I don't know if that's really a good thing for a young girl to have..."

"I'll take full responsibility for her! I'll teach her how to walk and talk and read and to believe in all the Schnee ideals! Please, daddy? I'll never ask for anything again! Please can I keep her?"

The conversation continued, like this, for a few minutes.

"I guess," said the taller Schnee, eventually, "You'll have to ask your mother about it.

"Yay! Thanks daddy, I love you!"

"That's not a 'Yes', though, you understand?"

"C'mon, kitty!"

Blake got pulled into a car. The ride was smooth and quiet. Blake played with one of the buttons on the door and let the human girl rub her head.

Blake was brought before another taller Schnee, this one female and very stern. Blake followed the pattern in the carpet with her eyes as the first Schnee held her in her lap as the three of them sat on separate couches.

"I've been thinking about it on the way over, and it would do wonders for our PR-"

"If we keep the thing. Weiss is going to get bored of it in three days and we'll have to give it to the pound or turn it into glue and buttons."

"No I won't!" The Schnee said. Blake got jostled. "I promise I'll take super good care of her and train her and she'll be my friend forever and ever!"

"Weiss, sweetie, you don't know the first thing about taking care of a Faunus," the other taller Schnee said, "They don't even know how to take care of themselves; countless lawyers, nonprofits, and government officials have tried and failed for years."

Blake blinked.

"Well, maybe I'll be the first!" said the Schnee.

Blake blinked again.

"And I can ask the maids for help! Please mommy? Dad already said yes-"

"That's not what I meant-"

"And don't you want me to have friends, mommy? If you're going to be gone all the time you can at least let me have a kitty-"

"Weiss, are you trying to guilt me?"

"Uhhh, may~be."

Blake was cluched tighter. She looked up.

The other taller Schnee smiled. "I'm so proud of you, sweetie. Glad to see those lessons are going better than your swordfighting ones."

The Schnee touched her medical eyepatch. "Y-yes." She refreshed her smile.

The other taller Schnee exhaled. "I suppose there's no harm in letting you keep that thing for at least tonight, provided it doesn't distract you from your studies and it's up to our standards of propriety."

The Schnee hugged Blake to her chest and bounced. "Thanks so much, mom! I love you!"

And Blake was pushed into a bathroom, with care given to how her feet moved. It was large and very fancy and well lit. There was gold on the facet handles and towel rungs. Blake avoided looking in the mirror.

The Schnee ran to one end of the room and turned a faucet and a tub filled up.

The girl walked up to her and in one motion pulled Blake's dirty, patchwork dress off over her head.

The Schnee undressed Blake the rest of the way and pushed her by the shoulders, towards the other end of the room.

And Blake realized just in time that the Schnee was trying to push her into the tub-

Blake grabbed the sides of the porcelain water pit with her hands and feet, splayed out barely above its churning surface. She turned her head back and hissed.

Unfortunately, the tips of her hair touched the water- it'd be gross and slimy now-

"No kitty!" The Schnee tried to push down on her back. Blake's limbs shook as she resisted. "You have to go in the water or my mom won't let me keep you!"

Blake twisted and jumped.

There was a splash from behind her as Blake ran for the door-

It was locked.

Blake turned to hiss at her captor.

The Schnee was dripping wet and smiling madly. Blake scrambled backwards, against the wall, lest she get touched by the water, but it was futile.

As Blake sat in the tub, water up to her neck, she decided that she liked the warmth and maybe even the sensation of having her head and ears rubbed. Soap was still gross though.

And Blake realized that if she sunk into the bathwater a little more, she could blow bubbles. The Schnee seemed to like that.

After the bath, Blake shook herself dry. The Schnee shielded herself and squealed in terror, or perhaps delight.

"I think we're almost the same size, so you can borrow some of my jam-jams."

Blake let her limbs be manipulated as the Schnee dressed Blake in the most comfortable clothes she'd ever worn.

The Schnee pushed Blake by the shoulders into a bedroom and propped her on an armchair. Blake sunk into it.

The Schnee promised she'd be back and left for a while. Blake did nothing.

The room was well adorned, but not personalized. A large closet. A laquered desk. An array of schoolbooks: math and reading and psychological manipulation. A sword propped up against the wall.

A picture frame with four smiling Schnees. A certificate for being the 'best daughter ever'. A trophy from a singing competition.

At some point the Schnee returned, excited, clean and mostly dry and smiling widely.

"You're supposed to sleep on the floor but you can sleep on my bed if you want..."

Blake did nothing.

"Okay, sounds good!"

The Schnee hugged her from behind and squeezed. Blake let herself be pulled onto the softest bed she'd ever felt.

The Schnee didn't bother with a pillow. "Kitty kitty kitty," she mumbled blissfully into Blake's back.

Blake blinked a few times. The bed was soft. The girl at her back was warm, and had locked her in her arms. She couldn't escape easily. It'd be too much of a bother, anyway.

Blake turned her head to the human and opened her mouth. "Blake," she said. Her voice was dry and gravely, and it took all her energy to say.

"Blake? That's your name?"

Blake didn't move.

"That's a nice name. Blake," the Schnee said, to herself. "Blake Blake Blake. Blake Blake Blakey Blake Blake. Blakey Blake Blake Blake."

Now her name just sounded weird.

"I'm Weiss," said the Schnee.

Blake tried to mouth it. She couldn't manage to actually speak the name.

Weiss didn't look dissapointed. She just nuzzled Blake's back some more.

"Blakey Blakey Blakey..." she mumbled.

Blake put her hand on one of Weiss's arms, wrapped around her waist.

She drifted off to sleep.