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"The Play's the Thing"

By EsmeAmelia

Chapter 19

No sail barge took the prisoners to the Sarlacc in the play. Instead, a bunch of mechanical tentacles stuck out of the trap door and wiggled this way and that, which actually looked rather creepy.

"Hey Luke," said the Han actor, "you got a drink? Cause if I'm gonna get digested for a thousand years, I'd rather not be sober for it."

"Sorry, no drink," said the Luke actress. "But don't worry, I'm a badass Jedi now so we're gonna get out of this! Just stay close to Chewie and Lando and you'll be fine."

"Wait, LANDO'S here?" the Han actor shouted. "That no-good backstabber, as soon as I can see again I'll . . ."

"Uh," said the Luke actress, slyly waving her fingers even though a guard actor was tying her hands, "you will completely forget about Lando betraying you."

The Han actor's eyes glazed over. "I will completely forget about Lando betraying me."

"Lando is a great ally. In fact, you will even let him use your ship later."

"Lando is a great ally. In fact, I will even let him use my ship later."

"WHAT?" the real Han shouted, spilling his soda in the process. "As if this play hasn't humiliated me enough, now they think I'm susceptible to mind tricks?"

Lando, meanwhile, couldn't stop chortling. "C'mon Han, being weak-minded is nothing to be ashamed of!"

Han flashed Lando an obscene hand gesture as the 3PO actor stepped up to the prisoners. "Hello there, victims of the Sarlacc!" he said in a jolly voice. "The Wonderful Superlative Invincible Jabba has offered you the opportunity to beg for your lives if you so wish. He might even listen."

"So . . ." said the Han actor, "if we beg for our lives, we might not get digested for a thousand years? That sounds pretty good."

The real Han was fuming. "I wasn't gonna beg in front of Jabba! You guys were there – you know I wasn't gonna do it!"

Meanwhile, the Chewie actor was roaring that he wanted to digest Han for a thousand years and the Jabba balloon was laughing.

"The Might Wonderful Amazing Jabba says to throw you all into the Sarlacc pit," said the 3PO actor. "He hopes you enjoy being digested for a thousand years."

"Hey, what happened to begging for our lives?" the Han actor wailed. "I should at least get a last drink!"

"Don't worry, Han," said the Luke actress. "It's time for the BADASS JEDI KNIGHT to save you! R2!"

"Beep!" shouted the R2 actor as he threw a lightsaber prop over to the Luke actress.

"Ah-HA!" the Luke actress shouted as she grabbed the lightsaber. "Now for some BADASS JEDI ACTION!" She swung the lightsaber back and forth, knocking over various guards. "Oh yeah, you're no match for this BADASS JEDI! Have fun being digested for a thousand years, suckers!"

Meanwhile, the Lando actor unbound the Han and Chewie actors and handed the Han actor a long pole. "Here, take this – it might come in handy."

"Huh, what is it?" asked the Han actor. "What am I holding?"

"Uh, it's the ULTIMATE WEAPON!" shouted the Lando actor. "Just one swing from it will send your enemies INTO THE ABYSS!"

"Swing it, huh?" said the Han actor, seemingly unaware of the Boba Fett actor sneaking up behind him. "Like this?" He swung the pole around, knocking the Boba Fett actor into the trap door.

"NOOOO!" shouted the Boba actor. "This is not how Boba Fett dies! I'll be back! I'll get my revenge! I'll . . ." The tentacles chomped him up and belched loudly.

"Wow, did I just kill Boba Fett?" the Han actor asked. "Guess this really IS the ultimate weapon, huh Lando?" He turned around, but the pole pushed the Lando actor into the trap door.

"HAN, YOU MORON!" the Lando actor screamed, gripping the edge of the trap door.

Meanwhile, the real Han looked like he was about to spill his chips in disgust. "I didn't knock Lando into the pit . . . did I?"

"Maybe, you did, maybe you didn't," said the real Lando.

The actor Han was meanwhile looking from left to right. "Lando? Is that you?"

"YES, it's me!" shouted the Lando actor. "I'm about to get the thousand-year digestion thanks to you!"

"Oh boy," said the Han actor. "I'd give you the ultimate weapon to grab on, but it might go off and kill you, so I'd better find something else."

"No, no, give me the pole – I mean, ultimate weapon! It, uh, won't go off unless . . . uh . . . just give it to me!"

"Uh, okay," said the actor Han, lowering the pole into the trap door – on the side opposite of where the Lando actor was dangling. "Okay Lando, grab on!"

The real Han was grinding his teeth. "I was blind, not stupid."

"You say that like the rest of this play hasn't been portraying you as stupid," muttered the real Leia.

On the stage, the actress Leia was still chained to the Jabba balloon and (of course) wailing. "Oh NO!" she sobbed. "Han, Luke, and Chewie are going to get EATEN! WHYYYYY?" She stepped closer to the trap door, tightening the chain and causing it to scrape against the Jabba balloon. "My Han, my POOR POOR HAN!" She stepped even closer, scraping the chain against the Jabba balloon again. "WHAT WILL I EVER DO WITHOUT YOU?" She took another step closer, which dug the chain into the Jabba balloon and created a hole, causing the air to start hissing out.

"HAN!" the Leia actress kept screaming while the Jabba balloon deflated. "POOR POOR HAN! POOOOOORRRRR HAAAAAAAANNNNN!" Finally the Jabba balloon collapsed into a big rubber blob and the Leia actress turned around to face it. "Oh, hey, did I do that? Wow, I actually did something awesome for once! Wow, and here I was thinking that I was totally useless and would never contribute anything! I guess that means women CAN do things after all!"

In the audience, the real Leia slapped herself.