All right go to the owners of Criminal Minds, except for my original character.

Not Like This

Chapter Thirty-three: It's Time

2:50 A.M.

It all happened so damn fast.

Jamie was positive she was frozen in place. Her heartbeat was thumping in her ears. The blood from the cut on her chin had frozen, making her face feel tight. Her brain could only handle so much stimulation and the pure chaos in the scene before her sent stress pouring into her body. Morgan on Campbell with other surrounding officers, guns at the ready. More officers, sprinting to where they would be the most help. Hotch, JJ, and Rossi seemingly running past her in her daze.

"Oh my god…"

Jamie was pushed aside by paramedics, bringing her out of the shock her body found itself in. Yet, when she thought about it as she forced her feet moved along the ground, she mentally slapped herself. She wasn't the one in immediate danger. Her first stop was Morgan, who assured her he had Campbell handled. No time was wasted as she ran towards the lake. It looked like a dark abyss, the visibility nearly impossible. Voices commanding every other body to perform task, whereas Jamie, who looked at her teammates with desperate eyes, could only stand at the bank.

She made a mental note to thank whatever higher power existed that there were people who knew how to handle the icy water. This had been one of the most difficult cases the team had ever been handed; and here they were at the finish line with one of their own nearly being robbed of their life. Jamie couldn't stop the gasp that came from her as two, almost limp bodies were pulled from the lake. Taylor looked as if she was holding on by the world's thinnest thread. JJ and Rossi walked along her side and paramedics rushed to her side.

"You go with JJ and stay with Taylor." Hotch told Jamie. It was like he knew the fragile stability of her mental state.

"What?" She wanted to see Spencer.

"I know you heard me, Jamie." Hotch said, holstering his gun finally. "Go, now." His look was stern, and Jamie didn't ask again.

She ran towards JJ, careful of the ice beneath her. "How is she?"

"She wasn't in the water for too long, but she has slight hypothermia. They think she'll make it."

Jamie heard all the words, but somehow missed them at the same time. She looked at JJ questioningly, "…right."

"Agents," Grady came up to them, holding out one hand. "I know this was a tough one, but I wanted to sincerely thank you for your help. I hope Dr. Reid makes a full recovery."

"Of course," JJ replied, shaking Grady's hand. "If there's anything else we can do…"

"Not necessary, but I might hold you to that for the future." Grady turned to look at Jamie again, "Agent Carter?"

Jamie instinctively took Grady's hand in her own, "Thank you." It didn't make sense, but Grady accepted it. He walked over to the patrol car that held Campbell.

"Are you riding with me to the hospital?" JJ asked. "You look like you need stiches."

Jamie turned to look at her teammate. She couldn't make out exactly what was going through her mind. Her head felt swollen, but slow at the same time. The whole incident felt like it was slow motion; but in reality, it had happened in a short period of time. Jamie put her fingertips to her chin, feeling the cold skin and the dried blood. "Yeah," she replied, "I'll ride with you."

March 11th, 2015

6:20 A.M.

Jamie needed four stiches in her chin. It was painful and her skin felt dead, but the doctor assured her she would be just fine. She sat with Morgan and Rossi in a small room off to the side of Taylor Schilling's. The girl had several injuries and the unfortunate event of her falling into freezing waters was the cherry on top of her bad luck. Her boyfriend had been dying to see Taylor, nearly crying at the feet of the doctors and pleading with Hotch to let him see Taylor. Eventually, as she became more stable and her body temperature rose, he was allowed by Taylor's side.

That was almost three hours ago.

They could hear footsteps approaching them from down the hall. It was like they could a pin drop in the hospital, it was too quiet. Hotch and JJ came around the corner, entering the room.

"How is he?" Morgan asked, arms crossed and a furrowed brow.

"He'll be okay," JJ answered. "He's got a bit of frost bite, but he won't lose anything."

Jamie remained in her seat, nodding her head to show she acknowledged what they were saying. She was so tired, and she knew the rest of her team was probably just as exhausted. "I hate to be the weak link," she said, standing to her feet, "but I really need some rest. I feel like I'm going to fall over."

Hotch nodded, "We all need some rest. Reid is going to be here for at least another day. Go back to the hotel and get some sleep. All of you."

"I'll stay," JJ said. "I'll stay with Spencer."

Jamie walked out of the room without saying another word to anyone. Her mind told her to go to Spencer's room, just to check on him; but she somehow had enough will power to keep walking straight ahead. The emotional pain was beginning to catch up. She waited for Morgan, Rossi, and Hotch to catch up outside in the parking lot. The grey Kansas sky seemed bright. Maybe it was the snow on the ground. Jamie didn't bother putting on her jacket. She thought she deserved to be cold. A hand was on her shoulder, guiding her to walk with it when she heard the doors open behind her. She simply complied, recognizing the strong presence it radiated. The four of them loaded into one SUV, Morgan in the driver's seat.

"Carter," Hotch voiced before they left the lot, "how're you doing?" He didn't bother looking at her. He was still looking out for her.

Jamie breathed into her nose deeply and let it out a second later. She stared out the window for a moment, deciding what to say. The first case back and she had let her emotions and personal issues get in the way. She needed to be honest with herself. "I need to go see Dr. Ross."

March 13th, 2015

Anxious wasn't a strong enough word to describe the feeling going through Jamie's body. She boot-clad, size eight foot kept knocking against a leg of the coffee table that was in front of her. Her breathing was abnormal, but she tried to even it out. What felt like a whole sixty-minute session was in fact, a leaden fifteen-minutes. Her hands sat pressed together on her lap, her thumb sometimes combing over the smooth skin there.

"You're going to wear out that leg if you keep kicking it." Dr. Ross commented from her chair in the room. Dr. Ross wasn't surprised to hear from Jamie. It had been less than a month since they last spoke. She was well aware of the nature of Jamie's job and how she functioned within that area of her life. There was a moment of realization when they last spoke, that Jamie didn't always allow herself to be in touch with her emotional side. It had put quite the damper on her mental health. "Can I just say," she began, adjusting in her seat, "I am proud of you."

Jamie made the most incredulous face. Could she actually believe the thoughts coming from the lady's mouth? The last time she had heard from of seen Dr. Ross was when Jamie told her of some…recreational activities. "Uh," Jamie cleared her throat. She impulsively tucked some hair behind her left ear. Her efforts to slow her breathing were not working. "Excuse me?"

Dr. Ross gave Jamie a sympathetic look. She sighed a bit, "You called. Jamie, that's all it takes in most cases. You called me when you knew you needed to."

"I'm trying," Jamie said weakly. Before she went to her appointment, she told herself not to get too emotional. It was too easy for her. Being vulnerable wasn't something she allowed herself these days. "My first case back wasn't the easiest."

"When is your job easy?"

"It's not," Jamie said quickly. "I genuinely believe that it takes a special group of people to do what my team and I do."

"And you team is special?"

"Absolutely."

"Okay," Dr. Ross agreed. She finally began writing in her notes. "How was working with them after your leave? Any challenges?"

Jamie thought back, staring off into the wall behind Dr. Ross. "A couple days after you came to my apartment, I went to JJ's house. I apologized." Jamie was shaking her head as she finished the sentence. Her eyes met back with Dr. Ross when continued. "She seemed to accept it, but I'm not that convinced."

"Why is that?"

"She was just cold. She still had her sling on. I'm sure it's a constant reminder of how incompetent I am." Jamie rubbed her forehead, slightly frustrated. She knew what she wanted to tell Dr. Ross. It was proving problematic to be truthful. Silence followed her last statement and she figured Dr. Ross wouldn't continue with the questions until she suspected Jamie was finished. "So, we were in Kansas this past week. And…I don't know what triggered it, but I had some kind of PTSD episode."

Dr. Ross's interest was at its peak that instant. Not that it wasn't before, but this is what she was waiting for. She nodded her head, queuing Jamie to continue.

"Texas," Jamie said blatantly. "It really fucks with my head at the most inconvenient times." Jamie's eyes widened a bit, realizing what she'd just said. "I'm sorry," she apologized quickly. She was almost ashamed. When there was no reaction from Dr. Ross, she thought about what to say next. Yet, she had something to physically show as a result of her episode. She sat in silence.

"What did you do when that happened?"

Still thinking, Jamie questioned whether or not to show Dr. Ross her scratches. She knew it could go wrong for her. She decided against it. "I ended up in JJ's room."

"Oh," Dr. Ross voiced curiosity. "How did she react to that?"

"I should be grateful. She helped me when she didn't have to."

"Do you still believe that she doesn't forgive you?"

Jamie shrugged like a child, "I don't know. Even if she doesn't right now or when I see her in a little bit, I'm sure she will eventually."

"What makes you so sure of that?"

"She's JJ..."

A grin fell upon Dr. Ross's face, her pen moving along her paper. "Okay, what about Agent Hotchner?"

"He was leaning over me most of the time. I mean, rightfully so. I am the rogue agent."

"How did you feel about that?"

"It obviously wasn't ideal. I put myself in that situation. My own actions have put me here in your office right now."

"I do see your logic," Dr. Ross granted "However, I'm wondering where all of this self-blame is coming from."

"I was born self-blaming. My whole life has been a series of consequences because of the things I choose." Jamie pondered, "If you ask me, it sounds like I'm pretty self-aware."

"A self-aware person is able to manage their emotions, as well as emotions from others."

Jamie's jaw clenched. "What are you saying?"

"Did you ever speak to Spencer about what we had discussed?" The topic was sudden, but not unexpected. Somehow, Spencer Reid always came up.

Jamie leaned her elbows on her knees, her eyes slightly squinting at her therapist. A side grin creeped up on her face. "Don't you think it's rude to answer a question with another question? If Socrates was here right now, he would tell you that you already know the answer to your own question."

"Is that you admitting that you never spoke to him about a situation that's weight on you a great deal? Perhaps it's the trigger of your PTSD episode. Maybe you still haven't come to terms with the role this man plays in your life. And if I'm being honest, I don't see him leaving the picture anytime soon."

"Jeez," Jamie straightened up. "Why don't you just say what you really think…" It wasn't a question, but more of a sour feeling in her gut.

"I assume you two worked together during the case, yes?"

"Of course, we did." Jamie thought back to the case. It obviously wasn't smooth sailing. Her and Spencer clashed since the beginning. How could they not? Unresolved tension does nobody any good. "And it is what it is…" No, that wasn't good enough. She was holding back and that's exactly what she didn't want to do anymore. Why even bother Dr. Ross if she wasn't going to be straight? "He actually got hurt on this one. Pretty badly…" Jamie took a second to compose herself. "Towards the end of the case, he was doing his job," she recalled the events with a humorless laugh. "And he ended up in the water. Below freezing temperatures. He's lucky he made it out."

"What was your reaction?"

"I froze like a coward. I swear it was only a second, but by the time I got there, there was a team pulling both him and the victim from the water. Agent Hotchner made me go with Agent Jareau and Agent Rossi when he was being taken to the ambulance."

"Do you agree with his actions?" Dr. Ross wondered.

"I didn't at first, but I promise I didn't fight him on it. I did as I was told."

"I'm genuinely curious. How is Agent Reid doing now?" Dr. Ross sounded a tad worried.

"He's okay," Jamie told her. "He got some frost bite, but it's nothing he won't come back from."

"That's good to hear."

"Hm," Jamie hummed in agreement. Sighing, she understood within herself that she needed to come clean. "Every time I look at him, I feel so damn guilty." She rested her face in her hands, swearing this was all for the best.

"Why so?"

"Because I'm a terrible person," she thought to herself. In thinking that, she would always stand by the fact that she never thought it was selfish to take care of herself first all those years ago. She was her own priority and perhaps she wasn't mature enough to stand by another human being. She felt it deep in her core that she loved him, and it would always come back to that. One turn of events had haunted her and would continue to do so. In more recent days, it felt as though her mind, body, and her own self did not belong to her. She appeared disjointed, ripped from the soul inhabiting the flesh and blood she was made of. Her safety and sanity proved tough to preserve. It was one moment that would visit her in her remaining days on earth; especially at the most inconvenient times. She planned to tell him. She knew what to expect. "I don't even know how to answer that." A voice crack, one of the signs of emotional toil and vulnerability. Jamie Carter swore to herself that she ruined her life a long time ago. She was afraid to say too much or not enough, to feel deeply for the things and people she loved. When she did, it never turned out the way she thought it would. She ended up hurting people. She ended up wrecking herself, too.

"Let me guess, it's complicated, right?" Dr. Ross moved from her chair across from her patient. Even though that's technically what Jamie was, Dr. Ross liked to imagine she wasn't doing a job. She imagined she was helping a friend. The older woman sat down on the cushion next to Jamie, who still had her face in her hands.

Jamie inhaled a strong breath through her nose, lifting her head from her palms. "It'll always be complicated."

"Jamie," Dr. Ross was trying to be as compassionate as she could. "We are moving in circles here." It had been clear from the beginning of her meetings with Jamie that the girl was hiding something. Her task was to get to the bottom of it. She just wanted to help. "I'm here to help, but I think you know what the root of your guilt is. And whether you chose to tell me or not, is up to you. But I can't provide you with my care when you won't be honest with yourself. That's where it starts…the healing."

A tear fell down Jamie's face. She couldn't help it and took a tissue from the table in front of her. "Dr. Ross," she started, deciding if what she was about to say would truly start her healing. "I did something…so unforgivable." She turned to look at Dr. Ross, another tear streaming down her cheek. "I know exactly what the root of my guilt is. I just…don't know how I'm supposed to say it out loud."

Dr. Ross nodded, "The fact that you acknowledge it is a start." She offered Jamie a small, caring smile. "I think you're ready to go a step further, though."

"Is it hot in here?" Jamie suddenly asked. She shrugged off her jacket in a hurry and her breathing sped up, too. "I swear it just got a million times warmer." She stood up for the first time in almost an hour and started pacing. "I'm scared," she admitted. "I don't know the consequences that are going to happen because I've never really faced them." Her body was sent into a form of disbelief. She laughed a bit, stopping in her tracks. Her right index finger went to her mouth, where she started biting on the nail. "I know I have to face them."

Dr. Ross sat silently. Her method of saying nothing, so another could say everything might've paid off in this case.

"I need to talk to Spencer." Jamie scoffed, thinking of what was about to come. "Like, seriously…"

March 14th, 2015

Everything was about to change.

Jamie pulled in front of Spencer's apartment. Her effort to find enough willpower to go inside like she had discussed with Dr. Ross, was seeming faint. It was time to own up to her guilty. She knew he was doing better from talking to Morgan. He was almost reluctant to tell her, but he thought she needed to know just like the others.

"Okay," she spoke to herself. "you know he deserves to know." Jamie got out of her car and started walking inside the building, to the door. Knocking on the door, Jamie knew it was a mistake. Yet, as fate would prove, it was too late to run. The door opened just as her mind was screaming to abort mission. "Hey, Spencer…" Her voice was timid, and her mouth went dry.

"Hey, Jamie…" Spencer wasn't entirely surprised to see her at his door. "Why are you here?"

Jamie took a couple of breaths and swallowed harshly. "I know you just went through something, like, nearly dying and stuff…" Where the hell was she going with this? "Look, I really need to talk to you."

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