Sense and Feeling

There was never a true point of origin for him. Or at least one event that he could trace back to and declare "the beginning".

As much as he tried to make sense of his feelings, he could not, for all his worth, pinpoint the exact moment, or phrase, or smile. Whatever it was, it had wormed itself into his carefully-guarded heart, seemingly without any difficulty.

By the time the earthshaking realization was upon him, all attempt to extricate such a feeling from his heart was met with absolute failure.

At first he tried to ignore it.

Tried in vain.

Tried not to notice the way his eyes seemed to instinctively search for her in the crowd. Tried to ignore the quickening of his heartbeat whenever his name crossed her lips. Tried to ignore the way he jerked into attention whenever her name was mentioned.

So he tried to deny it.

As he knew most of her routine, he went out of his way to avoid her. Taking different hallways to arrive to his destination. Making excuses that he was too busy during the lunch hour to sit with her and the brown-haired digidestined of courage.

But that backfired. The more he tried to stay away from her, the more overwhelming the feelings became. As if they were trying to spill out of his heart and into his soul.

So he tried to rationalize it.

Surely these feelings were due to close companionship. To the life and death adventures they shared in that strange Digital World. Surely these feelings he was experiencing had a completely logical explanation. The way he felt for her was undoubtedly the same way he felt towards his other female digi-destined.

But no. She stood out to him. Too much.

In group meetings, it was her face his eyes would constantly find rest on. Whether to read her feelings, or take notice of her expressions, or simply to note the way she constantly swept the left side of her hair behind her ear.

His feelings, like a shadow, would follow her. And only her.

His hope that these emotions were comparable to those he held for all the other female digi-destined was in vain.

So he questioned it.

Why her? And when?

But he arrived at no answer.

At first he grew angry, frustrated with himself for always chasing futile feelings. No matter their origin, no matter their existence, these feelings had no future. They could only bring pain.

But that anger and frustration would dissolve as soon as he would glimpse her smiling eyes looking back at his.

And so he embraced it.

Those feelings that he had for so long been fighting, he finally yielded to their strength and accepted them.

And treasured them so deep in his heart they became the furnace keeping the cold at bay.

He cherished her from a distance, never allowing himself the chance to hope for more.

And loved her, like a fool, all by himself.

Until she found him.

On a cold winter's night, she found him.

And he saw that they were the same. Two fools.

That her feelings, like a shadow, followed him all along too.

And so they "began".

I was cooking dinner when my playlist chose "That Woman" by Baek Ji Young.

This song that for so long inspired my Sorato heart finally gave me the inspiration to return back to the only ship I have ever truly given so much of my thoughts to.

If you have not heard it, I urge you to. You do not need to understand the language to understand the feelings of this song. And in equal parts I urge you to look up the translation. It is so beautiful.

Thank you for any reviews. They are always appreciated.

God Bless!