AN: Hello, everyone! So this is my new fanfiction, Drama Club! This story has actually been sitting on my phone for a while now; I wrote this some time this month, and I initially wanted to upload this after finishing my other fanfic, Temporary Bliss. But my impatient side came out, and I didn't want to waste the idea, so while I'm still in the mood (and to keep myself writing. Practice makes perfect!), I decided that nah, scratch that, I'll put this up.

So this is rated T although there might be offensive jokes and dialogue plus some sexual implications (though I really don't think it warrants a M). But just to be clear, though, there won't be any smut in here — I never could make myself write that, no matter how hard I try — so yeah. I decided to write this humorous (at least, on my view) fic because I really need some happiness in my life right now. This is pure crack, and ridiculous beyond reality. Don't worry, this won't interfere with Temporary Bliss. I already worked out a schedule.

Anyway, enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan.

Chapter 1: First Day Shenanigans

"Tell me again how you all managed to set half the gymnasium on fire?"

Eren, Mikasa, Armin, Annie, Sasha, Connie, Hitch, and Marlowe were all cramped inside the tiny office of the Principal, their shoulders touching as they sat on the only available couch in the room. Everyone was quiet, and Armin looked like he was close to tears. Hitch made a disgusted face as she was squeezed between Marlowe and Sasha, while Mikasa glared at the wall as if it had offended her.

After a few minutes of silence, Eren looked over to where Hitch was, pointing a finger before saying firmly: "It was her fault."

"Seriously, Jaeger?" she said flatly. She crossed her arms. "Pointing? What do you think this is, fuckin' kindergarten?"

Connie laughed. "Eren is a kid."

"You're not helping, Connie," said Armin.

"See? She's that bad; she even swore in front of you, sir!" said Eren eagerly, ignoring Connie and turning around to face the principal.

Principal Erwin Smith sighed. He rubbed his temples and said, "Stop accusing people, Mr. Jaeger. The way I see it, all of you are at fault here. Also, please refrain from using foul language when you're in my presence, Ms. Dreyse."

Hitch huffed. "Yeah, whatever."

"So, like I said, how on earth did you set fire on the gymnasium?" he repeated. "On the very first day of classes, too."

"Um, well," said Eren, scratching the back of his head.

"We were trying to stop Hitch and Marlowe from pulling a prank on Armin, sir, and we ended up knocking alcohol all over the school banner, and Hitch, being the idiot that she is, dropped a cigarette lighter over it." explained Annie in full speed.

"FYI, I only dropped the lighter because Jaeger here tried to get it from me. And then Ackerman decided she would help him, so it turned into an all-out brawl until we didn't realize the lighter had slipped from our grasp and went flying straight into the banner." clarified Hitch.

"It won't change the fact that you tried to prank Armin," said Annie coolly. "And that you had a cigarette lighter with you inside campus, which, if I remember correctly, is supposed to be prohibited."

"Wow Annie, I didn't know you read the school handbook," said Sasha, amazed.

"I didn't," she replied.

* An excerpt from an interview with Annie *

Annie: When you're in a relationship with the school's valedictorian and class president, you tend to learn boring stuff — like it's completely wrong to use the handicap stall in the first floor restroom. Still didn't stop us from making out in there, though. Hey, I'm technically the campus's first lady, so I have certain privileges.

"Did it also say in the handbook that clean-freak nerds are not allowed inside the gym?" said Hitch. "If Arlert hadn't been too busy washing his hands with alcohol while walking, there wouldn't have been a fire in the first place. No alcohol, no combustion!"

"Yeah, blame science," commented Armin dryly. "You do know that cloth is highly combustible, regardless whether or not it had been soaked in alcohol —"

"Blah, blah, and more blah."

"Oh, go die in a fire, Hitch."

"Let's stack up handbooks and burn them!"

"Like Bonfire Night."

"Enough!"

"You should all be reading the handbook," said a voice from behind them, making them all jump. "If you did, you shitty brats wouldn't be in this situation right now."

Professor Levi Ackerman had just entered the room along with Professors Hange Zoe and Petra Ral. They took the three stools behind Principal Erwin's desk and sat there, eyeing the students. Looked like they were finished clearing out the gym, thought Eren. He felt queasy. Judging from the looks on the others' faces, they felt the same.

* An excerpt from an interview with Eren *

Eren: Kids, remember this: the more teachers involved, the more fucked up you are. So when those three came in, I knew we screwed up big time.

"Sir, I admit we did intend to prank Arlert, but —" Marlowe began.

"I feel so betrayed right now," said Hitch.

He ignored her. "But we never thought it would end up like that. We never wanted to destroy anything. It was just for laughs…at least, at first. We're terribly sorry."

"Huh," said Annie, unconvinced. "Armin's hands have some burns in them, idiot. Do you think that's funny?"

"It was his fault!" said Marlowe. "He tried to put out the flames using his bare hands!"

"I panicked!" said Armin defensively.

"No shit, Sherlock," piped up Professor Ackerman. "When we arrived, you were too busy crying over your hands to even stop Springer from putting out the fire using his varsity jacket."

"I did what I could," said Connie.

"You were fanning the damn fire, Springer," he said.

"Levi, watch your mouth," the Principal reprimanded.

"Hah! Scolded." said Professor Zoe, grinning. Levi glared at her.

"Now, now," said Professor Ral. She smiled kindly at them. "What's done is done. Let's all stop blaming each other, shall we? Why don't we all forgive each other and behave like good students from now on."

"Ma'am, you are an angel!" cried Sasha.

"But what do we do with them?" asked Professor Zoe. "Suspend them?"

"Seems like the best option," said Principal Smith. "But it is just the start of the school year. It's a shame if we have to suspend these many students at the first day of classes."

"Perhaps we should call their parents and put this on their records. After all, they do need to pay for the damage. That would teach them a lesson." suggested Professor Ackerman.

"What?" said Armin, standing up. No, they can't do that. He had no parents, and his grandfather doesn't really earn much. He'd be disappointed when he hears the news. Besides, Armin needed his record clean; he was planning on studying in a prestigious college once he graduated. "No, please, no."

Professor Ackerman raised an eyebrow. "But we need to discuss this with them. Rules are rules, Mr. Arlert. As class president, you should know that."

Armin looked like he was going to cry. Tears threatened to spill from the corners of his eyes, and his friends looked at him with sympathy. Eren and Mikasa knew how much his reputation and grades meant to him — they'd watched him struggle through school ever since first grade, after all. Also, it made them guilty. Armin had tried to stop them from going after Hitch and Marlowe, but they didn't listen.

Annie spoke up. "Please leave Armin out of this. Put it on my record if you want. I'll even call my dad and ask him to pay for the damage."

* An excerpt from an interview with Petra and Levi *

Petra: No one really knows how Armin and Annie got together. The school nerd and the campus ice queen. I guess it's "opposites attract" and all that jazz. I mean, she could carry a ten kilogram sack without breaking a sweat while Armin could barely lift a thick book.

Levi: It was truly a match made in heaven. Although I'm pretty sure the gender roles are reversed.

Petra: Everyone can't believe it. I remember the school newspaper creating a poll on how Annie got Armin as her boyfriend. I forgot which choice won. Do you?

Levi: Yeah. 87% voted for 'death threat'.

"Yeah," agreed Eren. "Write it down our records all you want, but Armin did nothing."

The others — besides Hitch and Marlowe, of course — nodded their agreement. The professors looked at Principal Smith, waiting.

"Hmm," he said. "You are our best student, but I'm sorry, we can't make an exception for you. It would be unfair to everyone else here. And besides, Professor Ackerman is right — there's still the payment we have to talk about."

Professor Zoe looked at the kids with pity. How could they pay for the damage without involving their parents? Suddenly, her face lit up and she shouted: "Lightbulb!"

"Gods no," muttered Professor Ackerman. "Who are you, fucking Gru?"

"Shut up, Bilbo Baggins," she said. " Hah. References. Principal Smith, I have a suggestion."

"What is it?"

"Please let them join the Drama Club."

* An excerpt from an interview with Hange *

Hange: I've been trying to revive the Drama Club for almost three years now. The last time they performed was about five years ago, when they had to be disbanded due to the fact that someone thought it was a good idea to swing from the ceiling using one of the headlights. It didn't go well. I am pretty sure three people ended up in the hospital. But I believe now's the time for a fresh start!

"Pardon?" said Hitch. "Did you just say Drama Club?"

"Hange, I already told you —" said the Principal, but she cut him off.

"Hear me out. Every year, the school does a fund-raising project, right? What if we do a play this year? That way, they earn the money to pay the damage through hard work. Also, it would teach them teamwork and responsibility — the school and their fate is resting on this, after all." she explained. "I'll be their adviser. I will personally make sure that they do it right."

"Like that's any assurance," said Professor Ackerman.

"No blowing up of things, I promise!" replied Professor Hange, putting a hand over her heart.

"I think it's great," put in Professor Ral.

"Drama Club," said Annie dully. "I think I'd rather empty my dad's bank account paying this school rather than joining that shit."

"For once, I agree with dead-eye here." said Hitch.

"Also, we have other things to think of. Eren and I are on the basketball team, Sasha has cheer leading practices, and Armin has, uh, nerd activities." said Connie.

"Math Club, Debate Team, Student Council meetings —" said Armin.

"Yeah, that stuff."

Eren nodded. "We're really not the acting type."

"Know what? I think I like the idea." said Professor Ackerman suddenly.

* An excerpt from an interview with Levi *

Levi: I wasn't actually a fan of the idea, but an opportunity to get Jaeger to embarrass himself in front of the whole school? I can't pass that up, especially since he's been getting too cuddly with my niece lately.

"Uncle," said Mikasa. "I thought you hated theater."

"One: you will call me Professor at school, Mikasa; two: I do like theater, because if I didn't, would I watch High-5 with you when you were a kid? Three: Professor Zoe is right."

"Thank you, Levi."

"And High-5 isn't theater."

"Grown-up people in colorful costumes singing songs and talking to puppets? Speak for yourself, Mikasa."

Principal Smith cleared his throat loudly. "It looks like Professor Zoe might be up to something here. It is true that we have not yet decided which fundraiser to do this year, and I do think that you kids need a lesson."

"Will our records be clean if we agree?" asked Armin.

"If you succeed and reach the required amount of money to fix the gym, then yes, you will be record-free." answered the Principal.

"I'm in."

"What?" said Annie, looking at him. "Armin, you have never acted in front of an audience before."

Armin opened his mouth to respond.

"Your YouTube tutorials don't count. Teaching people how to memorize the Periodic Table of Elements in three easy steps isn't acting."

Armin closed his mouth.

* An excerpt from an interview with Armin *

Armin: Yeah, I do YouTube tutorials. I have ten thousand subscribers at the moment. But that's not all I do; I also do live reactions. Annie even joins me sometimes (although she always puts her hood up to cover her face). I also let her be my site moderator — she keeps the spoilers away. Best girlfriend ever.

Mikasa shook her head. If her uncle was aboard the plan, then she can't really say no. She was pretty sure he would rat her out to her parents if she refused. If they knew about what happened, they'd ground her, and she wouldn't be able to see Eren for, what, a week? The thought was unbearable.

"If Armin's in it, then I am too," she piped up. Her uncle smiled at her in a way that could only be described as shit-eating.

"M-Mikasa, are you sure?" asked Eren. She stared at him and nodded. He sighed. "Fine. I'll do it."

"Me too, then." chirped Annie.

"The others?" asked the Principal.

Sasha shrugged. "I'm cool with it."

"Yeah, sure." said Connie.

Hitch rolled her eyes and gestured to Marlowe. "Like we have a choice."

Principal Smith nodded. "It's settled, then. The Drama Club is officially established."

Professor Zoe clapped. "Hell yeah — I mean, good." she looked at them over her round glasses. "We are going to have so much fun!"

* An excerpt from an interview with Eren *

Eren: I highly doubt that. Sure, we wanted to get Armin out of it at first, but now that we're finally starting Drama Club, we all blame him.

"Drama Club?"

"Yes," replied Eren to his mother. "Armin, Mikasa, Annie, and I are joining."

"I never thought you had dreams of being an actor." she said as she set the table.

"I did too." he said sadly.

The four of them were in Eren's living room, spending some free time; they had been dismissed early due to the incident. Armin was reading on the floor, his highlighter in hand. Annie sat next to him, munching on a Mars bar and switching channels on the television. Mikasa laid on the couch, her arm draped over her eyes. Eren poked her side.

"What's up with you?" he asked.

"I'm going to kill my uncle." she said simply.

He laughed. "Just give as a heads up so we wouldn't be surprised if he suddenly turns up dead."

She gave a thumbs up. "Will do."

"So Drama Club," said Annie. She shut down the TV. "Obviously, we need to perform something good enough to earn a considerable amount of money."

"The only thing people watch these days is anything with big boobs in them," said Eren.

"Looks like Mikasa needs to wear a two-piece then." said Annie.

"I'll only do it if you do, too."

"I have like, size two breasts."

"There's a miracle called foam."

"No way."

"Annie's body is perfectly alright, thank you very much," said Armin, not looking up from his book.

Eren said teasingly, "You of all people should know that."

"I'm pretty sure I'd stab your eyes out if you know it better than me, Eren." he replied.

"That's pretty dark."

"Anyway, it doesn't really matter. We have to put up something decent. I don't have any experience in acting, and this is against my will, but I don't want to embarrass myself."

"Too late," said Annie in a singsong voice.

"It didn't look like it was 'against your will' back in the office." quipped Mikasa.

"I did what was best for all of us!" countered Armin.

"Still won't stop me from doing this," said Eren, holding up his middle finger.

"Aww," said Armin. "Best friends forever, right?"

"I want to kill you. Can I, Annie?"

"No. You can beat him up, though."

"Sweetie!"

"Don't even call me that."

"Honey?"

"Say another word and I'll help Eren beat you."

"No beatings," Mrs. Jaeger's voice drifted from the kitchen. "I don't want blood over my new table cloth."

"Fuck the table cloth." muttered Eren.

* An excerpt from an interview with Mikasa *

Mikasa: Looks like we really are going to do a play. It seemed mortifying at first, sure, but I guess it isn't all that bad. We just have to say some lines and use plastic props, right? It shouldn't be so hard.

[Hange's voice comes in the background] : Mikasa? Where are you? The new costumes are here, and wow, what's this stuff — aaaah! Dammit Sasha, I told you to bring artificial fog, not frogs! And live ones, too!

Mikasa: You know what, forget it. This is definitely going to be a failure.