First Steps

The Spiderman night light cast a soft, comforting glow around the small bedroom, gently illuminating the face of the child slumbering peacefully in the twin bed. Wyatt Logan carefully sat on the side of his son's bed, relieved that the five-year-old was finally asleep. James Wyatt Logan, nicknamed Jamie by his mother, was so excited about starting kindergarten in the morning that it had been difficult to get him settled down for the night. Wyatt was pretty much exhausted, and it was only 9:00 p.m.

Jamie had been looking forward to his first day of "big boy" school all summer and by bedtime, was so wound up that his dad wasn't sure he would ever go to sleep. But eventually, after his bath and brushing his teeth, several bedtime stories, and pressing a kiss to the picture of his mom on the night stand beside the bed, the little boy had grown quiet, and after one last "Night, Daddy, love you", had closed his eyes, hopefully to sleep until morning.

Wyatt gazed down at his son and finally gave in to the melancholy that had hung around him like a fine mist all day. Tomorrow was another important day that his wife Jessica would miss, just another in a series of milestones in their son's life. It had been over four years since she had been tragically killed by a drunk driver, and while he missed her so much every day, the "milestone" days really made his heart ache.

Jess had been a wonderful mother in the short time before her sudden death, and she had rejoiced in her pregnancy and every stage of Jamie's young life. His son's first day of school tomorrow was just another of those special days they would celebrate without her. As he sat there listening to Jamie's quiet breathing, his mind unwillingly slipped back to that devastating day in February when their lives had changed forever...

Flashback

Eight-month-old Jamie Logan was thoroughly enjoying his bath, his bright blue eyes opening wide with delight at every splash of warm water made by his chubby hands, while Wyatt was trying rather unsuccessfully to wash his squirming son without the bathroom floor getting soaked. He had offered to bathe the baby while Jess ran an errand, and hoped to have Jamie clean and dressed in his pajamas before she returned. The sound of Jamie's giggles made Wyatt smile in spite of himself.

Finally, as the bath water was starting to cool down, he was able to get the little boy dried off, diapered, and ready for bed. The gentle creak of the rocking chair and a bedtime bottle helped Jamie drift off to sleep, and after he carefully laid him in his crib, Wyatt glanced down at his watch, dismayed at how much time had passed since Jessica had left home. She had been gone now for over two hours, quite a bit longer than seemed necessary for the quick trip to Target to pick up a few things. He tried calling her cell phone, but his call went straight to voice mail. His heart beat faster as he told himself that maybe she had run into one of her friends at the store and had lost track of the time, or maybe she was held up in traffic. Deep down, though, he knew she would have called him if she was going to be gone longer than she had thought, and he fought to contain the sense of panic building in him. Later on, he would vaguely remember thinking, "She's fine and will be walking in the front door any minute now", one of the few things he actually did recall from that evening. After turning on the night light and leaving the baby's door open a few inches, he went downstairs to wait for his wife.

Some time later, a loud knock on his front door startled him awake. Quickly crossing the room, he pulled open the door and was stunned to see two police officers, an older man and a woman around his age, standing there. The male officer asked "Are you Wyatt Logan? Husband of Jessica Logan?" Wyatt felt his knees go weak and had to grab the door frame to remain standing. "Why don't we sit down, Mr. Logan?" the female officer suggested kindly, walking him over to the sofa just as his legs gave out.

What followed over the next few hours was a nightmare of shock, denial, anger, and grief. Even to this day, all he could remember were a few hazy images and bits of phrases like "drunk driver ran a red light...Mrs. Logan's car was T-boned...she had died instantly, hadn't felt a thing..." Both then and now, on the rare occasion when he let himself even think about that night, he fervently hoped with all his heart that the police officers weren't just murmuring platitudes, that Jess had left this life in an instant. It was the only way he could begin to process his great loss, and eventually cope with his overwhelming despair in the years after.

He actually had very few clear memories of the first few months after his wife's death, the result of climbing into a whisky bottle and staying drunk for days at a time. Thank God for their good friends, Dave "Bam Bam" Baumgardner and his wife, Julie. Bam Bam was a fellow training instructor at Pendleton he had known since basic, and the two young couples were close, spending quite a bit of time together over the years. Arriving on his doorstep within an hour of the police visit, they had jumped in and taken care of him and his son those terrible first days, and for weeks afterward, in spite of Julie expecting their first child, Annie, and suffering from severe morning sickness at the time.

He still felt ashamed when he thought how weak and useless he had been during that dark time, unable to climb out from under his crushing grief. Jamie spent a good part of each day at Bam Bam and Julie's home because Wyatt was usually too drunk most of the time to barely see to his own needs, let alone care for an infant less than a year old.

As the days and weeks blurred into months, the turning point for Wyatt came around the time of his little boy's first birthday. He had recently returned to Pendleton from a leave of absence after Jessica's death, and had made a determined effort to really cut back on his drinking and decided to not drink at all that day because Julie had insisted on having a small party for Jamie. He and Bam Bam had arrived at the Baumgardner's home after work, and were standing in the front hall when they heard Julie's voice coming from the kitchen saying "You can do it, Jamie, what a big boy!" and around the corner came his son, taking his first steps with a big grin on his face.

Wyatt was torn between pride at Jamie's accomplishment and sorrow that Jess would never see her son take those first steps. He heard Julie encourage the little boy, "Go see Daddy, Jamie" and knelt down with his arms open. Bam Bam stood beside him smiling, and the three adults practically held their collective breaths as the boy carefully wobbled toward the two men. The happy smiles on their faces quickly fell away as Jamie made a beeline for Bam Bam and fell against the other man, babbling "Da Da Da" and smacking his pudgy hands on Bam Bam's legs. Stunned silence filled the hallway. Wyatt would have sworn after the past few months that he didn't have any heart left to break, but apparently he did because whatever beat in his chest had just shattered into a million pieces. His son thought another man was his father.

And the worst part was the bitter realization that what had just happened was entirely of his own making. He had withdrawn from the world into his own grief and sorrow and neglected the most precious gift that Jess would ever give him. She would have been so disappointed in him, and that hurt almost as much as losing her. Wyatt slowly stood up, a pained half smile on his face, and tried to brush it off by saying "Guess I need to spend more time with this little guy", but it was too late. Both Baumgardners wore sad expressions, and after a strained dinner, he quickly gathered up Jamie and his things and took him home.

After a bath and bedtime story, he slowly rocked the toddler to sleep. Putting him in his crib, he stood there and for the first time in a long while, really looked at his son. Jamie's arm was wrapped around his favorite toy, a stuffed giraffe that Jess had bought when they had found out she was pregnant.

It was then that tears welled up in Wyatt's eyes, spilling down his face. He made it downstairs as far as the living room before dropping to his knees beside the sofa. Harsh, agonized sobs tore from his throat as shame and grief consumed him. Holding his face in his hands, he whispered over and over "I'm sorry, so sorry" and honestly had no idea who he was apologizing to: Jamie, for ignoring him while he wallowed in his own pain and sadness; Jess, for neglecting their son in the months since she died; maybe even Bam Bam and Julie, for taking advantage of the love and compassion they felt for him and his son, even when their own child was due to be born in just a few weeks. Finally, his sobs dwindled to a few sniffles and hiccups. Wyatt's head throbbed and his throat felt raw, but taking a deep breath, he realized that he felt lighter now, almost peaceful. It was at that moment he made a solemn vow, to Jamie, to Jess, but especially to himself, from that day on, he'd always put his son first, and devote himself to taking the very best care of him that he could and being the kind of father Jamie deserved.

End Flashback

It was a decision that Wyatt had never once regretted. Aside from a rare social drink now and then with his friends, he very seldom drank alcohol, and in spite of Julie's determined and (at times) fairly obvious "matchmaking" efforts, he never even looked at another woman, let alone went on a date. He was perfectly content with the life he and Jamie had together. The years seemed to pass quickly, and his baby son grew into a bright, happy preschooler with his mom's blond hair and wide smile (and his dad's eyes) who adored tee ball, Spiderman, and pizza. And now, in the morning, Jamie would take another set of first steps by starting kindergarten. Wyatt would be entrusting his beloved child to another person, a teacher he'd yet to meet. Even as the now familiar pang of sadness touched his heart, Wyatt's great love for his son and the joy he brought to his life lifted his spirits, and he realized that he, too, was looking forward to tomorrow.