She knew better than that, she knew this was never meant for her, knew that this would end in heartbreak sooner or later.
Kara was practically living in the exquisite fourbedroom apartment that Lena bought when she moved to National City, so she was just waiting to ask her to move in.
Life was good, no, life was perfect with Kara in it.
But something was up with the blonde, the last couple of weeks she had been acting strange, avoiding eyecontact, avoiding questions about her day and Lena was worried about her.
Thats when those four horrible words were uttered by Kara "we need to talk", a few weeks before the one year anniversary and Lena gulped, heart already on the verge of breaking.
"Lena, I haven't been honest with you and that needs to change. I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you this sooner but I didn't know how" Kara had said and Lena's jaw tensed, waiting for her life to fall apart.
"I- I'm not who you think I am. I mean- I- I am, in a way, I never pretended to be someone I'm not. I was just never truly honest about who I am"
Lena opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out as Kara held her hand up "please let me finish or I'll lose the nerve"
Thoughts were running a mile a minute trough Lena's head, what could she have been lying about?
What could be so horrible that she was afraid to tell the one person who promised to love her unconditionally, without judgement.
Lena wasn't sure anymore if the woman she fell in love with was someone that she actually knew.
"Okay so I- I'm not from around- here" Lena's eyebrows furrowed in a question and Kara continued "I'm not- I'm not from earth. I came here when I was thirteen when my planet exploded"
Now Lena was more sure than ever, she didn't know the woman she fell in love with "you're- you're an alien?" she breathlessly whispered and Kara nodded.
"My cousin and I are the only survivors of the planet. We're the last children of K-Krypton" Lena's face went neutral, no more emotion was readable from it.
It all made sense now, the interrupted dates, the times she would get a call and she had to run away or when she said she had a lead but never wrote an article about it.
"Why didn't you tell me Kara?" hurt, confusion and anger slipped trough the question "Why lie for two years? Have I ever indicated that I would not be okay with that?"
Kara shook her head violently "No! I just-" but there was no time to finish the sentence as Lena cut in.
"Just what Kara? Keeping an eye on the Luthor? Making sure she doesn't follow in her family's footsteps? Better keep her close so we can keep a better eye on her" tears stung her eyes as she said the words.
"I thought you were different Kara. I thought you saw ME and not my name. I thought we had something" the last sentence was added in a pained whisper.
Kara took a step forward but flinched back when Lena stepped away from her, her arms curled around herself.
"Lena, this has nothing to do with your last name, I promise you. You know me" Lena's eyes shot up at the remark and said "do I? Do I really know you?"
Kara couldn't keep her eyecontact and looked down, fidgeting with her fingers "what else have you been lying about Kara? Is Alex really your adoptive sister or is she an alien to?"
She knew she was being mean, but she couldn't help it, she had always been honest to her, no matter how painful it was to open up, yet Kara didn't care enough to do the same in the two years they knew each other.
"Is your favorite color really red? Did you lie when you said that the Plumeria's reminded you of your mother!? What's the truth Kara?" Lena swallowed loudly before adding "did you even really love me?"
"Oh Rao Lena, how can you even think that I don't love you? I'm standing here telling you the truth because I do!" Lena scoffed at the pain on Kara's face.
"Well you sure have a lousy way of saying you love me. 'Hey Lena, I just want you to know I lied to you every day for two years right from the start.' Some love you got there Kara"
Kara swallowed a lump in her throat "Ask me anything you want to know, I'll answer truthfully, I swear to Rao. I swear to you! Lena please"
All the hurt and pain was tucked away as Lena put on her mask of CEO and Kara knew right there that she had messed everything up.
"I want to know what you thought my reaction would be. How did you think I was going to respond to knowing that the woman I love clearly doesn't love and trust me enough to be honest"
Kara's mouth moved without sound before she figured out what to say.
"Honestly, this is about what I envisioned, except for more yelling" she nodded her head "telling me to go because I broke your trust" she bit her bottomlip, avoiding Lena's gaze.
Lena stood frozen on the spot, deciding what to do next, her mind was yelling at Kara to leave, pack her crap and go, but her heart was crying for forgiveness.
Her inner turmoil must've been visible to Kara as she softly called out her name "Lena? Talk to me, please"
The moment her mouth opened, its like the words poured out on their own, not being able to put a stop to them even if she wanted to.
"I want you to leave" Kara's mouth opened in shock and her face contorted in pain as her shoulders slumped.
"I want you to go and never come back. I'll have someone bring you your stuff" her voice was firm and emotionless, cold and empty.
"Lena. Please" her voice broke at the plea, knowing it wouldn't reach trough the cold CEO exterior.
"Just so you know, this isn't about you being Supergirl. This is about you lying and deceiving me and misusing my trust. Taking an advantage of how I feel for you"
She paused long enough to let the words sink into Kara's mind as she continued "I love you Kara and I probably always will, but right now I can't even look at you"
A deep, shaky breathe was taken by the younger woman as she continued "I want you out Kara. Out of my apartment. Out of my office and out of my life"
A sob broke free from the blonde Kryptonian "Lena" she cried, this was so much worse than what she anticipated.
"I never meant to hurt you, Lena" the broken blonde whispered as she stood straight, tears streaming down her face as she looked at the woman in front of her, muscles in her face clenching and relaxing.
She knew she was holding back the tears until she had left, she knew she caused this pain to her, she knew that she had to go to let her have time to heal.
She turned to the door, hand on the knob "I'm sorry Lena, I do love you, always have. Right from the start" she admitted defeated and left.
The door closed with a thud, effectively ending their relationship with it and Lena fell to the ground and broke down.
'How could I have been so stupid, how did I not see this? How could I have thought that this life could be for me?' all the questions and selfdoubt raced through her mind as sob after sob wrecked her body.
She was unable to move from the spot on the floor, pain slipping from her heart into every nerve ending in her limb as she cried herself to sleep on the cold floor in the livingroom.
A month had passed and Lena was walking outside, clearing her mind after a short day at the office, she didn't want to go home and see Kara in every corner of her apartment.
That's when her heart was taken out of her body and crushed into tiny pieces as she saw her love walking down the street, Mike's arm around her shoulder.
She stopped dead in her tracks, all air leaving her body untill she felt like she was a body without a soul, standing there, looking at the obviously happy couple.
She felt sick, she felt like her stomach just turned upside down and wanted to empty itself, life stood still and all blood left her face.
Kara didn't see her, she was sure of it, but if she did she would be one hell of an actress, she laughed loudly as she was talking about something with rapid hand movements to her, her boyfriend?
Lena shuddered and walked in the opposite direction, trying to forget that she looked so much happier than the last couple of weeks in their relationship, maybe this is why she came clean about being Supergirl.
She spend a few hours at home before the thoughts of the blonde took over and she stormed out grabbing her coat on the way out, walking straight to the liquor store a few blocks from her house.
It was the only one that sold her favorite brand of scotch, she didn't feel like driving there so she decided to walk, clear her head and stay out of the apartment.
Thats when that feeling of hopelessness washed over her again, feeling all the air in her lungs being punched out of her body.
There was Kara, about to walk into a bar, the manchild next to her, holding the door open for her, making an exaggurated bow, making Kara burst with laughter as she walked in and gave him a small push.
Her back was to Lena the entire time and Mike followed her soon after and she stood there, frozen on the spot once again, her heart broke even more, tears stinging her eyes.
She was surprised how fast Kara was moving on from their relationship, even after her confession of loving her from day one.
A part of her couldn't blame her, she was a Luthor after all, no one would ever truly love her, why would they?
Alex and Maggie exited the bar and looked over to where the CEO was standing, their eyes filled with understanding and hurt for the woman, their movement toward her spurred her into action, faking a smile and walked away.
She already knew she was going to be told that Kara was happier now, that she should leave her alone and she was trying to, she did, but Kara kept popping up everywhere she went.
She got home after the trip to the liquor store and decided to forego the glasses and drink straight from the bottle, wincing as the liquid burned her throat.
She eyed the couch, holding the bottle by the neck, swirling the liquid and decided to sit on the floor in a corner where no outside light hit and she turned the lights off with her phone.
The time went by slowly, losing all sense of time and feeling as the bottle steadily became emptier, her head lulled against the wall as she looked in the dim light at her surroundings.
The couch where she and Kara had made out so many times, seeing the ghost of the memory playing out in front of her, hearing the phantom moans from Kara underneath her.
The door that she opened only to be greeted with a mindblowing kiss after a hard day at Catco, the kitchen where they made spaghetti al forne together and after the dishes made out with Lena sitting on the countertop.
The balcony where she often caught Kara standing on, soaking in the sun as it set or rose from the sky.
She cried silently as she took another sip and cursed when air hit her lips intead of the alcoholic beverage that she so desperately needed and in a fit or rage she threw the bottle away and it smashed against the floor on impact.
There was not a single fiber in her body that could care about cleaning up the mess and she just sat there and looked at the shards.
How could she ever have been foolish enough to think that she deserved Kara Sunny Danvers when there are people who truly deserved her, like Mike, apperantly.
His name entered her mind like a disease that made her want to empty her stomach, jealousy, fear, hatred, anger and sadness all rolled into her brain at the mere thought of his hands on her body.
Maybe she should just try to smile, try to come to terms with the fact that Kara chose someone else over her, that she had come out as Supergirl knowing Lena would tell her to leave.
Knowing that Lena would give her an out, that she would end the relationship for her, so she didn't need to.
Lena felt her consciousness slipping away after the noticeably amount of alcohol that she consumed as one thought entered her mind.
Maybe one day he will break up with her and then Lena could tell Kara how sorry she was about all of this, hoping to get a fresh start, doubtful in her mind, but still better than nothing.
And until that day arrived, she would be waiting right here for her, just in case she ever wanted her back.
Kara knew the moment the door closed that she lost her, her lies had cost her everything and her heart shattered, her back slumped against the door and sunk to the floor, sobs overtaking her.
Thats when she heard the other woman breaking down behind the door and her sobs grew heavier untill her whole body shook heavily.
It was only when she didn't hear the other woman cry anymore that she got up and left, not bothering to straighten her clothes or dry her cheeks, teartracks still very visible.
It took a month to be willing to at least leave the house on a social call instead of leaving just for work and Supergirl duties.
Mon El had convinced her to come to a small diner that had just opened up and she reluctantly agreed to it, her shoulders sagged, head bowed and eyes filled with pain.
He didn't know what to do or say but he knew that somehow he had to try and make her smile, he missed the bubbly persona that she used to be.
He reluctantly accepted the fact that he would never be more than a friend to Kara and he took that role with such fierce responsibility that he took it upon himself to cheer her up.
His arm wrapped around her shoulder and she looked up, a faint spark in her eyes finding its way back as her body relaxed a little under the attention.
"So this diner we're going to. Why is it called a diner? Why not a luncher? Or a breakfaster? I mean you eat all three there, why focus only on dinner?" he asked genuinely and Kara burst out laughing.
It felt good to laugh again even if it was something as silly as that and she continued snickering while she explained what a diner exactly was.
She stopped dead in her tracks, eyes wide, mouth slightly agape as she looked at the retreating body of Lena Luthor, her heartbeat distinct in her ears, tears welling up in her eyes at the sight.
Lena's head was bowed, defeat pouring out of her posture and pain overwhelmed her knowing that she was the cause of the pain and a tear escaped its way as she turned to Mon El who hugged her tightly against his chest.
Kara couldn't even care she was losing her battle with her tears in the middle of the street, fisting the material of his shirt, trying to compose herself.
"She'll come around Kara. I just know it. You just gotta have faith" his voice soothing and she hummed, not trusting her voice to form words.
"Come with us to the bar tonight. Everyone will be there, it might do you some good being out there amongst friends. Get your mind off of everything" and she nodded her head at it.
"Maybe you're right. Maybe we can drink some of that Alderan Rum?" she tried to make it sound like a joke, but they both knew it was everything but a joke, desperately trying to forget about her pain and guilt.
"Only if you promise that you wont fly afterwards, we don't want to see Supergirl crashing trough buildings on the news" and Kara chuckled.
She stepped out of his embrace and composed herself "lets go eat" she said just as her stomach rumbled loudly causing them both to grin.
That night she was hesitating about entering the club, she knew no one would judge her if she bailed, they saw her pain, her grief.
Mon El stood patiently next to her seeing the inner struggle she was having so he opened the door for her and gestured wildly to the entrance while bowing and saying "Mi'lady, thou has arrived"
Kara laughed loudly as she walked past him and shoved him lightly and he exaggurated his stumble making Kara laugh even louder at his silly attempts.
They walked straight up to the table where the others were sitting, a bottle of Alderan Rum already opened and ready to be drunk by the two aliens.
Kara didn't waist any time and took a swig straight out of the bottle earning raised eyebrows from everyone seated and a disgruntled Mon El saying "at least share!" and Kara sat the bottle back down.
Already feeling floaty she smacked her lips a couple of times, revelling in the taste of it, it wasn't sweet or bitter nor sour, it was a strange mix that was unable to be explained.
All that she knew was that she definitely shouldn't have drank it cause not long after the first feelings of the alcohol taking effect, Alex got a call from the DEO.
Right at the same time that Maggie's phone also went off and they excused themselves as they had to leave for work, thankful that they both only had one bottle of beer while waiting for Kara and Mon El to arrive.
Winn filled the glass with rum and handed it to Kara and she took one big gulp of it, downing half of the glass in one go, a impressed eyebrow was raised by the men.
She hoped the alcohol would alleviate the pain of hurting Lena the way she did, but it had the opposite effect, remembering every lie she ever had to tell to keep her identity a secret.
The pain edged on Lena's face reverberating troughout her soul, tears pricking her eyes as she heard the hurt in her voice, saw the defeat seeping from her body when she saw her earlier on the day.
She swirled the glass around, deciding if she should drink the rest in the hope it would numb those memories resurfacing from the alcohol or if it would cause her to break down and finally have the cry she needed so bad.
The rest of the glass was downed quickly and not long after she excused herself and walked outside and she swore she could smell Lena's perfume linger but quickly blamed the alcohol.
James appeared next to her as he informed her that he was taking her home, making sure she wouldn't cause any property damage on the way to her flat and she laughed akwardly, knowing it would happen otherwise.
He was told by Kara to just drop her off at the doorstep, that she could manage walking the rest of the way to the apartment by herself, it took some convincing but eventually he gave in.
The moment the door closed and she knew she was safely tucked in her room she let her eyes wander over every bit of furniture, memories of Lena flooding her mind and she walked numblessly to her bedroom.
She stood in the doorway staring at the bed, remembering the passionate nights spend together, the sounds that Lena made when she hit just the right spot, the way her body would tremble in her hands.
The body that is now, undoubtely, trembling for far different reasons by her hand and she started to sob, softly at first, almost unnoticeable, then louder and louder.
She grabbed a blanket from the closet and laid on the couch, unable to sleep in this state on a object where they spend so much of their time together.
As she curled up on the couch, wrapped in the blanket as a tiny mummy she made a decision that would either fix everything or make everything even worse.
"Tomorrow I'm talking to you, Lena, wether you want to see me or not." she mumbled before she fell asleep, warm on the skin but cold underneath and boy did she hate feeling like this.
Lena was nursing a killer hangover headache 'Damn why did I have to drink a whole bottle of scotch?' she mentally cursed herself as she swallowed two aspirins and drank a glass of water with it.
A thump of boots hitting pavement was heard and Lena spun around, a gasp escaping her lips as she saw Supergirl landing on the balcony, looking just as wrecked as she felt.
"So. Hangovers suck" she tried to make light of the situation but Lena's face was stoic, unable to be read by the Kryptonian so she pursed her lips at the tension.
"Why are you here, Kara?" came the short and cold reply "more lies to admit to?" and Kara visibly winced to the question and shook her head "no, I told you my only secret"
"Really? Was that your only secret?" she spat out in anger, she barely even recognized her own voice "cause you seem to move on pretty damn quick! Or is that an alien thing?" Kara looked utterly confused and she frowned so deeply that her wrinkle appeared in between her eyebrows and Lena read that as a confirmation instead of confusion and she scoffed.
"Yeah I thought so. So tell me, Kara, Supergirl or whatever you want to be called. Did you fuck him before or after we broke up?" she spat out, words intended to hurt and boy did they hit the target.
Kara stumbled over words "f-fuck him? Who? Lena who are you talking about? I've barely been out the door since this happened" she motioned between the two of them.
"I've been so depressed I only got out of bed to get to work, I barely even had energy to do my Supergirl duties" and Lena scoffed again.
"Right, so depressed you couldn't get out of bed. Yet you were walking with his arm around your shoulder" Kara's face contorted in surprise "yeah I saw that. Kara" she said her name in pure disgust.
"You saw me? Why didn't you say anything then?" and Lena just gave an incredulous look that clearly said 'are you kidding me?' and Kara sighed as she started to explain the situation but Lena wouldn't let her continue.
"So what about that bar then, him opening the door for you and oh so galantly bowing to you" and Kara shook her head, looking down "were you following me, Lena?" and Lena laughed humorlessly.
"Why would I want to? Its not like I know who you really are anyway. So what good is it to have you followed. Tell me, Supergirl, tell me how much better it is with him." Kara fought to find the right words but knew it was a lost battle.
She turned around to fly away, but she didn't until she explained what happened.
Taking a deep breathe she let go of the tension in the arms for a split second before they found its way back to her neck, shoulders and arms.
"For the past month I've been stuck at home, all my friends were trying to get me to come out and live a little. The time you saw Mon El's arm around me was when he noticed that I wasn't able to smile.
He convinced me to come out and when he wrapped his arm around me it was to comfort me and me laughing was about his question on why a Diner is called a Diner.
At the bar he sensed my discomfort and tried his best to make me chuckle, to make me feel better, welcomed, unhated" she whispered the last word.
"I thought his name was Mike?" and Kara shook her head slightly "his real name is Mon El, he's from Daxam, a sister planet of Krypton and he's a friend. Nothing more and nothing less"
"So who else in your circle is an alien?" Kara shrugged her shoulders while still standing on the balcony, arms wrapped around herself.
"Surprisingly, not many. There's Mon El, Hanshaw and my cousin Kal El. Those are the only aliens close to me that I know of and are currently still on Earth"
She turned around to look Lena directly in her eyes and Lena saw the pure heartbreak in them and realized that she had stepped too far with her accusations of Kara cheating on her.
If there was anything she was sure of, hidden identity or not, was that Kara was anything but a cheater.
"Look Lena, I get it, you're hurt. I hurt you by not telling you about this" she gestured to the emblem on her chest "but I was scared to tell you and I understand if you never want to see me again. I'll leave"
Lena thought everything over, did she really want to end things like this, end her future with Kara over the fact that she was too scared to be open, to be hurt, to lose everything that she loves?
It's honestly not that different than Lena's fears, except that she never had to lose someone over her being an actual alien even though she often felt like one in her family.
Kara mistook her silence as confirmation that it was over and she bit her lip and hung her head as she turned around and flew away, the action waking Lena up from her thoughts and looked up to see an empty spot on the balcony.
Kara flew around National City, lending a helping hand here and there, trying to clear her mind from everything that was going on, but no such luck.
Her mind kept drifting back to the heartbroken look that Lena had given her and tears welled up in her eyes again, she shot up towards the sky.
Passed the capturing site of camera's, passed the clouds, almost passed Earths atmosphere and she let out a bloodcurling scream, releasing every emotion.
Tears streamed hot and free down her eyes, her heritage had taken everything from her, the need to keep two persona's left her torn apart, feeling like a completely different person.
She let herself fall, letting gravity take her back to earth, right before she impacted the ground she flew back up and straight home.
Tears were still falling free as she flew through her window and wanted to go straight to her bedroom, wanting nothing more but to let unconsciousness swallow her whole and escape this world for a moment.
But a tall, dark haired woman stood in her path to the bedroom, staring at Kara with sad eyes, mouth slightly agape and Kara mimicked the expression.
"Please don't tell me you've come here to break me further. I-I can't deal with that. Please Lena, I know you hate me" her head bowed, a new stream of tears finding their path.
"I don't hate you Kara" she said as she walked the small distance "you've hurt me, yes. But I haven't been fair to you" her voice was small, nothing like the demanding tone it usually has as a CEO.
Kara looked up into emerald green eyes and saw a mixture of emotions, sadness, compassion, love, regret and understanding and Kara crumbled to her knees, heavy, heartbreaking sobs wrecking her body.
Lena took two quick steps towards her and held her tightly as she sunk to her knees with her, cradling her head in between her hands, willing her to look up at her.
"I haven't been fair to you Kara. I let my pride get in the way of understanding you. I'm sorry. You didn't keep this from me because of me, but because of your fears" she talked slow, gauging Kara's reaction.
"You were afraid of being rejected, of being abondoned by someone you love. You didn't hide this to break what we had. And I think I let my cracked pride get in the way of it and then jumped to conclusions.
Kara I am so sorry, I never meant to make you feel like you were anything less than that you are. You are a hero, Kara. With or without that suit. You're a better person than I ever hope to become and I love you"
Kara's eyes were wide, never breaking contact with Lena's who shined so sincere with the words that were spoken and her mind traced back to one part, 'what we had' and her face contorted in a painful frown.
"What we had? So we're-we're really over?" Lena caressed Kara's face with her fingers, gently scratching just past her hairline, her thumbs wiping away the tears.
"We can work together to be even stronger than we were, closer than we were. Now that there are no secrets between us. So what we had is gone, but we can grow from there"
Kara's hands found Lena's face, scared that maybe this was a hallucination that her brain made up to deal with the heartbreaking loss that she felt, maybe it was a new form of the Black Mercy.
"Kara? Would that- would that be okay? Can we try again?" her voice was small, almost too soft to hear, but every word uttered made her heart flutter in love and excitement.
She couldn't hold back, she crashed her lips on Lena's and let her actions take over for the lack of words.
Their lips worked in practiced synchronicity, tongues finding each other with ease, bodies reacting to each other immediately, soft moans filling the livingroom from both women.
Kara pulled back slightly and licked her lips, savoring Lena's taste "I honestly never meant to hurt you the way I did, Lena. I love you so much" she rested her forehead against Lena's.
"I know Kara and I'm sorry to. I overreacted. I knew the moment you flew away this morning that I had to talk to you. You left too quickly" she softly grazed her nose with her own, a chuckle escaping Kara, making Lena grin.
"Kara?" a hum came as an answer "whats your real name?" and Kara smiled widely "Kara Zor El" and Lena matched her smile.
"How do you say 'I love you' in your language?" she moved her head back and looked Lena right in the eyes as she talked in Kryptonian "Khak zao rip" and a half smile appeared on Lena's lips.
"Kara Zor El, khak zao rip" fresh tears rolled over Kara's cheek, happy ones this time, thankful that Lena accepted her heritage and wanted to learn.
"Maybe you can tell me about Krypton? What your house looked like? What your customs were and things like that. Maybe even teach me a little bit of Kryptonian?" she asked hopeful.
A smile that could outshine the sun was her only response as Kara beamed at her and nodded her head vigorously "I would love that" and Lena smiled genuinely at her enthusiasm.
And so they spend the night, laying on bed in each others arms talking about Krypton, about Kara's parents, about the trouble she would get into roaming the house.
Lena had never felt Kara this relaxed before, this genuine, she was completely herself, baring all of her and Lena couldn't help but press her lips against hers just once before letting her continue her story of life on Krypton.
"Hey Lena?" she suddenly broke out of her revery of Krypton and Lena hummed in reply "how did you get in my house by the way? I don't recall giving you a key"
And Lena blushed bright red at the question and stammered "I uh-" she cleared her throat "I went to your sister and got a verbal beat down and asked to borrow her key so I could talk to you"
Kara sat up and looked down on her with nothing but pure love in her eyes and smiled widely as she leaned down and pressed a kiss to her lips, nose, cheeks and back on her lips.
"I love you Lena Luthor. Everything about you" Lena blushed under the intense gaze she got from the blonde alien and she asked "can you tell me more about your planet?"
And Kara laid down, her head resting on Lena's chest, her arm draped loosely over her stomach, drawing random patterns with her fingers as she told her anything that she wanted to know.
They talked the night trough, both thankful it was the weekend and neither had to work for a change, it wasn't until the sun came up that they both fell asleep, peaceful in the others arms