Author's note: This is a crack fic I came up with while listening to "Crazy For You" by Madonna. I wrote two versions of this story, exactly the same but with different endings.

I'm uploading them as chapters, and I've marked the place where they diverge with .*.*.*.

Review to let me know which ending you liked best!

Disclaimer: I do not own Miraculous or any characters therein.

Seven Minutes in Heaven — Sugar Version

It was one of those rare weekends when Chloé wanted to pretend she had actual friends and invited her whole class to a sleepover at her father's hotel. Nobody except Sabrina really wanted to go, but Alya's mom was the chef and the rest of the students weren't about to pass up a free meal cooked by Mrs. Césaire.

Marinette was not going to attend until Alya pointed out that Adrien was going to be there. Then her duffle bag was instantly packed, and the two girls had teleported there a rather embarrassing three hours early.

When the party actually started, most of the class showed up and started on their usual idiotic teenager shenanigans.

Max timed the ketchup-drinking contest that Alix and Kim were having. Rose gave Juleka a makeover while Chloé—being unusually tolerable at the moment—made Sabrina paint her toenails in the general vicinity of the other two girls. Ivan and Nino discussed music. Mylène and Nathaniel stood around awkwardly, doing nothing. Aurore and Mireille stood on opposite sides of the room, silently hating each other. Several other background characters were doing things that nobody cared about. Theo was working as a waiter (his eighth job, in order to support his sculpting and save money on character models). Lila wasn't there because her episode hadn't aired yet and she was a total beeyotch anyways. Adrien was eating all the éclairs he possibly could while Marinette watched him from under a table with a creepy grin on her face. Alya was kicking Marinette to try and get her to come out from under the table.

After a while, everyone started getting bored with their pedestrian teenage activities and decided to take advantage of this being a co-ed slumber party, which meant it was time for some Teenage Rites of Passage™. Adrien's bodyguard and the chaperones were summarily bribed or distracted, and the fun began.

And of course, someone suggested they play Seven Minutes in Heaven.

And of course, Alya and Nino rigged it so that Adrien and Marinette went first.

In the girls' room, Marinette was "randomly selected" to go first. (Chloé's whining turned to delight when she realized the entertainment value of this prospect.) Meanwhile, under Nino's direction, the boys all told Adrien that the guy who'd been to the fewest parties had to go first, handed him a flashlight, and ushered him into a hall closet.

If Marinette was nervous about the game before, she hit critical mass when she heard that it was her prince who awaited her in the closet.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" cackled Alya as she shoved her panicking friend into the closet, locking her inside with teen model Adrien Agreste.

For the first minute or so, they sat there, stunned, wasting the batteries of the flashlight they'd set on the floor.

Adrien broke the silence.

"Uh, I've never done this before."

Marinette looked up at Adrien quickly, then looked down at the floor again.

"Neither me. I neither have. Uh, me neither."

Adrien looked at Marinette. She was petrified. Was she scared of him, or embarrassed at the situation they were in?

"It's okay. We can just talk."

Marinette suddenly lost that capacity and sputtered bunch of nonsense syllables. Aaaand now he was pretty sure she was drooling. Yes. Yes, she was. She might have been trying to nod, but it was hard to tell.

Adrien sighed internally. This wasn't working.

"I'm not that bad, am I?"

Marinette looked at him like she'd seen a ghost made of insecurities, confusion, and teenage hormones.

"Wh-why would you think that?"

"You just seem really scared," said Adrien, pointing out the obvious.

"I'm okay," she lied. She was either elated or terrified. Or both. Terrelated. Elaterrified.

Marinette looked up at him then. Adrien smiled, trying to put the girl at ease. She smiled back, still blushing, her fear replaced with bashfulness.

It was then that Adrien realized: Marinette was adorable. Her pigtails and ribbons, her freckles, her big blue eyes. And she was such a sweet person too. No wonder Nino and Nathaniel had fallen for her.

.*.*.*.

She reminded him a little bit of Ladybug. But there was no way Ladybug was in the same class with him, sitting right behind him every single day. That would be too convenient. He sighed.

The sigh caught Marinette's attention and she looked at him curiously.

"Just thinking about someone," murmured Adrien, looking off into the distance.

"To be in here w-with you?" Marinette's heart nearly stopped. Did she have a rival?

"Not exactly." He chuckled softly, but the laugh was tinged with sadness.

There was no way Ladybug would ever play Seven Minutes in Heaven with him, either as Adrien or Cat Noir. Especially as Cat Noir. Well, it was probably for the best: Cat Noir was entirely too attractive for his own good, and he wasn't strong enough to hold Ladybug off. Even if he wanted to.

Marinette looked pensive, and tried to restrain the unsettlingly violent thoughts racing through her mind at the prospect of a rival for Adrien's affections.

"I think Alya and Nino rigged it so we'd be first," she said, subconsciously wanting to draw attention away from her potential rival.

"Yeah, I'd never heard of the 'whoever's been to the fewest parties has to go first' rule."

She laughed. Definitely a set-up, with her BFF as the mastermind. Alya, you rascal, you!

"W-well, anyways, I'm glad it's you," Marinette said softly.

"I'm glad too."

Then Adrien did that thing where he closed his eyes and smiled so the corners of his eyes crinkled up ever-so-slightly, to remind Marinette that he was Too Good, Too Pure For This World. She felt that smile all the way to her thighs.

There was finally a dialogue happening, and Adrien was determined to keep it going.

"And I'm really glad I didn't get stuck in here with Chloé."

Marinette giggled.

"I mean, I grew up with her, but sometimes she gets to be a bit much." He gestured to go along with the statement, which appeared to amuse Marinette.

She smiled brightly until a noise on the other side of the door snapped them out of the moment.

Dammit, they thought in unison.

"You guys have sixty seconds left, so wrap it up in there," Alya's voice singsonged from the other side.

"Exactly fifty-six seconds. Fifty-five, fifty-four..." came the muffled voice of a nerd.

"Shut up, Max!" a chorus of voices said.

Time slowed down for the teenagers in the closet.

Marinette stared at Adrien blankly. She was confused; she didn't know what she wanted. She had a feeling she couldn't place. Expectation?

Adrien, though usually as perceptive as a cinderblock, noticed her odd expression.

This was Adrien's first real sleepover and his first time playing Seven Minutes in Heaven and he wanted it to be more memorable than just sitting quietly in a closet with his cute, flustered classmate. You only live once, dammit!

"Hey Marinette," he said, leaning closer and beckoning her over like he was going to tell her a secret.

She scooted towards him just in time for him to plant a quick but sound kiss on her cheek.

Mere seconds later, Alya and Nino opened the door to find a flushed but composed Adrien Agreste and a completely red and lightheaded Marinette Dupain-Cheng. Adrien exited the closet calmly as the boys all hooted and congratulated him, but Alya had to carry Marinette out bridal-style.

Chloé couldn't decide if she should be angry with Marinette or mock her mercilessly, so she alternated between the two. Marinette was too out of it to care, but Alya wasn't going to let her friend take the abuse lying down (ha ha ha) and made Chloé back off. Someone had to preserve Marinette's dignity, since she sure as hell wasn't in any condition to do it herself.

Sadly, Adrien's father had heard his son was having Fun, and made up a lame-ass reason for him to go home early.

Marinette stayed for the rest of the night, but was about as much fun as someone in a coma. She awoke the next morning with scandalous images drawn on her face in permanent marker.

Eventually Alya coaxed the truth from her obscenely-decorated friend, and hugged Marinette while silently congratulating herself on being the Perfect Wingwoman™.

Nathalie noticed that Adrien was looking a little too self-satisfied on the car ride home, so she got Mr. Agreste's permission to give him The Talk again. With the book of diagrams. With the Gorilla holding him in place so he had to look.

When the lesson was over and they had gone back to Adrien's room, Plagg—who was hiding in Adrien's shirt during the entire lecture—floated over to his bed in silence, much sadder and wiser and more grossed out than he had been an hour before. He couldn't eat for a good forty-five minutes.

Adrien hid in his room the rest of the day to wallow in shame and embarrassment, only occasionally comforted by the thought of Marinette's adorable panicked face after he kissed her. Then his thoughts strayed to Ladybug until Nino called.

Nino congratulated Adrien on kissing Marinette (even thought it put her into shock) and made sure to say "dude" at least fourteen times during the conversation to portray the depth of his feelings.

And that, my friends, is the story of the best sleepover Max ever attended.